Do you feel stuck in relationships that aren’t working for you? Are you sacrificing yourself, your time and your pleasure or constantly bending over backwards to please others, believing it will bring you joy and happiness? Are you tired of over giving, people pleasing, feeling abused, emotionally neglected and fearful to speak up because it might come out confrontational?
One of the absolutely all time biggest problems women face is setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with others and I know because I had to learn how to set healthy boundaries with everyone including myself! I grew up in a wild and crazy home of alcohol addiction, gambling, and hoarding. Man I tell you that it’s amazing my sister and I didn’t end up on the streets as hookers or hooked on drugs or some kind of crazy story because the odds were not in our favor. I’m not sharing this for wanting a pity party; I am sharing it simply to inspire you because I believe the majority of family’s today are dysfunctional. Addiction is everywhere, porn addiction, food addiction, sex addiction, addiction to negativity, narcissists who only think of themselves, alcohol and drug addiction and obsessive- compulsive behavior. All of these are symptoms of a Godless society and the numbers are only climbing. Dysfunctional families will continue to create dysfunctional families until people choose to take their Power Back and break the mold.
One of the most common complaints I hear from women who suffer in relationships with controlling and emotionally abusive people is that they feel alone and they don’t really feel seen or heard. That’s because the abuser actually has a fantasy fairy tale in their mind about who you are instead of seeing and hearing you for you! They have a little doll idea of what you are supposed to be, how to act and behave. When you don’t behave correctly, the rage comes flying out to make you conform to this perverted and twisted idea of what you are supposed to be like. Another common complaint is that victims of these relationships never really feel seen or heard. That was my biggest complaint. I never felt really seen, heard, or understood and it baffled me completely. I ended up thinking that there was something wrong with me!
That I believe is a symptom of growing up in an alcoholic home. The phenomena that when children are exposed to it at an early age, teaches children shame and guilt. Kids somehow think it is their fault that the alcoholic is sick and excuses should be made. I also liken it to brainwashing or programming, it needs to be unlearned and replaced with knowledge and appropriate responses to the here and now rather than guilt. Guilt can be confused with empathy, feeling sorry for a person and trying to make it better. Children of alcoholics are always believing that somehow, the alcoholic will wake up healed and life gets better. Sadly, more often than not it is a degenerative disease meaning it only gets worse. This is when there is a blurring of boundaries. Either no boundaries are imposed or the boundaries become too big then children push everyone away and they isolate themselves, which is just as unhealthy. Children don’t know they even need boundaries to learn about what is appropriate.
For myself I know I had developed dysfunctional relationship coping mechanisms and patterns. For example to get love, I had to ignore part of my feelings and myself. I had this personal agreement with myself that went like, “Always at all costs, another’s feelings are more important than mine,” and “I can’t really get what I want.”
Now these are not conscious decisions that I remember making but make them I did because I relived them and recreated them over and over and over again until I discovered how to undo those agreements and the affects of them showing up in my life. It was extremely frustrating to recreate those same patterns in my relationships over and over again.
After reading the book Controlling People by Patricia Evans, it put many things into perspective. I realized I was not crazy, or damaged or weird. Rather, I was entwined in something really unhealthy - a pattern I had learnt and I could unlearn. It was very empowering, - but only after feeling as if I was living in a sci-fi movie! I swear it was such a trip to take my Power Back! If you’re in a controlling relationship, this is where the deep healing emerges and I really recommend to anyone reading this who thinks they might be in over their heads, (heck you might be nodding your head right now thinking YES, YES, YES! That’s me,) go and pick up a copy of Patricia’s book it’s awesome!
This was the first book that I read that went into great detail about the trauma that arises when living with controlling people, how to identify them and heal the broken pieces within you that are entwined in the vicious loop of abuse. Some of the topics cover disconnection, training, trying, trauma, how the loop begins and how it affects you. The book explains further, the reason controlling people never really see or hear you or really get you.
In Chapter 16, “Plugged in and Powerless”, Patricia explains how we get trapped in relationships like these and why they are extremely hard to break away from. She says that the controller is also stuck because their self, their identity would disappear once there is no one to control.
What was a real eye opener was her insight and tips that identify the control tactics and then how to break the, “Spell”. By breaking the spell, this is how you Take Your Power Back and not remain a victim in a controlling abusive relationship. The content of this book floored me and an internal shift changed me forever.
Now when someone flies into a rage we are talking about the extreme when your boundaries are pushed aside. It certainly doesn’t need to get to a rage stage to feel like you’re being trampled on and most of the time women allow themselves to be used as doormats. I had a conversation with a woman today, a highly intelligent and smart woman entrepreneur who has even worked for the United Nations and she like many women who come to see me complained that she works and works tirelessly giving out proposals to companies. She over gives and wears herself out and then people don’t pay her. She’s a classic example of a nice people pleaser.
I had a marketing mentor, Adam Urbanski share with me many years ago some words that have stuck with me since then, so it’s worth repeating.
He said, “Your business is your sandbox, if people don’t play by your rules, you kick’em out!” Meaning you teach your clients how to play by your rules or they don’t get to play with you!
It’s the same with life. You must be radically honest with your feelings and have the courage to place healthy boundaries with others. How do you know if you need to speak up and say something? You know because you feel bothered and it is usually over and over by the exact same kind of people. Life keeps throwing you the same lesson until you get it, there’s no escaping it!
Some women simply refuse to communicate when they are displeased. Instead of staying open and communicating, they shut down. Women have been taught to comply, sacrifice, do unto others and serve. Over time, women get resentful and angry and hurt in the process. We’ll I’m here to tell you that you can best serve, by serving yourself first!
In my own experience, I noticed a tendency when I wouldn’t like something someone would do, especially men; I would simply shut down, stop the conversation, and ignore their texts and messages. It was too much of a problem, for me and I felt so awkward expressing what I wanted or explaining my displeasure that I just wouldn’t do it and in short I learnt that I was also taking away the opportunity for these men to show up and be real men, fix the problem and make me happy.
I did that because I didn’t want to make them feel bad and I didn’t think they would respond well to my criticisms or requests. I didn’t believe my requests would be heard because I was not used to having my requests met. I was used to being made to feel wrong for even having needs! Such is life with controlling people. It’s a crazy place to be. Instead, I just shut up, ate it and ate it until I exploded or, I’d find myself alone because I would simply go through men until they would make a mistake. Rather than tell them or ask for what I really wanted, I lived in story land in my head and judged the heck out of them. They really had no chance at all.
This is a pattern women fall into and it’s very damaging because it ruins relationships. What I recommend is to be courageous and simply communicate what it is that displeases you. Especially with men. Men want to know what’s wrong - they are intuitive but they don’t call it that. They don’t know they are intuitive but they feel when something is off.
I like to use the sandwich method when communicating displeasure. A request goes like this. Start with a slice of something great something you love, next the raw meat (tell it like it is) how it makes you feel and then another slice of something nice to finish it off.
For example, I got a text from a friend – a guy friend whom I was seeing and we were flirting back and forth until he sent me something a little over the top! It was rude, crude, and too sexual and I felt ewwwww!! Well, I didn’t respond for a few days… but I kept thinking about it. It became an open energy leak loop.
So here was my reply, “Hey [name], its fun flirting with you and I enjoy it but that last comment was a little over the top. It made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe that’s just the way it goes with texting a lot gets twisted. I’d much rather you call me and we have a chat LIVE on the phone. Hope you’re having a great weekend! Vanessa.
BOOM now the ball is in your court dude. How are you going to deal with, manage, and answer that? You get to see how the person responds, do they take responsibility for how it made you feel, and do they not respect you, ignore you and become defensive? Being open and willing to communicate with radical honesty saves you so much energy. Next time you get your feathers ruffled by someone or someone’s behavior, stop, breath and instead of reacting right away try the sandwich method. Communicate radical honesty and ask for what you want instead.
Having the ability to speak up and say something is simply the result of a decision you made long ago. In the types of families that have children seen and not heard, women sacrificing and taking care of their men or the family comes first, what decision did you make around speaking up and voicing your opinions? Where does it say women need to suffer in order to be loved? That’s got to be the hardest program! Usually children with hypercritical parents suffer with an, I’m not good enough complex. These children always strive to be good enough, over achieving and people pleasing. Please yourself! Forget about everyone else, take it to God or the spirit and have it out! The first step to taking your Power Back is to stop negotiating your feelings with everyone and stop rationalizing that other people’s feeling are more important than yours!!!?! Hello! What is that about?
Manipulators will always try and make you think that you are wrong for feeling the way that you do. They get you to second-guess yourself so you can never feel confident about your feelings. Watch out! Chances are if you have trouble making boundaries you might have grown up with a critical or overly manipulative parent. Run the other way with people like that! NEVER negotiate your feelings. If you’re having a conversation with anyone, I don’t care if it’s your mother, your brother, your uncle, your husband or your girlfriend, if they don’t respect your feelings or they don’t hear you, you would be better off talking to a brick wall. This is serious. What’s the point of trying to communicate with people who don’t acknowledge you? Yet so many women do this. They engage with people who are unable and unwilling to change or do anything to accommodate you and your feelings because it’s all about them.
Oprah made a statement that I’ll never forget. She quoted Dr. Maya Angelou who said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” How often do you get into relationships with people you know are going to cause you trouble but you do it without thinking! Women are classic in the way they think, “Oh he or she will change if they love me.” Uhnn, no way Jose! That’s a decision to suffer right there.
It takes nerve to tell people what doesn’t feel right. Keep in the forefront of your mind that you don’t need other people’s approval in order to thrive in the world. You only need your own approval! God approves of you! You won’t get it out there and usually when you finally do speak up you see that the fear of the consequences were actually greater than the act itself. Meaning your mind is holding you hostage with a fear that sometimes doesn’t even exist. My challenge for you is to turn your attention back to you for a minute. Ask five people today for some help, ask for assistance, ask for what you need. Have the courage to walk on the wild side, stand up and ask for what you need for once. Turn the tables on people. You will see exactly what kind of people you are dealing with when you begin to assert yourself. If you don’t like the batch of friends or colleagues you have, then get a new set!
Decide to attract new people into your life that appreciate, honor, love, respect cherish and adore you just the way you are! You need people who get you, understand you and who are fun, a pleasure to be around and easy to communicate with! Decide you are not going to put up with people who continuously trample your boundaries. If you tell someone how you feel and they continually step over the line then they aren’t hurting you, you are. Stop putting yourself in their pathway, in their line of fire. Decide you deserve much better than that and let those people go so you can make room for the kind of people you want to be playing with!
Make a list of the people you need to create new boundaries with. It can be a list of people you are afraid of, procrastinate on dealing with or even cringe at the thought of having to connect with. Make a list of these people and decide what you are no longer willing to do anymore. Pick up the phone, write a text, send an email and voice your feelings. Express yourself and request something new.
Tell them, “I’m feeling like xyz and I am requesting that you xyz.” Open the doorway to communication, practice being open and asking for what you need and deserve. Look fear straight in the face and say, “I AM BIGGER THAN YOU!”
Why? Because you are the boss of your life. You decide to give your power away or to align with who and what you really are, as the channel and vessel for God or the spirit. Honor that, honor yourself and your intuition, speak up to those around you, take the challenge to communicate your boundaries or ask for something you need from five people today and test out your limitations. You’ll see they are nothing more than a fart in a windstorm, I promise!