SESSION 5 CONSCIOUS TRANSIT AT DEATH - BECOMING COMFORTABLE WITH DEATH.
THE MUSTARD SEED MEDICINE
A BUDDHIST PARABLE
Long long ago, a young woman from a wealthy family was happily married to an important man. When her only son was one-year-old, he fell ill and died suddenly. She was struck with grief; she could not bear the death of her only child. Weeping and groaning, she took her son's dead body in her arms and went from house to house begging all the people in the town for news of a way to bring her son back to life. She wanted MEDICINE.
Of course, nobody could help her, but this young woman would not give up. Finally she came across a Buddhist who advised her to go and see the Buddha himself. When she carried the dead child to the Buddha and told Him her sad story, He listened with patience and compassion, and then said to her, "There is only one way to solve your problem. Go and find me four or five mustard seeds from any family in which there has never been a death."
The woman was filled with hope, and set off straight away to find such a household. But very soon she discovered that every family she visited had experienced the death. Once she accepted the fact that death is inevitable, she buried her child and could stop her grieving. She realized that she was not unique-that she had not been singled out by God. She understood that surely as life comes to all of us, so Death comes to us all.
Imagine someone knocking at your door, asking for a mustard-seed. But “You cannot give her one because your house has known death.”
Think of some of the deaths you have encountered already in your life.
Think of some of the physical deaths of loved ones, but also think of some of the “little deaths” that have changed your life.”
Invite participants to share a few names on their list.
In dealing with the feelings surrounding death, what is your preferred “medicine,” that is,
What have you done earlier if your life to ease the pain of a death?
Who has helped in your healing?
Who has exposed their pain to you and asked you for help?
As a Wisdomkeeper
Where are your energies directed?
As a grand/mother or grand/father what do you demand for our children? For Mother Earth?
How are you building your spiritual foundation?
This session we will talk about conscious dying and the crucial rites of passage of old age: entry into elderhood and death.
“When we courageously talk about death and the reality of our finitude, we can convert the energy spent on repressing death to an increased appreciation for the richness of our lives.”
Thik of a word or phrase, thoughts or feeling that you associate with death.
What is a phrase, thought or feelings that you associate with death? Write it out, or tell it to someone close to you.
Two insights from Zalman Schachter-Shalomi:
One definition of death is as a transcendental birthing process, the culminating moment of a lifetime that serves as a transition to other states of consciousness.
All spiritual traditions have handed down a vision of some sort of life to come, which infuses this life that we are leading now with sacred meaning.
Not everyone shares this vision. Even among those, some people talk about some higher order like “the universe.” Even those who believe none of this know that continuing growth is important in this life. To grow, you need to open up to the experience. So one focus of this course is Conscious Death.
Basically, conscious dying is the process of utilizing the dying process as an opportunity to become more present and loving, an opportunity for profound healing, and an opportunity for spiritual awakening. Eastern traditions such as Hinduism and particularly Buddhism, as well as shamanic traditions, have explicit teachings that guide the dying to a conscious and graceful death.
When the physical and psychological needs of the dying patient are met to the extent that they are no longer overwhelming, dying becomes a great spiritual opportunity.
Conscious death starts with the decision to choose healing rather than denial and avoidance.
Different cultures and religions have a wide variety of ideas about death. Here are a few:
1. Hindus regard a dying person’s state of mind as the principal guarantor of that person’s destiny. Gandhi’s inner work and dying words were, “Ram” (a Hindu name of God). He wanted to merge with Ram at his death.
2. Rabbi Israel ben Eliezer (Baal Shem Tov) who founded the Hasidic movement taught his disciples that on the verge of death the physical body recedes as the soul prepares to return to its supernal home.
3. Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross in her book on death and dying outlined five stages experienced by the dying:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
4. Modern ideas – emotional stages of dying
What do you think?
What do you think of the idea of conscious dying?
1. Living Will is a testament of your wishes as to how to care for your body, if you are unable to communicate with family and medical care providers. It defines your decisions about recovery measures, resources, medications, etc. that morally binds family members and health care providers to follow your mandates.
Prearrange for cremation in Chapala. If you have property, get a Mexican will.
2. Hospice work and Anya Foos-Graber’s process of conscious dying (deathing) recommends that the dying person, the “coach,” and support staff practice the process in preparation for the final leave taking.
Who is your coach? Have you started thinking and talking with your friends about this?
3. Talk about and ask: How would you talk to your children about your aging and coming death?
REFLECT ON THIS, MAYBE IN YOUR JOURNAL
What are your experiences with death awareness and death preparation?
Close your Eyes. Start breathing deeply. Feel your breath moving through your body, feel your heart beating.
Now imagine you have only 12 more hours to live.
What would you do in these last 12 hours of your life? Get into the feeling that these are your last hours on earth. How will you spend them? How does this make you feel? See all your dreams and aspirations fade away because there is no time for them anymore. Take deep breaths, feel death coming closer.
Now reflect on these questions:
Feel the death of your hopes and dreams. Everything you wanted to do, tried to achieve. Feel this loss. What do you regret.
What are your unfinished conversations? What did you want to say to your loved ones or someone you have been fighting with. What do you need to say before you die to whom? What do you need to say?
Stay connected to the feeling of death coming closer, feel these last 12 hours. Become clean, what are you still withholding? What are you not expressing clearly about yourself? What’s holding you back?
Feel the numbness and cold of death, the dying of hopes. The running of your last hours. Get deep into the feeling. Ask yourself, what are you still imprisoned by? Savor your last breaths, your precious body’s life.
Check in with yourself, what have you been lying about to yourself? How have you sabotaged yourself, your success? What lies have you told yourself?
Now is all you have to be honest to yourself, can you see in your life, what should have died long ago? What kept you stuck from living your potential? See what you need to let go, like dead leaves falling off a tree. If a leaf needs to go and it doesn’t fall by itself, tear it off the tree. What needs to die in your life in order for you to live freely? What habit, which bad relationship, which illness, which food, which pain? What needs to die?
Take another breath, feel the cold death creeping up your body towards your lungs. Your breathing becomes heavy, slowing your blood and heart?. What are the final words to your loved ones?
Do you see now what is important to you in your life? Who and what matters most?
Now feel death coming over your heart. Your heart stops.Your breath stops. At this moment, make a choice. Make a warriors choice to choose the life path you deeply desire. Use deaths power to strip away everything that doesn’t matter anymore, that doesn’t serve you, that needs to die in order for you to evolve into a new life. Let death take away what you need to be free of.
Now take a deep fresh breath after return from death. Feel your body and blood sparkle. Fill all the empty spaces with new fresh air and feel new energy arise in your body. Breathe in the new life force! Breathe life back into your heart. What are the dreams you are willing to invest now? Feel the new power in your life. Feel free!
Take another deep breath. Now you know what matters to you truly and deeply. Can you live it?
REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS AND DIALOGUE: IMAGINING YOUR FINAL MOMENTS
Can you find a spiritual partner, and to begin to talk about this? Or write in your journal about it. Imagine your final moments on Earth in a most ideal setting.
What are your beliefs and views of the afterlife.
POEM _ THE GIFT BY MARY OLIVER
Be still, my soul, and steadfast.
Earth and heaven both are still watching
though time is draining from the clock
and your walk, that was confident and quick,
has become slow.
So, be slow if you must, but let
the heart still play its true part.
Love still as once you loved, deeply
and without patience. Let God and the world
know you are grateful. That the gift has been given
As we imagine and talk about our final moments, we reduce the anxiety and fear often associated with death and we enhance the capacity to experience vitality and joy in our final years.
AFTER THE SESSION:
READING
From Age-ing to Sage-ing – Chapter 7, pp 159 - 184
Buddha’s Brain – Chapter 8, 9, 10, pp 121 - 176
JOURNAL EXERCISES:
Scripting your last day
Write your own obituary
MEDITATION: GRATITUDE
PHYSICAL CHANGES: WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOUR LOVED ONE IS DYING
EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL END-OF-LIFE SIGNS
JOURNAL WRITING EXERCISES SESSION 5
SCRIPTING YOUR FINAL MOMENTS
Imagine your final moments on Earth in the most ideal setting possible. Fully experience these moments and record them in your journal. Some guiding questions follow:
What kind of physical surroundings would you like?
What music, poems, or prayers would you like to hear as you are dying?
What would you like to taste? What objects would you like near to touch and appreciate? What scents would you like to smell? Would you like music? What music?
Who would you like present? What would you like for them to say to you? What do you want to say to them?
How do you imagine the moment of your actual death?
What would you like to have done with your body? Who would you like to care for your body?
JOURNAL EXERCISE: WRITE YOUR OWN EPITAPH OR OBITUARY
MEDITATION FOR THE WEEK: GRATITUDE MEDITATION
This is a great meditation to do at the beginning of the day, or very end.
Turn off your phone and free yourself of interruptions.
Either sit or lie down, whatever is most comfortable.
Now close your eyes.
Take a long slow, deep breath in and slowly exhale.
Feel any tension melting away as you gradually relax deeper with each breath.
Take another long slow, deep breath in and exhale.
Feel yourself drifting into a state of deep relaxation.
Continue to breathe slowly and gently as you bring your awareness to the top of your head.
Picture a warm, loving golden light spreading from the top of your head down to your toes.
Feel your muscles relax as the light washes over you, surrounding and protecting you.
Take a few more deep breaths and relax deeply.
In this safe, relaxed state reflect on all the things you’re grateful for: loved ones, breath in your lungs, sunshine, fresh air, the tasty dinner you had that evening, a nice compliment from a friend - whatever comes to mind.
As each gratitude appears, visualize yourself saying the words thank you to each.
Picture the person you’re grateful for standing in front of you tell them how grateful you are for them and why.
Try to make the image and feeling as real as you can.
Taste the delicious food you ate for lunch and say thank you to it.
If you’re having a difficult time coming up with gratitudes, ask God, a higher power, or the highest part of yourself to reveal them to you.
Now, allow the feeling of deep gratitude to come into your body.
Notice where in your body the feeling is.
Take a few deep breaths and allow this feeling to expand.
Enjoy the pleasant feeling gratitude gives you, and feel it washing away your tension and negativity.
You can remain in this relaxed state as long as you like.
When you’re ready, end your gratitude meditation with the following affirmation:
Thank you for the many blessings I have been bestowed with. May these blessings multiply as I continue to notice and give thanks for them. Thank you universe.
Now, wiggle your toes and fingers, open your eyes and give yourself a few moments to adjust.
Bring that feeling of gratitude with you as you go through your day, or drift off to sleep.
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOUR LOVED ONE IS DYING
Each person's journey to death is unique. Some people have a very gradual decline; others will fade quickly. As death approaches, your role is to be present, provide comfort, and reassure your loved one with soothing words and actions that help maintain their comfort and dignity.
SIGNS THAT DEATH IS NEAR
There are changes you can expect to see as an adult body stops working. These are a normal part of dying. Children and teens have a similar process, but it can be harder to predict. They often stay fairly active and continue to ask a lot of tough-to-answer questions.
1 to 3 months before death, your loved one is likely to:
● Sleep or doze more
● Eat and drink less
● Withdraw from people and stop doing things they used to enjoy
● Talk less (but if they're a child, more)
1 to 2 weeks before death, the person may feel tired and drained all the time, so much that they don't leave their bed. They could have:
● Different sleep-wake patterns
● Little appetite and thirst
● Fewer and smaller bowel movements and less pee
● More pain
● Changes in blood pressure, breathing, and heart rate
● Body temperature ups and downs that may leave their skin cool, warm, moist, or pale
● Congested breathing from the buildup in the back of their throat
● Confusion or seem to be in a daze
Breathing trouble can be distressing for family members, but often it isn't painful and can be managed. Pain can be treated, too. But your loved one may have a hard time taking medicine by mouth.
Hallucinations and visions, especially of long-gone loved ones, can be comforting. If seeing and talking to someone who isn't there makes the person who's dying happier, you don't need to try to convince them that they aren't real. It may upset them and make them argue and fight with you.
When death is within days or hours, your loved one may:
● Not want food or drink
● Stop peeing and having bowel movements
● Grimace, groan, or scowl from pain
You may notice their:
● Eyes tear or glaze over
● Pulse and heartbeat are irregular or hard to feel or hear
● Body temperature drops
● Skin on their knees, feet, and hands turns a mottled bluish-purple (often in the last 24 hours)
● Breathing is interrupted by gasping and slows until it stops entirely
If they're not already unconscious, your loved one may drift in and out. But they probably can still hear and feel.
EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL END-OF-LIFE SIGNS
Giving away belongings and making funeral plans. Some people want to maintain control over their life, so they want to participate in making final decisions about their belongings or their person. How you can help: Although it is emotionally hard for families to talk about final arrangements, it is important to let your loved one do this if they want. Everyone, especially the dying, appreciate having their choices honored.
Withdrawal. The person may seem unresponsive, withdrawn, in a comatose-like state. They are detaching. It is a typical end-of-life symptom. How you can help: Know that hearing remains. Speak in a normal voice. Identify yourself. Hold their hand. Say what you need to say. This helps them let go.
Vision-like experiences. The person may say they have spoken to people who are already deceased. They may say they have been places or seen things not visible to you. This is not hallucination or a drug reaction. It is common. How you can help: Do not contradict, explain away, or discount this experience. Affirm them. If the experience frightens your loved one, reassure them it is common and natural: “Yes, these things happen.”
Restlessness. Repetitive and restless tasks may indicate something unsolved or unfinished is preventing them from letting go. How you can help: Help the person recall a favorite place or good experience. Read to them. Play soothing music. Give reassurance that it is okay to let go.
Communication and permission. Your loved one may make statements or requests that seem out of character. They may be testing you to see if you are ready to let go. They may want to be with a few select people. Maybe they only want one person. If you are not included, it does not mean you are not important or not loved. It means your task with the person is fulfilled. If you are selected, it may mean the person needs your affirmation, support, and permission to let go. How you can help: Let your loved one know you will be alright. Say whatever words of love and support you need to say. Give them permission.
AT THE END
In the last days or hours, your loved one may become restless and confused and have hallucinations so upsetting they may cry out, strike out, or try to climb out of bed. Stay with them. Try to keep them calm with soothing music and gentle touch. Sometimes medication helps.
The room should be well lit, but not bright. Make it as quiet and peaceful as possible. Constantly assure them that you're there.
Ironically, a loved one may also become clear-headed in their final hours.
WHEN TO SAY GOOD-BYE
One of the hardest decisions is when to call in people to say good-bye and to make memories for the future.
Let family members and close friends know as soon as it's obvious that death is near. Find people: friends, relatives, health advisors, who can help you prepare for what's coming, both what will happen to your loved one and your own physical and emotional reactions. Being together allows family members to support each other, too.
Even though you've gathered, don't assume it means you'll be there at the end. Often the person doesn't die until those who sat with them for hours have left, as if he or she was unable to let go while the ones they loved were there
Saying goodbye. This is their final gift. How you can help: Listen. Hold them. Say whatever you need to say. It may be just, “I love you,” or recounting favorite memories you have shared. It may be an apology, or saying, “Thank you.” There is no need to hide your tears. Tears express your love and help you let go.
Remember, all these end-of-life signs and symptoms are common. Your loved one may be as unique during this time as they have always been, so they may show some of these signs and not others. Or they may be different altogether.
TRACK YOUR PROGRESS
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