Introducing Day 5, Week 1
Welcome to day 5. Today, you’ll doubtless be glad to know, we get to some stuff that you’ve got to start. We start on the building you back up exercises. Before we do that however, we are going to finish off the stop it now’s around any sex that you might be getting, and we’ll also take a quick look back at what we covered yesterday…
Summarizing what we learnt yesterday
So how did you get on with the first exercise? The one that was about making your partner feel safe? Did you give her much, or indeed any, of your time last night? Did you open up a bit? Did you try and tell her some of the sorts of things that you don't normally?
So, did you observe your partner yesterday in terms of what she does for you and for your family around the house? What sort of stuff did she do? Was there something that you could take over from her? Did you ask if there was anything that you could do to help out? If not, then go beyond just observing today, and actually ask if you can help her with anything, or just help out by going and doing one of those things that you observed yesterday.
Did you ogle other women yesterday? If so how did you get on doing this subtly? Was your partner with you? Did you see her looking at you as you ogled?
Drink. Did you consider the drinking exercise that I set yesterday? Nope, this wasn’t an exercise to drink more, it was one to drink less - if you drink too much already. Did you drink less last night? If you did then well done. Perhaps you could try and do the same again tonight as well?
Hobbies and interests. Did you come to any conclusions on your hobbies and interests? How similar did you decide that you are to your partner? Did you have a think about some hobbies and interests of your own that you could do? Did you think the words 'happy balance'? Did you remember that rejecting your partners demands for sex in favour of your own hobbies and interests really isn't a good thing?
Your house and your bedroom - how did you get on taking a look around? Did you spot stuff that you really should be clearing up? If so did you clear it up? Did you think 'romantic environment' as you did so? How is your side of the bed looking? Is it clear and clutter free?
So did you have a good think about the stuff that you do which might be grossing your partner out? Did you stop doing that gross stuff? If you did well done. You won't have noticed any difference in your partner of course, but it will definitely help, I can promise you that.
To do list. How did you get on with your to do list? Did you have a think about stuff that you'd promised your partner you'd get done? Is there stuff on that to-do list that you needed to get done? If so did you get just one thing done on it yesterday? Maybe go do another today.
Did you talk with anyone about your partner yesterday? Did you say to the person that you were talking with only the stuff that you'd say if your partner were there with you? If so well done, continue with the same behaviour today. If not - try doing so today please. Don't take the risk of bad stuff that you've said to someone else getting back to your partner. It’s really not worth it.
Okay, well done. Now, let’s get on with today’s topics. We’ll start by finishing off the ‘getting some sex’ stop it now’s…
Quit the “did you come”?
If, having had sex with your partner, you are regularly asking her if she came then can I make a suggestion that you put a stop to this! Why?...
Well first and foremost it’s putting pressure on your partner, too much pressure.
Secondly you’ll be taking away from the experience of sex with you if she hasn’t come, and she feels that she has failed for you.
By asking her if she’s come and then looking all expectantly at her, she’s unlikely then to want to ruin the mood and say “no”, ie she might just lie to you, and neither of you really want that. Do you?
If your partner takes this question as pressure on her to come, then this pressure in itself may well be stopping her coming! If she’s wanting to have an orgasm for you too much (with the words ’for you’ being the key ones here) then she may be trying too hard and this will not help matters.
Okay, I’ll stop, but what then?
Quit the assumption that in order to enjoy sex your partner has to have an orgasm. Women are different to men in this regard, you may need to come in order to be satisfied in bed, but your partner will more likely be perfectly satisfied by the simple fact that you are both having some closeness together. Now I grant you that later on I’ll talk a lot about how you can help bring your partner to orgasm, and therefore at that point it might look like I’m totally contradicting myself, so I’m not suggesting that you should forget altogether about your partner’s orgasm, but for your partner it’s more than likely to also be about connecting sexually with you, being intimate with you and what an intimate love session does for your longer term relationship.
Along those same lines throw these two questions at your head and mull them round for a bit… By asking the “did you come?” question of your partner are you looking to find out if your partner is satisfied in bed? Or do you want to know that she’s had an orgasm? Your partner may not go on the simple equation of ‘satisfaction = orgasm’. Have a think about the difference between the two, it doesn’t mean that just because your partner hasn’t had an orgasm that she isn’t satisfied in bed.
Take a look at yourself as well please - if you want to know if your partner had an orgasm then ask yourself why you want to know the answer to this question? Is it for your own satisfaction and confirmation of your prowess, your ego being satisfied? If it is then quit being so damned egotistical and self-centred! It won’t help you get more sex.
Instead of having the goal of you and her having to have an orgasm at the end of the experience have a goal of making sex more fun instead.
If you absolutely can’t help yourself and you just have to ask then try these questions instead: “do you need more?” or “are you satisfied?”.
What’s worked before may not work again
Now I’ll guess that if you’ve been with your current partner for a while this absolutely won’t apply, but just in case it doesn’t, or you haven’t been with your current partner for long, or just on the off chance you haven’t considered this at all - then please remember that your current partner will not be the same in bed as your previous partner. What your last partner enjoyed may well not work with your current partner.
Sex as a tool
If you are using sex as a tool to mend other broken areas in your relationship then please know right now that this isn’t going to help you get more sex. If you need this explaining then I can give you an example of; perhaps, you being really nice to your partner when you are in bed together, but then when you are out of bed with her you are being horrible to her.
Permission granted, not
This one’s a bit blunt and to the point – but it’s well worth reminding you that your partner giving you a blow job is not her giving you permission to come in her mouth! (a) Please remember that your partner will want some satisfaction too - having put all that effort it and (b) some women really won’t like this at all.
Her clit is not the same as your cock
We’ll talk a lot more about your partner’s clit later on when we get to the daily ‘getting better at sex tips’, so at this point in the process I’d like you to take just the one thing away please – and that is to; stop thinking of the clit as being either (a) a magic button! or as (b) a miniature penis. It will need very different handling to your cock. You’ll just have to hang on in there for more info, we will get there, so for the moment just mull that thought around please.
Pill pressure
Do not pressure your partner to go on the pill. How would you like to fill your body with a concoction of chemicals that you aren’t sure 100% what they are doing to you just for the satisfaction and pleasure of your partner? I don’t think I need to spell this out, but just in case I do (and apologies this is going to be somewhat blunt again) please read this as “you get to come inside your partner without a condom and she gets to fill her body with lots of unknown drugs”. There I said it was blunt. Lecture now over…
Quit criticising the sex
Sorry to be so honest – but if you are so stupid as to be criticising your partner about the sex that you are having, or indeed aren’t having, then you are quite likely to be killing sex. It’s that simple. It is not going to do your sex life any good whatsoever to be critical with your partner about the sex that you are having, or indeed aren’t having, if you're doing this then stop it! It’s for your own good and your partner’s mental wellbeing.
Pubic hair, hers
How your partner ‘wears’(!) her pubic hair is her decision. Don't pressure her to go for a style that you want her to have, ‘you’ being the operative word here. It’s more than enough that women have a truck load pressures in life already on the things that everyone else sees (ie looking thin and beautiful with fabulous clothes, perfect makeup and the right handbag, etc.), than also attending to some other part of her body that only you and her see. Waxing or shaving her pubic hair into the perfect shape that you are after will more than likely cause her discomfort and possibly some pain as well. So quit pressuring your partner to do anything to her pubic hair that she doesn’t want to do - and if you put yourself in her shoes would you really want that pain and discomfort just to please your partner in the pubic hair department? Now, I don’t know you, but I’ll hazard a guess that that’s unlikely.
Quit the pressure to be wet
Stop being critical if your partner’s body isn’t getting turned on enough to be wet for you. Why?...
Well for starters you can’t take your partners wetness as an indicator of how aroused she is anyway, it’s just not a reliable source. Just because she is wet it doesn’t mean that she is aroused, and likewise just because she isn’t wet it doesn’t mean that she isn’t aroused.
Just because there may also be other external physical signs of your partner being aroused, ie her erect nipples, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she is aroused, ie her having erect nipples may just be as a result of the cold for example. Don’t get the wrong message and act incorrectly on it because, and it’s a message that I’ll keep repeating, if you don’t get your partner emotionally aroused first before touching her then you will more than likely just put her off altogether!
Now with this next point we’re assuming that your partner doesn’t have a medical issue that means that she can’t self-lubricate, but potentially if she isn’t getting wet for you then you also need to take a good hard look at what you aren’t doing to get her ‘wet’. If you need that spelt out more clearly – perhaps there’s more that you could be doing to help turn your partner on and to get her wet.
Stop it now’s done – well done! So, before we move on…
Phew, we’re there, you’ve got to the end of all that stuff that you’re being asked to stop doing, we can finally move you on to where you can start being built back up. However - if you haven’t read all of the stop it now’s, if you’ve skipped stuff then stop right there. You are a very bad boy, and you need to go back and read them all. Why? Because you might have missed something important and, more importantly, something fundamental that will quite frankly be a vital ground rule that you need to get right first. That’s why.
So, assuming that you have read them all and that you’ve completed all of the exercises, before we get on with the next steps there’s just a few more things I’d like you to have a think about please:
If you’ve read all of the stop it now’s, then you also need to have been really honest with yourself about each one. When you read each did you need to act on any of them? Because, if you did and you’ve made those changes for the better then by now your partner should not be withholding sex from you out of spite. And that’s a really good thing.
From here on in I need you keep a check on yourself every day please, take stock of your behavior on a regular basis. Because if you are doing some of the bad stuff that I’ve suggested that you stop then it’s quite possible that this isn’t going to help your partner in wanting to be as close with you as you’d like. All of these new things you’re learning need to become your mantra, you can't just stop doing the things I’ve suggested that you stop when you want sex, it’s just not that simple I’m afraid. It’s got to be permanent stopping.
A great man called Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, came up with the brilliant concept of the ‘emotional bank account’, and it’s one that I’d like to introduce to you now if you haven’t heard of it already, because this one concept may well help focus your mind around what you’ve just learnt. What is an emotional bank account? Well, the following, taken from Stephens online blog is a good intro to it:
“I sometimes use the metaphor of an Emotional Bank Account. Like a financial bank account, you can make deposits and take withdrawals from the account.”
This might make sense if we put it into context with what you’ve just learnt - if you are currently doing any of the bad things that I’ve suggested that you stop doing then you are making bad withdrawals from your partner’s emotional bank account. The remainder of the course is now about putting deposits into your partners emotional bank account, ie you doing good things for your partner are deposits, bad things are negative withdrawals. Why should you give a monkeys about your partners emotional bank account? Simple really, the more deposits you make the more your partner will be happy to jump into bed with you to make some positive withdrawals from that bank account with you! ie sex.
Just one more thing on this I promise, then we’ll get on – let’s say you are making what you are thinking are lots of nice deposits into her emotional bank account. I’d ask you please to just make sure that they are deposits in both your eyes and your partners - they may not be enough of a deposit in your partner’s eyes to fill that bank account up enough to give you carte blanche to make withdrawals. Sound a bit damned tricky to work out what’s going to be enough? Fair enough, simply try and put yourself in your partner’s shoes as much as possible to ensure that the emotional deposit in your eyes matches the emotional deposit in your partner’s eyes too.
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So, from here on in it should only be either (a) a relationship, (b) a relaxation or (c) a closeness thing that’s stopping you getting more sex. So read on and we’ll get you some help with these things too, as we’re now going to look at the stuff that I’m going to suggest that you need to start…
Stuff that you ought to be starting…
This next section is all about you enriching your partner’s life with a bit of what she wants and needs and in return she should be way more willing to enrich your life with a little of what you want and need. Again I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out, but this should = sex.
What you are building on here is you starting to do nice things for your partner - but with these ones you are doing even nicer things. In theory then you should be able to see that your partner will be doing nice stuff for you in return. Or at least she’ll start to be outwardly looking more open to the concept.
You may well struggle to see what some of these next set of concepts / ideas / tips have to do with you getting more sex. So I need you to think of sex as a building please. You wanting more sex with your partner is the same as you wanting to put up a sodding great skyscraper, preferably 100 stories high, with great views, aircon and a swimming pool on the roof. Now there’s no way that you’d even think about building that great building without some fairly meaty foundations, firstly the building wouldn’t get far of the ground without falling over or sinking, and if you did miraculously manage to get to the 100th floor it wouldn’t stand up long to the daily crap that life was about to start throwing at it. All of the stop it now’s that we’ve just covered were your planning permission, and the start it now’s that we are about to start covering off are your foundations and your steel superstructure to keep your building upright and together.
With all (!) that in mind, let’s begin…
Create the connection
By now, if you’ve been a good boy and read all of the stop it now’s you’ll have heard the word connection a good number of times, and you’ll have got the concept that creating a connection between you both is one of those really important foundation things that has to be in place before more sex can even be popped onto the cards. So it might seem odd that we are only now properly introducing the concept of creating a connection as a really important thing. This is mainly because this is a start it now, and up till now everything has been stuff which you need to stop doing. I’ll quit with the waffling and get to some good stuff…
Firstly – and if you really need it – what is this connecting thing that I am wittering on about? Well - in summary it can be defined as ‘creating intimacy between you and your partner’ or ‘bridging the emotional gap between you both’.
So why do you need to connect to your partner? For a number of reasons…
In simple terms - if you work on the connection between you and your partner outside of the bedroom - then when you are both inside the bedroom your partner will be much more receptive to your touch and your suggestion for intimacy.
It’s more than likely that your partner will have a need to feel connected to you in order to be in the right place to want to have sex, again, it really is that simple.
When there are communication issues in a relationship the sex is going to suffer.
All the stuff that you may previously have thought of as nonsense, like; holding hands, talking, candles, nice romantic meals, etc. are all, ultimately, the groundwork that you need to do for sex to be a possibility later on. By doing all of this good connecting stuff you are stirring the hormones in your partners bod that will eventually get stirred up enough to put her in the right place to want have sex with you. And in women you can stir those hormones by simple things such as touch, candles, a nice quiet meal together, etc.
So how do you connect better with your partner?
Connecting with your partner is a thing that you do daily. Examples of the sorts of things that you can do to connect with your partner would be; talking with her regularly, appreciating her, making time for her, making her a cup of tea in bed, spending time snuggled up together on a night, listening to her, touch, etc.
So, starting at day nine and stretching up until day twenty five I’m going to be introducing you to two connecting tip’s per day. Each one will help you get to know one another other better again. These tips will start slowly and build up in their connecting intensity, and they’ll be set as exercises for you to try out that day.
Bear with each exercise that’s set you, because whilst the first ones may seem totally unrelated to you getting more sex, they will absolutely build up to the point where you’ll start to see the point in doing them to get to where you ultimately want to be. However you can’t skip the starting ones, just to get to the ones that you can see the point in. So I’ll try and explain to you why each connecting tip is important to you getting more of what you want.
Connecting with your partner requires that you be intimate with her, so, before we move on I just wanted to take a second to tell you that there is a difference between ‘bonding’, what men do, and ‘connecting’, which is what women do.
To that end then – when you are out and about with your partner watch how she connects with other women – she’ll more than likely be doing this automatically and it will be a really easy thing for her to do – it’s just a woman thing. So get observing, and when you see what you think you recognise as connecting going on implant the tip in your head and remember it for when you need to do your own connecting to your partner.
Women don’t have to have a purpose for a conversation
One of the vital differences between men and women, and something that I’m sorry to say that you will just have to get used to, is that for a woman there doesn’t have to be a purpose to having a conversation, some of the time she's just going to want to talk for the sake of it, it’s just what womankind does in order to connect.
At this point it’s also worth noting that women do their thinking and their feeling out loud, whereas you, for example, may do all of your thinking quietly to yourself in your head. Your partner may well want to go through her thought process with you out loud.
When this happens to you I’m going to suggest the following please:
Firstly, don’t tut, walk off, roll your eyes or get defensive when she says that she wants to talk or if she’s been wittering on at you too long for your liking. Your partner may say to you, for example, “let’s switch off the TV, we haven’t talked in a while”, when this happens - chill out, go with it, it’s just that your partner wants to talk, she wants to connect - by talking you are connecting, and by starting to connect you are getting closer to what you want.
Secondly, change your thinking on what your partner talking at you is, remember that difference between men and women, it’s just your partners way of doing things - she thinks and processes out loud, you don’t, that’s just the way it is, let her get on with it, and remember to employ your listening skills: a quick reminder if you need one; let her speak without you interrupting her, maintain eye contact, respond to what your partners saying so she at least knows that you’ve been listening.
Finally, and this one is a last resort, and should only be used if you really aren’t in the right place to chat, but it’s a good one to have up your sleeve… if your partner says that she wants to talk, and you really don’t want to, then you could try asking “is there something specific that you wanted to talk about?” then at least you’ll know either way if the conversation is going to have a purpose. If there’s no purpose to the conversation, then maybe it means that your partner simply wants to connect, and for what you want connecting is only a good thing.
Become a good listener
Having understood why it’s very good to talk, let’s look at a skill that you need in abundance for a good talking session, and yep, you are reading this right, I am suggesting that one of the important steps in you getting more sex is to become a ‘better listener’. Now how on earth is that going to work? Why do you need to become a better listener?
Well, firstly it will help you to build rapport with your partner, and you need rapport to even get close to the bedroom.
Secondly, actually listening to your partner shows her that you support her.
Third, it will help you better understand what your partner expects of you and you’ll find underlying meanings in what she is saying and asking. Bear with this one, just go with it and we’ll refer back to it later when we talk about something called ‘The List’.
It will help you work together, and work better, to resolve any problems, either between you both, or with any issues that your partner may have entirely outside of your relationship, ie that are nothing to do with you. Any problems, especially those in your relationship, are going to play on your partners mind and leave less room in there for other thoughts. Hence why it’s important that you actually hear them so that you can then work on them.
By listening you are showing her that you care, and your partner definitely needs to know that you care. Why, well for starters being l