yourself accountable for the full intensity of their response. Your
actions may have simply triggered strong feelings from their past.
Pointing this out to someone, however, is likely to make them defensive
unless you cop to your own involvement first. If you validate your
contribution to their feelings they are often freed to look more closely
at their own contribution.
After you have validated someone's feelings about you and allowed
some time for those feelings to release, you can explain what your
intention was without appearing defensive. Here are a few examples of
the difference between defensiveness, reflective listening, and
validation:
Example
A:
Sister #1: Jackie! You pig! The pie is almost all gone!
Sister #2 (defensive): I didn't eat it all!
Sister #2 (reflective): You're angry about how much pie I ate.
Sister #2 (validating): Oh. I wasn't keeping track of how much I was
eating. But if I had more than my share it makes sense that you'd be
pissed.
Example
B:
Child: This is a drag. You never take us anywhere fun.
Dad (defensive): What do you mean! What about last weekend!
Dad (reflective): You are bored with what we are doing.
Dad (validating): I can see how it might get pretty boring just
hanging around here all day.
In both cases the validating response goes beyond the reflective
response to include the message that the feelings expressed are
understandable. The validating response thus addresses the
unconscious question, "Are my feelings okay?" Because the need to be
validated is so universal among people, those who gain proficiency at
this skill can become very popular indeed.
Source:
http://www.santacruztherapist.net/Articles/Validating%20Feelings.html
Copyright: Tim Hartnett, 1997 - Revised 2007
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3.45 CHALLENGE EXISTING PATTERNS
To Create the Future, See Hidden Patterns (and Challenge Them)
C_n y__ r_ad th__ se_t_nc_ ?
Probably.
And do you know why you can? Because you've been given just enough
information to deduce a meaning.
Your brain, drawing on past experiences of letters, words and
sentences, recognizes a pattern -- or at least thinks it does.
Human beings are masters at "filling in the blanks." We see something,
compare it to our storehouse of past memories, reach a conclusion and
then act on it.
This pattern-recognizing ability of ours is very useful tool. It saves us
time, lets us to make decisions on the fly, and helps us interpret our
world.
For example, when driving up a hill, your pattern recognition ability
allows you to keep on driving rather than stop your car to make sure
the road continues on the other side.
Past experience has taught you that roads continue, even when you
can't see where they're going.
"A genius is only that one who discerns the pattern of things within the
confusion of details a little sooner than the average person," explained
Ben Shahn.
True. But not always.
After an earthquake, for example, some roads do not continue. In that
case, it would not serve you to keep on driving. A routine habit that
saved you time in the past might now lead to your quick demise. (Bye
bye car payments. Bye bye world).
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Indeed, more than a few patterns that we live our lives by turn out to
seriously mislead us.
Stereotyping is the most obvious
manifestation of this phenomenon,
causing us to jump to conclusions. But
our conclusions are not always true.
In our hurry to make sense of the
world, we prematurely "fill in the
blanks," trading in reality for
reactivity.
The past, instead of serving us,
becomes our ruler.
Patterns are neither good nor bad.
They're simply the raw material from
which we interpret our world.
Weathermen make their living
interpreting patterns. So do stock
market analysts, futurists, and astrologers. All of them infer a future
based on past trends.
Sometimes, however, they misinterpret the clues. Or even more
insidiously, cannot detect new patterns inconsistent with their present
worldview.
If you want to be more creative, start making a commitment to look for,
learn from, and challenge existing patterns. It will help you see the
world (and all your problems) in wonderful, new ways -- the fertile
ground from which all innovation springs.
AN EXERCISE FOR YOU:
1. What patterns or trends intrigue you?
2. What can you learn from these patterns or trends?
3. What new ideas for a product or service come to mind when you
reflect on these patterns or trends?
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To be able to let go of ingrained patterns, a coachee not only has to
pluck up the necessary courage but also put up a lot of energy, while he
doesn't know in advance if it's all going to be worth it in the long run. So
he can do with some extra motivational challenge in order to change.
Look for clues in the coachee's story that can be turned into 'rewards'.
Stimulate the coachee to think in terms of daring to choose a goal and
then really go for it. A good challenge will help the coachee to go on
when he is encountering difficulties on the road to change and will help
him not to give up at the first hurdle. Make sure the coachee regards the
challenge as his own and encourage the coachee to challenge himself.
Take into consideration not every coachee likes challenges or responds
equally well to it.
I really have to give up a lot: going out with my friends, drinking, having
fun... What do I get in return? Having to go to bed early, being on a strict
diet and training till I virtually drop. And for what?
Oh, I don't know, you're already the champ of British Columbia, so
if you beat a few more opponents from a few other states you're the
national champion. You're still young so becoming the champion of
North America could also be on the cards. There are more guys
who did it, so why not you?
I'm afraid to go to Gamblers Anonymous.
Well, it is a bit of a gamble what it will be like, but it might be the
best gamble you ever took in your life!
I don't know what to wear when she comes. I haven't had a girlfriend
for ages. I am going to call it off.
Cancelling is an option, but think of all the nice things that can
happen if you're having a candlelight diner with romantic music
and enjoying each other's company.
For coachees to challenge themselves, you need to ask the questions in
such a way that the coachee will start challenging himself. You let him
state what would motivate and stimulate him to reach his goal or to
achieve his aim.
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I wonder if it's all worth it?
What would help you to carry on?
It's not an easy task, you know.
Changing is never easy. What would stimulate you to change?
To swing into action I need a challenge.
What challenge were you thinking of?
Other people make it seem so easy.
How could you make it easy for yourself?
It's quite a task, you know.
Do you remember what reward you have set yourself when you
reach your goal?
I can't think of anything, even though when I was young I had so many
ideas - but nowadays...
Suppose we could go back in time to your young self, what would
you want then?
This year I won't become the champ.
Hm, this sounds to me like negative thinking. How could you make
sure you do succeed?
With the children, a part time job and my husband spending most of his
spare time on his study, I don't have any time to myself.
What can you think of that would give you some time to yourself? If
you like, we can brainstorm about it.
Sources :
http://www.ideachampions.com/weblogs/archives/2010/08/c_n_y___
r_ad_th.shtml
The Art of Counselling / De Kunst van het Counselen
© Copyright Owner:
Academy for Counselling and Coaching The
Netherlands - Paul van Schaik
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3.46 SOLUTIONS AND SUCCESSES TO
DATE
“Self-confidence is the memory of success”
For some people, coaching can be uncomfortable. All too often, the
person being coached becomes defensive. But coaching should not be a
battle. In fact, coaching is something you can do well, if you keep
coaching positive and follow four basic tips.
1. State the Success Point.
A success point, based on the performance or action that you are
coaching, should be both measurable and clearly definite. Before you
start coaching you must first define what your determined point of
success will be and then state it out loud. Next, show the person you are
coaching how this ‘point’ will positively impact them and how their
performance will impact the organization.
2. Acknowledge every success.
Once you determine your success point, you must acknowledge every
success. It is much easier to coach based on success and then build one
success on another. So start your coaching by acknowledging an aspect
of the person’s performance that is positive and then build on it. Be
specific as you acknowledge. This is not cheerleading. This is coaching.
You are pointing out a skill, quality or action that you clearly want
someone to repeat.
3. For improvement, point out the solution instead of critiquing
the error.
The next tip to improving performance is to point out a solution.
Actually, to point out a solution means pointing toward a solution. You
may, in fact, not know exact solutions in advance. You may need to do
some experimenting. So, point toward experiments which seem to offer
likely solutions, and remember to point only one solution out at a time.
740
Another key aspect to note is that solutions focused on the positive
make performance even better. Focusing on what is wrong creates
frustration and may actually cause someone to repeat the mistake.
For instance, telling a golfer, “Don’t slice it,” would probably cause him
to do just that. You also wouldn’t tell a baseball player on the way to the
plate, “Don’t strike out.” If you focus on what not to do, you will more
than likely actually do what you brain is focused on, what not to do.
How many times have you sworn not to get something on your tie, suit
or dress only to have it happen in a matter of minutes, if not seconds?
As an example, try this quick exercise. When you read the word “fruit,”
don’t picture bananas. That is the only rule. Don’t picture bananas. Did
you picture bananas? Most people do. A better coaching technique
would be to say, “When you read the word “fruit,” picture strawberries.
Full 100% attention is then on what makes it better.
4. Experiment until your partner succeeds.
The final tip is to experiment until the person you are coaching, your
partner, achieves some measurable success because you never want to
end with failure. Your partner will remember that and will not be back
any time soon. So ensure that every practice sequence ends with a
“win” (a success or improvement.) Also, save all talk, analyses and
conclusions until your practice period is over. Your focus, as you coach,
must be on achieving measurable success.
Source:
http://www.thepargroup.com/article_CoachingTips.html
THE POWER OF PAST EVENTS
Build Confidence with Affirmations and Self-Talk
Bruce Jenner used to interpret increased heartbeat, muscle tremor,
rapid breathing, increased sweating, and a need to urinate just before
the decathlon as a sign that he was nervous, excessively aroused, and
wasn't going to do well. These thoughts inevitably led to a self-fulfilling
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prophecy. Over time, he reframed those feelings and thoughts and told
himself that he was ready, prepared both physically and
psychologically, and that those symptoms were a sign of readiness and
positive signals to compete. The result? An Olympic gold in the
decathlon in 1976. I saw him compete in the Olympic trials a few
months before, and he definitely shifted his focus between the trials
and his tremendous performance in Montreal.
My friend and colleague, the late Dorothy Harris, PhD, who was a
professor of sport psychology at Pennsylvania State University in
University Park, used to say, "The only difference between the best
performance and the worst performance is the variation in our self-talk
and the self-thoughts and attitudes we carry around with us."
The Power of Past Events
Dr. Harris and others have written extensively about the fact that our
awareness in sporting events goes way beyond what is happening at
the moment when we compete. Our awareness level during a tennis
match, for example, is triggered by earlier events and memories of
previous matches. We often find ourselves searching the unconscious
for memories of the past, when we were in similar situations. Most of us
go back to those situations in our minds and reflect on how that
previous match affected us and our performance.
We then take an inventory of that previous competitive situation and
decide how we are going to play this match based on the pleasant or
unpleasant thoughts that surrounded that previous event.
If we had unpleasant experiences in the past, negative thoughts might
seep into our minds, affecting our muscle control and overall self-image
of how we might play the game today.
If we had prior pleasant athletic experiences, the feelings of
competence, usefulness, and high self-esteem might reemerge at the
appropriate moments. These emotions and experiences have a way of
becoming self-fulfilling prophecies that either work to our advantage or
disadvantage.
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“ I've done this before . That's why I know I can do this again .”
When we talk about building confidence with affirmations and self-talk,
it is important to look at the link between self-confidence and success.
Certain athletes have been able to build on their confidence through
years of positive thinking and reminding themselves of positive
outcomes brought about by positive affirmations. These are athletes
who do not give up, even though they may be four games behind in a
tennis match or a quarter-mile behind in a marathon.
Tennis great Pete Sampras, who retired in August 2003 after a stunning
career, is one who uses positive affirmations and self-talk to remind
himself that he can conquer an opponent even if he is behind and not
playing well. He will often remind himself that he has been on this court
before, played the same opponent, and now needs to shift gears with
some positive self-talk reminders that "everything is okay."
Kenny Moore, two-time Olympic marathoner, never gave up in the
grueling 26.2-mile race, even though he often experienced pain and
fatigue in the last 4 to 5 miles. He told me over lunch recently, "I often
reminded myself of growing up in Oregon and training on those cold,
wet nights. It was tough, and I know I can work through this experience
as well."
Boosting Belief in your Ability
Most of us don't even realize that we spend a good deal of time talking
to ourselves. We are unaware of this internal dialogue; we just know
that we are feeling some discomfort. Nevertheless, thoughts directly
affect feelings and, ultimately, athletic movement and activity. Negative
thoughts lead to negative feelings, low self-esteem, and poor
performance. How can we turn these thoughts around to create
positive emotions, peak performance, and a belief that we are
consistent winners?
Confident athletes such as Moore and Sampras think positively, use
self-talk to build on their confidence, and believe in affirmations. They
focus on mastering their sports and not on worrying about poor
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performance or negative consequences of failure. Building on previous
success and not dwelling on failure or poor performance fosters a
positive self-image, confidence, and personal belief for the "can-do"
athlete. In talking to a gaggle of top Olympic coaches (for instance, Russ
Hellickson, head wrestling coach at Ohio State University in Columbus
and two-time Olympic silver medalist), I learned that effective coaching
begins by building an individual inventory of positive outcomes.
So when a coach works with a top-ranked tennis player like Sampras,
the coach needs to take stock of the physical and emotional strengths of
a given performance, then remind the player that he has the skills to do
better after a particular match. The coach is in a unique position to
observe court presence, shot selection, and footwork and reiterate
performance objectives and goals so that the player can enhance his
sense of worth and self-confidence. This initiates and reinforces the
player's feeling of power and internal control, which builds the athlete's
confidence in his tennis performance.
To be able to build confidence with affirmations, athletes have to
genuinely believe in themselves. My colleague, sport psychologist Jim
Loehr, PhD, founding director of sport sciences for the United States
Tennis Association and co-founder of LGE Sport Science Training
Center in Orlando, Florida, has worked with some of the top tennis
players in the world. These players have wonderful physiological gifts.
They hit hard with great precision and their reflexes are swift, but
many lack basic confidence and have very low self-images. The key,
says Dr. Loehr, is to identify when and where their self-concept breaks
down and try to intervene with positive selftalk and affirmations that
foster strength, grace, and consistency in their tennis strokes. Positive
intentions can result in positive outcomes.
Dr. Loehr suggests that we have to get to "basic confidence and early
images of success," and other sport psychologists express the same
sentiments. For some athletes, this might mean going back and
exploring childhood concerns, fear of failure, embarrassment,
humiliation among friends and family, and childhood trauma. This base
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of understanding builds consistently, right up to and during
competition.
Mel Rosen, 1992 Olympic track and field coach and former track and
field coach at Auburn University in Alabama, used to approach one of
his student athletes, a three-time Olympic sprint champion, with a keen
and sensitive eye to building last-minute confidence and self-image. "I
would see Harvey Glance with his head down before the Olympic Trials
and know that he wasn't emotionally prepared to race. I would remind
him of his other big races, remind him of his need for positive self-talk
and positive images when he set up in the blocks. Most of all, I would
tell Harvey to keep his head up and remind him that he was the best in
the business and that he could get the job done."
Glance, now head coach at the University of Alabama, uses a similar but
more elaborate formula to build confidence levels. He writes notes to
his athletes congratulating them on their workouts and reminding them
to stay positive and refreshed when they train. He reminds them to
keep a healthy and positive attitude in their daily workouts so that they
can bring these images and affirmations to each race.
Personal Pep Talks
What does self-talk mean, and how does it affect athletic performance?
The frequency and content of thoughts vary from individual to
individual and situation to situation. Anytime you think about
something, you are "talking to yourself," which is a type of self-talk.
Affirmations, on the other hand, are a very specific and individualized
type of self-talk. For instance, if! say to myself before shooting white-
water rapids, "Steven, stay focused," that's self-talk. Affirmations,
however, would be more specific to me. I might say to myself, "I know
I'm really good at doing this. I know my emotional state. I'm very
positive."
Self-talk and self-affirmation become great emotional strengths when
they enhance self-esteem and self-worth. It works to great advantage
when this self-improvement leads to a terrific performance.
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Here's how self-talk works. Pete Sampras, whom I mentioned earlier,
tended to let anger trap him as a child, and he allowed it to lead to
negative tension on the court. To combat this tendency, Sampras says
positive things to himself, such as, "I need to get out of this mind-set," "I
need to let go of that last point and stay focused on the present," and "I
need to stay focused on the present and prepare for the next point."
When Sampras does that, he stays fresher, he is less easily distracted,
and his mind is more receptive to being able to focus on the game.
Such positive talk and affirmation may help an athlete stay in the
present, completely focused on the task at hand. These mental skills
may allow an athlete to perform at peak output, while blocking out
images or thoughts from previous unsuccessful events. Ideally, the
ultimate goal of affirmation and self-talk skill development may be to
help the athlete's actions become automatic, yet intuitive. Allowing the
athlete to feel and sense his way through a competition is the path to a
peak performance. Most athletes at any level of sport rarely go through
a competitive event without some degree of thought or feeling.
Therefore, it's best to try and make those thoughts and feelings positive
ones.
It is important for coaches to teach competitors how to recognize and
control those thoughts. It's not the thinking itself that leads to poor
performance, but rather, misguided or inappropriate thinking. These
are concepts that noted sport psychologist Jean Williams, PhD, has
written about and discussed extensively in her work with college