Chapter 4 – Building Trust and Respect Within Our Relationships
How do we evolve? Usually, when the Universe creates a situation for us, we have to make some kind of decision. That decision leads us in a chosen direction on the path of our journey through life. How do we know that we made the right decision?
Relationships are the best indicator of “right” and “wrong” choices. Relationships let you know whether someone approves of your behavior or disapproves of your behavior. Who is right versus who is wrong is usually the cause of a fight, but if we could learn how to communicate our feelings to our loved ones better with the intention of avoiding conflict, how much easier would our lives be? If we were able to go to work in peace and come home in peace and everywhere else in between in peace, wouldn’t that be blissful?
Let’s imagine a situation where a co-worker that you trained, gets “the” big promotion. In this case, there are three things you can do. You can be really angry and create a ruckus in the office taking a chance that your tantrum will change things (in a positive way) for you. Or, you can give in to the situation and forget about it and quietly back off and wait for your next opportunity. Or, choice number 3, you can quit your ungrateful job because working for people who are not out for your best interest leaves a bad taste in your mouth and no salary in the world is worth that feeling. You decide; it’s your life. Don’t worry about what other people do. You do what feels right for you. I personally would choose option number 3. That’s just me. I cannot stand the feeling of being liable to someone because they pay me. It makes me feel like a slave.
Here is my point; no matter what decision you make, if it makes you and everyone else around you happier or a better person in any way, you have made the right one. If you decide to throw a tantrum after you find out that you did not get the promotion and it works and they give it to you because they realized that they just forgot what a good employee you have been all these years and they needed you to remind them, then great, you made the right decision.
But, if you decide to keep your mouth shut and wait for your next opportunity and it doesn’t come quick enough, you may be quietly building up resentment inside you and ultimately wind up taking the first option anyway. These are the choices that we all have to make and based on the results, we know whether or not we made the right choice.
Food For Thought
Sometimes we try and “give” too much of ourselves or “help” others who seem not to appreciate our assistance. We have to realize that we may be trying to “give” or “help” so that we can get something in return. If our motivation for giving is to get, we may be disappointed by those to whom we “give.”
How many times have you done something for somebody else only to resent the fact that you did it? The reason that you resented doing it is because you did not do it because you wanted to. You only did it to please someone. If that person was not overtly pleased than you have just done something for no reason. So the whole reason that you did it in the first place is on the condition that a positive result, such as appreciation from another person, would occur. When that outcome does not occur, disappointment usually follows. If you are continually disappointed for the same reason, the source of the disappointment will eventually be hard to pinpoint as the thought of “how can you not appreciate all I am doing for you?” is already ingrained in your head. The expectation overrides the deed because the deed wasn’t what you originally wanted, you only desired the positive result.
My current husband, Eyal, taught me this by his inaction. He did not require anything of me other than my love and in exchange for his love I could not require anything of him. It was, and still is, an unspoken understanding. If we do something for each other, it is simply because we love each other, not for any other reason. Eyal taught me that it is not worth it to fight with each other because we think we “need” something other than love from the other. We don’t need anything. We can both take care of ourselves. What we need from each other is a companion that we feel completely comfortable with because we have taken the time and patience to understand each other to the extent that we can truly be free to act how we feel comfortable.
I truly believe that Eyal has given me unconditional love and in return I give it to him. My ex-husband and my kids do not understand this and are having a very hard time with my inability to give more of myself than I am willing to. My ex-husband is definitely not used to me standing up for myself and not obeying his every command. In turn, he implies that my unwillingness to do so is a reflection of my lack of love for my kids. I had to come to terms with my guilt in this area, because after all, motherhood is a very sensitive issue. We are bred to believe that a mother is far more necessary than a father and that we are the ones that provide every source of security for our child. This was, and to be honest, still is an area that I am not fully comfortable with.
I love my kids. But my behavior as a mother is not typically “motherly.” My position in the lives of my kids is not what I thought it should be or worse yet, would be. I wanted to be the classic “supermom” that had food on the table when the kids got home from school, breakfast on the table before they left, clean linens on the beds every day and still managed to go to the gym and hold a job down. I just was not good enough for my first husband. He wanted a more “hands on” mother. Melech expected a wife and mother that took his kids to the park and played hide and seek with them. He wanted me to give unconditional respect to his mother despite the fact that she would continuously attempt to usurp my role as a wife and mother when she was in my home. He thought I should be a housewife and mother and desire nothing else. I tried to fit into this role, despite the fact that this was not who I really wanted to be. I thought this is what I had to do. I thought that if I was a good wife and mother, my husband and kids would need me so much they would never be able to be without me. Guess what – they are living without me and they are fine.
Now, because Eyal has taught me that sometimes the right thing to do is nothing, I have changed my behavior. I do not allow my ex-husband and my children to require my service because that is my “obligation” as a mother. If I want to do something for my kids, I do, not because they have been successful in guilting me into it, but because I love them and I want to. My kids are typical kids that don’t always have the proper amount of appreciate and think parents are only here to take care of them. This is the view of parenting that my ex and his mother tried to convince me was valid. I am not convinced, but my kids are.
This has proven to be a very challenging situation. Try explaining to your loved ones that were once receiving your services free of charge for years that they will no longer be receiving them at their whim. They will not understand, initially, that you are in fact making these changes out of love. They will try every trick in the book to make you feel guilty and use those guilty feelings against you.
When you do decide to change your behavior in an effort to be happier, it is almost like the old you has died and has been replaced by the new you. The new you inevitably is going to be a much more spiritual and joyful person because now you are finally fulfilling your potential as a human being. You are no longer using all of your energy to manipulate and extract something you think you “need” from another person. And, you are also no longer allowing others to suck up your energy.
However, the people who knew the you that “died” think they are still dealing with the “dead” you. They don’t know the new you. They don’t understand that you are happier. All they know is that you are not reacting the same way to their behavior as they are used to and this causes frustration over time.
I am in the throws of this right now as my kids and my husband think that I am going to eternally be there to serve them. They don’t understand that I refuse to serve anyone but the Life Force of the Universe. I will selflessly help others as long as I don’t feel I am “serving” them. Once the transition from “help” to “the help” transpires, that is when I politely stop “helping.” Yes, again, I may be paranoid and they may not interpret my help as “service,” however, if I am uncomfortable for whatever reason, unless I can accept and trust the fact that my personal principles are not being violated, it does no one in the situation any good if I “help” someone and it feels to me like I am “the help,” if you know what I mean. This is how resentment builds.
Resentment is a “bad” emotion because it is another form of denial that cannot be easily identified. Resentment is your own guilt that you cannot deal with or may not even recognize, which is transferred in the form of blame on the person who becomes the object of your resentment.
When you do something for someone else that you would rather not do, over time resentment builds. When resentment piles up it has the same result as denied guilt. You get lost in the resentment and don’t even realize that you, all on your own, offered yourself to the person you resent in some way that you were not comfortable with.
Whether it be that you didn’t get compensated as much as you thought you should or that you needed a favor in return from that person and they were not forthcoming with help, it is your obligation to understand that when you do something for somebody, there should be no strings attached or all the “good” that should come out of it will be turned into “bad” through resentment, blame and guilt.
You cannot expect reciprocation for your good deeds. If you do expect some sort of reciprocation, you are not giving of yourself from your heart. Your good deed comes from the wrong intention. Once you start acting with the right intention, you will soon realize that reciprocation doesn’t even come into your thought process. If your deed is reciprocated by another “good” soul and you weren’t expecting anything in return, the appreciation you will show will be intensified, thereby encouraging the doer to continue on in their “good” deeds.
This is the cycle that everyone needs to understand. Do something truly nice for someone else, and people will do nice things for you. It’s simple and straightforward. It goes the other way as well. Don’t do unto others as you would not like done unto you. We have heard all of this before and we have heard it often. Take this to heart. This is the best advice anyone can give if you need a starting place. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Bottom Line – DO NOT EVER compromise your principles, beliefs or comfort for anyone if you are going to end up resenting it!
Relationships With Our Children
I believe relationships with our children are the most important relationships we have. But, my reasons are not typical. Our children are our future, but not because they are “our” children. Our children are not mini me’s. We have to teach our children in the way of the Universe, not our own ways. Over the years, I have established a cardinal rule between me and my teenage daughters. I understand that I am not going to be there forever to make their decisions for them, but I can teach them how to make a decision and let them loose to learn the rest on their own. I also insist that my kids extend that same respect to me. They are not my bosses and I do not have to listen to them. I do not owe them anything. They were meant to be born with a list of their own problems that they have to learn to take care of effectively. I will definitely provide them frequently with well intentioned energy that I will teach them how to use optimally. In fact, because I love my children more than anyone else, I will provide them with unlimited and unconditional love (energy) that they can do with whatever they want. Hopefully, with the help of the Life Force of the Universe, they will learn how to use that energy effectively.
Our kids want and need to live their lives through their own eyes. We need to let them be free to make decisions the same way we do. We can’t be there for their every move in every situation. Being a responsible parent does not mean that we have to give our kids everything we didn’t have and make sure they have more “opportunities” in life than we did. We don’t need them to be smarter than us or better looking than us. They do not need to be more successful than us. We don’t need them to agree with us or act like us. We don’t need them to be cute or funny. And, we especially don’t need anybody to “approve” of them so that we can feel accomplished as parents.
We need them to be assets to the survival of the Universe and not just because it sounds nice but because it will enhance the quality of their lives. We have been focusing on quantity up until now, and hopefully, we can soon experience the days that the quality of life is our motivation. But why can’t our children? There are many negative circumstances that I see in our schools and on television shows, and problems other children bring from their homes into our children’s lives that have to be addressed and corrected immediately. We have to be there to address these concerns in a way that can be understood on a bigger scale, not simply in terms of “right” and “wrong.” We cannot leave this responsibility to our leaders. Our leaders don’t even know our children and they certainly, no matter how well intentioned they are, don’t love them as much we do.
This does not mean that you should encourage your child to go ahead and explore a homosexual experience before they can decide whether they want it or not. It means, age appropriately (age is discretionary of course) discuss the positives and the negatives involved with being gay. You have no choice but to discuss this according to your own perspective, but explain your ideas to your children. Make sure they understand that this is only your perspective of this controversial topic, and others may have a different perspective. But first and foremost, always remind them that everyone’s perspective is sacred, if only to the person who holds it.
I would love to be able to write to my president and suggest that we spend as much time making sure our kids are taught values and honesty as we do teaching them that to be a “successful” person, they have to be “educated.” Educated to do what exactly? I will leave that for you to answer.
In fact, I honestly believe that by teaching our children about unconditional love first, we can give our children a foundation of security that will ultimately discourage a child from doing things that could destroy a future that they see hope in. The alternative has clearly not worked. Throwing a kid into a rehabilitation institution instead of teaching them about unconditional love has not been effective. Am I not making sense? It just seems so elementary. Why (and how) have we allowed ourselves to believe in something else (an energy source other than love) for so long? Why are we not stopping the problem before it happens when it comes to our children’s souls? Why do we create the problem and then complain about it and do nothing to solve it? The fact that our kids are currently being exposed and having direct access to situations and experiences that I have yet to experience should be a wake up call. The Life Force of the Universe is trying to wake us all up with another big slap! And, if I am correct, it will keep slapping us until we get it. The message I am receiving is that my kids are being attacked and I must save them from their enemy called brainwashing.
You do not conquer brainwashing by feeding into the illusion. The only way to conquer brainwashing is by somehow assuring the person (or child in this case) that they are never obligated to believe what others tell them if they are not comfortable with the implications.
For example, when a television ad claims that their product is superior to all other competing products, it is 50% cheaper and there is a full refund if you are not fully satisfied with the product, you have the responsibility of teaching your child that although the product sounds great, they have to look at the fine print that says that they have to pay shipping and handling that is almost as much as the product itself. You must also inform them that this shipping and handling cost will not be refunded if they are not satisfied with their purchase. So the decision is theirs, but you must warn them not to be surprised if they aren’t as satisfied with the product as they think they might be.
I want to take every opportunity to teach my kids to sniff out fishy signs when trying to detect the truth. The first one I would teach them is; if the information is not true, you will definitely lose something and be disappointed or unhappy in some way. What do you lose if the information you are receiving is not true? In the above case it would be the cost of shipping and handling. Now let’s take it somewhere else. When your kid comes to you and wants you to buy them something because all of the other kids have it, go ahead and buy it for your kid or don’t, that is your choice. However, whatever you choose to do, please explain to them that their happiness does not have anything to do with what someone else has. Try to explain to them that they will never be completely satisfied if they want what everyone else has, because everyone will always have something else that they want. This does not have to be one time and one time only. Remind them every chance you get, just like a parent reminds their child about their homework. Yes, you will annoy your kids, but they will get your message eventually. It will be embedded in them by the time they are your age. What better gift could you give your child other than their own mind? I can’t think of one!
Most importantly, and this is very important, you must be a role model for your child. If you do not behave in the way that you are teaching your child to behave, you are having no impact on them whatsoever. Your actions may even be working against you, and, ultimately your children. This is why we must work on ourselves before we can work on any other areas.
A clever person would realize at this point that because we are not able to be effective unless we are conscious, and it takes a lot of work to comprehend clearly whether or not we are completely conscious at this stage in our evolution, we can only do one thing. Rely on the Life Force of the Universe to help us. We have no choice but to invest all of our trust and faith into the Universe so our children, who are our future, have all they need to make this world a better place.
Another thing most of us do which I really don’t understand is lie to our kids about things we think we have to lie about for their protection or things we believe they won’t find out about. Then we tell them not to lie. Huh?! What happens when your kid catches you in one of your lies? Take it from me, you just lost a lot of brownie points in the respect department. Don’t ever forget who you are to your kids. You are the same thing your parents were to you; an example of how adults are supposed to act. Beware if you disappoint them. Da Da Da Daaaaaaaaa.
That’s why it pays, in my opinion, to be straight up with them or don’t discuss the topic until you are more comfortable with telling your kids the truth. But - don’t lie! If your kids ask you if you ever drank alcohol and got drunk and you say “never!” and one night, after a few too many, you come home tipsy and your kid just happens to be up to witness the whole scene, you will have some explaining to do. When my kids ask me questions like this, I try to speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but explain to them that I am an adult and I have had twenty plus years to learn how to make decisions about my behavior and what I am comfortable with. In order to avoid wrong decisions that may lead to regret, experience is necessary. The more you experience, the more you learn and thereby prepare yourself for your next experience. That is why an adult can freely do more than a child.
This goes the same for trust. Trust your children and your children will more likely be able to tell you things that you need to know. My oldest daughter is 15 years old and she has a lot more freedom than her friends. So far, I have not heard or seen any reason not to trust her and I can tell that it makes her feel good that I trust her instincts. As a result, Kayla is always proud to tell me about how she takes the high road as opposed to giving in to peer pressure when she is faced with a situation.
Another thing that drives me crazy that we instill in our kids is the concept of “fair” and “not fair.” If you don’t share with your sister, your sister doesn’t have to share with you. We have all said things like this to our children. We are literally, although we are unaware that we are doing it, teaching our children not to share. Sharing is not fair. The definition of sharing is using or enjoying something with others; this has nothing to do with fair.
I try to explain to my kids that it doesn’t matter who gave who what first and what is fair. If your sister needs to borrow something from you, let her, and keep letting her. One day she will come around and give back to you and now you both have discovered a way to double your wardrobe!
At this point, my daughters and I have a different relationship than the average mother and daughter. We don’t live together and we see each other about once a week. I try to keep our communication honest and open by listening to them and attempting to hear what they really want from me. Sometimes they get frustrated and they don’t understand what they want either so they can’t tell me. Sometimes, in fact, most of the time, they just want me to go away because I talk too much, but no matter what, because I love them unconditionally, I try to maintain patience and love in order to teach them how to feel their emotions without getting overwhelmed by them. I also make sure that there is no confusion as to my position in their lives. I think they are confident that I love them and that through thick and thin I will be there for them. I assure them that they can tell me anything and I give them space to make decisions. I explain the concept of consequences to them on a daily basis. My oldest is 15 and my youngest is 12 and I’m pretty sure they know that if they ever have a problem with sex, drugs or anything else, they can come to me. What is most important is understanding them. If I can understand them, I can help them. If I don’t understand them, I am of no use to them. We are still working things out, and I’m sure it will take a lifetime, but at least I have learned what I need to do to be a more effective parent to my children. As you can see, the definition of an effective parent varies from person to person.
Food for Thought:
Respect for ourselves is just as important as having respect for others. In fact, we cannot have respect for others without having respect for ourselves first.
I try, and try is the key word here, to maintain a high amount of respect for all human beings on this planet. We all deserve respect. In my opinion, not demanding respect is like killing yourself. That absolutely does not mean that I think everyone reading this book should automatically rebel against being “disrespected.” What I am saying is that we first have to know ourselves. Some people do not mind being “disrespected” and do not take it personally which is the ideal way to be if you truly don’t take things to heart. In fact, the definition of respect varies quite a bit amongst us. My definition of respect is probably a lot more inclusive than most people’s, but there are some who expect way more respect than what my definition offers. For instance, if someone doesn’t open the car door for me, I’m going to be okay.
My definition of respect is simple. First, you must simply accept others. Acceptance means that you allow everyone to live the way in which they are comfortable and you do not conflict with anyone’s personal space or rights. Once you have accepted a person, eventually you can form an appreciation of their essence. If, for any reason you have not accepted that person and their behaviors for what they are, and instead you feel threatened, frightened, unloving, hateful, disgusted or any other negative emotion, you will never fully be grateful for them. You have to try to accept people, so you can appreciate them from the inside. It is to your benefit to understand what makes another person “tick.” You will find that you can like people that you never knew that you could. You may not be able to be best friends with them, but you can enjoy them. Once you develop a fondness for someone, respect naturally follows.
Respect is a natural reaction to a person that you like and are comfortable with. If I feel that someone doesn’t respect me, it would mean to me that they don’t like something about me and they are having a negative reaction to some of my behaviors. If this is the case and disrespect is the outcome, the first thing I will do, if it is a friend of mine, is explain to them that I feel disrespected and ask them why they are treating me that way. If it is something that I am unaware of, I have just had an “enlightening” experience. If my friend is simply being unconsciously disrespectful, then I, by bringing it up, am helping my friend become more conscious. If it is a real friend of mine, this alone will fix the situation. But, if the person disrespecting me is not a friend of mine, I don’t feel that sticking around is going to help or heal the situation. For my own personal comfort, I will always choose to leave the situation, not because I do not “respect” the person, but because they do not respect me.
Sometimes, we are too proud to ask for respect and deny that we feel disrespected because we are actually humiliated by the feeling. In my opinion, this is the worst thing you can do. Being out of touch with your own feelings will eventually leave you lost and unable to make good decisions. You must, and I mean must, analyze your feelings and why you feel the way you do. If you want to evolve, you must wake up and understand yourself. You must realize what brings you success, what makes you unhappy, what causes excitement, what inspires you to sing, what makes you dance, what influences your work, what makes you sleep, what produces laughter and on and on. If you can’t identify what makes you tick, it will be impossible to understand anyone around you.
If you don’t know why you feel angry at someone, you just keep quiet because you are unsure of yourself. By keeping quiet, you have accomplished nothing but holding unnecessary “bad” feelings inside and not making room for more positive emotions. You do not have room inside of you for both “bad” and “good” feelings. You must choose between these feelings. You can change your mind later, but first you must realize you need to empty your undesired, negative emotions before exchanging them with positive feelings.
You must understand something very important. You are you. No one else is you and no one on this planet is the same as you. For two people to be exactly the same, they would have to look like you from birth, had the same parents, family & friends, bosses and coworkers, watch the same television shows, marry the same person and have the same kids and so on. No one thinks or acts like you, because you are a unique manifestation of the Life Force of the Universe. Thinking for a second that you must conform to the behavior of those around you is the biggest mistake that you could possibly make.
Conforming to others takes away from our own self. Of course, in certain situations a conscious decision to conform is necessary so that you do not disturb or invade the space of others. But conforming because you are afraid to say what you really think, even though you feel you have a right to speak your piece, is deadly not only to you, but to those who agree with you and are also too insecure to speak out. When you conform to someone else unwillingly, even if it is a subconscious action, you lose the opportunity to a) get to know yourself better; b) know the people around you a little better; c) evolve into a better human being; and d) rid yourself of “bad” feelings and replace them with “good” feelings.
Feeling Inferior in the Presence of Wealth
Let’s discuss an example that most of us are guilty of; conforming to those who we feel are more respectable than ourselves because they are wealthy. Do you have rich friends and/or relatives that own beautiful homes and employ live-in help, so everything appears perfect when you come in? Are looks and brand names of great importance to some of your family and/or friends? Does making a “bad” impression in front of your wealthy hosts frighten you? Are you worried about how to dress, talk and walk when you walk into any of these homes?
My husband has a huge family and a lot of them are quite wealthy. He is not very close with any of his family, but he still gets invited to many social functions. In the past, when attending my husband’s wealthy relative’s home, I would simply stay quiet and do what they asked me to so that I would fit in as well as I could, without sticking out like a sore thumb dressed in an outfit that I bought off the clearance rack in Marshalls. However, I soon realized that no matter how much I tried to stay out of everybody’s line of view, someone would inevitably find me and ask me to do something, as if I were the help.
After a few years of this, I began building much resentment toward my husband’s family. I started feeling like I might even be viewed as annoying to some of his aunts, even though I was their nephew’s wife. For years, Eyal tried to explain to me that I was the one allowing them to make me feel inferior and he wanted his wife to be above that. This would inevitably cause fights because I wante