Chapter 5: Changing Emotions in Others
By recognising and comprehending emotions, it is possible to manage people. However, there is a very fine line between persuasion and manipulation, and trying to alter the emotions of another walks that line. The idea of mind control is a novel one. If only we could be so persuasive that people do what we wanted all the time! Sure that sounds great, but this is not ethical. Manipulating people into feeling guilty or sorry for you is not what this chapter intends. Instead, using emotional intelligence to help interact with people can improve the quality of your life and get you ahead professionally.
The fact that you can understand another person’s emotions poises you for a better relationship with that person. Romantic or friendly relationships are a great example. If you can empathise with the wishes of a friend, it can make you a more attentive, meaningful friend in return.
For example, let’s say your spouse has had a terrible day at work. You know this because they called you upset and ready to quit. Your remarkable ability to pick up on this anger (it is pretty obvious in this case) helps you decide how to act. You have one of two choices. You can either empathise with them, change your plans and try to make them feel better, or you could be selfish and go out with your friends, leaving your spouse at home to stew with their work problem alone.
Having a good emotional connection and being on the same plane as someone is the key to happy, healthy relationships. Understanding people on a more personal level builds trust and confidence, which shine through in good times and in bad.
Emotional intelligence can assist you in the climb to the top of the corporate ladder as well. Understanding how another person views things can help you persuade them. This is a valuable tool in just about any aspect of the business. For example, if your boss is due to promote someone in the office and you know what kind of work ethic and skills that he values, you can use this information to play up your strengths. If your boss personally believes that you hold the same values and emotions, a stronger bond can be formed, which could lead to your promotion.
In sales, emotions are constantly worked. Cars and other big-ticket items are no longer sold because they have x, y and z features. Now, commercials and sales pitches are geared toward the feeling a car can evoke. For a minivan, commercials aim to promote safety, security, and reliability, but not by saying the car is safe, secure and reliable, but through some backward subliminal advertising with a perfect, happy family driving the car safely to soccer practice. On the flip side, a convertible is sold with images of the open road, wind in your hair and the essence of freedom. Most businesses have learned to capitalise on the emotional strings of their consumers.
To truly persuade someone by playing on their emotions, you must be fully committed to their well-being. There are plenty of manipulative people out there who just want to sell their product or get something out of people, and that is not what this is about. Instead, we need to look at the ability to form a long-standing, healthy relationship with another person. You must be interested, engaged and willing to put in the work of trying to figure out their emotional cues. This comes with time, and much practice, just like working on your own thoughts.
Make your relationships off auto-pilot. Delve deeper into the shallow relationships that you have. Yes, you may bond over golf with a friend, as that is something that you have in common. While you are out on the course try engaging them in more personal conversation, instead of the usual play banter (just don’t do this in their back swing). A great way to get someone to open up and share some feelings is to go first. Say something about how the trees on the course remind you of the old neighbourhood where you grew up, and how you and your siblings used to play in those trees. The conversation will fail if you try to go too deep, too soon, so just try a little bit at a time. A simple, reminiscent moment like this can lead to questions about where they grew up, what kinds of things they used to do, so on and so on.
This is not rocket science, it is just vigilance. Stop living out your relationships on the outskirts and really get to know somebody. Granted, this person may not be so emotionally intelligent themselves, but everyone has to start somewhere. At any given moment, you should be able to tap into the thoughts and feelings of yourself and another. All it takes is a little break from the rat race to consider feelings and act by good will.