Chapter 4: Understanding Emotions in Others
While it is vital to understand your own emotional status by practising self-awareness, our social and professional lives would be lacking if we did not completely understand the emotions of others. Everything is built around relationships with other people. You cannot carry out a romantic relationship with someone you do not get, or have a successful professional career unless you interact well with others. For many, being social is a regular part of the day. Little thought is required to make conversation or be in tune with the needs of others.
For the majority of us, however, these skills are highly lacking, and it can be a struggle just to have a basic conversation with another, let alone be aware of how they are feeling and reacting to you. We often get so bogged down in our own agenda and thinking of things to say that we are not paying attention to the subtle clues that people give to show how they are feeling.
Our brains are wired to figure these things out through the use of mirrored neurons in the brain. These act to see, hear and sense social cues so that we may better understand our friends and family. Without this, we would all be acting on our impulses, with little regard for the well-being of others. It is with knowing what makes people angry and sad that has driven the societal rules we currently have in place.
Your first clue of how a conversation is going is to monitor what it is your partner is saying, as well as how they are saying it. For example, if you are talking about the weather with a complete stranger in an elevator, you can determine a lot from such a short interaction. Is the person engaged in the conversation, or just responding simply to your remarks? If a person answers your questions with a simple yes or no, they are likely not interested in furthering the conversation. The interpretation of why is a layer deeper, which you may not have the opportunity to explore.
If an interaction with a close friend goes the same way, there is room to figure out how they are feeling. If this really is a good buddy, simply asking what’s up is a great place to start. If they trust you, they might have already plan to tell you what is on their mind. Some friends can be a bit aloof, and a bit of guesswork is necessary.
If your counterpart is unwilling to actually tell you how they are feeling, rely on body language to help you figure it out. You can tell when most people are sad or upset, as they tend to slouch over, avoid eye contact and the like.
You may be thinking that it would just be easier to mind your own business and worry about yourself. While this may keep you out of some unnecessary drama, disconnecting yourself from close loved ones and friends will affect your life. Choosing to ignore emotions and not getting involved in those feelings will isolate you and affect your social life, as well as your work life.
Ironically, a good way to begin changing how you interpret someone else’s emotions is by disconnecting from them a bit. For example, you may interpret a friend blowing you off as personally offensive, just as most people would. Instead of letting your feelings spiral into anger and questions about your self-worth, you need to disconnect and try and find a logical solution to the events that have arisen. Maybe this person is stuck in traffic, and their phone is dead. Maybe they had an emergency and could not contact you to reschedule your rendezvous.
Before you get defensive and leave them a nasty voicemail, consider these things. That message could go from nasty and friendship-ending to a nice one hoping they are okay, and to call back when they can. You never know what another person is going through, so it is best to treat them with kindness and respect until they give you a real reason to end the friendship.
Giving people the benefit of the doubt and assuming that they have the best intentions is good practice. Be positive and always try to consider both sides of a situation before reacting negatively. If someone cuts you off in traffic, think about how he or she might be late for work, and if they are late again, they might be fired. They need that spot in line more than you do. Most importantly, people make mistakes, and sometimes you just need to let it go.
Professionally, the hardest-hit people are those that work by word of mouth, like a doctor, therapist or dietitian. Their job is to talk to people, understand how they are feeling physically and emotionally, and make recommendations based on emotion. Outside of that, their business will be driven by word of mouth and making positive connections in the community. Sure, going to business chamber meetings will get you a few new clients, creating relationships by investing in the emotional well-being of another will drive your business to a level you had never imagined.
The only way to connect with someone on an emotional level is to have empathy for their situation. Examine how you would be feeling in a similar situation. For example, going back to the work situation, imagine if you were asked to work late on a whim, and you were upset about it. Maybe it is not that you are lazy and uncommitted, but that you are exhausted and need a break from the project. Being asked to cast aside other responsibilities to work late is annoying, and you already give enough of your time during the week.
Seeing things from this angle helps you be a better manager. If you can understand where someone is coming from, you can make better decisions, and even if your employees still absolutely need to work late, you can empathise and compensate them for their time and dedication.
Knowing how someone else is feeling is always a complicated matter. In essence, you can never really know how someone feels because his or her emotions are their own. You do not have the same life knowledge that they do. Therefore, your perspective of any given situation will likely not be the same. Instead of insisting that you can see it from their angle, try creating an open dialogue in which they can express those feelings so that you may better comprehend them.
This does not mean having a deep-rooted therapy session every time a conflict arises, but simply asking for a person’s thoughts before drawing your own conclusions is good practice. Start the conversation with verbiage like “How would you feel if…” or “Would it be too bold to ask….” This gives the person the opportunity to speak up for themselves, an opportunity that is simply demanding or stating a fact does not present.