Chapter 13 – The Difference between Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Forgiveness is an often abused word. Many people, I have discovered, have a mistaken idea about what forgiveness is. Let me start by discussing some things that forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not pretending that someone who abused you in the past is suddenly safe and trustworthy, it isn’t forgetting what they did, and it doesn’t require that you unconditionally give them a second chance. This probably goes against everything you have ever heard on the topic of forgiveness. I hope, in this chapter, to be able to help dispel the myth and bring the light of truth to bear on the topic so that you, dear reader, can proceed in your recovery on level ground.
I agree with the good book on this point – you should forgive everybody. Life is too short to be walking around with bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness in your heart. Someone rightly said once that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. It just doesn’t work that way. If you harbor unforgiveness in your heart towards someone, it ends up hurting you and not the other person. If you refuse to forgive someone, you are giving them power over you that they probably don’t deserve. They then have the power to make you unhappy and bitter simply because of your unforgiveness. Forgive them, and take back your happiness and serenity.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you are absolving them of responsibility for what they have done; it simply means you are not going to make them the arbiter of your happiness or decide that you won’t be happy until they undo what they did or are punished for it. Face it; they can’t undo what they did. Expecting them to is a pipe dream. The only way forward is forgiveness.
During my journey of recovery I had some family members who did and said things that were very detrimental to my recovery, and damaging to myself, my wife, and my children. I confronted them about what they had done individually. To a person, they became defensive, and none of them has acknowledged that what they did was wrong as of this writing. I chose to forgive them for what they did and move on. I don’t wish any harm to come to them, nor am I going to seek to punish them for what they did. I did, however, put limits on the amount of time that I will choose to allow myself and my wife and children to spend with them. These boundaries are to protect myself and my family from the effects of their dysfunction, and not to punish them for their misdeeds. This is what healthy forgiveness looks like. Forgiveness does not mean that you allow someone who is unstable or operating in toxic dysfunction to have unfettered access to you, your family, or your property.
Now, let’s take a look at reconciliation. Reconciliation is the process of restoring a relationship between two people that has been damaged. Where forgiveness is a one-way street that only requires action by the person who was wronged, reconciliation is a two-way street. For a relationship to be reconciled, the person who offended the other person must a) acknowledge that what they did was wrong, b) ask for and receive forgiveness for what they have done, and c) make amends, or restitution for what they have done, if possible.
Some people will expect that once you decide to forgive them for past offenses, that you should restore to them all of their previous privileges and trust them just as you formerly did, even though they may not have taken any of the steps required for reconciling the relationship with you. That is insane, inappropriate, and dysfunctional. Maybe a parent abused you, and in the process of your recovery, you go to them and tell them that you forgive them. That’s a great thing. It can bring healing to you, and some measure of healing to your relationship with that parent. However, if that parent doesn’t acknowledge that what they did was wrong or seek to make amends in any way, it is unlikely that there will be some great improvement in your relationship. Suppose they were a drunk and had a wreck in which you were physically injured, and now that you have forgiven them they want to start babysitting your kids and driving them around town. Furthermore, they want to do this without ever admitting that what they did was wrong or joining AA or pursuing their recovery to change their abusive and dangerous ways. You would be a fool to trust them with your kids. It doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them; it simply means they have not fully reconciled the relationship so that a suitable level of trust has been re-established. Their lack of genuine and thoughtful repentance does not justify the level of trust they are now asking you to extend to them.
Back to the example I mentioned previously concerning some family members. Due in part to their toxic and hurtful actions combined with the problems my wife and I had, my marriage almost ended. But thanks to our Higher Power, some genuine miracles happened, and my wife and I made it through and stayed together. After the storm in my marriage was beginning to subside, these relatives wanted to resume the same privileges and familiarity that they had before. They never acknowledged that anything they did was wrong, they never asked for forgiveness, and they never sought to make amends or rebuild the relationships that they had walked all over. And yet, they acted hurt – shocked even – when my wife and I put boundaries in place that limited the time we spent with them and the access that they had to our kids. We had forgiven them for what they did, but we no longer trusted them in the same way that we had previously. They had proven that they were not safe people for our kids or us to be intimately involved with, and they had made no effort to acknowledge that or change their toxic ways.
I wish it weren't so, but there will be those people in your life on your road to recovery that will seek to bully and badger you into giving them the privileges and benefits of reconciliation without lifting a finger to earn it. Forgiveness is free to the offender, and often costly to the offended. However, reconciliation is earned by the efforts of both. If anyone tells you differently, they don’t know what they are talking about.
If you don’t trust someone or don’t feel safe letting someone in your life in the way they are pressuring you to, don’t just ignore those feelings. Those feelings deserve to be heard. It may take you a while to discern exactly why you don’t trust them or don’t feel right letting them have access into your life the way that they want to, but it is important that you give yourself the time and get the help you need to figure it out. Many times our emotions are telling us things that our minds don’t yet comprehend. With good counsel, time, and prayer to your Higher Power, you’ll likely discover what it is, and then you can address the situation in a healthy way instead of letting yourself be further abused or taken advantage of.
On second chances
If someone does pursue reconciliation with you, there will likely come a point where they want to be given a second chance. In many cases, if the person has acknowledged what they have done, has apologized or asked for forgiveness, and has demonstrated evidence of changed behavior, there is a good case to be made that giving them a second chance could be the right thing to do. However, in my opinion, there are some situations where a second chance should not be on the table. One such situation, in particular, is when someone has abused a child sexually. There are some things that are too precious to risk in life. The safety and wellbeing of the children God has entrusted to you fall into that category. If anyone has abused children sexually, even if they have served their time in jail and gone through a sex addiction recovery program, I don’t think they should ever be trusted to be in a situation again where they could be alone with kids. Their character may have indeed changed, that’s between them and God, but I wouldn’t leave them alone with kids under any circumstances.
Sometimes full reconciliation doesn’t happen in this life, and I’ve learned to live with that. This can happen either because the person who made the offense doesn’t do their part to reconcile with the person they have offended, or because the risk to allow that person the trust they formerly had is just too great. I encourage you to forgive everyone – there is no need to carry around that bitterness and anger in your own life, it only weighs you down and poisons your soul. But I also encourage you not to reconcile unless the situation warrants it. Give yourself permission to protect yourself and those you love from abuse.
On seeking to reconcile with those you have wronged
Now that we have established a working knowledge of what forgiveness and reconciliation are, we can examine how the shoe looks on the other foot. As people pursuing recovery from an addiction to pornography, you and I have done our fair share of hurting others. Don’t think so? What about the time and attention we should have been giving to our family or to our jobs that we spent binge watching porn? What about the unrealistic demands we placed on our spouses to fulfill the twisted hyper-sexual, and maybe even dangerous sexual desires we had as a result of pursuing our addiction? What about the healthy intimacy we denied our spouse because we were getting our fix on the web or from a magazine? How about the hypocrisy of pretending to be one person while we were living a double life? That’s hurt people too. What about the support for a multi-billion dollar industry known for abusing women. Our participation in that industry provided a profit motive for the perpetrators of that abuse to continue their heinous business. Just surf the free stuff you say? It may be free to you, but there are plenty of advertisers paying to advertise to you while you are looking at that free porn – you’re still not off the hook.
Hey, nobody said recovery was going to be a cakewalk. You and I are guilty of all the above and more. If we have dealt with toxic shame, hopefully, we are now at a place where we can examine our actions objectively and accept the appropriate responsibility for what we have done. Once we do that, guess what? We need to start the process of asking for forgiveness, making amends, and seeking reconciliation where appropriate.
Delving into this process further is beyond the scope of this book. However, I felt it would by hypocritical to talk about giving forgiveness to others and holding them accountable for reconciling with us for the ways they hurt us without looking at both sides of the fence. Bottom line: work your program, and when you get to steps 8, 9, and 10 in a good twelve step recovery program (the steps dealing with making amends to those we have harmed), work those steps like there is no tomorrow.