caused our loss, for taking advantage of us unfairly. The blame often
only resides in our heads and is a product of our imagination. We fail
to see things from other people’s perspectives. We become deeply
selfish.
Pain - We experience pain, mental distress, and anxiety. The pain
causes physical responses in our body, which disturbs our natural
energy flow and state of wellbeing.
Focus - We focus on the thing we don’t want, and energize it by
complaining about it passionately, and repeating it to as many
people who will listen. This creates a downward spiral of anger.
“What we focus on expands”, this is true regardless of the emotion.
The interesting thing is that if there are two angry people unhappy with
each other, both people feel a sense of loss, unfairness, pain and the
need to blame the other person. Who is right? The answer is: both are
right and both are wrong.
Why Should We Bother with Overcoming Anger?
Negative emotions like anger kick us into survival mode, as if saying to
our body, “we are in danger”. There is a physiological change that takes
place in our body to prepare us for fight or flight. These physical
responses disrupt the natural flow of energy in our body – affecting our
heart, immune system, digestion and hormone production. A negative
emotion is therefore toxic to the body and interferes with its
harmonious functioning and balance.
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Photo: Gabrielle Hennessey
Prolonged anger, stress and holding grudges will hurt our adrenal gland
and immune system. For women, stress on the adrenal gland can affect
the reproductive organs (uterus, ovaries) causing them to exhibit
abnormal behaviors, potentially resulting in sterility.
Aren’t your physical and mental health worth more than the mental
pressure you are voluntarily piling onto yourself? Is it worth it to react
out of spiteful emotions and hurt feelings, so that we might temporarily
satisfy our pride?
Anger also clouds our judgment and we become consumed with
problems and pain. Instead of cutting ourselves loose, free from the self-
inflicted pain; we make irrational, unreasonable, regretful and hurtful
decisions. In the case of divorces, the legal fees alone can drain one’s
savings, unnecessarily leaving both parties unhappy and poor. Nobody
wins!
The Fundamentals of Change
Notice how quickly we can fall into a negative state of being? A split
second, maybe. By the same reasoning it should take us the same
amount of time to shift into a resourceful state of being. The challenge
here is that we have been conditioned from a very young age to remain
in an un-resourceful state. Nobody gave us the tools to shift our state
into a positive one. Often, our parents didn’t know how, and still do not
know how.
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When negative feelings arise, we have two choices,
1. To follow the habitual pattern we’ve learned since we were young,
to react and allow the negativity to consume us.
2. Or, to interrupt the pattern we have been conditioned to follow, and
in doing so build new neural pathways that allows for alternative
possibilities.
There are essentially three ways to interrupt a behavioral pattern:
Visual - Change your thoughts.
Verbal – Change your language.
Kinesthetic – Change your physical position.
15 Ways to Overcome Anger
Some of these tools might be more effective for some of us than others.
For me, “Look Up!!” has been the most effective (thus, I’m listing it first).
I’ve also seen good results where several of these are used in
combination.
Photo: Simón Pais-Thomas
1. Look Up!!!
The fastest way to change negative feelings is by changing our physical
position right away. The easiest way to physically change is by moving
our eye position. When we are in a negative state, we are likely looking
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down. Suddenly looking up (into our visual plane) will interrupt the
negative patterns of sinking into the quick sand of bad feelings.
Any sudden physical change will do the trick:
Stand up and stretch while letting out an audible sigh.
Exaggerate and change your facial expressions.
Walk over to a window where there is sunlight.
Do 10 jumping jacks.
Do a ridiculous dance that pokes fun at you.
Massage the back of your neck with one hand while singing happy
birthday.
Try this next time you feel a negative or unpleasant thought come up.
2. “What Do You Want?”
Sit down and write down exactly what it is that you want out of the
current situation. Your job is to describe the end result you would like
to see. Be clear, realistic and fair. Be specific with your description.
Including dates of when you would like to see the results.
Once you have this clearly mapped out, and when you find yourself
drifting into negative thoughts of what you don’t want, you can shift
your focus on this list instead.
Also, when we do this exercise consciously, we’ll come to find that the
arbitrary and materialistic things that we thought we wanted, aren’t
want we want, after all. Clarity is a beautiful thing.
3. Eliminate: Don’t, Not, No
Words such as Don’t, Not, No, Can’t gets us focused on the things that
we don’t want. Language is a powerful thing and can influence our
subconscious mind, and ultimately our feelings. When you catch
yourself using a negated word, see if you can replace it with another
word of opposing meaning. Example: instead of saying “I don’t want
war”, say “I want peace”.
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4. Finding the Light
Darkness can only be eliminated when there is light (like a lamp, or
sunlight). In the same way, negative things can only be replaced by
positive things. Remember that regardless of what is happening to us
externally, or how bad things appear in our mind, we always have the
choice to speak and see things positively.
I know this is harder to do when you’re in midst of heated emotions, but
I’m a big believer that there is something to be learned from every
situation we encounter. Look for the lesson. Find something about the
situation that you’ve gained, whether it’s a material possession or an
understanding or a personal growth. Find the light so you can uncover
the darkness of your mind.
5. Surrender
Surrender to our ego’s need to be right, to blame, to be spiteful, and to
be revengeful. Surrender to the moment. Surrender to the pull to
become worked-up by the situation.
Become mindful. Watch your thoughts and learn to separate your
thoughts from your own identity. Your thoughts are not you.
Things will play out regardless of whether we become emotional or not.
Trust that the universe will work its course and do its job. By not
surrendering, we get worked up for nothing, and our body will suffer as
a result of it.
6. Circle of Influence
When we are feeling down, it’s easy to be sucked into the downward
spiral of bad feelings. It really doesn’t help to be around others
complaining about the same issues. It’s counter-productive to getting
well.
Instead, find a group of people with a positive outlook. When we are
around such a group of people, they will remind us of things we already
know deep within us, we can start to recognize the good, and the
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positives. When we are down, we can draw energy from them in order
to rise above the problem and negative state.
In the same way that being around negative people can affect you in a
negative way, being around happy and optimistic people can raise our
awareness, and help us move out of the un-resourceful state.
7. Gratitude Exercise
Find an uninterrupted space, and bring a notepad and pen with you. List
out (in as much detail) everything you are grateful for in your life, either
in the past, or present; either experiences, relationships, friendships,
opportunities or material possessions. Fill up the page, and use as many
pages as you have things to be thankful for. Be sure to thank your heart
and your body.
This is a simple, yet underestimated tool to help us focus our attention
on what matters. This exercise can also shift our state of mind from one
of a lower frequency to that of a higher frequency. It also helps us to
gain clarity and to remind ourselves that we have much to be thankful
for.
No matter how bad things get, we always, always have things to be
grateful for. If anything, we have the opportunity of life, in which we
have the freedom to grow, to learn, to help others, to create, to
experience, to love.
I’ve also found it particularly effective to add silent meditation for 5-10
minutes prior, and visualizing everything on your gratitude list after the
gratitude exercise. Try it for yourself!
8. Meditation
Meditation is training for the mind; to calm the noise in our mental
space, to lower our thought count, to draw out inner wisdom, and
mostly it helps us to recognize and remain anchored in our divine state.
Regardless of what is happening external to us, we have the capacity to
remain centered, in a state of acceptance, of flow, of peace, and of love.
When we are in this state, we are rational and have the clarity we need
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to handle any situation with grace, and with minimal stress on our body.
9. Breathing Relaxation Techniques
Most of us are shallow breathers, and air only stays in the top of our
lungs. Deep breathing exercises will get more oxygen into our brains,
and into the rest of our body. Try this:
Sit up straight in your chair, or stand up.
Loosen up clothing, especially if your stomach feels tight.
Inhale through your nose. Exhale through your mouth.
Put one hand on your abdominal area (over your belly).
When you inhale, feel your hand expanding as air is filled up in your
diaphragm.
When you exhale, feel your hand retracting to the initial placement.
Count in your mind the number of inhales and exhales, and
gradually level them off such that both take equal counts.
Slowly, add a count to your exhale.
Keep adding a count to your exhale until the count for exhales
doubles that of the count for inhales.
Repeat this breathing rhythm for 5 to 10 times.
Keep your eyes closed in silence for a few minutes afterwards.
10. Laughter!
We cannot laugh and be upset at the same time. When we make the
physical movement required to laugh or smile, we instantly feel light-
hearted and joyful.
Try it now: give me that beautiful smile of yours. I want a genuine and
large smile now! J How do you feel? Do you feel an instant jolt of joy?
Did you temporarily forget about your problems?
List out a series of movies that make you laugh and stock them up at
home. Or meet up with a humorous friend who can really get you
laughing. For my friend going through the divorce, I prescribed Episode
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10 of “Survivor Gabon”, he laughed until his stomach hurt and told me
the next day that he slept very well, without once thinking about the
negativity that would otherwise trigger anger.
11. Forgiveness
Photo: Cindy Loughridge
For my little vindictive rascals out there, I know the idea to forgive your
‘enemy’ sounds counter-intuitive. The longer you hold on to the grudge,
the more painful emotions you will experience, the more turbulence you
are putting on your body, the more damage you are inflicting on your
long-term health and wellness.
Unable to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting the
other person to die. And there’s no way around it.
12. Snap a Rubber Band
Wear an elastic/rubber band around your wrist, at all times. Every time
you find yourself having a thought that would lead to a downward
negative cycle, snap the rubber band. It might sting a little. But this
actually trains our mind to avoid triggering those thoughts. Pain is an
amazing motivator.
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13. Identify and Eliminate Your Triggers
Sit down and brainstorm a list of reminders and activities that will
trigger this negative emotion in us. It might be hearing the word
‘divorce’, or someone’s name, or going to a particular restaurant.
Commit to yourself to eliminate the mentioning of these triggers from
your life. If we know something will upset us, why would we bother
triggering it?
14. Identify What Anger Brings
List all the things that you’ve gained as a result of being angry. When
you’re done, go down this list and count the number of positive things
that are actually conducive to your wellbeing. By the way, “making the
other person suffer and feel pain” does not count as “conducive to your
wellbeing”.
This exercise helps us bring more awareness, rationality and clarity into
the situation.
15. Seek Closure. Solve the Problem
To the best of your ability, do not drag anything on for the sake of
“winning” or “being right”; it’s not healthy for anyone involved.
Just because we surrender to the external events and choose not to give
them any more attention, does not mean that we sit back passively to let
others step all over us.
Take action that will help you move onto the next step, and closer to
resolution. Be proactive and thoughtful. The faster you can get the
problem resolved, the quicker you can set yourself free, mentally.
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4.39 LEADERSHIP STYLES
There are a number of different approaches, or 'styles' to leadership
and management that are based on different assumptions and theories.
The style that individuals use will be based on a combination of their
beliefs, values and preferences, as well as the organizational culture and
norms which will encourage some styles and discourage others.
Charismatic Leadership
Participative Leadership
Situational Leadership
Transactional Leadership
Transformational Leadership
The Quiet Leader
Servant Leadership
Additional research
The Managerial Grid: Blake and Mouton's people-task balance.
Lewin's leadership styles: Three original styles.
Likert's leadership styles: from autocratic to participative.
Six Emotional Leadership Styles: from 'Mr. Emotional Intelligence',
Daniel Goleman and friends.
Negative styles
There are some relatively common styles of management that are
anything but models of good leadership.
Post-hoc Management: A poor, but common style.
Micromanagement: Controls every detail.
Seagull Management: Flying in, pooping on you and flying off again.
Mushroom Management: Drop them in the poo and keep them in the
dark.
Kipper management: Two-faced approach.
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Charismatic Leadership
Assumptions
Charm and grace are all that is needed to create followers.
Self-belief is a fundamental need of leaders.
People follow others that they personally admire.
Style
The Charismatic Leader gathers followers through dint of personality
and charm, rather than any form of external power or authority.
The searchlight of attention
It is interesting to watch a Charismatic Leader 'working the room' as
they move from person to person. They pay much attention to the
person they are talking to at any one moment, making that person feel
like they are, for that time, the most important person in the world.
Charismatic Leaders pay a great deal of attention in scanning and
reading their environment, and are good at picking up the moods and
concerns of both individuals and larger audiences. They then will hone
their actions and words to suit the situation.
Pulling all of the strings
Charismatic Leaders use a wide range of methods to manage their
image and, if they are not naturally charismatic, may practice
assiduously at developing their skills. They may engender trust through
visible self-sacrifice and taking personal risks in the name of their
beliefs. They will show great confidence in their followers. They are
very persuasive and make very effective use of body language as well as
verbal language.
Deliberate charisma is played out in a theatrical sense, where the leader
is 'playing to the house' to create a desired effect. They also make
effective use of storytelling, including the use of symbolism and
metaphor.
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Many politicians use a charismatic style, as they need to gather a large
number of followers. If you want to increase your charisma, studying
videos of their speeches and the way they interact with others is a great
source of learning. Religious leaders, too, may well use charisma, as do
cult leaders.
Leading the team
Charismatic Leaders who are building a group, whether it is a political
party, a cult or a business team, will often focus strongly on making the
group very clear and distinct, separating it from other groups. They will
then build the image of the group, in particular in the minds of their
followers, as being far superior to all others.
The Charismatic Leader will typically attach themselves firmly to the
identify of the group, such that to join the group is to become one with
the leader. In doing so, they create an unchallengeable position for
themselves.
Alternative views
The description above is purely based on charisma and takes into
account varying moral positions. Other descriptions tend to assume a
more benevolent approach.
Conger & Kanungo (1998) describe five behavioral attributes of
Charismatic Leaders that indicate a more transformational viewpoint:
Vision and articulation;
Sensitivity to the environment;
Sensitivity to member needs;
Personal risk taking;
Performing unconventional behaviour.
Musser (1987) notes that charismatic leaders seek to instil both
commitment to ideological goals and also devotion to themselves. The
extent to which either of these two goals is dominant depends on the
underlying motivations and needs of the leader.
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Discussion
The Charismatic Leader and the Transformational Leader can have
many similarities, in that the Transformational Leader may well be
charismatic. Their main difference is in their basic focus. Whereas the
Transformational Leader has a basic focus of transforming the
organization and, quite possibly, their followers, the Charismatic Leader
may not want to change anything.
Despite their charm and apparent concern, the Charismatic Leader may
well be somewhat more concerned with themselves than anyone else. A
typical experience with them is that whilst you are talking with them, it
is like being bathed in a warm and pleasant glow, in which they are very
convincing. Yet afterwards, ask the sunbeam of their attention is moved
elsewhere, you may begin to question what they said (or even whether
they said anything of significance at all).
The values of the Charismatic Leader are highly significant. If they are
well-intentioned towards others, they can elevate and transform an
entire company. If they are selfish and Machiavellian, they can create
cults and effectively rape the minds (and potentially the bodies) of the
followers.
Their self-belief is so high, they can easily believe that they are infallible,
and hence lead their followers into an abyss, even when they have
received adequate warning from others. The self-belief can also lead
them into psychotic narcissism, where their self-absorption or need for
admiration and worship can lead to their followers questioning their
leadership.
They may also be intolerant of challengers and their irreplaceability
(intentional or otherwise) can mean that there are no successors when
they leave.
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Participative Leadership
Assumptions
Involvement in decision-making improves the understanding of the
issues involved by those who must carry out the decisions.
People are more committed to actions where they have involved in
the relevant decision-making.
People are less competitive and more collaborative when they are
working on joint goals.
When people make decisions together, the social commitment to one
another is greater and thus increases their commitment to the
decision.
Several people deciding together make better decisions than one
person alone.
Style
A Participative Leader, rather than taking autocratic decisions, seeks to
involve other people in the process, possibly including subordinates,
peers, superiors and other stakeholders. Often, however, as it is within
the managers' whim to give or deny control to his or her subordinates,
most participative activity is within the immediate team. The question
of how much influence others are given thus may vary on the manager's
preferences and beliefs, and a whole spectrum of participation is
possible, as in the table below.
< Not participative
Highly participative >
Leader
proposes
Team proposes
Autocratic
Joint decision Full delegation
decision,