Chapter 85 A Home Full of Affection and Joy.
The process of growing up, starting a family and living life to its fullest is fun. We go through the 4 stages: Believing in Santa Claus; stop believing in him; being him ourselves; looking like him eventually! Childhood is marvellous, full of affection, innocence, optimism and discovery. The second stage is exciting, with the consolidation of knowledge, skills, career and marriage. Middle age culminates in maturity, progress, prosperity and the great family unit. The last phase graces us with accomplishment, fulfilment and true riches.
No matter which stage we are in, home is where the heart is. It is the core of our existence and our launching-pad towards success. It is our nerve-centre and powerhouse, yet a sanctuary for comfort and renewal. A house is made of walls and beams, a home, of love and dreams! Dr Joyce Brothers rejoiced with the words, "When you look at life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. The united and happy family is Gods greatest gift to mankind. It tends to have all the important basics, like morals, love, the sharing of values and aspiration, time together, good communication, enthusiasm and humour. With these it is a strong and holy entity. Let me elaborate below:
Powerful moral sense. Morality is the basis for integrity, love, patience, forgiveness and happiness. Knowing what is right or wrong holds the family together in virtues, and keeps vices at bay. Without high moral values and spirituality, the family tends to go astray, then things lose their meaning, beauty and excellence.
Love. The greatest happiness in the world is to love and be loved. Make your spouse, parents, brothers and sisters feel adored. When you love someone, you give yourself and make sacrifices, and you want whatever is best for his or her growth and well-being. Empower your loved ones constantly with compliments, encouragement and inspiration; not forgetting pleasant surprises, unexpected gifts and flowers. Consistent help in their career, and comfort and reassurance in times of hardship are priceless. Be a solid pillar of support. Be sensitive and considerate too, give them time alone and help them with household chores. Husbands should continue to court their wives until they are old and grey, with attention, tenderness, dates, weekend outings and nice vacations.
T. de Chardin proclaimed: "Only love can bring individual beings to their perfect completion as individual, because only love takes possession of them by what lies deepest within them. Happiness is incomplete without love, and our devotion to our family should be unconditional and second to none. Sometimes it takes initiative and effort to love someone who doesnt seem to reciprocate fully. Here, you can gain greater strength from Gods love, and remind yourself to give first, in order to receive. A quote from Corinthians 13 in the Bible says, "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Sharing values, passion, goals and achievement. My wife shares a lot of views, interests and dreams with me. We are always making plans for holidays, for a new house, for the children. Over the years, she introduced me to the best songs I have ever heard in my life. She also took me to Hong Kong; to the idyllic resort in Vanuatu in the South Pacific; just the two of us, with the coconut trees, the corals and the deep blue sea. My family enjoy being together, sharing each others hobbies, games and social activities. I am always interested in my childrens assignments and class ranking. I often congratulate them and reward them with little prizes. When I am away, I phone home often and help them with their school projects.
Time together. This should be top priority for the whole household. The family that prays and plays together stays together. Working, dining, picnicking, relaxing, sight-seeing and attending social and religious functions together are most important and delightful. Before my children were born my wife and I had more leisure time and we combed the beaches and river mouths for sea-shells and shrimps and we also caught delicious mud crabs. Then the kids came along, and we had blissful nights picking grasshoppers off grass-stems with torch lights. Later the birds in our aviary and the aquarium fish would snatch them off our fingers.
These days we frequent every park and playground in town. We also play tennis and swim hilariously. We go on shopping sprees and frequent all the libraries, bookstores, music shops and pet shops for new books, songs, fish and birds. At home, my youngest daughter Val would skim through 30 songs in my song book with me. My second daughter Vinny is different, she charms me with her violin and her perfect singing of "Somewhere Out There". My eldest daughter thrills me with her paintings and piano pieces. Whenever I work abroad, I miss all of them and tears sometimes well in my eyes. Time together is so precious that even middle-aged people miss their parents badly after they are dead and gone. G. Jennings said, "Love and time - those are the only two things in all the world and all of life that cannot be bought, but only spent.
Communication and exchange. When I was a kid I often came to dinner with mixed feelings. I enjoyed the wit and humour and the knowledge imparted at the table, but not the occasional reprimand from my Dad. Now I realise the great significance of this daily reunion. It is perhaps the only time of the day when a family is all together, sharing, not just cooking and dish-washing, but ideas, news and plans! It is grand rapport and the familys finest hour.
Communication is the key to participation and understanding. To experience deep and sincere love, we must freely express our feelings. That is part of giving, receiving and lasting intimacy. In an open and trusting relationship, the rewards are greater than the risks; even casual conversation can impart important information. It is best to communicate clearly, and to convey opinions and feelings instead of mere words. Lack of quality and clarity however, may cloud issues, or cause misunderstanding. Generally, the greater the obscurity in communication, the poorer the relationship; but the worst of all is the habit of keeping quiet, which undermines a familys unity and harmony.
Enthusiasm and a sense of humour. Enthusiasm is one of the few magical gifts we can give to our family. It is infectious, it expels negativism and boredom and multiplies pleasure and achievement. Humour is the best medicine. My wife is witty and has a better sense of humour than me, but I make up for it by telling her jokes. Sometimes, we found ourselves in separate cars, and we raced each other to get home first, amidst a lot of cheers and giggles from the kids. When my children were small, on odd occasions we were enraptured by theatricals in our bedrooms. They forced me into my wifes clothes, then they danced in mine. We laughed so hard we were all over the floor. Fun and laughter can make heaven of an ordinary home. The ability to laugh at ourselves and various situations cures worries and weariness. How could we be stingy with merriment for our loved ones? Lets hang loose occasionally instead of taking things seriously. All work and no play makes a dull home, but zest and jest boosts family merriment.
Efforts and sacrifice. Marriage is an empty treasure chest, you must keep on putting something to continuously take things out. You only get what you have invested. Love requires efforts, and we spread love by giving, helping and going the extra mile. It is how you create and mould it, it is not out there well-done for you. It has to be made and remade. Marriage demands sacrifice, where selfishness should be surrendered for mutual gain. The union needs perpetual compromise. It is one of companionship, respect, understanding, and the sharing of goals and dreams. A lack of common ideals and interest can weaken the bond. W. Scott observed, "A good marriage is like an incredible retirement fund. You put everything you have into it during your productive life, and over the years it turns from silver to gold, to platinum.
Little things mean a lot. The longer people live together, the more they take each other for granted. This is bad and shows a lack of concern and care. It deadens the fun and harmony in a relationship. You should instead do things like calling to inform your mate that youll be late, or that youve arrived safely at an overseas destination. A loving word spoken at the right time and place can match the comfort of physical affection. The whole world becomes more beautiful each time you walk hand in hand. Love-notes and surprise gifts do wonders. Occasionally my wife and I leave notes on doors and mirrors that led to hidden presents. Recently, I was away and I had roses delivered to her on Valentines Day, I received her lips imprinted on the incoming fax.
Pleasant surprises like presents and parties are very enchanting; so are novel and spontaneous gestures. Unplanned candle-light dinners and outings to amusement parks and zoos are fun. There are myriad ways of expressing affection. Hugh & Gayle Prather beamed with the words, "Once the mind releases itself into love, there are suddenly a thousand obvious ways to show it. You see, to love and be loved is the greatest joy of human existence.
Respecting and appreciating each other. Respect is central to a happy relationship and is the sign of maturity and wisdom in the family. It is real and deep and different from the type of admiration associated with romance. Without it, ugly things like contempt and taking-things-for-granted, etc, rear their heads, then self-esteem is lost and love is destroyed. The best mates are sensitive and considerate, always adapting to each others moods and fancies. They always know the right time to air annoyance or affection! My wife always knew for example, that I needed time alone for my books and jungle walks; she would stay home and cook me a good meal. I knew she needed time to chat with her folks or play softball with her ex-schoolmates.
We should never belittle or criticise our loved ones, but instead treat them like our best friends, house guests and VIPs; isnt that wonderful. We should highly respect and accommodate their individuality, rights, preferences and idiosyncrasies.
Most things of value require input and effort. An excellent family needs nurturing and care. Lets not forget that psychological gifts are often more valuable and lasting than material gifts. Self-esteem is the most fundamental human need, so we should compliment one another for work well-done. We empower each other by showing appreciation, even for little things. All positives are then accentuated. In this way, we are giving each other the strength to face difficulties ahead, and the spirit to march on. Money can build a mansion, but it takes love to make it a home.
"Nobody has ever measured, even the poets, how much a heart can hold." - Zelda Fitzgerald
"Harmony is pure love, for love is complete agreement." - Lope de Vega.
"If we love each other, nothing matters, come what may. Life to us will bring new hope with every passing day... Alone I halt and falter, but together we go far. Love shall be our guide, our sunset lamp, our morning star." - Patience Strong.