Chapter 12 A Rough Start
On particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days is 100% so far. -Marc and Angel Hack Life
I will not lie. Starting high school was tough. I had moved and switched schools continually throughout my childhood, but this was a small town where everyone grew up together. I was an outsider. I was called a “flatlander” because I wasn’t born in Vermont. It didn’t matter that my family helped found towns in Vermont--I wasn’t born there, so I wasn’t a member of the club. It didn’t help that I had moved from a city to the middle of fucking nowhere. Feeling like an outsider really stung. I went to Spaulding High School, home of the Crimson Tide. The mascot was a wave for Christ’s sake.
Culture Shock
There was a large family across the street with a girl named Ginny who was my age. We hit it off immediately, although she was very shy and quiet. It was nice to know someone starting high school, too. We hung out and talked and Ginny introduced me to some of her friends. There was a place called Thunder Road where people raced cars on a track and kids hung out. I learned my way around town and started meeting people my age. Kimmie was starting sixth grade, which was middle school in Vermont, so I know she struggled with the transition as well.
Vermont wasn’t Rhode Island, that’s for sure. It felt like moving from a city to a farm. I wore a lot of makeup, fashion was important, and the schools were bigger in Rhode Island. Now there were farms everywhere and people actually talked about tipping cows. I had always loved the woods and here there was a lot of woods, but also huge pastures and fields. It was a calm place–too calm sometimes. I was accustomed to purple lipstick, black eyeliner, and designer fashion (even if they were hand me downs). Vermont was about five years behind Rhode Island fashion-wise, and it didn’t seem like people really knew what makeup was. The size of my class in Vermont was almost half the size of my classes in Rhode Island. There was no hustle and bustle in town. It was only about a block long. I felt lost.
Body Talk Breakthrough
On top of feeling like an outsider and not wanting anyone to know about my past, my body was going through a breakdown. Being in Vermont felt foreign, but it also felt safe. After the years of being in survival mode, it was as if my body was reacting to the emotions I had been going through all those years. I couldn’t keep food down well. I didn’t throw up often, I just couldn’t tolerate eating. My stomach was always upset and it hurt to eat. My joints ached, especially my hips. It was a chronic pain. And to add insult to injury, my debilitating headaches were also nonstop. My mother took me to the doctor. I was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis and told I couldn’t participate in any sports. I was also diagnosed with ulcers in my stomach. I was falling apart. I would have been interested in doing track again, but the doctor took that decision away from me.
Lunch Money
My mother gave my sister and me lunch money. With how upset my stomach was, I couldn’t always eat lunch. In the cafeteria, I would just buy certain items included in the hot lunch and sometimes an ice cream bar. The ice cream bar consisted of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry strips of ice cream covered in milk chocolate. For whatever reason, my stomach could tolerate it. Being seen eating that was also about being cool. I was eating what I wanted, was in control of my body, and had chosen to sit with my friends in the loud cafeteria. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. It didn’t feel wrong. Eventually, my mother found out I was spending some of my lunch money on ice cream. That did not go well.
She came home one day from work and stormed into the house shouting my name. I came into the entryway and she screamed at me. She asked if I had been spending some of my lunch money on ice cream. I told her yes. She slapped me across the face. Just hauled off and nailed me. I started crying, asking what I did wrong and why she was so mad at me. It’s only ice cream. She was furious. She yelled at me about her hard-earned money. At that moment, I lost any shred of respect I had for her. I realized I had been clinging to the ideal that she would somehow come back to us, love us, and put us first. I had spent years trying not to hate her. But she had just slapped me so hard that she nearly knocked me over. This is when I gave up on her.
Becoming A Warrior Princess
I’ve been mad at my kids for stupid things. Sometimes everything going on in life makes one small thing seem overwhelming. I’ve also moved– although I didn’t want to–but I’ve been lucky that my kids have been disrupted very little in school.
My diagnosis of arthritis and ulcers was incorrect. I’ve never had an issue with either of those things. My body just needed time to have a breakdown and slowly heal. Over time as that happened and I felt more safe, I never had any more symptoms. The headaches continued, but everything else cleared up.
Triumph with Love
You won’t always feel like you fit in. When it happens, don’t worry too much about it. If you look around, most of us have felt that way at some time in our lives.
LEARN AND GROW
• Most people feel awkward, like they don’t fit in
• Don’t stress so much about what others think and go with who you are
• Be genuine always. Then people will like the real you