Chapter 14 Sophomore Year
She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another. -Sarah Addison Allen
During the summer before my sophomore year, we moved out of Grammy’s house and into an apartment. Cindy and Dave were the landlords who owned a huge, three-story house that they converted into three apartments–one on each floor. We lived on the third floor up some narrow, wooden stairs. It was an older home with all the quirks and beauty that older homes in New England have. There was great woodwork, built ins, window seats, uneven, squeaky floors, and plumbing and heating that rattled. I loved it. It was a two bedroom, one bathroom apartment with rooms that seemed like nooks and afterthoughts. Somehow it all worked, though. I liked the craftsmanship and uniqueness of this older home. The quirks made me feel at home.
Summertime in Vermont
This was also the summer I got my driver’s permit. In Vermont, due to all the farming and tractors, we could get our permits at age 14 ½ and driver’s license at age 16. Our landlord Cindy was amazing. She did most of the driving with me, which was great. My mother nearly had a heart attack every time I drove her old Subaru. She’d yell, “Gun it, gun it, gun it!” each time I was pulling into traffic. Needless to say, they weren’t my favorite teaching moments. Cindy had a Datsun wagon with a stick shift. Everything I drove had a manual transmission. Once I was at a stop sign and couldn’t get the car out of second gear. People were honking behind me and anxiety was rising, although I never got upset, just frustrated. Cindy was a no-hassle, no-stress person, so she gave me time to attempt to figure it out, then simply got out of the car, cigarette hanging out of her mouth, flipped off the person behind us and yelled, “Fuck you, she’s learning!” and then switched places with me and drove off.
Cindy was low-key about everything. She had a son named Eammon who was under two. I would babysit for her with Kimmie, and we spent tons of time in their part of the house on the first floor. Kimmie was mommy to every creature she found, always the sweet little spirit. There were cats in the neighborhood that kept having kittens, so it seemed like there were always tons of cats around. One time, Eammon wriggled out a partially opened window onto the roof. He was a crazy nut of a toddler always wearing everyone out. I climbed out onto the roof and retrieved him as he threw a monster-sized temper tantrum. Cindy was pregnant with her second child, Maureen, and I enjoyed watching her go through the pregnancy process. Cindy ate as much cookie dough as she could during that pregnancy, so there were always dough and cookies around. She was a fantastic cook as well, so it was great to crash and eat at her place. Cindy took us to Groton, a town about a half hour away, to go swimming at a pond and to her mother’s house so we could swim in her pool.
Sophomore year was easier. The divorce was final and the threat of The Monster returning was distant. I knew the kids at school and was no longer the underdog as the youngest kids in high school.
Wounded
I shot up to 5’9” and have stretch marks on my hips from growing so fast. My stretch marks look like a tiger clawed me, and while they didn’t make me self conscious, being so tall did. This was when a boy in school called me an Amazon. I was mortified. Amazon sounded too big, too overbearing and awful. I imagined some huge woman who was loud and mean. I never asked in what context he meant it.
I started slouching–especially in pictures–to make myself look smaller. I was embarrassed about my height. Even though I was only about 120 pounds, I had a big, round butt, and I felt too large. I never changed my eating habits, I just tried to look smaller. I didn’t wear clothing that was bright or loud. I kept all my colors neutral. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself at all. I even quieted down my personality–which is pretty big on its own. I wanted to hide. Despite my insecurities about my body and height, I never stopped doing any of the things I liked to do. I still sang on stage. I was just in a back row. I auditioned for plays and hung out with friends. I just hurt inside and added “Amazon” to the pile of things I didn’t want people to know about me, along with all the other things I didn’t like about myself, things that happened to me or I was hiding.
Love Life
Erik and Sue started dating, which I thought was odd, but we were all trying to figure out who we were at that age and trying to fit in. Rene and I started dating. We had been great friends for a while now, and I didn’t feel self conscious with him. My mother would drive us to Montpelier, the next town over, to go dancing at a club for teenagers. We’d dance until we closed the place down. He and I always had a blast together. On the first floor of the house we lived in, by an inside entrance to Cindy’s kitchen, the stairs were open and Rene and I would make out in the alcove. Cindy would open the door and hand us a glass of water or a popsicle. She was great about letting us be teenagers but also letting us know she was there.
I might have French kissed in the hallways with Adam in middle school, but this was more grown up, more intentional and less awkward. We spent time at Rene’s apartment too. He was my first dating sexual experience. Rene was never pushy but more curious and also more experienced as I wasn’t his first girlfriend. We got very hot and heavy and he was the first one that felt me up and down. It was amazing to me to have someone my age interested and curious about me. It was the first time I was touched sexually on my terms because I wanted to, and that was liberating. It awakened my sexuality in a positive way. I liked having my breasts touched because it felt good. I was shy about his hand down my pants, but holy hell, it felt great, so that was a good thing too. I also touched my first penis for real and started to figure out how all of this worked in normal circumstances as opposed to being molested and groped. It was wonderful, exciting, and scary because it was the very beginning of my learning curve. It was me becoming a woman and learning about my sexuality. It was empowering.
Rene and I broke up after a few months. We went right back to being friends like it was no big deal because certainly to us, it wasn’t. He told me he was gay, and I didn’t know how I didn’t figure it out on my own. I was glad that he wanted to figure out his own sexuality and thought it was awesome that we got to do some of that together. It was cool that he was curious about women and we tested the waters. It turned out well, especially since I was curious, too.
I dated a couple other people. Rob and Brian. Both nice guys. Both sweet to me. I didn’t mess around much with either of them. Mostly kissing. I wasn’t particularly interested in dating seriously. Brian remembered my favorite things. White roses and Reese’s peanut butter cups. He’d bring them to me and surprise me. It was nice that someone remembered what I liked. Brian lived on a farm. I spent time there when I could, and it was a similar experience to Morris’s farm. I loved spending time there.
Singing Was My Salvation
I auditioned for chorale–the special choir. I got in and started singing more, in Latin, German, and Italian. There was more purpose in chorale, a smaller group. It was amazing, although a lot of work, because we were singing at a higher level. I also auditioned for All State and got in, which meant singing with kids from all surrounding high schools who scored high enough. Each school had a couple months and practiced the material on their own. Then we came together for three days. We had two eight-hour days to practice together, and then we had a concert. Only the best singers got in to All State, and it felt great to score high enough at the tryouts.
I found my passion in singing. I loved the community. We practiced every chance we could for All State until it felt like I didn’t have a voice left. We would practice after school, during chorale, or we would get passes from study hall to go sing. I had a small part in Snoopy the Musical, too. This was a fun, light, and silly play. With a small part, I did some behind the scenes work, which I also loved. Props, scene changes and helping with anyone who needed help were some of my favorite memories. I enjoyed being on stage in any capacity. Acting meant you could be someone other than yourself.
Becoming A Warrior Princess
Due to social media, I’ve been able to connect more easily with a wider net of people. It’s made staying in touch a piece of cake. Sue and I connect sometimes, and I enjoy seeing her family and life. She became a music teacher in Arizona. Erik and I also connect via social media, and I like following his adventures with his partner in Florida (and on the cruise ship before that!). Rene and I keep in touch and catch up from time to time. He’s in Vermont with his partner. It’s wonderful to see him happy. We chat about the crazy old days and how much we genuinely appreciate and love each other. Rob and I are on Facebook also. We speak occasionally and our memories are always good. Cindy and I have never lost touch, and she is one of the people with whom I can pick up where we left off every time we connect. She was pivotal in my life, helping me transition from being a dysfunctional kid who took care of everybody to a normal teenager that babysat. She looked past my damage and allowed me to have a normal childhood.
It would take a few more years for me to feel good about being an Amazon. I vacillated between being comfortable with myself and secure to insecure and slouching.
Triumph with Love
I learned how to be laid back from Cindy, to not take things too seriously, and to laugh a lot. I learned that Kimmie and I loved far beyond just each other. I learned taking care of others–like babysitting–meant that people took care of me in return. Cindy taught me how to drive. I learned that great friends get better with time–like fine wine. I learned that my body and my sexuality weren’t scary, but sensually empowering.
LEARN AND GROW
• Relax, laugh, explore
• Be a great friend and you will have friends be great right back to you
• Letting people in can teach valuable lessons