D
Don't tell too much
The skill to communicate is powerful. Of all the human talents, it changes the world more than any other. If you want to change the world, or just your world, you need to be able to communicate and be precise when you do it.
Many people feel they have a whole bunch of negative stuff to tell their friends and they tend to blurt it out all at once. When they unload their brain, it makes them feel better. When you are on the receiving end, it does not help you. It is not a kind thing to do to someone. A conversation with a person like this resembles a lecture more than an exchange.
Everyone falls into this trap at one time. It does not mean you are rude or insensitive. It simply means that in that moment your skills were dim. It is not an automatic thing. There are some skills you need to communicate more effectivity with other humans. Avoid becoming a person who performs loathsome, unscheduled lectures.
I interviewed many singles. The unhappy folks all had a rather depressing back story to tell. Very often these were the first words out of their mouths. These lectures were not very interesting. When you feel the urge to fill a certain someone's day with your sorrows and gripes, you must simply hold your tongue. Perfect strangers don't need your sob stories, either. Vent in your own diary when you have a bad day. Pour this negative and hostile molten lava of emotions into your computer or in your notebook. This is the first skill of Singleship: leave your sad back story at home in your notebook. You may share it with a very, very close confidant, or family member, your parents or save it for your therapist’s office.
Write negative words down, but don't ever speak them.
I have a few lines for you to remember. They will help you set the stage for better exchanges with others. Use them instead of telling your back-story:
"I put the past behind me awhile ago."
"I am right where I am supposed to be."
When you have learned your lines, slip them into your conversation. After you have said these lines, then you simply say this:
"And what about you? Tell me about you."
This is the second skill of Singleship. You must learn to become a good listener.
Deliver your lines, tell your new story and then shut up. Listen to the other person for a while. If you can resist the temptation to impress upon others what you are thinking about in the moment and find out about them first, you will be happier and they will be too. Purse your lips together now and hold your breath. Silently count to ten to remind your mouth that listening helps people.
If you want to connect with anyone, just listen to them.
This is how you begin to make the world a better place. It is a small thing, but an important key to learning about Singleship and learning to control your own thoughts too. Remember that when someone spills their guts, you are seeing the grouping instinct at work. All their sob stories are just one way, not the best way, for them to group with you (the exchange). Take their back-story in stride. Be cool. Give them no advice. It is a way of thinking and acting that can make you happy. This skill is the foundation of your coolness.
One thing happy singles share is the idea that simple preparation for social gatherings or chatting about relationship goals helps them focus on being a better friend to their friends. Yes, it seems weird to practice what you want to say and prepare for simple conversations about your life, but your friends will appreciate this skill more than you can even imagine.
If you don't have your own lines, and you want to describe your current state of Singleship to others, use these:
"I am not looking for a mate right now. I am learning to be happy on my own."
"I just hope to have better communication skills in my next relationship."
"I will probably change my idea of what a good relationship is like before I have another one."
"I am just going to relax and be single and with some friends like you I will be happy on my own for a time."
"I will relax today and focus on romance another day. My new challenge will help me accomplish my long-term goals of __________and ____________."
Keep these sentences close by. Let them rest in your mouth like a new piece of minty-fresh gum. Knowing your lines will free you up to be calmer and listen more effectively to important people in your life. You will not have to think about what you need to say to connect with someone.
You will be kinder to them by using this skill too. This is a great feeling that makes singles happy too. Be generous with your ears.
Tonight you have some basic idea of a purpose, though it may not be complete yet. Practice your lines when you have some extra time.
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