Chapter 7
What Really Makes Humans Happy
Most of us have read that book or been at that seminar that really made an impact; however, we had trouble maintaining any real change—often because we had no idea how to keep that powerfully touching information alive or that we should. We often think that just having an epiphany is good enough because the brain will do the right thing with that new information. However, our brains need repeated experiences to create a neural tract that remains.
Even when reading Wired To Worry, no matter how many new ideas resonate with you, if you do not get the book and the workbook and practice them each day for at least the first month, they will not rewire your brain. Repetition is the branding iron of knowledge and that translates into new behavior; your brain already does this to memorize pain and problems from your past, present, and hypothetical future. Now you are going to throw all of that into REVERSE.
Most of us are very confused about what actually makes us happy, which is obvious by our pursuits for the empty promises of status, money, and fame. In an article published in Harvard Business Review Press in 2011, Professor Amabile states, “We found that of all the events that could make for a great day at work, the most important was making progress on meaningful work — even a small step forward.”
Studies reveal the 3 top things that make humans happy—
In short, we need to feel that we matter, but when we question our value or those around us do, we can spiral into misery. It doesn’t take anything horrible to happen; just having a coworker or supervisor question our competency or having friends go out without inviting us can result in us feeling the darkness creep in.
When something like that happens to you, your amygdala trips the switch, telling you death is once again at your doorstep. Again during these bouts we will waste mental energy and emotion on trying to figure out the how’s and the why’s someone could think that way about us. This is where you will be changing things— no longer will you get caught up in the psychological trap of trying to figure out another person’s motives to ease your own pain. Instead you will be able to trigger your own brain chemicals to improve your own state of mind. Then use the column writing tool from the book to ascertain the facts of the situation so you don’t inflate it by creating an unrealistic story around what happened to validate your pain.
As you will come to understand, your beliefs allow or disallow your wonderful brain chemicals to flow. If you went on vacation but kept telling yourself you didn’t deserve it, that you didn’t work enough for it, or that you have no money to be on vacation, you would not enjoy yourself. Your belief would supersede the experience, and your brain would not reward you with serotonin. So you will learn how to spot the underlying beliefs that are active both on the surface and in the background.
Key Beliefs When on Vacation:
I deserve a time-out.
My only job is to appreciate beauty.
My life won’t fall apart.
I can stop worrying.
I need this for my health.
I am safe here.
All of these beliefs can be adopted in everyday life, but until now we have believed that mindset to be opposed to fixing everything we don’t like about life. This is a pivotal technique that is easy to understand and put into action.
We are quick to give in to the everyday pressures along with the lie that we can be happy after these problems are resolved. Which really just means we will be stressed out until we are back on vacation next year.
What Stops You From Feeling The Things You Already Have?
You have worked hard for your home, car, job, friends, and family. When you were growing up, all you could do was dream about one day having these things. Now, all these things are available to you, plus a host of other nice things, good things, great things, and kind things—but as I said earlier, your mind barely notices them. Your brain has been programed to want to just move on so you can get to the next thing. It never ends; its appetite for the next thing is insatiable. It sees almost everything as a means to an end…some evasive “end” that never comes, like tomorrow. At best, it will see each moment as a tool; at worst, as another problem to be solved or overcome.
This is the dreary fog in which we walk around, never really seeing, feeling, or tasting any of the precious things life brings to us. This has to change. Throughout Wired To Worry you will learn that the degree to which you give this moment your full attention and focus will be the degree to which the next moment is prepared for you. Life is not a series of obstacles to get through every day. For what? When does the pleasure start? When we get home from work? When we get the kids to bed? When we get into bed? The pleasure is hiding in plain view within each moment we experience. The pleasure is recognizing that there is no other place to be but in this moment. It is the pleasure of not running ahead worrying about stuff that has not even happened, the pleasure of seeing the smiles on the faces of friends and colleagues that we normally only glance at. This pleasure entails smiling right now and knowing things don’t have to be perfect to feel good right now. With a new understanding of what is happening in your brain 24/7, you will be able to come out of this fog and never allow it to control your attitudes and moods again.
The Modern Marvels We Take for Granted
Our tendency to dismiss or take for granted our modern-day advancements is one such place where we can see how badly our perspective needs a re-adjustment. We complain when it takes an extra twenty seconds to send an e-mail. Twenty seconds to send our thoughts, which may or may not be of any importance to anyone but us, to the other side of the world! When I was growing up, it blew my mind to hear another voice on the other end of my new walkie-talkies that I got for Christmas. What about Facebook’s occasional changes? OMG, everyone starts flipping out as if it will stop the world as we know it, and the “I am leaving Facebook forever” chant begins. This program allows us to find, in mere minutes, a second grade crush! And for free! Our storming off is pretty much irrelevant to Facebook, yet our overinflated perception of our own influence is staggering!
How about an iPad? I admit I have gotten annoyed when it takes too long to get on YouTube. I’ve gotten indignant at how it is interrupting my workout on the stationary bike because I have no use for the twelve TV channels that the gym offers. It is all because I want what I want when I want it. And what I want is to be watching lectures from UCLA while I exercise!
When you take a moment to think about how you have reacted over these stupid little interruptions, you have to either laugh or feel kind a dumb. Your choice.
Starting today, make sure a positive experience or modern marvel is never wasted again. Right now, look around and notice five things that are there for you in any way. These are your good facts. They may be from the past, present, or future. They could be people, surroundings, or technology. Perhaps one thing is your cell phone that lets you see the other person’s face while you talk to them. Bluetooth technology that allows you to answer your phone through your car speakers. Your computer—do I even need to say anything about that? What about a GPS that can keep you from getting lost even if you are 3,000 miles from home?
Then there is all the various social media and how it keeps you in touch with everyone and everything that matters to you —and on a screen that fits into your pocket! There are also all of the things you are able to accomplish each day because of technology. Things you do with ease that make your day run smoothly or allow you to make a living.
I never stop being amazed that I can ask any question on the Internet that I think of and can get multiple answers, in less than a second! I remember my days at the town library and how lucky I was if they had the book I was looking for; usually I was told they had to rent it from some other library six towns away. Now I can find the answer to things I would never dare even ask in public!
Why Are You Here?
The importance of having a purpose in life can’t be overstated, and for good reason. Like I said, scientific studies have proven time and time again that the happiest people in the world are those who feel they have a purpose. We need to matter. In your journey through Wired To Worry you will learn ways to discover and uncover your purpose. That purpose can involve the world, your town, your family, or any organization where you feel needed or counted on. When that wanes, even in the course of a day, it can leave you experiencing low-grade misery. To the degree that you feel you make a difference, you will feel good. Purpose is why humans are drawn to join clubs, groups, fraternities, sororities, and other organizations.
In the course of your day, the short-term purposes may be obvious; your lifelong purpose, however, can be more obscure. Yet, when you know what yours is, it will be the reason you spring out of bed in the morning.
Many people have no idea what their purpose is, and tons of seminars are given every year to help them find it. Not knowing one’s purpose can trigger a midlife crisis and can be the reason for taking trips to go find oneself. We all seem to have this innate need to know that there is a reason—and a damn good one—for being on this earth. Often this issue raises its head only long after college, as in college goals have more to do with career choice and making money; much less consideration is given to the importance of making a difference. You will learn the daily steps you can take to maintain your sense of purpose and the steps you can take to discover your life long purpose.
You will learn not to psychoanalyze these passing moods, looking for some big, hidden issue. Most days it is just a chemical that you need to fire up. Evolution has proven over time that humans survive only by helping each other, so a strong drive evolved within us that leads us to try to make things better, support, collaborate, and make a difference for an optimum life. You will learn where those opportunities are hiding so you can maintain your sense of purpose in the course of a day.