I don’t have to tell you that religion is a very touchy subject. I come from a traditional Jewish family, however, my father converted from Jehovah’s Witness to Judaism. His prior beliefs always added a little color to my impression of religion, but Judaism has spiritually impacted me most deeply.
I went to Israel after high school for a year and a lot of the friends that I made were from Brooklyn. I had a boyfriend in Israel that I became obsessed with and soon followed him back to New York. Needless to say, I broke up with him long ago, but I never left Brooklyn.
In the last 19 years, I have learned so much about my religion - much more than the 12 years I spent studying about Judaism in Yeshiva. I found out a few things that strengthened my connection with Judaism, as well as a few things that shattered my pristine image of Judaism. Later I will discuss all the strong, innately wonderful aspects of Judaism because I truly believe all religions are based on the same vital principals as Judaism, they are just practiced differently.
The problem with any organized religion is that the dogmatic beliefs espoused by its leaders sometimes seem to contradict each other. For example, all religions allude to the fact that G-d is merciful. But what kind of mercy is it to create us with our desires and then punish us for having them? These two pieces of information that the three main religions all agree on are contradictory. Am I to believe that I am more merciful than G-d himself because I would never give something to someone and then a day later yell at them for having it? If I am more merciful than G-d, and mercy is what I need, why would I choose to worship a G-d that can’t provide what I need (mercy) because I already have more of it then He does? This same G-d also claims to have given us a gift – free will. I don’t even have a right, according to dogmatic religious beliefs to use my free will and choose not to believe in this G-d. This is what leads to confusion and could ultimately lead to making poor, self-destructive decisions. When I think about all of this and try to come up with an answer as to why I should remain religious or orthodox (as I would have described myself), I have a very hard time coming up with that answer. The answer has to make sense and in my head, this doesn’t.
For some reason, religious (or orthodox) Jews generally identify religion specifically with rituals that they adhere to strictly and insist that the entire religion rely on these rituals for its existence. Despite this fact, Judaism has such incredible sources and testaments that really explain the real root of this religion. At the same time, religious Jews will also tell you that you must have the utmost faith in Hashem (G-d). If I am to have faith in something I cannot see, hear or understand with any of my physical senses, how does telling me that I have to do something in order to protect the religion from collapse, lead me to faith in an unseen G-d? Shouldn’t that mysterious G-d that I keep being told that I should have faith in help out with keeping his religion alive? If He can’t do it, how can I? So now, not only do I have to have faith in an invisible G-d who shows less mercy to people than I do, but the religion that I choose to show my faith through insists that my faith doesn’t even matter unless I perpetuate the religion through my deeds. If the religion itself is necessary to show us the nature of our G-d and how to live peacefully in this world, why are there peaceful people who are not identified with any single religion? Why are there ethically immoral people who claim to be our “religious” leaders? My answer to this question is a lengthy one, but one that may change your perspective about religion.
During the last few years of my life, I have done a lot of soul searching. I, like mostly everyone else, need to feel a sense of purpose. Religious lifestyles offer that sense of purpose to their followers by teaching them that something called “G-d” will always be there for you in times of trouble as long as you have faith in this “G-d.” The problem is that religious rhetoric does not offer an all inclusive definition of G-d, and leaves its followers hanging as to what kind of G-d they are worshipping. To some its sounds like the kind of G-d that they are being asked to worship is very fickle and really doesn’t care about them very much. It sounds like a human version of a god; one that intimidates, oppresses, terrorizes and prosecutes. Unless, of course, you do exactly what he says you have to do and then, maybe, you will be rewarded with a “good” life.
Think about this for at least a few moments. What do we consider a “good” life? Two new cars, a beautiful house with gorgeous furnishings, great clothes and dinner and a movie once a week, right? Wrong. We know from our experiences that this is not a true definition of what a “good” life is because many people in the world have this and their lives are not necessarily “good.” We have no idea what a “good” life is. Is your life “good”? Would everyone consider your life “good” from all angles at all times? If there is “bad” in your life, does that mean you are a “bad” person? Does the Bible delineate what a “good” life is? I believe it does, but we have chosen to ignore the message and let the rhetoric define it for us. At this point in time, do you think it is possible to recreate a new definition for what a “good” life is or should be? I think that not only is it possible, but we better start defining it fast because the old view of what a “good” life is just doesn’t cut it anymore.
Let’s begin by trying to chisel out some sort of broad definition of what a “good” life may be. First of all, let’s talk about what emotions come up through our experiences. We may feel excited, happy, proud, silly, empathetic, sympathetic, merciful, forgiving and thankful, amongst other types of “good” emotions. We may also feel a few “bad” emotions, such as sadness, anger, jealousy, denial, guilt, depression and fear. In my opinion, using our emotions to define whether something is “good” or “bad” is an acceptable decision making method. As we can see, emotions, once we analyze them, can pretty easily be divided into “good” and “bad” categories.
Secondly, once we can agree that we would like to maintain only good emotions, we can now figure out what actions to take to ensure that only good emotions will be brought forward by all parties involved. Actions are what we do here in our physical world to cause any sort of movement towards the spiritual path or towards the physical path. Here is where we make our choice using our gift of free will. If our actions match our desire for good emotions, we will always use our free will correctly. A good example of this would be as follows:
Imagine that you live with a roommate that is extremely messy and you are very organized and neat. In every other situation you and your roommate get along famously. However, everyday is an emotional battlefield because you live with this person and you are not happy with your living conditions. You don’t want to be mean or insensitive, but unless a peaceful solution is found, you know there is going to be trouble. You have tried to talk to your roommate, but you can see that keeping their stuff neat for you is impossible. What do you do? Here is what I would do. I would immediately recognize that the emotions that I am having are uncomfortable, therefore undesirable. Undesirable=bad. I would like to perpetrate only good emotions, or, ones that I am comfortable with. I am not content with creating an uncomfortable environment for my roommate by being angry and upset all the time, because we live together. If my roommate is unhappy, I can rest assured that it won’t take long for them to turn the tables on me and make me uncomfortable. The way I see it, I have four choices:
Clean up after my roommate, even though it is not my mess.
Don’t clean up after their mess, and try to ignore it, after all, it isn’t my mess.
Get a maid to clean the entire apartment and split the cost with your roommate.
Move out to avoid the emotional backlash.
Any one of these choices would be fine, depending on the emotional outcome. After spending time contemplating which choice would make you and your roommate the happiest (a good emotion), make a decision and act on it. By consciously making a well thought out decision, you nearly eliminate the possibility of unexpected negative backlash. You can more easily identify positive and negative emotions and adjust accordingly, which, in most cases, will bring forth positive results. This is a simple example of how to make a wise decision that will safely limit negative results.
Some of the hardest decisions to make are the ones when “bad” or negative emotions that you are feeling cannot be conclusively identified. You are not sure why you have feelings of insecurity regarding religion. You are not confident that you have made all the right decisions when it comes to the ones you love the most, your children. You are unsure if you truly love your husband.
Think about what you are scared of and what you feel guilty about. Guilt comes from two places. Sometimes guilt comes from unwarranted blame, which comes from the guilt of others being transferred to a potential victim that they can successfully blame. Another form of guilt is actual guilt because you honestly did something that you feel is wrong and are afraid of future consequences. I have to add one more form of guilt but I can not say there are three forms because this form of guilt is hidden from the one(s) who should be feeling it, so essentially we don’t really know it is there. This is the denial of guilt. Those who experience denial of guilt are some of the most tortured souls. They are so afraid of the consequences of their deeds that they literally justify everything they do. When something “bad” happens to these tortured souls, they interpret it as a cruel and unusual punishment, seeing themselves as victims. Now, this is the scary part. Once we humans are the victims of a crime, most of us forever avenge the perpetrator. In some cases we don’t know who the perpetrator is so we assume it is the famous “G-d” that everyone talks about - the king in the sky waiting to punish us until the end. This is when we start to make the choices, whether right or wrong, that will make us or break us.
I speak about these souls as if I can’t identify with them. However, I should let you in on a little secret. I am one of these souls and you are one of these souls. We all play the victim in one form or another, we just don’t know we are doing it. Yes, it is kind of like a mental disease.
I am here to let you know though that it really isn’t that scary and the cure for this disease is within us. The time will come for each and every one of us to find that cure within ourselves. Our species has not been ready, until now, to accept that G-d, or as I like to refer to as the Life Force of the Universe (or in scientific terms - energy), put this plan in motion so that we would have the tools we needed to prepare ourselves to live in a world of peace and harmony. The Universe is a symphony that, for years, has been warming up and practicing for the concert of a lifetime. If we would just stop and take a deep breath, enjoying the ocean or a mountain view, we would be able to actually feel the harmony that life is meant to be.
To cure this mental disease, we need to digest a form of energy that is simply digested for some, but for others, may cause a feeling of being poisoned for a while. In order to recognize the denial of our guilt so that we may deal with it appropriately, we must learn to understand those areas of our lives we perceive as “bad.” We need to sit down and identify all those “bad” things and turn them around. Go through them item by item and pick our brain as to why we believe these things are “bad” and then GET RID OF THEM!
One rule before you begin this process; you must understand and come to terms with the idea that no one and nothing is innately “bad.” We all want the same thing, a peaceful and joyful existence. The energy that I am speaking about is a life giving and sustaining energy. Call it whatever you want to call it, but it’s there and it wants peace on this planet more than all of us put together because peace on this planet is what is necessary to keep the Universe balanced. If you want peace and believe in peace as an option, this energy that you may think is “bad” can easily be turned into “good.” You will be able to understand that the intention of the Universe is good and therefore there can be no bad. You will then understand that anything that you have done in the past that you perceived as “bad” was really just a learning experience. You will at this point be able to take responsibility for anything that you may have done wrong while you were “asleep,” and accept whatever minor consequences there might be (in relation to what it was that you did) and move on.
Faith is necessary here so that you can feel assured that any consequence that you may have to face will be severely lessened once you accept the guilt, rid yourself of it and accept whatever consequence is sentenced. You see, faith is very necessary, because ultimately, our faith is the energy that guides us. If we don’t have faith in everything we do, the lack of faith or the lack of the guiding energy leads us astray. We simply get lost. Picture it as an actual light guiding our path and when we forget that it is there and think we can do without it, it disappears, leaving our path pitch black.
When our path is black and the light is hidden, we are not able to discern which way to go. Since we live in a physical world, most of our wants and presumed needs are physical. We are led to believe that if we are good Jews, good Muslims, good Christians or good Catholics we will be rewarded with some sort of physical pleasure, such as a nice house on the Jones’s block or sex with 70 young virgins. Now, what if you are not given your share in physicality and you think you have tried to do everything right according to the way G-d would want you to? Are you going to feel that G-d doesn’t love you anymore, because your expectations of G-d were not met? Are you going to feel as if G-d did not live up to His/Her part of the deal? The choice of a lifetime is to be made at this point? Do you think G-d is victimizing you – or – do you think there might be a plan that is bigger than you and your so-called needs?
Understanding that being concerned with our “needs” is extremely petty when the Universe has bigger problems at hand is the first step to freeing ourselves from torture. This sounds harsh, but it is not. It is the truth and we all need to realize this immediately. Our “needs” should be limited to necessities such as food, water, clean clothing and shelter. When we can understand what it is that we really need, only then can we start our journey to freedom. We have to perceive that although we may want the latest Gucci Handbag and we may want a new car, we really do not need it. That does not under any circumstance mean that if you have these material possessions you are bad or that you should give them away. Absolutely not! If you are feeling this way this is an example of the first type of guilt I described above - the kind that someone else relieves themselves of and transfers to someone else with blame. Everyone is entitled to their possessions. Possessions are not evil or bad. People are not evil or bad. When people rely on possessions as opposed to the Life Force of the Universe to make them happy, that would be what is called “bad.” By “bad” I mean, without energy or light from the Life Force of the Universe. If you don’t rely on the Universe to provide you with your needs, It will leave it to you. After all, that is what you insist is your reality.
In simple terms, if you are ruled by possessions, then those possessions have the potential to rule over you. If you are ruled by the Life Force of the Universe, then the Life Force of the Universe will rule over you. The difference between the two forces is that one force is not a force at all, it is a black hole that sucks you in deeper and deeper until you eventually lose yourself. The other force is the Life Force and wants you to initiate peace and harmony into the Universe so that the kingdom of the Life Force of the Universe can continue to exist into eternity.
In order to understand that even Hitler had good intentions from the purpose of the soul, we must understand that we are all infected with the same disease Hitler had; only his soul, from one reincarnation to another, apparently, was never able to understand and accept the cure. To Hitler, believing that there was a power greater than his was like tasting a bitter pill. He would waste absolutely no time with the thought that G-d was more powerful than he. His guilt would never be exposed because he denied it. We don’t know why some people become more terrible than others, but there is a reason and it is not because “G-d” wants to punish us. It is because, as I said before, we are rehearsing for the greatest symphony in the history of the Universe. We don’t know what the violins sound like on one side of the room while we are playing the tuba on the other. Once we know realize that we need a conductor to guide us with our cues, we can perform. Up until now, most of us have been trying to make music together without a conductor and it hasn’t worked out very well. Good thing for us that the conductor has been patient and is ready to work with us toward a common goal.
I know that it may seem that I have gone off topic, but my goal is to make you as comfortable with accepting the idea that our view of religion is not as black and white as we want to believe. Repeating the same idea in different ways is necessary so that understanding is fully possible. The subject of religion particularly requires the speaker or the teacher to be sensitive to the concept of G-d, or everything that is being said will be dismissed as blasphemous.
Please digest the concepts that you have already read and try to bring your heart to a place where you will find it comfortable to hear me say that our definition of G-d may be altogether wrong.
Food for Thought
Although most of our religious leaders throughout history had holy intentions, we must understand that the human side spills out of all of us sometimes – no matter who we are – and the consequences of human error cannot be avoided. The Life Force of the Universe will eventually, out of necessity, expose all human error and lead us on the right path.
I want to go over an essential point that needs to be discussed for the benefit of the world that we live in. I experienced a particularly rude awakening after moving to Brooklyn. I realized that just because someone looked a certain way, it did not mean that their actions lived up to their image. Because there is already so much anti-Semitism, as well as general unnecessary racism, I am not going to describe specifically how I was duped by Jewish impersonators, but I am going to say there are impersonators and infiltrators everywhere and in every religion. It is your obligation to be astute enough to recognize who they are.
Some religious leaders have unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) misled us followers with regard to religion. Many have intentionally removed the spirituality from religion so that a system could be implemented to control the masses and maintain power. Other religious leaders understood that we were not ready for the enlightenment that we are ready for now. The religious leaders with good intentions led their followers in the right direction because the ultimate intention was to reach the final solution, and it needed to be done in small steps. Those same leaders from every generation are here now to help us understand the next step. They will obviously not be able to reveal themselves to us for whatever reason because at this point in our development as human beings, we are not collectively ready for this. It is up to you to believe that the information is out there and if you are looking for it, it will find you. These leaders will make sure of it since that was their intention all along. As for the other leaders with self-absorbed intentions, unless during one of their lifetimes they have come to terms with their guilt and are able to move on to their purpose, the denial of guilt over numerous life cycles will eventually drain them of the energy of the Life Force and will lead them into a black hole (symbolic) which will ultimately suck them in. Let me assure you that getting out will be a bitch!
You might say that this knowledge works against you because you really don’t know who to trust. Exactly! You only have one thing you can trust - The Life Force of the Universe. You must believe in a Force greater than yourself and accept that this Force only cares about the Universe as a whole. It does not care about your petty needs. You must be willing to give up the idea of “needing” material things and accept that the only thing you need is faith. Please understand that a “need” or “want” of material positions in and of itself is not the problem. The problem is relying on any human being, as opposed to the Life Force of the Universe, to give you what you think you “need” or “want.” If you do this, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Remember Psalm 146:3 “Do not trust in princes or in mortal man, in whom there is no salvation.”
Accordingly, we can rest assured that as long as we maintain a simple belief in a Force that is larger, more intelligent and way stronger than we are, we can commence our journey into our destiny, which is ultimately free will. Once we realize that there is a greater Life Force working with us, we have to be aware that we are not capable of understanding everything all at once. We need to take small steps down the path of our journey. When you accept that you just don’t know, new information is awarded to you; information that you feel is right. This is how you know that you have maintained faith. Faith does not let you down. If your faith is true, it is true to you.
Only you can decide if your faith is real or not, and, believe me, it is not so easy to tell. One minute you might advise a friend that is having some sort of problem in their life to have faith and everything will be all right and the next minute you’re complaining that the economy is going to collapse unless the government does something.
Faith has to be complete. Faith has to be in everything in all times, not only sometimes. This is the first and foremost work that we need to do. No other type of work is beneficial unless this work is done first. Once you accomplish this work, all other work is enhanced. You are working from a different energy level. The new energy is directly from the source of all energy, the Life Force Itself.
I hope that you understand that I am trying to the best of my uneducated ability to explain these concepts on paper. These are concepts that I have been made aware of through my personal experiences. I can’t really describe what the energy feels like or if it looks like something or really anything at all. All I can explain to you is that the minute that I fully accepted the Life Force of the Universe as the source of all power and I deeply understood that the intention of this Life Force is to manifest peace and love throughout its creation, I was happier. Did my life physically change in any way? Not really, although I did lose a few pounds. The change that you are looking for is not a physical change so I therefore cannot explain it to you. It is a personal spiritual connection that you feel, an intuition that something feels right and therefore, loving. You have to find it for yourself, as I am sure that for each person the experience is different and therefore cannot be explained the same way.
Part of my problem growing up was my confusion about Judaism. Now, so I don’t offend anyone, I would like to state for the record that I believe that to be a Jew true to the essence of our religion, we should, for the benefit of our soul, observe the rituals that accompany the religion. But, before you can have a negative opinion about the Jewish lifestyle, you must witness a Jewish family celebrating Shabbat.
Shabbat lasts 24 hours (Friday night until Saturday night), although the preparation for this day usually starts on Wednesday. Menu planning and grocery shopping has to be done by Thursday morning so that the balebuste (lady of the house) can start cooking and baking for the Holy Day. The meals consist of tons of food, tons of family and friends and tons of singing and laughing. After praying in synagogue all morning on Saturday, the balebus (man of the house) comes home to make Kiddush (a prayer on wine to sanctify the day) for the family. After the meal on Saturday, the family thanks G-d for the food and everyone takes a Shabbat rest.
Every Jewish family that celebrates Shabbat with love proves why we are so attached to our laws. The laws affect our people in a very positive way, if kept with the right intention. Every law in the Jewish religion, if understood from a certain perspective, not only encourages peaceful interpersonal relationships, but enforces them. You can understand that this is true when you witness how beautiful and therapeutic a Shabbat can be for a family and their friends, if it is celebrated from the heart.
I myself struggle with this as my life circumstances are not inviting me to be open to this obligation. Throughout my first marriage, my ex and I observed the Jewish rituals moderately. We would be considered, to those of you who understand the terminology, “modern orthodox.”
To make a long story short, I was pretty fearful that if I didn’t keep to the system, G-d was going to punish me. The problem was that I set myself up for disaster. I wasn’t completely orthodox. I cheated sometimes- here and there. I left the TV on over the Sabbath so my kids could be entertained. Once in a while, I carried an item outside on the Sabbath even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I wore pants, which according to the orthodox Jews, was strictly prohibited. I did a lot of little things wrong as well as a couple of bigger things.
Eventually, I married Eyal who was not orthodox at all. Now I had a choice to make. Judaism was (and still is) very important to me, but this guy that I love and that seems to love me was (and still is) also very important to me. Did G-d want to me to suffer just for the sake of suffering? When I married Eyal, I knew that I was not going to be as involved with Judaism as I was when I was married to Melech. I loved Eyal and I chose Eyal instead of the Jewish rituals. Am I going to be punished for this choice? Many religious Jewish people insist that I will be.
This is where my questions and confusion began, and here is the reason why. When Melech and I were near divorce, I remember distinctly how emotionally I prayed for someone to love me. I remember the pain of not understanding why it felt like I was all alone on this earth and why G-d was not helping me. I prayed that G-d would send me a man who would love me. Eyal came to me soon after and I thought my prayers were answered, but he wasn’t religious. The confusion started setting in. What does G-d want from me? Why did I feel so confused about the legitimacy of my religion? Why would G-d put me in a situation like this, having to choose between a man that I knew was going to be a devoted husband (which is all I wanted) or religious rituals that really didn’t mean anything to me emotionally.
Why are we all so convinced that our religion, if we have one that we follow, is the absolute correct one AND that everything we think we know about it is taught to us from an accurate perspective? More than that, how could we possibly think, if we assume we are thinking sanely, that not only are we absolutely correct about this, but that any other person with any other set of beliefs are doomed to hell for eternity – unless, of course, that person decides to switch his belief system to the “right” one, which is only yours.
Would this hold up in court? It sounds pretty one-sided. I would probably ask for a defense attorney in this case. Since there is no defense attorney to consult when it comes to religion, because no one on this planet could say for sure whether you are innocent or guilty, you can only create your own defense attorney. You can fashion your own set of laws based on concrete goals that you set for yourself while always keeping in mind the main goal we are striving for, what we envision a greater life to be.
Whether that be here on this planet, somewhere far away on a different planet, somewhere in the heavens, or maybe some of you love pain so much, you require hell for yourself, whatever you choose, that is the goal we are all seeking. No matter what religion we come from, we are seeking eternal bliss and happiness, according to how you define these ideas. If you believe you have to attain happiness through your works then determine what you have to do and make sure you do it. In most religions, there are some loosely defined rules that we are instructed to follow to ensure our happiness. I firmly believe, however, that we each have an obligation to study whatever those books are that have set up the boundaries of our respective religions. Or, the other option is to not claim to know what these books say, because what they say is different depending on who is reading them. I’m sure I don’t even have to remind you about how many “ways” there are around the world just to drink a cup of coffee. Is there a right way to drink a cup of coffee? Don’t laugh, although I really do think this is funny, but some people will tell you that there actually is a right way to drink coffee. Knock, Knock – for you there might be. For me, any way will do as long as I don’t throw up or get the runs.
I know that a lot of what I am saying right now may be uncomfortable for some of the more religious or orthodox people who may be reading this book. I realize that this may not sound right to you. It would never have sounded right to me a few years ago either. I love Judaism a