Essentials of Elderhood - Fulfilling your potential as an Elder by Richard Clarke - HTML preview

SESSION 3: RESTORING OURSELVES TO WHOLENESS

OPENING WORDS

The diminishments of old age school us in the art of humility and self-acceptance. Because we can’t rely on our former attainments and on our physical strength, we must search more deeply within ourselves for a fund of inner strength and wisdom.

“Increased reflection and contemplation in elderhood, as taught by the world’s mystical traditions, are invaluable in helping us befriend our hidden depths.” says Sister Ann of the Immaculate Heart of Mary order, in From Ageing to Sageing.

OPENING TALK

So far we have looked at our own ageism and seen how we need to move past these ideas and find our own way, now, to elder. We have seen we need to apply our whole brain to this task, so we need to meditate and do other things that engage our intuitive mind, like journaling, writing from your stream of consciousness. We have seen this elder stage as fulfillment of life’s journey, and we can lead society, support others, express ourselves and leave a legacy. In the last session we found ways to clear up elements of our past that hold up back.

Today we will engage two more elements of Eldering. These are restoring ourselves to wholeness, and forgiveness; forgiveness of ourselves and others. These are both needed as we martial all our resources for our vital Eldering work.

RESTORING OURSELVES TO WHOLENESS

“Fourfold Model of Self” from From Age-ing to Sage-ing.

Both Jewish Kabbalists and Jungian psychologists are holistic systems; they teach that human beings express themselves on four levels: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

1. In Physical level Eldering work respect and reverence for the body serve as a foundation for wholeness; exercise is the key to a healthy old age.
2. Emotional level work consists of two tasks; coming to terms with our mortality and recontextualizing our past as part of life review releases us toward authenticity and wholeness.
3. Mental level work by synthesizing wisdom from life experience we can do our philosophic homework with greater clarity and wholeness; our tools are understanding, interpretation and evaluation.
4. In Spiritual level Eldering work meditation practices are essential. We must confront our fears and difficulties as well as our aspirations and successes. Meditation enables us to know ourselves more deeply and brings insight and peace of mind. Meditation also supports your efforts on the first 3 levels.

Ageing and Eldering happens on all four levels. As you go through the next week, just be aware of these four levels, and reflect and what you see in your day to day life. You Elder in all four dimensions. So we waqnt to do this consciously.

DISCUSSION - THINGS TO PONDER

1. Our physical bodies support and sustain us.

How do you feel about your physical body?
How do you view your state of health – appetite, energy, physical strength, sexual energy?

2. Our emotional health depends on successfully coming to terms with change.

Have you put your legal and financial affairs in order?
Do you have a will and have you discussed it with loved ones?
Have you told your children and family that you are going to die?

3. Our mental insights into being and becoming need clarity and illumination: Have you integrated your philosophy of life around the abiding questions:

Why are we here?

What is our purpose?

What do you believe about God, the soul, the afterlife?

4. Our spiritual disciplines integrate body and mind, heart and soul.

What spiritual disciplines do you practice?
Have you practiced socialized meditation? (Explain what this is)
What rituals shape your spiritual life?

When I was younger a new kind of therapy was introduced, bioenergetics. The basis for this was releasing emotions that you have held in all your life. My mother, who was a therapist, showed it to me. She had me do a simple exercise: sit on my knees, clasp both hands together and smash them into a big pillow set in front of me. And to say, “NO!” as loud as I could. I felt stupid when I started this, but quickly it touched something very deep, and it felt like I released this emotional energy I had held in so long. I did not even know this was in me, but suddenly I was lighter for having released it. I never understood it, but I released it.

GUIDED FORGIVENESS MEDITATION

Forgiveness

Sit comfortably, allowing your eyes to close and your breath to be natural and easy. Let your body and mind relax.

Breathing gently and feeling the heart, let yourself feel all the barriers you have erected and the emotions that you have carried because you have not forgiven – not forgiven yourself, not forgiven others.

Let yourself feel the pain of keeping your heart closed.

Then, breathing softly, begin asking and extending forgiveness, take the words you are about to say deeply into yourself, letting the images and feelings that come up grow deeper as you hear them.

FORGIVENESS OF OTHERS: There are many ways that I have hurt and harmed others, have betrayed or abandoned them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger and confusion.

Remember and visualize the ways you have hurt others.

See and feel the pain you have caused out of your own fear and confusion.

Feel your own sorrow and regret.

Sense that finally you can release this burden and ask for forgiveness.

Picture each memory that still burdens your heart.

And then to each person in your mind repeat:
I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your forgiveness.

FORGIVENESS FOR YOURSELF: There are many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself. I have betrayed or abandoned myself many times through thought, word, or deed, knowingly or unknowingly.

Feel your own precious body and life.

Let yourself see the ways you have hurt or harmed yourself. Picture them, remember them.

Feel the sorrow you have carried from this and sense that you can release these burdens.

Extend forgiveness for each of them, one by one.

Repeat to yourself:
For the ways I have hurt myself through action or inaction, out of fear, pain and confusion, I now extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I forgive myself, I forgive myself.

FORGIVENESS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE HURT OR HARMED YOU: There are many ways that I have been harmed by others, abused or abandoned, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word or deed.

Picture and remember these many ways.
Feel the sorrow you have carried and sense that you can release this burden of pain by extending forgiveness when your heart is ready.
Now say to yourself:
I now remember the many ways others have hurt or harmed me, wounded me, out of fear, pain, confusion and anger. I have carried this pain in my heart too long. To the extent that I am ready, I offer them forgiveness. To those who have caused me harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.

Let yourself remember this forgiveness until you feel a release in your heart. For some great pains you may not feel a release but only the burden and the anguish or anger you have held. Touch this softly.
Be forgiving of yourself for not being ready to let go and move on. Forgiveness cannot be forced; it cannot be artificial.
Simply continue the practice and let the words and images work gradually in their own way.
In time you can make the forgiveness meditation a regular part of your life, letting go of the past and opening your heart to each new moment with a wise loving kindness.

LETTING GO: SPIRITUAL OPPORTUNITY

Buddha had some interesting things to say about change and letting go. A primary observation of Buddha is that all things are impermanent, everything changes. The Buddha did not teach from “words on high,” he taught based on his own careful observations.

We all want happiness, happiness that lasts, but, because of the fundamental impermanence of things, you can’t find lasting happiness in things – since they are all temporary.

Buddhist mindfulness practice teaches a way how to deal with this: Pay attention, on purpose, non-judgmentally, to the present moment, experience it fully, and then when it is over let go of the experience, no matter how pleasant or unpleasant it may be.

The Buddhists teach that attachments: clinging, trying to hold on to something that is passing is what brings discontent and suffering.

This Buddhist story illustrates this:

Tanzan and Ekido were once traveling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling. Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection. “Come on, girl,” said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud. Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he no longer could restrain himself. “We monks don’t go near females.” He told Tanzan, especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?” “I left the girl there,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”

This is an example of clinging to an idea.

The problem comes from ideas we have about happiness, and what brings us this happiness. As long as we look for happiness from things or activities, then any happiness will be fleeting, since they are impermanent. But some people find a different source for their happiness; they find it from within themselves, when they quiet the mind, through meditation or some other way, and open up to this very moment, the now. Then they are just happy, for no reason, just for being.

My personal goal for this time in life is to be happy always. Maybe this is why I meditate? For the most part, I am successful, I am happy every day. And when I am not, it passes quickly.

Another Buddhist story suggests an attitude:

Buddha told a parable in a sutra. A teaching story: A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him. Two mice one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!

Here the man let go of his idea of safety, a pretty fundamental idea. This let him find unexpected joy in the moment that he otherwise would not have noticed and experienced. That strawberry was so very tasty! The experience brought a joy that would have been easy to miss.

So what are we to do? Open up and fully experience what is going on in your life, laugh or cry or dance, whatever is needed. Find joy while it is here, and then let it go when it passes.

REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS AND DISCUSSION: DYADS ON FORGIVENESS

Read the Forgiveness poem, “Bedtime Prayer of Forgiveness,” below.

Note who you need to forgive, and for what.

Repeat the prayer with full attention to whom and what you want to forgive.

Stop after reading each line and allow yourself to feel release from a painful moment or a feeling of injustice and unburden your soul to God/Eternal Friend/Spirit of Life.

BEDTIME PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS

You, My Eternal Friend,

Witness that I forgive anyone

who hurt or upset me or who offended me –

damaging my body, my property,

my reputation or people that I love;

whether by accident or willingly,

carelessly or purposely;

with words, deeds, thoughts, or attitudes;

in this lifetime or another incarnation –

I forgive every person.

May no one be punished because of me.

Help me Eternal Friend,

to keep from offending You and others,

help me to be thoughtful

and not commit outrage,

by doing evil in Your eyes.

Whatever sins I have committed,

blot out, please, in Your abundant kindness

and spare me suffering or harmful illnesses.

Hear the words of my mouth and

may the meditations of my heart

find acceptance before You, Eternal Friend,

who protects and frees me.

Amen.

Rendered from the Hebrew by Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, The Spiritual Eldering© Workbook Spiritual Eldering© Institute

The work of forgiveness peels away layers of angry memories and residues of resentment. The process works best with daily attention. By creating daily opportunities to practice forgiveness we can unburden ourselves from anger and regrets. Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi rendered from the Hebrew this Bedtime Prayer of Forgiveness.

Adapt the wording of the prayer to reflect your own beliefs and invite them to reflect in the following ways:

 GUIDED MEDITATION: WONDER

As we do the work of resolving and harvesting the past we become more able to live now, in this moment. We feel more joy in our life, more sense of wonder.

We are going to do a short process to feel this wonder.

Take a comfortable position with your body, feet on floor,. Close your eyes, and settle into the feeling of your body.. Notice your breath as it come in and goes out. Feel the breath fill you with energy as you breathe in, Feel calm spread through your body as you breathe out.

Feel what a wonder was your life. What a wonder to be here, living at Lakeside. What a wonder even to exist. What a wonder to be conscious. Feel the wonder, let it fill you till you are filled with wonder. Just stay with this.

Open your eyes, return to this room. Another big breath,

CLOSING WORDS

from Zalman Schachter-Shalomi:

Every life matters immensely;

Every well-lived and completed life

AFTER THE SESSION

READING

From Age-ing to Sage-ing, chapter 5 pp 107 - 134

Buddha’s Brain, chapter 4, 5 pp 67 - 96

JOURNALING SESSION 3

Journal Exercise 1: Planning a testimonial dinner for these severe teachers

This exercise uses the broad perspective of time to reframe hurtful relationships and situations with this perspective you welcome people back into your life. You can thank them for the unexpected good fortune that resulted from what seemed like an injustice inflicted upon you. You can end the blame game and reclaim a sense of personal empowerment.

A way to approach this is to plan a testimonial dinner for these severe teachers.

1. Sit in a comfortable chair. Take a few deep breaths to calm your mind.
2. Divide a piece of paper into three columns. In the first column, note the guests you are inviting to the dinner. In the second column describe apparent injustice. In the third column describe the unexpected benefits, the good that resulted from their actions.
3. Use the broad perspective of time, say to each of these offending parties, “I understand now that you did me a great deal of good by your actions, when you did ____________, for which I now thank you. I understand now that it was difficult for you, and for me, too. But now I forgive you, I am grateful for your contribution to my life.
4. As you consider each of these, ask yourself, “How did I contribute to this? What part did I play in being victimized? Did I have unconscious programming that made me a collaborator in this? Maybe you can uncover ways where you sabotaged yourself. Now extend the same grace you showed to your severe teachers. Forgive yourself. As you free yourself from the blame game, you can release the energy that has been tied up in resentment, and redirect it into your growth now, and the joy of life as an elder.

JOURNAL EXERCISE 2: WISDOMKEEPER

WISDOMKEEPER:

AUDREY SHENANDOAH

Onondaga Clan Mother

My greetings affirm the linkage of we humans to one another and our relationship to the environment and the Universe

We have much to learn from the incredible knowledge of our ancestors which was gained long before reading and writing came about. From time immemorial every bit of their intelligence and senses were used. Humans knew and felt relationship to all that lived and moved. Somehow that relationship must be regained.

We are faced with crucial times. Changes need to be made beginning now, for our life-support system is being severely abused and mismanaged. Many people of peace have been persecuted through the centuries. I believe that the time of persecution is passed. The energies of the people are now being directed in search of ways to save Mother Earth.

The founder of Haudenosaunee government, whom we call the Peacemaker, intended that there be social justice in the world. No man was to be more privileged than any other man. All were to be accorded respect. A healthy human mind respects the gifts of life – all nature gives life. There is no word for “nature” in my language. . . The closest words to the idea of “nature” translate to refer to things which support life. It is foolish arrogance for humans to think themselves superior to all the life-support system. How can one be superior to that upon which one depends for life?

We live in an era when far too much money is expended on the military. Even as we enter a time of increasing potential for peace among the major powers, military expenditures remain grotesquely high. The purpose of these high military budgets must be the anticipation of violence. As a mother I demand that our sons not be raised to die in war. I would urge the whole concept of nature be rethought. Nature, the land, must not mean money; it must designate life. Nature is the storehouse of potential life of future generations and is sacred. Human societies already possess the technologies necessary to provide food, clothing and shelter for everyone. The organization of distribution of wealth needs to be repaired, for the imbalance destroys both contemporary and future human life and nature.

JOURNALING QUESTIONS 2

Western society needs to prioritize life-supporting systems and to question its commitment to materialism. Spirituality should be our foundation.

Where are your energies directed?

As a grand/mother or grand/father what do you demand for our children? For Mother Earth?

How are you building your spiritual foundation?

Take some time to reflect on this poem. Then answer these questions about your relationship to humanity, the environment, and the Universe.

Where are your energies directed?

As a grand/mother or grand/father what do you demand for our children? For Mother Earth?

How are you building your spiritual foundation?

JOURNAL EXERCISE 3: FORGIVENESS PRACTICE

Who do you need to forgive? Say their name(s). Bring them to mind, maybe with a mental image. Then read to them the forgiveness poem. Feel this forgiveness as you read.

MEDITATION OF THE WEEK:  LOVING-KINDNESS

How to do a loving-kindness meditation:

Relax Your Body: Take a deep breath in. And out.

Bring Your Attention to the Warmth of Your Heart

SEND LOVING-KINDNESS TO YOURSELF

Think of yourself. Then repeat the following phrase, three times, silently:

May I live with ease, may I be happy, may I be free from pain.

SEND LOVING-KINDNESS TO LOVED ONES

Think of a loved one. Bring up a mental image. Say their name. Repeat the following phrase, silently, three times:

May you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live with ease and happiness.

Now picture another person that you love,  and repeat the phrase above, three times.

SEND LOVING-KINDNESS TO NEUTRAL PEOPLE

Now think of an acquaintance, someone you don’t know very well and toward whom you do not have any particular feeling. Repeating the following phrase, silently, thrice:

May you live with ease and happiness.

SEND LOVING-KINDNESS TO PEOPLE WITH WHOM YOU HAVE NEGATIVE FEELINGS

Now bring to mind another acquaintance toward whom you have a negative feeling or conflict. Send your good wishes, repeating the following phrases, silently, three times:

May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be free from all pain.

SEND LOVING-KINDNESS TO ALL LIVING BEINGS

Now expand your awareness and picture the whole globe in front of you as a little ball. Send warm wishes to all living beings. Say this phrase three times silently:

May you live with ease, happiness, and good health.

Take a deep breath in. And breathe out. And another deep breath in and let it go. Notice the state of your mind and how you feel after this meditation.

TRACK YOUR PROGRESS

Comments for the week: