Chapter 84 Love and Marriage.
God created man and woman, brought them together in marriage, and gave them the wonderful power of procreation. Marriage is undoubtedly on a divine foundation, it is a part of life in the universe and a natural state for us. Globally, extensive research has indicated that married people lived happier and longer lives. A loving relationship increases security, self-esteem, health, fulfilment and wellbeing. George Sand said, "There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
Are you ready for marriage? Ask yourself, are you matured enough and well prepared financially, emotionally and spiritually? Painstaking studies have shown that early marriages resulted in more break-ups, compared to later ones which enjoyed better emotional and financial stability. The importance of the engagement period should not be overlooked. It allows time to make plans, discuss problems and settle differences. Here, it is best to leave romance out and examine practically what your mate expects and desires in the oncoming marriage. At this time, couples should have discipline, and show deference for the holiness of matrimony. Some words of caution: Statistics have shown that couples who lived together before marriage were 40 to 80% more likely to separate or divorce later.
Are you making the right choice? Deciding whom to marry is the most important decision you will ever make in your life. If you pick your partner wisely, you save yourself much heartache later. Thomas Fuller said, "Keep the eyes wide open before marriage; and half shut afterward. The great Socrates noted: "By all means marry; if you get a good wife, youll become happy; if you get a bad one, youll become a philosopher. Marry someone who has many similar interests, but have some dissimilar ones to supplement yours. It is nice to have a bond based on similarity, and attraction based on opposites.
I believe one should choose a life partner with ones head, not ones heart. Cool thinking and clear judgement must prevail to make a wise choice. A Spanish proverb advised, "If you want to marry wisely, marry your equal. Dont marry someone whose intellectual, financial and cultural background contrasts sharply with yours. If you do, you are likely to meet difficulties. Neither should you marry someone who has more problems than you. You dont need more of them! Dont assume that your romantic excitement about each other is enough to breeze you through the years! Be careful, let me warn you, there are people who have suffered many years of married life, simply because they had not been cautious and thorough enough in selecting their partners. Carelessness invites misery.
Commitment, worthiness and faithfulness. Marriage is a total commitment between two people, for mutual advancement and benefit, and complete fulfilment of dreams and goals. For a start, you have to love yourself before you can love others. You need a clear conscience, to feel your self-worth, and to feel worthy of your mates affection. When you feel good about yourself, you can live your life wholly and love your mate fully. Then both of you can go on to enrich each other with completeness and dignity. In successful relationships, husbands, wives and family members constantly build and boost each others qualities. Unfaithfulness, on the other extreme, destroys the bond of love, and is a betrayal of trust and the marriage commitment. Many families have been ruined by infidelity.
Unconditional love. When you truly love someone unconditionally, you empower him or her with self esteem, support and security. A good wife is priceless. She gives her husband affection, care and strength; bears and raises his children and tends and beautifies the home. She works best when she is most needed. She can turn a sulky husband into a successful one. Harmony, understanding, religious values and a united purpose can surmount difficulties and lift the couple to great joy and achievement.
Cultivate a green thumb for your relationship. Make your marriage beam and bloom. Have fun times together to forget the daily chores and pressures. Many let their marriage wither without making the extra efforts to keep it alive. Look with love not just for love. Understand your partners wants and wishes completely, through close attention and appropriate responses. Provide the emotional support for your mate and intensify your fondness for each other; go to the extent of pointing out the qualities you enjoy in your spouse. Show appreciation and affection continuously, feeling appreciated is a basic human need. Excellent relation with anyone needs 2 important things, consideration and respect, and these are central and crucial to a good marriage.
Total reverence and concern for each other, and complete acceptance of each others uniqueness and ideals are the foundation for love to grow and the merger to last. A loving relationship, full of growth, creativity and mutual admiration, enables a person to feel, express and reciprocate with more fulfilment and completeness.
Time together is a top priority. Give love the time it needs. Give each other room to breathe and grow too. Like the trees or the birds, you need the space to spread your branches or wings. After a hard days work you need some time alone to rest and unwind. Have united values and goals, with sharing and teamwork. See the preciousness and potential in your mate, and the capacity for growth and success. Take advantage of the changing times and environment, to develop fresh interests and activities. You can adapt to change, then progress together.
Take delight in grooming and improving each other. In a good union, the partners offer undying love and total commitment, and grow together year after year. Retrospect, introspect and see ahead. Soul-searching should include the adequacy of support and level of advancement you have given each other. Make short and long term plans together, even new year resolutions. Such togetherness foster a strong sense of unity and permanence.
Prepare for harsh realities and problems. Dont be puzzled if marriage is not a bed of roses with no bills and no ills, as painted in the best-selling romance novels. Those authors real lives were not beds of roses either. Be prepared for harsh realities. There are numerous responsibilities and household chores. The baby wants his milk in the wee hours before morning; children falling sick and crying through the night; cobwebs in the garage; leaks in the ceiling; trees to be trimmed and lawn to be mowed.
Difficulties in a relationship often arise from stubbornness and the inability to adapt to change. Many conflicts have been resolved simply by one or both of the couples efforts to change, and to expunge the faults that were straining the marriage. Often it pays to take a fresh look in a different perspective. Accept divergent points of view, instead of insisting on your opinion and struggling to change your mates mind. In a crisis, stage a solid, you-and-me-against-the-world unity. Tolerance and compromise allow love to grow. It will survive, and it will override all momentary misunderstanding and resentment. Joy and laughter will follow upsets and tears; the rainbow will return after the storm.
We"ve seen the DOs, let"s see all the DON"Ts. Dont anticipate a marriage life of blossoms and breeze. Neither should you demand subservience, and total consistency in your partner. Dont expect to change your partner completely. As far as possible accept your mate as he is or she is, and any attempt to change him or her should be gentle and tactful. Certain things are not changeable; accept them. Never interfere with your partners unique ways of being happy. Avoid fault-finding, suspicion, selfishness and indifference, they kill love and the familys capacity for success. Some women nag, criticise and undermine their husbands self-image. In disparaging their husbands they have defeated themselves. Instead they should enlarge their mates ego, balm their bruises, lighten their load and excite their enthusiasm. Blame and criticism are venom to marriage. Many conveniently make scapegoats of their mates when things go wrong. You should instead do self-examination and assume full responsibility for your marriage; the more you do that the happier both of you become.
Never confuse reasoning with feeling. On most occasions, clear thinking and not emotion, should prevail. You ignore little irritants at your peril. Wise couples deal promptly with problems before they worsen. A mild grumble may hide annoyance and even anger, and these grievances escalate with time! Dont fight in your marriage, learn to fight for your marriage instead. Try to love, not to win. The win-win arrangement suggested for the business world should be brought home.
Good rapport. A couple should have more to talk about than any two persons on earth! Good rapport clears confusion, distrust and creates a sense of belonging and a powerful bond. Dont overrate your ability as a mind-reader. Avoid misunderstanding at all times by making yourself clear, and by understanding your partner. Communicate. Make your marriage partner your top priority in life, constantly improve your relationship and reinforce your intimacy.
The beauty of friendship. Many couples have forgotten they are not just bread-winners or home-makers, they can be the best of friends and companions, always there through the storms and rainbows. Ironically, many couples are generous, accommodating and courteous to friends and outsiders, but demanding, edgy and impatient with their own spouse! The happiest couple treat each other as best friends, and spend much time together in meaningful plans, work, homebuilding and delightful hobbies. They double joy and cut grief into halves. They see the best in their mates, and they view this excellence as a reflection of themselves, because the best attracts and deserves the best.
Virtues. The essence of love is selflessness. If you want to be assured of true, endless love, you must be a person worthy of such. Acceptance, openness, honesty, kindness and forgiveness are all important attributes. Acceptance means total approval for your mate. Openness lowers defences and allows more intimacy. Honesty leaves no room for doubts and suspicion. Kindness represents many virtues. Forgiveness permits grouches to pass before they become harmful. In a quarrel, the winner should be the first one to say: Im sorry I hurt your feelings, please forgive me. All couples aggravate each other at times, and they should forgive instead of building resentment. Only then can they rekindle their flame and let love flourish again.
A marriage is a delicately balancing seesaw. It is full of give and take with neither side taking advantage of the relationship. This is important especially in matters of finance, where money should be "ours, not mine or yours. A lack of equilibrium will sprout common problems like nagging, undesirable in-laws, sexual incompatibility, grudges and infidelity. None of the pair should struggle for power and dominance. Regardless of each ones speciality, strength and exact efforts, both should operate as equal contributors to the home.
A lasting union. Helen G. Douglas declared, "When a marriage works, nothing on earth can take its place. If both partners freely discuss and decide, give and receive, confide and co-operate, play and plan together, the chances for a permanent love affair are good. Nonetheless they must constantly put into their marriage, work towards harmony, congeniality and a lasting and loving alliance. Here, partners build each others confidence, self-image, and fighting spirit against lifes battles. The feeling of being ONE is superb; it is characterised by mutual glances across a crowded room, shared trials and trills, whims and worries, hindsights and fore-sights.
Experts find that sexual intimacy and religious strengths are the best mix, resulting in couples playing and praying together. If you put God at the centre of your marriage, it will remain alive and well. After years together and the arrival of children it is normal for the initial ecstasy to subside, but this will be nicely substituted by a growing attachment, rooted in years of understanding, support and affection.
"To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part." The Book of Common Prayer.
"What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder." - Matthew 19:6.
"Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it." - Ephesians 5: 28, 29.
"A happy marriage is the world"s best bargain." - Dr. O. A. Battista.
"There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God"s finger on man"s shoulder." - Charles Morgan.
"Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it." - Dr K. Menninger.
"A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple." - Danish proverb.