Chapter 12 – How to Handle Illicit Thoughts and Desires
Learning how to deal with the thoughts and desires that arise from within myself has been a crucial component of successfully overcoming my own addiction to pornography. For many years, the shame that I felt simply for having lustful or pornographic thoughts and desires was a huge barrier to getting free. I felt like I was a despicable person for simply having these thoughts and desires to begin with. Then, once I began my recovery, I felt that the continued presence of these thoughts and desires were signs that I wasn’t changing, that I was failing in my quest for freedom. I am happy to report that I was wrong on both counts.
Hear me. Really listen to the following words. You are not a despicable, worthless person because you have evil, lustful, pornographic thoughts and desires – you are simply human. Neither are you failing in your quest to be free from the addiction of pornography simply because you continue to have these thoughts and desires. We can't stop thoughts or desires from occurring, but we can change our behavior and environment, which can eventually lead to fewer destructive thoughts and desires so that they are reduced to a manageable level.
While this chapter will be helpful to someone who is just starting out in recovery, it is especially helpful for someone who has been on the road to recovery for a while and suddenly notices that their thoughts and desires seem to be going full-throttle in reverse back to unhealthy pre-recovery levels. If this is you, you may find yourself at your wit's end and fear the worst. After all, aren’t you already working your recovery and doing everything you know to do to get free and stay free? It can be a very frustrating and self-defeating situation if not handled properly. If this is you, know that you are not alone. Keep reading. Help is just a few words away.
Our thoughts and desires occur due to a variety of influences. These influences stem from our inherent nature as well as our environment, combined with how we react to those influences, reaching all the way back into our childhood and extending to our present. To attempt to stop these thoughts and desires from occurring at all would require that we completely destroy a part of ourselves that is integral to who we are and remove ourselves from any contact with the vast majority of human society. That is not possible in this lifetime, nor is it a healthy goal. However, as discussed previously in the chapters on dismantling shame and implementing healthy boundaries, we can greatly diminish the sources of these thoughts and desires, both internally and externally, and thereby greatly reduce them in power and frequency.
Like anyone who pursues recovery from an addiction, I have my ups and downs along the way. There are times when I notice a spike in lustful thoughts and desires. I have learned over the years to take these experiences at face value, and not get caught up in battling with shame over the mere fact that they are rattling around in my mind and body. Instead, I immediately begin the process of analyzing why the increase might be happening. I ask myself what factors in my behaviors, thought processes, or circumstances might be influencing the increase, and what can I do to minimize or remove those things from my life?
Sometimes identifying the reason for the increase in these types of illicit thoughts and desires can be obvious. If I have gone to the beach this past weekend and seen about a hundred scantily clad women prancing around, then I have a pretty good idea why I’m suddenly seeing a spike in lustful thoughts and desires on Monday morning. The remedy? Well, if I simply walk the walk and let the thoughts pass out of my mind without dwelling on them or fantasizing about them, then that is likely all that I need to do. A day or so later (and a few prayers of ‘Jesus, please keep me sober’) my thoughts and desires will level out, and I’ll be back to normal.
In other cases, the source of the spike in lustful thoughts and desires can be less obvious. One such influence can be biological. Everyone reading this is likely aware that females experience normal monthly fluctuations in the amount of estrogen in their bodies. What many of you may not be aware of is that men have a similar periodic fluctuation in the levels of testosterone in their bodies. You take a normal man and flood his system with an increase in testosterone, and you are going to have a big increase in sexual desire. In some cases, an increase in your sexual thoughts and desires can be attributed to this fact alone. If you have examined your environment, behavior, and emotional state, and can’t find anything that might be contributing to a sudden sharp increase in sexual thoughts, desires, and temptations, then (assuming you are male) you could be experiencing the results of a natural periodic spike in testosterone. Women can experience a similar, but not altogether identical, spike in sexual desire with their own natural biological cycles.
Another scenario that can prove difficult to assess, particularly for someone just starting out in recovery, is when there is a combination of influences that collectively produce a rise in illicit sexual desires and thoughts. Imagine a pond that has frozen over. The ice isn’t a foot thick, but it can hold a fair amount of weight. You begin placing bricks, one at a time, in a pile on the ice. One brick, two bricks, three bricks – the ice holds, and nothing happens. Five bricks, six bricks, seven bricks – suddenly you begin seeing signs of stress in the ice. Maybe a crack or two appears, but the ice holds. Eight bricks, nine bricks, ten bricks – then suddenly the ice that was fine and dandy with six bricks breaks, and all the bricks plunge into the icy water.
In the above illustration, the ice represents our program, our ability to resist acting out. The bricks represent triggering influences that increase illicit sexual thoughts and desires. The crash into the icy waters represents acting out – when we finally give in to the tempting thoughts and desires and act out with pornography or another form of unhealthy sexual activity. The point in the illustration where the ice first begins to show signs of stress, maybe a crack or two, is the point where we see an increase in illicit, unhealthy sexual desires and thoughts in our lives.
This illustration helps demonstrate why it is so important to do our part to keep illicit, unhealthy sexual thoughts and desires to a minimum. If left unchecked, these triggering thoughts and desires can lead to acting out with pornography or other forms of unhealthy sexual activity. In this chapter, we are focusing on the bricks themselves. Identifying what the bricks are (i.e. where the thoughts are coming from) is key to ensuring that they don’t get put on the ice (i.e. put in our minds) in the first place.
Everyone has the occasional disagreement with a spouse or significant other, everyone has some stress at work now and then, and everyone occasionally sees some sexually charged advertisements on TV, the internet, or the check-out line at the local grocery store. Taken by themselves, each of these things is a normal part of life that wouldn’t necessarily lead to a spike in unhealthy sexual thoughts and desires. Now let’s imagine that you normally view three news websites on any given day. Let’s suppose that there has been an increase during the past week in the number of stories on those sites that have sexually charged or contain salacious images or advertisements. You don’t go there to view porn, but you do see the images on the screen. Add a brick on the ice. This same week, you and the wife have been having an argument about finances that is still going on. Add two more bricks on the ice. Finally, the annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue just came out and is displayed prominently in the local grocery store checkout line. You don’t pick it up, but you see the revealing cover on your way out the checkout line. Add another brick. You are conditioned to dealing with a two-brick week, but now you’ve got a four-brick week going on. The extra stressors/triggers in your life can lead to a spike in unhealthy sexually explicit thoughts and desires in a heartbeat. And if your body is already in a natural upswing in your testosterone levels – add a couple of more bricks on that ice!
I hope this illustration helps you see that it can be the little foxes that are spoiling the grapes. A multitude of lesser influences that aren’t all that out of the ordinary taken by themselves can be conspiring to cause a potentially dangerous situation for your sexual sobriety. How do you deal with it? First, you need to have the knowledge and skill required to identify these influences. Reading this book (and others) and attending a good recovery program can help you develop this skill. Secondly, you need to use that skill and spend some time thinking about your life to enumerate the influences that are currently impacting you today. Thirdly, you need to adjust your program accordingly so that you have fewer bricks on the ice.
How would I attack the previous scenario? I would look at those bricks that are most easily under my control, and then move them off the ice. I can easily modify my internet usage for a week so that I don’t see those images. I can do this by either using a text-only web browser utility like Textise.net or by skipping the news sites for a week (don’t worry, the world will still be here if you don’t read the news for a week). I can intentionally determine that I will direct my gaze to somewhere else other than the magazine rack when I go to the grocery store – easy peasy. I can exercise my body more frequently this week to burn off some of that natural increase in testosterone. I’ve taken a few bricks off of the ice by this point, and will likely experience a drastic decrease in unhealthy sexual thoughts and desires in a couple of days if I implement all of these changes. You may even think about apologizing to your wife for being such a jerk to her about the finances – that might even lead to a healthy outlet for your sexual tension (no, I haven’t been eavesdropping on your conversations with your spouse).
While you cannot stop all unhealthy sexual thoughts and desires from entering your life, you do have great influence over the frequency and power that these thoughts and desires possess. By working your recovery program and implementing some of the strategies I mention in this chapter, you can maintain sexual sobriety and avoid setting yourself up for a slip-up (i.e. avoid acting out with pornography). If you want to be free from the destructive grip of addiction to pornography, you must deal proactively with your illicit sexual thoughts and desires. Forewarned is forearmed. God’s peace.