This is the second in a series of three books about
Personal coaching.
Part 1, “Personal Coaching” is about what Personal
Coaching is and offers a surview of the most popular
models for Personal Coaching (or “Life Coaching”) and
Self Coaching.
Part 2, “Techniques for Personal Coaching and Self
Coaching” introduces you to the most powerful coaching
techniques in use and describes the most successful
questions and strategies for coaching.
Part 3, “Essential Knowledge for Personal Coaches”, is a
practical standard reference work highlighting the
knowledge and skills that are indispensable for anybody
who is considering life coaching as a career or as a
serious self coaching process,
Dean Amory's Complete Life Coaching and Personal
Coaching Course is your best guide for coaching your
coachees and yourself towards maximizing your life
potential and achieving a happier and more fulfilled life.
Personal Coaching is an invaluable training manual for
anybody who takes life coaching seriously.
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3.1 ACTIVE LISTENING
Listening is an art. A lot of people stop talking and in their
mind they're already trying to think of what they're going to
say next. That is not really listening. If you are (pre)occupied
with your own thoughts, then there is no room for the
coachee anymore. Not really.
And even if you are listening and not busy with your own
thoughts on the matter, listening is so much more than just
hearing the words and being able to repeat them. To get the
essence of what's being said -the words behind the words, is
just as important, if not more so. While the coachee is telling
his story, try to also listen for things like a slip of the tongue,
jokes, omissions, recurring themes, metaphors and
contradictions. They can speak volumes.
Apart from the intonations you can pick out the different
emotions in the coachee's voice. Body language and other
signals can strengthen or weaken the story. Contradictions
are called incongruence and the coach can either keep these
in mind or ask about them. Make sure you do this carefully,
so the coachee won't feel caught out.
In active listening, the coach has an open and alert attitude,
he's completely there for the coachee and is peeling his ears,
so to speak.
To listen empathically means the coach shows a lot of
understanding for what the coachee is experiencing and in a
way he manages to convey this warm understanding to the
coachee, who can appreciate it.
Before asking questions, we must learn to listen attentively
and effectively. Active listening includes a number of
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techniques: encouraging, paraphrasing, reflecting feelings,
and summarizing. But also other techniques are important.
Body language
Body language is important. Excessive eye-contact may be
felt as threatening. Not maintaining enough eye-contact on
the other hand might be interpreted as a lack of interest (e.g.
when listener is repeatedly looking at their watch or
documents on their desk!), or as an indication that the
listener is hiding information or is not sufficiently open or
honest. Body language includes (affirmative) head nodding
and the use of silence, which are powerful tools in any
conversation.
Gerard Egan describes the correct position for listening as
follows :
SOLER S : Sit squarely, face coachee
O: keep an Open posture
L: Lean forward when appropriate
E: maintain regular Eye contact (don’t stare)
R: Relaxed body language
Show coachees that you are interested in the situations,
experiences and feelings that they are communicating and
that you care not only about what they are saying, but also
about how this affects them.
Encouraging
Humming, and short expressions like “Yes”, ”I see" … are
used to confirm coachee that you are listening to him keenly.
These expressions also help them to understand which part
of their message is being appreciated and to elaborate on
that particular topic.
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Asking questions is another way of showing your interest
and making coachees feel understood, valued, respected and
listened to.
In its purest form, life coaching is a technique that uses
powerful questions to facilitate you in finding your own
answers. (Life-coaching for dummies – Jeni Mumford)
Clarifying and reflective questions often are a very good
idea:
Examples of clarifying questions:
-
Tell me more about …
-
Go on …
-
I am interested to hear more about …
-
What did you do then?
-
You say …, why is this so ?
-
Is this always the case?
Clarifying:
1. Restate what you heard the trainee say
2. Listen for confirmation that what you are saying is correct
3. Encourage trainees to tell you if you are right or wrong
Examples of reflective questions:
-
How was this different from …?
-
What would it look like if …?
-
What would happen if …?
-
What do you wish …?
-
What did you want him to do instead?
-
How would this impact / change … ?
Often enough, it is also very useful to repeat in some way
what they have said.
This forces coachees to concentrate on what you are saying,
thus helping them to take some distance from their own
story and obtain an improved general view of the whole
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situation. By repeating coachees’ messages, you also
stimulate their thought process, without introducing new
subjects.
Different options to repeat a message are available:
1. Parroting : literally echo their exact words. Often, only
the last words are repeated (mirror-questions) in an
invitation to amplify on them. The use of parroting
should however be limited, since hearing your own
words echoed repeatedly soon becomes very annoying.
2. Repeating Content: This technique goes beyond
parroting: The coachee’s exact words are repeated,
inviting them to elaborate on their story or to continue
it.
3. Repeating Conflict: Repeat both sides of a conflict
situation, opposing pros and cons stimulate coachee to
make a considered choice.
4. Paraphrasing or Reflecting Meaning: Repeating
coachee’s message in your own words, that is: reflecting
the facts or ideas, but not the emotions and without
getting emotionally involved, may open new
perspectives.
Often an element of acknowledgement or positive feedback
will be part of the paraphrasing, thus motivating the coachee
to continue sharing.
Simultaneously, paraphrasing is
- either a request for verification of your perceptions
(feedback)
- or a confirmation that you have correctly understood the
message.
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Good openings for paraphrasing are:
- So you think, ….
- You don’t believe that …
- You don’t understand why …
- So, what you are saying is …
- Sounds to me like you ….
- The way you see things …
- To you, this means …
- So, you are saying that …
- I guess it is your opinion that …
- If I understand correctly …
- You’ve always thought …, but now you found out that …
Some manuals use the term “reflecting” to indicate reflection
of meaning (thoughts) only and use “paraphrasing” for
referring to reflecting thoughts AND emotions
5.
Reflecting - or Repeating Feelings - is very similar to
paraphrasing, but instead of reflecting the meaning, the
coach now reflects the emotions that are the basis of
coachee’s words. Reflecting feelings resorts a much
stronger effect, because coachee will experience that
the coach is not only understanding him, but is also
emphatizing with his feelings.
Reflecting feelings is the basis of emphatic listening and
creates rapport. Naming the feeling that you recognize
in their story, helps coachees to define and explore their
own feelings and become more aware of their
seriousness. Reflecting is very useful also when you feel
coachees are rattling information without feeling
involved.
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Good introductions for reflecting are:
- You feel doubly hurt, because …
- The situation is worrying you, …
- You are disappointed, …
- You feel it’s a shame, …
- You are feeling sad, …
- You were angry, because …
- You don’t dare to, …
- You are afraid, …
- You must be very fond of him.
- You feel you have failed …
- You are worried that you …
- You had the strong feeling that …
- Yet, I notice some doubt in your voice
- You don’t sound very convinced though
- And yet, you sound sad. Maybe you can tell me what
happened?
- I sense you are still angry, troubled, mixed up,
confused … maybe that’s why …
6. Clarifying brings unclear or vague subjects into
sharper focus. It is useful to confirm what was said, to
get supplementary information, to present fresh points of
view or add details, or to shed light on new elements.
Examples:
- Let me see if I’ve got it all …
- Let me try to state what I think you said …
7. Summative Reflection involves summarizing the
message in order to provide a structured, complete and
comprehensive feedback. Aside from organizing and
integrating the major aspects of the dialogue,
summarizing also establishes a basis for further
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discussion and offers a sense of progress in the
conversation.
It is required to also plan regular summaries and
evaluations during which you
-
repeat the essence of what has been said or done
-
provide a clear image of the situation
-
locate where coachee is with respect to the total
journey
Logical moments for summarizing and evaluating are:
-
At the start and end of each session
-
At transiting to a new phase
-
At any moment that you feel a summary might be
helpful to keep track of the situation or to stimulate
the coachee.
Alternatively, it is a good idea to ask the coachees every
now and then to summarize and evaluate things
themselves. This will help you to take notice of
- Their point of view
- Which elements have stuck
- What is most important to them now
- What they are “forgetting”
- The most important elements in a summary are:
-
Accurate summary of core material
-
Clarity and structure
-
Reflection of content
-
Reflection of feelings
-
Deeper empathy
Possible opening lines for summarizing:
A. X, let’s see how far you got until now:
- You came to me X weeks ago, because … and because ….
- We determined that …, because ….
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- Is there something you would like to add at this point?
B. So, to summarize, you say that …, is that correct?
C. At that moment, you set yourself the target of …. Because
….
- To this end, we composed an action plan
- Now, the question is when to start with the execution
of this plan.
D. Summarizing your story, you reported that … , but …, and
… - Can you agree with this presentation?
E. This seems a good moment to summarize what we have
done during this session.
- Is there something you want to add?
- How did you experience the conversation?
- By the next session, I would like you
- to consider / go through today’s points again
- to start the actions we agreed upon
- Which would allow us to proceed next time with ….
F. Is there anything you want to add?
Examples:
I don't understand why my wife is getting worked up, I for
instance never get mad!!
Still I hear a bit of anger in your voice. Your wife might
perceive this as you being angry.
If you think it helps, I'm quite willing to do it, you know?
You don't sound convinced, what might be holding you
back?
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I actually wanted to stop coming here as I think I'm doing
much better now.
I'm glad you're feeling a lot better and of course you're
free to stop whenever you want. However I've noticed
there are still some things that seem to trouble you...
I haven't touched a drink in weeks, it's clear I'm not an
alcoholic... (hiccup)
Being an alcoholic might be too strong a word, but
something tells me you still do have a drink regularly.
I don't know what's wrong with me or where to start.
We can take our time. You sound very sad, maybe you
could tell me what has happened?
8. Empathy and deeper empathy
In coaching you want to build up a trusting relationship with
your coachee in a short timespan. The coachee has often
heard from people around him things like 'it's nothing to
worry about', 'it will be all right', 'don't get worked up, you
only make it worse' and more well intended things that
unintentionally often made him shut up. With you he is
allowed, or rather he should open up and get rid of this
threshold. So you want to let him know he's at the right
address with his story, his emotions and how he experiences
things.
By showing him empathy, you welcome his inner
experiences and invite him to explore his own feelings.
Empathy is not a technique by itself, it is often part of
paraphrasing or reflecting. You not only express empathy in
the words you use, but also in your modulation, intonation
and by showing the right feelings.
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Understanding, empathy and deep empathy are all in line
and in a way connected. Understanding is more a rational
thing and involves mainly intelligence. Empathy involves
feelings, including your own feelings as a human being and
as coach.
Deep empathy even goes one step further. It goes right into
the inner world of experiencing of the coachee for a short
while. In other words, with deep empathy you can virtually
feel what the coachee must be experiencing. You express the
emotions you feel the coachee has. This can be overdone, not
every coachee expects a strong emotional reaction from his
coach. So use and express deep empathy appropriately and
judiciously.
In these exercises successive understanding, empathy and
deeper empathy are shown.
Mother is connected to all these tubes and can hardly say a
thing anymore. She's also drugged up with medicines.
(Understanding)
That must be an awful situation.
(Empathy)
I can imagine it must be very emotional to see your
mother lying there so helplessly.
(Deep empathy)
I can tell you're suffering, you would so much like for
her to get well but there's nothing you can do about it
and you feel powerless.
Near my house kids hang out; it's very noisy, they fight
regularly, and there's trash everywhere.
(Understanding)
It must be annoying; all that noise, aggression and mess.
(Empathy)
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It must be threatening; so close to your home, and that
day in day out.
(Deep empathy)
Looks like it really troubles you. You were looking
forward to living in a nice neighbourhood with your
children and now it turns out to be just the opposite.
I got fired last week, out of the blue.
(Understanding)
Gosh, that must have been quite a shock.
(Empathy)
That's terrible, and you thought you would get that
promotion.
(Deep Empathy)
Of course you feel desperate and betrayed. I would really
like to try and help you to get over it.
“Empathy” is the capacity to recognize (and, to some
extent,share) feelings expressed by others and to
understand their circumstances, point of view and thoughts.
Roadblocks to empathy
There are a number of common ‘roadblocks’ that can
prevent empathy (Jarvis et al., 1995).
These include:
- ordering or commanding
- warning or threatening
- arguing or persuading
- moralising
- ridiculing or labelling
- giving advice or providing solutions
It is also important to avoid:
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- insincerity
- repetition
- clichés
- using jargon
- collusion
“Deeper empathy” is the ability to use empathy to help
others understand themselves, their world, personal
situation, thoughts and feelings better and in another
perspective.
Often the coach will
1. Use questions like “Could it be …”, “Perhaps you might see
…”, “I feel you may think now …” , “you might ask yourself…”,
“Perhaps you feel …”, “it may be that …”, “it seems as if you
are feeling …”
2. Followed by a reflection of information implied by
cochee’s message, but not put into words by them. This
might include naming of themes, patterns, isolated elements
or inconsistencies of thoughts or feelings.
3. and by the suggestion of alternative viewpoints or
perspectives
Example (E = empathy / E+ = deeper empathy)
Statement coachee: “I cannot bear to see her laying there
like that.”
E:
I can imagine it must be very emotional to see her
laying there so helplessly.
E+: I can tell you are suffering, you would so much like her
to get well but there is nothing you can do about it and you
feel powerless.
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9. Evaluation
In a coaching conversation, you will not want to stop at
listening. Towards the end of the conversation, you will
want the coachee to take a next step, start changing things,
commit to action.
Examples:
- So, where does this leave us?
- What will you do next?
- How will this help you to proceed towards your goal?
- What will be your first step now?
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3.2 ASKING QUESTIONS
Asking questions is how we find things out.
An excellent way to do this is “the FRRO technique”.
“FRRO” stands for:
1. FRAME
Put aside your own reactions,
opinions
and
feelings
and
concentrate on getting as much
useful and objective information as
possible. Discover the story behind
the story, then pull the elements
that are useful for reaching the
coachee’s goal to foreground
2. REPEAT
See the chapter on repeating the
coachee’s message.
Show you
understand, show you care.
3. REALITY
Checking the coachee’s story,
expectations and beliefs helps to
build realistic expectations.
4. OPEN QUESTIONS
Start with open questions and ask
factual questions first, before
proceeding to enquiring about
emotions.
The best way to start asking, is by asking open questions
Open questions generally do not start with a verb, but start
with a pronoun: who, what, why, when, where, how, how
many, which, …
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The advantage of using open questions is that they will
evoke a more detailed response than other types of
questions. They are therefore the obvious questions to ask
when you want to collect information, stimulate the coachee
to talk or stimulate them to put their feelings or thoughts
into words.
Exploring questions are very useful during the coaching
process:
For putting the problem in the right context and
perspective:
Which other feelings play a part?
For scanning and identifying possible goals
For exploring internal and exterior resources
For examining the various paths that might be useful to
achieve the goal
Examples:
Exploring exact meaning of statement.
E.g.: Coachee says: “I am feeling guilty”
Some possible exploring questions:
- Why are you feeling guilty?
- What does feeling guilty exactly means for you, Ian?
- How do you cope with that situation / feeling?
- How does this make you feel exactly?
- What do you do about these feelings, how do you express
them?
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Exploring possible goals
E.g.: Coachee says: “I would like to feel really o.k.”
Some possible exploring questions:
- That’s a great goal, Ian. What would it take to make y