Chapter 3
Stop Following the Crowd
To begin gaining control over our negative bias and redirect it toward the positive, we must understand first that we humans like to make sense of our behavior, and sometimes at any cost. So, for thousands of years, we have dreamed up some good reasons behind our overwhelming obsession to worry and stress out. These so-called good reasons can stand in our way until we see them for the illusions they are. In Wired to Worry you will come to understand the three most powerful obstacles to overcome in developing this new mind set. Having a detailed understanding of them will unlock the door to overcoming your own bad habits, not to mention moods. They are:
Human habits and beliefs
Psychological obstacles
Physiological barriers
Myth One: I would be happy if …
Most people believe that our environment and events control our moods. Our culture teaches us that we need a reason to be happy. That little uptight, responsible voice in our heads says, “What right do you have to feel happy if your life is so hard?” Or “You can be happy when you —get a promotion, lose weight, get married/or become single, or have more money.” Waiting until we have a reason to be happy is like chasing the proverbial carrot at the end of the stick or waiting for tomorrow, which never actually arrives. This is not just a faulty belief system, but one of the most wasteful lifestyles one can lead. Wasting days, weeks, and years for everything in your life to be just the way you want it so you can finally sit back and say “Ahh I can relax now.” Here is a cornerstone truth: Your brain does not need a reason to be happy; it only needs your mind’s permission to do so!
Myth Two: Money
Many of us believe money would solve most of our problems. We all have the dream of hitting the lottery and having our money problems disappear, assuming that will make us happier. However, a very well known study was done to find out how true that was for people. What they found was that those who won the lottery described themselves as being “less happy or as happy” six months later than they were before they won. They then researched people who were left paralyzed after an accident. Many of those people were actually as happy if not happier than they had been the day before their accident. How could that possibly be? Because our situations do not determine our happiness. Your amygdala will look for problems regardless of how much money you have. Lottery winners are still obsessed over every problem, real or feared. You will learn to internalize this scientific truth so you will see your whole world differently. No longer trusting the images coming from your virtual reality, but rather testing them against what you know to be facts.
Psychological Obstacles (Misery Loves Company)
As we will dig deeper into human behaviors, you will see how being calm might be perceived as not caring, leaving you feeling disconnected. The reason is rooted once again in our brain chemicals and something called mirror neurons. When your boss is yelling at you from across his desk and wants to see you tremble, sitting there too calmly could backfire. There is a stigma with being too chill. If people are freaking out, they expect you to jump on that emotional roller coaster and ride it with them. It validates their outburst and gives them comfort that they are not alone with the problem. Mirror neurons are behind our love of watching movies or TV shows and reading a juicy novel. It is why we can get lost in them as the same emotions well up in us, along with the corresponding neurochemicals: dopamine, serotonin, and even oxytocin. This is also the enjoyment behind watching sports. Our brains are firing as if we were running down the field, all the while triggering our dopamine. If there is painful contact with one of the players, everyone says, “Ohhh,” as if we somehow feel it.
Once you see this obstacle all around you, I will then teach you how to stop its influence in your life so you are not sucked into the drama of those around you.
Physiological Barriers— Threats Trump Happiness
For the past ten thousand years, the threat of danger had more impact on our survival than good experiences; therefore, our amygdala was primed to label most experiences as dangerous and has continued to do so right up until present day. We were built to last, not for lasting happiness, which is why we learn faster from pain than from pleasure. Each time something happens that we don’t like, cortisol magnifies the feeling, embedding it into our memory as a threat of some kind.
For example, your boss gives you a stellar review, but at the very end, he says, “The only thing I would like to see improved is_______.” Yet after your meeting, all your brain focuses on is the one thing he wants you to improve.
We all tend to do this, regardless of the feedback or the source of it. The brain digs out the negative comment; sometimes it may even dig through a positive one and think, “Hmm, but what was he really trying to say?” We tell ourselves that we do this because we just want to improve but that is contrived crap! The real reason we do it is that the brain interprets any slightly negative feedback from another person as us being at risk for getting “kicked out of the tribe.”
You are going to learn how to disrupt this pattern of thinking so instead you feel absolutely wonderful over kind words, compliments, and even a review from your boss.
These behaviors have been around for thousands of years; you can’t blame yourself for reacting this way. Having a simple disagreement even with someone you love can switch the amygdala to the fight-or-flight position. You enter into a discussion in which you expect the person to agree with you. Then when the person doesn’t, cortisol releases, causing an immediate shutting down of reasonable thinking and processing. Cortisol interrupts the prefrontal cortex as it tells your brain, “Your life is in danger; this is no time to be thinking!” So you raise your voice, yell, and take on aggressive body posture. Your whole body is reacting as if the other person is a threat to your life. That is a pretty crappy way to feel around your spouse or best friend. This is why arguments rarely prove fruitful and is why discussing topics such as religion and politics is so dangerous. No one wants to hear what you think unless you agree with them. Once you understand the underpinning of your behavior and that of those around you, office meetings, discussions with your loved ones, and even negotiations will be smoother as you will almost be able to see what is triggering the other person’s behaviors and emotions.