Chapter 8
How To Be the Hit of the Party
Social settings are notoriously hard for many people, and once again we have evolution to thank for that. It’s why we invented alcohol.
Thousands of years ago, meeting new people could mean extreme danger. A new tribe showing up out of nowhere could mean a battle to the death. Very seldom did a new group of people show up just to say, “Hey, Wus Up?”
Now here you are thousands of years later, supposedly much more evolved, and yet the moment you walk into a room, that damn amygdala starts scanning for enemies of all kinds. Remember, you are programmed to survive; now, however, instead of your brain looking for people with clubs, it scans for people who might be judging you, giving you a wrong look, or saying something off-color. In this survival mode, you will compare yourself to them, looking for reasons to feel insecure or embarrassed. The smallest infraction will set off major alarm bells! “Boy, they seemed cold. Why do I always have to say hi first? Why are they staring at me?” Is it any wonder we go running for the bar?
Through the exercises in my book you will learn to retrain your brain to walk into a room and, at first glance, note everything and everyone in the room for you, not against you. Which will completely alter your persona.
The highest compliment I have ever heard about another person is this: “When you talk to them you feel like you are the only one in the room.” People will always be drawn to that kind of person, as they are a rare find. So you must understand that people won’t like you because you are interesting, but rather interested…in them. This is a challenging one because the minute we walk into a social setting we are going to start chasing serotonin to feel more confident, and that often means bragging in one form or another. But once you understand the dynamics as to how this works in the brain, you will learn how to circumvent these behaviors so you are a joy to be around and not a drag. You will also learn tricks to boost serotonin in others as well, making you a very sought after guest.
Learning to be very comfortable in social settings takes practice, but it is a skill that can lead to job offers and networking opportunities that can change your life, so the practice is well worth the effort.
Try this test today: Notice when you enter a public setting if in the background of your mind you sense a quiet assumption that people are judging you, even at the supermarket. Almost everyone does this. It is why we walk into a store and avoid most eye contact—and is why they, too, assume that we don’t want anything to do with them. Our way of protecting ourselves is to either ignore the faces in front of us or begin to judge them back.
When you start to see just how often you avoid eye contact with strangers, you will spot these underlying tendencies. I am still taken back when I am in a store and I hear a kind voice from a stranger or get a kind look. It is there that I instantly feel my defenses come down and am aware of my own negativity churning away in the background. In public gatherings of any kind, your subconscious will be hitting the warning bell continuously—the wrong glance from a friend or foe or even someone whispering into an ear thirty feet away will set your amygdala at the “ready” position. You have to pay attention to what is traveling at light-speed through your mind—otherwise, trust me, your mood will fluctuate ten times in a minute.
When you learn to take control of the negative background static and go on the offensive to be kind and nice, you will notice your own fears and insecurity dissolve, as well as those of the people around you. This is the psychology behind banks and some stores that have people waiting to greet you at the door.
Let me mention here that being socially accepted is a much higher priority for women, because it is more hardwired into women’s brains than into those of men for the reasons I covered earlier. When you change your own comfort capabilities in social settings, you change how you see the whole world, as well as how they see you and that is where everything changes.
You may notice that at any place where you have to wait to be served, you may tend to see the others as obstacles because typically you have to wait for them to get done before you can be taken care of. Initially, we walk into a store and see how much time this will cost us before we even think about a price. On the opposite side, I have actually noticed slight feelings of guilt when I am in line somewhere and another has to wait for me, like at the post office. (But that could just be my Catholic school guilt; let me know if that happens to you.)
It only takes about a week to become aware of all the defensive chatter going on in the back of your mind. Then you will put into practice a host of strategies and techniques to break these thought patterns so you become a draw—not a drain. Your entire energy field will change for the better and you will know this because complete strangers will begin greeting you with a smile. We are very perceptive creatures and pick up on each other's energy faster than you will ever be consciously aware of. As that begins to happen you will gain a new level of confidence in any social setting.