10. Remember a time in your childhood when you were afraid, hurt or
angry. In your imagination, embrace that child, saying "It's okay. I'm
here. You didn't do anything wrong. You're a good kid. I love you just
like you are. I'm not going to leave you." Then take the child (your child
self) out of the situation to a safe place where s/he can relax, heal or
even play.
11. Think about your values. What is the most important thing in the
world to you? Who are the most important people in the world to you?
What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want people to
remember you? Decide that you are that person and you are living by
your values, and act as if it were so. This is one of the fastest of the anger
management techniques, and it puts you in touch with your true nature,
the way you were designed to be.
12. Take further action! Make up your mind right now that you're going to
get to the bottom of your anger management problems and master the
art of controlling anger once and for all. You might decide you also want
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to schedule some anger management counseling or an anger
management program today!
What to say to an angry person?
A good thing to say is,
1. "Wow! I can see that you are really angry right now. Your anger
seems really strong to me.
2. I'm sure you have good reasons to be angry.
3. It's okay for you to be angry, I just want to help you deal with it so
nobody gets hurt--including you.
"In these and other words, you're sending the message that, "There's
nothing wrong with feeling anger, the important thing is what you
do with it."
This type of acknowledgment and recognition of the emotion of
anger is absolutely necessary in successful anger management.
Practice reflective listening. - Repeat back what you hear them
saying in a non-judgmental, soothing tone.
Use phrases like:
"So what I hear you saying is..." or "So you're saying..." + then say
exactly what you heard them saying.
Stick with their words and references, using as little interpretation
and as few of your own words as possible.
You must show total respect to the teen for this to work. Sarcasm,
cynicism, judgment or insincerity will completely defeat your
purpose. Use an open, friendly posture so that it is clear that you
really want to understand the other.
This provides a comforting effect, and lets the know they're being
heard.
When you listen, you are sending the powerful nonverbal message
that, "What you think and feel matters to me. I may not agree or like
what you say, but I'm willing to listen and consider your viewpoint."
The bottom line here is that if you listen to them, they will listen to
you!
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Express empathy and understanding.
Imagine yourself in their position, and attempt to see things from
their viewpoint.
Use phrases like:
"When I put myself in your shoes, I can see why you would feel that
way," or "From where you stand, it looks like ..." or "I think I see
what you mean" or "That makes sense to me."
Keep in mind that you do this reflective listening and empathy even
if and especially if you don't agree with or like what they are saying!
Avoid teaching, correcting or instructing while your child is angry.
When you are successful with reflective listening and empathy, the
person with anger management issues will usually start to calm
down. Then, and only then you may want to share some of your own
similar experiences. Pay attention to them, and only speak when you
feel certain they open to what you have to say. Otherwise, you're
wasting your breath and probably widening the gap between you.
Claim your authority. It is important that you let them know that you
are in charge of the situation. Parenting skills without authority will
be virtually useless. Adolescents will often try to claim more power
than is good for them. You're not doing them any favors by giving
them more power than they can handle. Adolescents actually feel
more secure when their parents are in charge than they do when
they're allowed to take over. It's scary for a teenager to be more
powerful than the adults around her/him.
Parent discipline however needs to be kept separate from this kind
of communication, and administered when both you and the
youngster are calm. That way the adolscent gets the clear message
that it is not their emotion that is being disciplined, it is their teen
behavior.
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Here are the thoughts, actions and emotions of
unhealthy anger:
Thoughts
"It's not my fault!"
Unhealthy anger means thinking you're a victim to
all "those other people.
"They are bad/evil."
This may be the worst of unhealthy anger. This is
where you're trying to make the other person
really, really bad, so that you don't have to look at
yourself. We've all done this, but it's not cool. This
kind of thinking will only get you in trouble. With good anger
management skills, you will be a lot smarter than this.
"I'm good because I'm not them."
This is what I call a cheap, second-hand form of self-esteem. It's great to
feel good about yourself, but you don't want to do it by dissing
somebody else. You're good just because of who you are. This is positive
anger management for people who want to be smart, strong and
healthy!
Actions
Aggression, attack, violence.
A lot of people think this is what anger is: violence and aggression. But
you know better. Anger is an emotion, and aggression, attack, violence
are actions. Anger is not the problem--it's what you do with it that
makes it healthy or unhealthy! What you're learning here is anger
management for responsible people that prevent aggression and
violence.
Passive-aggressive behavior.
This is where you've got some anger inside, but you're not admitting
it to anyone, even yourself. It's sometimes called "sideways anger," and
it's just not honest. For example, making a cutting joke at someone else's
expense and saying, "Aw, I was just kidding. Don't take it personally." or,
"You're too sensitive. I didn't mean anything by it." Healthy anger
management means that you're responsible for what you do,
regardless of what you might have intended.
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Depression and illness.
This is what happens if you are really good at stuffing your anger, and
never let it out. Anger is a powerful emotion. When it comes out in
unhealthy ways, it hurts others. When it just stays inside you, it hurts
you.
When it comes out in healthy ways it is good for everybody. When it
is successful, this is the kind of anger management for people who want
to be who they were born to be and live their dreams!
Emotions
Victim feeling.
A lot of people don't get this, but when you're all bent out of shape and
yelling and going off about something, you might seem tough or scary --
but you're secretly feeling like a victim. Why? You're mad at somebody
for what they said, did or who they are, and you're not taking any
responsibility for your own part of the situation. With good anger
management skills, you will never be a victim again! Expressing anger in
healthy ways will make you strong.
Nursing wounds.
This is a kind of self-pity. If you're real angry (in
an unhealthy way), then you're busy pointing to
your wounds: how you were done wrong by the
person you're mad at. This actually can keep
you from healing! If you need your pain and
suffering to show how bad the other person is,
you can't let your own wounds heal. This can
lead to violence scenarios. Violent people are
frequently feeling like victims, nursing their
wounds and blaming others for them. Healthy
anger management means everybody heals.
Helplessness/powerlessness.
Here's the big secret. Extreme unhealthy anger --especially when it
means hurting others on purpose-- comes from a feeling of helplessness
and powerlessness. Unhealthy anger might seem strong, but it's
totally a sign of weakness.
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Here are the thoughts, actions and emotions of healthy
anger:
Thoughts
"They are responsible for their actions." That's right. If someone did
something that triggered your anger, they are totally responsible for what
they did. But they are not responsible for how you felt about what they did!
That's your deal. This is positive, smart, healthy anger management for
teens.
"I'm responsible for my reactions." No matter what somebody does,
they don't "make you mad." You either get angry or you don't, and that is
your responsibility completely. What's cool about this is that responsibility
gives you freedom! If you think somebody "made you mad," then you're
saying they made your heart race and set your blood boiling and made you
think all those thoughts racing through your head. Nope, that's you doing
that. Other people might push your buttons, but you're in charge of the
wiring behind those buttons! This is the kind of anger management for
people who want to be the boss of their own emotions.
"How can I get stronger, smarter and safer from this?" Here's the
freedom that comes with taking responsibility! You take a look at the
situation, and say to yourself, "How can I make this work for me?" Then
you look for ways to make that happen.
Actions
Find healthy emotional release. This is sooo
important! When you're feeling angry, you don't
want to just hold that inside--it becomes toxic and
it'll make you sick or crazy! Getting outside, working
out, talking to a friend or writing in a journal will
help. You want to get that anger out into some
fresh air, and get some fresh perspective on it, so it
doesn't
go
sour
and
make
you
bitter!
Use a spiritual practice for focus and healing.
If it works for you and your beliefs, prayer can really
help for getting clear and chilling when you're angry. If you're a member of a
church, it might give you some comfort and release to just go and hang out
there or talk to one of your church leaders. You're the one who knows if
this will work for you as part of your anger management skills.
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Taking powerful effective action to make things better. This is the
best choice of all. Brainstorm with a smart friend, parent or coach about
some healthy action you can take to improve the situation that triggered
your anger. You may even find that you want to become a teacher of anger
management for teens!
Emotions
Power/strength This is what is so amazing about healthy anger
management for teens. It actually feels good! When you know you're not
going to do anything destructive, it helps you focus your emotional
energy toward what you want to accomplish and it can bring on feelings of
enthusiasm and even excitement! Think of the physical strength and energy
of anger, and imagine having tons of that to channel in positive,
constructive ways!
Release/relief Ahhhh.....It feels so good to
release anger in healthy ways! Nobody gets
hurt, and you feel powerful, strong and
relaxed. Remember, anger is a healthy
emotion--you just need to direct it toward
positive, constructive or at least non-
destructive action for successful teenage anger
management. When you're getting your anger out in healthy ways, you can
really let go, which is what gives you the sense of release and relief. If
you're taking your anger out on yourself or another person, you have to hold
back to keep from hurting them too bad, so you don't get the release and
relief you want.
Forgiveness/acceptance This is the final stage of the teenage anger
management process--don't try to rush it! Forgiveness is something that
comes from your body, not your mind, when you learn to love yourself. You
can decide you want to forgive, but your heart and gut may not be ready.
Your body never lies, and it is your body--that is, your heart and gut--that
really do the forgiving.
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Anger Management Assessment
Please answer the following 15 questions to the best of your ability. Your
answers will be used to identify your strengths and weaknesses as it
relates to how well you manage your anger. This FREE assessment is for
educational purposes only.
Please answer each question with a single answer. After you have
completed the assessment, press the Submit Answers button and we will
instantly show you your assessment results.
1. During the past week, I have felt irritable and frustrated with others.
Almost
Almost
Rarely
Sometimes
Frequently
Never
Always
2. When I get angry I often regret my actions and behaviors
Almost
Almost
Rarely
Sometimes
Frequently
Never
Always
3. I have broken or destroyed objects in anger and rage on more than one occasion
Almost
Almost
Rarely
Sometimes
Frequently
Never
Always
4. I get irritated with people that don’t agree with my views or opinions
Almost
Almost
Rarely
Sometimes
Frequently
Never
Always
5. When I get angry it is often intense and lasts longer than I would like
Almost
Almost
Rarely
Sometimes
Frequently
Never
Always
6. I have done very little to improve my temper. I just keep hoping it will improve with age.
Almost
Almost
Rarely
Sometimes
Frequently
Never
Always
7. I often have a hard time knowing or understanding how others feel or how my behavior
might be affecting them
Almost
Almost
Rarely
Sometimes
Frequently
Never
Always
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