blindingly obvious, I can do this? Then nothing happened, no long-term
behaviors changed, you didn’t stop procrastinating, you didn’t get fit,
you didn’t lose weight and you didn’t leave your dead end job?
What do you think happened there? You knew what you needed to do,
but you didn’t do it.
Well the fact is, you knew what to do at an intellectual and conscious
level, but behaviors come from the unconscious level. Whilst you were
reading that book your unconscious was probably thinking “Yeh
whatever, you do what you want, but don’t count on me going to the
gym because I’m off out for a few beers”
When somebody is laughing, their unconscious mind is a lot more
accessible and messages can slip in unnoticed. That’s why when people
tell me they miss the message because they were laughing too much, I
often think, “Well you may think you missed the message, but that
doesn’t necessarily mean you did”
To recapitulate one and another :
Humor can work miracles during a session.
It is very useful to lighten things up,
It helps the coachee to take their situation and them selves less
seriously,
It’s a great way to help people see things from a different angle.
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The thing with humor, like with all other communication, is that it has
to be used in a functional way. We must always be aware of how, when
and with whom we are using it: we all have our own sense of humor
and we all want to be taken seriously. Coachees do not pay us, nor do
they come to see us to crack jokes together
Source:
http://www.adaringadventure.com/life-coaching/method-to-the-
madness/
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3.31 RESPECT
Coaches believe that it is necessary to build a strong relationship with a
coachee and that the relationship is based on the coachee’s needs. The
process of building the coaching relationship is coachee-focused, with
the coach serving the coachee. In the coachee-centered coaching
engagement, the coachee sets the agenda and direction. Yet, a coachee-
focused approach does not mean “the client is always right.” Basically,
the coach is an equal partner in the coaching process.
The coach shows respect and builds rapport through being open
minded, empathic, accepting coachees as they are, mindfully listening,
reflecting and creating a general sense of trust and safety.
In the end, being coachee-centered means believing that with accurate
inquiries, the coachee can generate his or her own best solutions in an
environment of positive regard.
Some great ways of showing respect to the coachee, are:
1. Asking permission: Ask them if they are interested BEFORE
you dive in and offer your advice. In your own words, try
saying something like: “I’ve got some experience with that.
Would you like me to share some insights I’ve discovered?”
You’ll find that 99% of the time they will say “Yes” and then
you know they are really listening. Asking permission builds
respect. Just make sure you then put the focus back onto them.
2. Listen harder. We love when people listen to us, so we find it
safe to assume that other people love when we listen to them.
3. Be considerate. Once you’ve listened, it’s time to act
accordingly. If there was anything about the persons tone of
voice or body language that gave a hint as to how they were
feeling, use that information in your interaction.
4. Keep your promise. By keeping your word to someone, you
not only establish yourself as a person of integrity, but make
the other person feel as though you value them.
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5. Be on time. Another way to demonstrate that you value
someone, is by treating their time as though it is valuable.
Nothing says this better than being punctual.
6. Have manners. This is pretty simple. Do not interrupt a
conversation, be polite and watch your ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
By showing manners towards someone, you make them feel
valuable.
7. Encourage. Sometimes when we hear a silly idea, it’s easy to
shoot down someone’s hopes and dreams, or otherwise make
them feel unimportant. Genuinely encouraging someone could
be very empowering and liberating.
8. Be fair. We often find ourselves in a position of power over
someone else; to some extent. Having power enables the
opportunity to be corrupt. Avoid corruption, give people what
they earn-deserve, and they’ll appreciate it.
9. Go out of your way. You don’t have to always do the bare
minimum. If you want to show someone that they’re valuable,
and that you respect them, go the extra mile without expecting
a reward.
10. Preserve dignity. When wronged, mistreated, or otherwise
upset in some way handle the dispute with finesse. This means
approaching the person in such a way as to preserve their
dignity. The best way to handle it is via a calm and private
conversation, as opposed to a public screaming match.
11. Do Not Assume. They say when you ASSUME, you make an
AS$- out of -U- and -ME. So don’t assume anything about a
person based on their race, income level, or gender. Start off
each interaction by thinking of the other person as your equal.
12. There are dozens if not hundreds of other ways to show people
respect. However, the key to showing someone respect, is to
show the person you are interacting with that they are
valuable.
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25 More Ways To Show Respect
Everyone wants to be treated with respect, but respect means
different
things
to
different
people.
It
also
means
different things in different cultures, so treating others
with respect often becomes a serious problem. If you want to
avoid offending someone by being disrespectful, you must
think about both what they need and how you act.
Respect sometimes means
1. Look at me - make eye contact!
2. Don’t look at me.
3. Listen attentively when I speak
4. Respond to what I mean instead of to what I say. That
often means respond to my emotions as well as to my words.
5. Ignore my emotions when I am supposed to appear strong.
6. Keep the agreements you make with me.
7. Keep time agreements with me. Don’t keep me waiting.
8. Notice what is important to me and comment on it.
9. Remember what I like and dislike.
10. Don’t force me to encounter things I hate.
11. Allow me my privacy.
12. Don’t ignore me.
13. Acknowledge everything I do well.
14. Don’t demean me by commenting on my expected work.
15. Offer to shake hands.
16. Never disagree with me.
17. Challenge my thinking.
18. Don’t interrupt me.
19. Interrupt me, it means you are listening and you care.
20. Protect me.
21. Challenge me - give me tough things to do.
22. Always speak in a calm way.
23. Match the energy of my excitement.
24. Always use my title.
25. Use my first name.
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Yes, it is contradictory! How can you sort it out? First and
foremost, recognize that people are different from you and
from each other. Be mindful of the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you.” But be even more mindful of the
Platinum Rule, “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.”
Pay attention to how others respond to you and, when
possible, when you can do so without violating your own
principles, treat them as they expect and wish to be
treated.
Sources:
http://juliettescoachtraining.wordpress.com/category/coaching-
skills/
http://www.alexshalman.com/2007/09/18/10-ways-to-show-
respect/
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D. - Copyright 2004 Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
http://www.DareToSayIt.com or email: media@laurieweiss.com or
feedback@laurieweiss.com
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3.32 AFFIRM, ACKNOWLEDGE,
COMPLIMENT, CELEBRATE
Celebrate Your Life!
I am a huge task master at times. And I have come to realize with all of
my accomplishments that I actually celebrate or acknowledge any of
them very little. And I've noticed with my clients, family and friends,
the same is true for them. Life is not just about accomplishment, it's
about acknowledgement, affirmation, compliments and celebration. It's
about pausing for a moment to acknowledge how far you've come, to
affirm that you are better today than yesterday, and to celebrate that
you are still here in this very present moment alive and ready to
acknowledge, affirm and celebrate again.
We shouldn’t wait all year just to celebrate our life on occasion of our
birthday. Instead we should fin dor create moments to acknowledge,
affirm, compliment and celebrate every single day of our life.
I'm not going to wait until next year to celebrate something so beautiful
and precious, it needs no occasion to be acknowledged. Every day we
wake up is a gift. One of my favorie quotes is:
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a gift, that's
why they call it the present."
I am going to live my life in the present. I am going to acknowlege all
that I've gained and lossed and be grateful for the opportunity and the
experience. I am going to affirm that I am better today than yesterday,
and live each day as my best self. And, most importantly, I am going to
celebrate the wins, the gifts, the people, the pleasures, the love, the
laughter and the tears, that I am blessed to experience each and every
day. Another one of my favorite quotes is:
"Sing like no one's listening; dance like no one's watching, love like
you've never been hurt; live like it's heaven on earth."
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Friends, join me in the celebration! Don't wait until your next birthday,
or your friends birthday or the next party or girls/guys night out. Live
your life as the celebration it is today! Truly live like it's heaven on
earth. And celebrate each day you have on earth in some small (or
large way). Acknowledged something or someone. Affirm something
or someone. And/or Celebrate something or someone!
Remeber . . . It's a Celebration!
The Practice
"You are what you repeatedly do. Excellence is not an event - it is a
habit."
Exercise: Affirm, Acknowledge, compliment and Celebrate
1) At the beginning of each day Affirm that you are better than
yesterday and committ to being your best self today!
2) After you complete a task, a day at work, get through putting the kids
to bed or anytime you complete any activity and before you begin the
next one, Acknowledged that you completed something to the best of
your ability, even if the end result was not what you wanted. It's about
acknowledging what you did do, not what you didn't do.
3) Take a few minutes at the end of each day and select something for
which you are grateful and have a small Celebration. It could be
dancing around a room because you are celebrating your legs, call a
friend because you are celebrating your friendship or a great telephone
system! I like to pause when I'm in the shower at night thanking God
for allowing me to be born in a century and a country with fresh clean
hot water that is piped into my home. It makes me feel humble and
honored for the privileged. As such my night time routine is a
celebration of priviledge.
Now, what is true for yourself, is also true for others:
My invitation to you is to become a detective who searches for
opportunities to give people genuine and personalized compliments. In
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doing so, you contribute to UPlifting someone’s day by reminding them
of the truth of who they are.
When you deliver the compliment, you can add extra value to it by
turning i tinto a personal endorsement. Simply add a bit of personal
touch so the recipient really connects to what you are saying. For
example, when I see a woman in a beautiful dress I say something like,
“You look absolutely amazing in that dress” as opposed to, “That’s a
great dress.”
It’s so fun to surprise someone with words of affirmation and
acknowledgment! You realize the healing power of giving people
genuine compliments as you see the smiles rush to their faces.
And don’t limit your compliments to people who seem like they could
use it. Whenever you see something that strikes you in a positive way
instead of just thinking it, share it with the person! Go out of your way
to pay someone a compliment to experience the pay off of appreciation.
Also, being a compliment Columbo is one of the best ways I know to
deal with comparison and jealousy. The instant we go into envy, we are
in a state of depreciation. Paying someone a genuine compliment
immediately shifts our energy toward one of appreciation. And the
more we are in that energy, the more we recognize our unique own
beauty, worth, and gifts. So the next time you find yourself comparing
yourself to someone, compliment them instead, because really it’s just
criminal to believe anyone one is better or worse than you.
Compliment, Endorsement or Acknowledgement
A compliment is a positive statement about a behavior or thing.
Emotionally it's detached. Comments such as "great job", "nice play",
"beautiful jacket", or "good work" are all compliments. They are nice to
receive, but really don't say much about the person who is receiving
them. Compliments are appropriate for showing appreciation to people
you don't know well such as the gas station attendant who washes your
windows or the clerk in the grocery store, but may leave someone you
have a relationship with feeling appreciative but empty.
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An endorsement is much more fun to receive, because it's a positive
comment that is specific and personal. An endorsement is focused on a
person's ability or skills, and says something about them and how
capable and competent you think they are. Examples of endorsements
are: "You really have a talent with numbers", "Your athletic ability is
outstanding", "You always look so stylish and chic, you make that jacket
look great", "The warm friendly manner you use to answer the phone
makes people want to call us".
An acknowledgment is even more personal and is the best of all,
because it's a positive comment that focuses on who the person is. It
acknowledges the unique individual they are underneath all the talents,
skills and facade. An acknowledgement is affirming and empowering,
and can be a great motivator to encourage a person to continue with
desired behaviors. Some examples of acknowledgements are: "You are
such an intelligent person, I can always count on you to get it right",
"You are a natural athlete and have a can-do attitude, which makes you
a joy to coach", "Your eyes are so lovely, and that jacket really brings
out their incredible color," "You are thoughtful and kind and it shows in
the way you treat our customers."
Acknowledgement is more than giving someone a compliment.
Acknowledgement means telling a person you see qualities in them that
helped them get a job done or will help them accomplish something in
the future.
The acknowledgment of an individual's quality must be honest and
sincere for it to have impact.
For example: "I know you have the creativity and determination to
succeed at _________________." or "You were great with the client because
of your positive attitude and clear thinking. Thank you."
The Most Effective Combination
Compliments, endorsements and acknowledgements can be delivered
separately, and in situations where you don't know the person well, but
want to give praise for something, a simple compliment is appropriate.
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However, the most effective to give and the most fun to receive is a
combination of all three. When a compliment, endorsement and
acknowledgement are combined it's a very affirming and motivating
experience for the recipient, and is a "feel-good opportunity" for the
giver.
Examples of the combination are:
"Great job! You really have a talent with numbers. You're such an
intelligent person I can always count on you to get it right!"
"Nice play. Your athletic ability is outstanding. You are a natural
athlete and have a can-do attitude, which makes you a joy to coach."
"Nice jacket. You have a talent for choosing just the right thing to
wear, and this outfit emphasizes the lovely color of your eyes."
Be Kind To Yourself Too
Giving praise and appreciation not only applies to how you speak to
others, but also to how you talk to yourself. Hopefully your self-talk is
positive and helps you feel validated and motivated. Remember that
when you speak to yourself you can choose to be vague with "nice job",
or specific and affirming with an endorsement, acknowledgement or
combination.
Of course, it goes without saying that compliments, endorsements and
acknowledgements should only be given when you truly feel what
you're saying and are sincere with your comments. People can detect
insincere praise instantly and you will loose all credibility if you give
praise you don't feel.
So, I'd like to suggest that in the next week you take some time to notice
how you verbalize your appreciation for others and yourself. Do you
thoughtlessly hand out compliments, or do you give thought to what
you want to say and take the time to share a heartfelt endorsement or
acknowledgement? You may find that as you do more endorsing and
acknowledging, your clients/customers, employees, family and friends
will seem to blossom, and you will blossom along with them.
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Sources:
Onelife Coaching -
http://www.merchantcircle.com/business/OneLife.Coaching.410-277-
8887/newsletter/25438
Christine Hassler -
http://www.christinehassler.com/2011/07/be-a-compliment-columbo/
Sandra Abell -
http://ezinearticles.com/?Compliment,-Endorse-or-
Acknowledge&id=5792653
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3.33 PAYING FULL ATTENTION
Don’t do any analysis during an interview, don’t think about what you
will answer. And certainly do not think about things that have nothing
to do with the coachee’s story. If you are completely focused on
someone, that person will feel it. and this will make them feel
comfortable opening up, so you can get those underlying explanations.
When you are fully concentrated on the coachee and what they are
saying, you are making it easier for them to tell their story,
Having the undivided attention of someone feels good. Attention like
this is probably why we remember certain experiences in a brighter
light. Feeling understood or dismissed makes a huge difference in an
interaction with another person.
Paying full attention to someone makes them feel good. In my
experience, people will respond to me with more and more detail when
they realize I am only thinking about them. They are willing to unfold
their thought processes to me; some people even express revelations in
the process of explaining themselves. Nearly everyone ends the session
thanking me for such a good discussion.
I love doing this. I have developed a practice of getting people to tell me
stories at gatherings that have nothing to do with work, like at a food
court in a mall. I’ll be standing next to someone in line, for instance, and
make some comment about the circumstances or about what they are
wearing or carrying. I’ll listen and ask for more detail. I’ll find out why
they reacted some way or why they made some decision. Within a few
minutes a complete stranger will feel comfortable enough to explain a
story to me.
We are, of course, in the relative safety of a gathering, which helps. But
the fact that I am concentrating on their answers, rather than trying to
make a point of my own or trying to count out money for my lunch bill,
makes that person feel a little cherished. I practice this in unofficial
settings so that I’ll be skillful when interviewing people for generative
research.
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Signs of giving full attention to a person:
Give the speaker your full attention. Stop doing other things.
Eliminate distractions, such as the television. Turn to face the
speaker.
Lean towards the speaker.
Make eye contact with the speaker (unless that would be rude in
your culture or theirs).
Nod or shake your head in response to the speaker's comments.
Make sounds that let the speaker know you are listening, such as
“uh huh,” “yes,” and “go on.”
Change your facial expression to reflect the appropriate emotion,
such as concern excitement, or worry.
Check out what you are hearing. Say, “I think you are saying ...” and
ask if you understand correctly.
Try to figure out what the speaker is feeling and check to see if you
are correct. “You must have felt so excited?” “You sound so sad ...”
Let the other person respond with how she/he is feeling.
Do not interrupt unless time is an issue and you have to be
somewhere else or do something. In that case, apologize and ask to
finish the conversation at another
Happiness Exercise:
When listening to somebody, there’s really nothing else you have to do
other than. The difficulty for most of us is to listen without letting our
minds get distracted by thinking about how we relate to what they’re
saying, a story about ourselves that we want to share, or even our