S
Sexual attraction is my body
telling me to procreate. Yikes!
Yikes! Sexual arousal can have many sources, but the original biological intent is to make more humans, not to enjoy intimacy and feel safe. When you have some sexual interest in someone it means that person is Mrs. or Mr. RIGHT NOW! This conflict between the human instinct for sex and the need to group to feel safe is a delicate balancing act for singles.
Some couples can recall love at first sight. But according to most experts, most happy couples develop romantic feelings and respect over time and through shared experiences. Sexual desire between couples can change like the seasons. In a perfect world, the commitment couples make to each other will out last and even overcome the loss of sexual desire for a partner.
But it is not a perfect world indeed. Intensely physical relationships often bloom and bust quickly. Maybe this happens because sex is a bit too over emphasized in modern relationships and some think it equals happiness. A focus on sex will harm any relationship over time.
Couples sometimes feel that there should be no boundaries for sexual activities in the bedroom. Most happy singles I met said that they seek friendship as much as sex and this should come first and set the boundaries for sex.
When you see a very close couple you know that the friendship they share is the most important thing about the relationship. Sex will never rule this friendship. It is always the other way around. The skills you learn in Singleship will help you build this kind of special romantic friendship with another person someday. These skills will give you the insight to make a partner happy and keep your sex life and romance very interesting with a long-term partner.
Our western culture heralds sex as the greatest thing you can do with your body. This is really not so. Sex is big business, but the sex you see on television and the Internet (especially the pornography there) is sort of an urban legend.
The best explain I ever read of why pornography is popular is because it represents people in unequal relationships and this causes a conflict. Oddly enough, this came from a book about writing fiction from a fine writing teacher (see my reading list on the back of this book). The author compares and equates pornography to such famous urban legends as the suburban woman who puts her shivering poodle in the microwave just to warm it up a bit.
This is the type of urban lie that sounds plausible and maybe even believable because of the unequal relationship between the woman wealth and her intelligence. I really don’t do it justice here so find the book and get it from the source. For our purposes building an equal relationship with a partner is the goal. Sexual fantasies are, in fact, the definition of the unequal sexual relationship.
An intense friendship with another person and shared goals will translate into a happy life and better sexual experiences.
Respect and equality seems to trump just about everything. According to some experts, if you and your lover are sort of “in awe” of each other for who they are and what they do in life that seems really deliver great sex. This kind of respect is what all the therapist and “love doctors” are writing about. Again, sex is an area where humans would like the believe that intellect can guide them into pure happiness.
There are of course other factors that control us in romance: attractiveness is probably the most confusing one.
Concepts of beauty are changing all the time. I think we are blasted with so many symbols of sexy people from various sources that the idea of beauty is founded in the symbols of people in the media and are not real. The old adage that beauty is skin deep should be renewed as: beauty is the symbols you see.
People are viewed as much more attractive when their features are more symmetrical. Fashion, body types, and all the things that make someone "easy on the eyes" revolve around elements of symmetry. The idea comes from evolutionary theory. The unique features and location of facial components, the nose, mouth, cheeks and chin, determine the surface level attractiveness of any person. These symbols are first recognized because as children we have seen them in simple drawings or from the features of parents and relatives. So, when you are sexually attracted to someone you don't know, you are most likely laying the symbols you have seen in the past over someone new.
Visual artists, like painters, use this idea of symmetry and angles to fool the eye and alter perspective. Fashion, hairstyles and make-up often mask the face and body so that the person appears to have more symmetrical features. This enhances their confidence when they are more symmetrical and more attractive. It also makes people do some rather foolish things sometimes to feel more attractive. Before you try something new always ask yourself if you feel attractive without the new thing.
Tonight write what you like about an actor or actress you think is attractive. Do their features seem to fit the theory or not?
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