Chapter 3: Manage Your Life with Emotional Intelligence
As we learned in the second chapter, it is vitally important that we take time to pick apart and really comprehend what we are feeling. It is then, and only then, may we react in a way that is true to ourselves. With our example in the first chapter, we find that it is very easy to make quick, rash decisions when our emotions are high. Often, we regret our actions later on, as our minds logically process our thoughts and feelings after the fact.
Emotions can be very effective teaching and guidance tools if we use them properly. You may feel that in the past, your emotions bring you nothing but trouble. In reality, our bodies feel emotions to help lead us in the right direction. We feel fear or anxiety if we are in a situation that is dangerous or at least undesirable. We feel happy and content when we are safe and sound. Physiologically speaking, our emotions can keep us out of trouble by sounding the alarm when things are not quite right. Emotions can indicate when to turn and run from a bad situation, whether that be a relationship or job title. The reality of life requires us to think with our emotions and our minds in tandem to avoid completely derailing ourselves.
As our brains have something logical to say about our emotions, we often stay in bad circumstances or miss out on moments of happiness for the sake of moving along. In the grand scheme of things, it is important to be happy. We should follow the guidance of our inner selves to figure out what we want to do, where we want to be, and who we want to be with.
It is possible to manage what happens in our life by using our emotional intelligence. Let’s say you have a job that you are not very thrilled with. The hours are long, your co-workers do not see eye to eye with you, but the money is good. This compels you to stay, as financial security is what your logical mind thinks. A job opportunity arises with a company that has more flexible hours, but less pay. Intrigued, you take an interview and find that you seem to mesh with the group.
What follows is a struggle between your brain’s logic, and your emotional intelligence, which is only guided by your inner self, and it is the idea of happiness (a novel approach). While the decision may not always be so black and white, it seems obvious to go for a job that will give you more time to do things you love and to work in a more hospitable environment. Yet, what holds you back is the logic of financial unknown. Seeing this scenario from outside of it makes it easy to make a decision, but as you are engrossed in it, you may not have so much clarity. Allow your emotions to play a part in your decisions, but remember to use your logic as well.
We must become more open to our emotions to get what we truly want out of life. In the realm of self-help, the idea of our inner self, or spirit comes up quite a bit. If you subscribe to this theory, the idea is that each of us has an inner spirit that is guided by energy. The physical universe is also made of energy, and at its very core are the positive and negative charges that are responsible for all physical reactions and we are all part of this energy field. That part is pure physics.
With this, we are meant to take the path of least resistance (as physics proves) to interact with energy around us. This is much like lightning striking the tallest tower to reach the ground.
Many self-help gurus have taken this scientific idea and created a metaphor for life. In life, we will constantly be bombarded with decisions. If we make those choices by the guidance of our inner spirit, following emotional cues and gut feelings, our path will be met with less resistance. You have likely seen this before. Think about the ease in which you do something you like and are passionate about, versus doing things you don’t like. The idea that time flies when you are having fun is a perfect example here.
However, our logic often goes against our emotions and pulls us further away. As we stray from the path, our inner selves try to lead us back in the right direction. By throwing negative emotions and obstacles in our way, our inner self, or gut feelings tries to deter us when we are making bad decisions, and lead us back to the path of least resistance.
By considering our logic, we can stay true to our beliefs and morals, something our emotions may easily forget. Think about the job decision again. The universal obstacles in the first job include the long hours, exhaustion, and difficult working conditions. Listening to your gut, and your inner self, you will see that the second, lower-paying job will get you closer to happiness, and had you simply squashed those emotions you would fail to experience how life would be with this job.
It is your choice whether you decide to take an opportunity or squander it. Perhaps you have been drawn to this job because of the convenience it will give you, or something else. Regardless, you can recognise an opportunity when you see one. But maybe you are too nervous about the money to trust your instincts and make a move. Now the moment has passed. You had a chance to become closer to happiness, and you may have made the wrong decision. Not to worry, there is always something to learn from a mistake, and this knowledge can be used to strike at opportunities in the future, that is if you choose to learn from it.
Using these emotional cues and learning from your wins and failures is a smart way to manage your life. The problem with mastering it is that everyone’s emotions and experiences are different. No two people will learn the same way, or have the same opportunities. Our inner selves are all different, striving for different definitions of happiness.
Therefore, it is hard to tell you exactly how to follow your emotions. What can help are a few tangible activities to help you get in better touch with things. Journaling can be a powerful tool in helping you sort through and understand your emotions. Writing down what you are feeling, or even keeping a video or voice journal can help you.
Writing things down or saying them out loud puts a tangibility to your feelings. Rereading the entry after it is written is like reading a textbook guide to your feelings. You may only feel stressed or upset or happy in a fleeting moment, but if you can revisit the recount of the feelings, it can help you better understand. Getting the emotions down on paper can help remove them from you. Once you have some distance between you and a deep emotional response, it is easier to make a rational decision. Being very angry or anxious in a particular moment could lead us to make a rash decision, even if we feel highly compelled and confident in the moment. Again, be careful to distinguish between brain rational and spirit rational, as it is easy to get these confused.
As you recount your journal, you are looking to read between the lines and determine what it is that you are having trouble with. For example, if you were to write about the decision to take a new job, it might look something like this:
I have the opportunity to work for XYZ company, something I have been keeping my eye on. It seems really great to make my own hours, and the people there seem really easy to work with. If I take this job, it would mean I could take time in the morning to exercise and make breakfast for the kids before dropping them off to school. It would also make it a lot easier to cut out early if someone gets sick or there is an event I want to go to.
If I stay with ABC company, I will be able to save enough money to send the kids to college and take a great family vacation. But, I will still be stuck with the same long hours and stress. I dread going to work most days because I can’t seem to fit in with my team.
What is the underlying theme of the entry? If you look closely, this decision really isn’t about the job, as the actual work was not discussed at all. The priority here is family and quality of life. Now read the two paragraphs separately. Reading the first one, there is an air of lightness, hope, and promise. The second seems dark and dingy. How does reading each paragraph make you feel? How does the thought of working for ABC company affect your emotional well-being?
Using emotional intelligence, we can rationally sort through the emotions that underlie certain decisions. Of course, this day and age we need to consider the feelings of our spouses, children and anyone else that could be affected by the decision (see the next chapter), but beyond anything, our happiness should be the first priority. While that sounds a bit selfish, if you are happy, your relationships with others will be better and stronger, and everyone will benefit in the long run. In the next chapter, we will discuss a bit more about how to express these feelings to get others to understand, so they can be on board with your decision making.