Appendix – Causes of low sexual desire
This course works primarily on (a) fixing relationship issues that may be stopping your partner wanting as much sex as you and (b) how you can help your partner get into the right place to desire sex with you. What it doesn’t cover in the main body of the course however is other possible reasons why you may not be getting as much sex as you’d like. I’m going to refer to these other possible reasons as ‘causes of low sexual desire’. These might be issues that you can’t ‘fix’ through changing your behaviours or improving your relationship because they are medical issues, or issues from your partners past, for example. I detail these here to help you get you that little bit more informed. Perhaps you’ve tried everything in the course and it simply hasn’t worked, in which case this is a great place to start in your quest for answers.
The list of possible causes of low sexual desire is quite a long list! And it’s not there to scare you, although it probably will! as it’s potentially possible to apply a good number of these issues to your partner. So I simply list them here for the reason that if you understand the possible reasons it will ensure that you are better equipped to help both you and your partner deal with and get past the issues. The list is ordered alphabetically.
Before we begin – a disclaimer - all content provided within this appendix is for general information only, and it should not be treated as a substitute for the medical advice of your own doctor or any other health care professional. The publishers disclaim any responsibility for the accuracy of such information and opinions and are not to be held responsible or liable for any diagnosis made by anyone using this information. You and your partner should always consult your doctor if you are in any way concerned about either your or your partner’s health.
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Abuse as a child; sexual, physical, or emotional
The number of children that are either sexually abused or molested in the world is quite high. Most topics in this appendix are beyond its scope, including this one, but if your partner has suffered with this in her past you may need to assist her with finding other forms of professional help. If this has happened to your partner she may…
Still carry the traumatic experiences with her.
Have unresolved feelings about these experiences that are seen in your relationship.
Have a hard time leaving the experiences in the past.
Find intimacy unappealing and potentially threatening.
Have flashbacks during any sexual encounter with you.
Find that sex is something that she would prefer to avoid rather than pursue.
Alcohol
In its mildest form drinking too much alcohol can make you both sleepy and can reduce sensitivity to touch. Alcoholism, either on your part or that of your partner would, obviously, be a cause of lack of sexual desire. If you have issues with alcohol and your partner doesn’t then this would put your partner off of you generally, let alone wanting to have sex with you. And if your partner had issues with alcohol then likewise that could well cause a lack of sexual desire.
Anger
Your partners anger towards you
If your partner has anger towards you then please consult this topic on day two of the course as a first step. But to note that anger is absolutely a first class desire dampener.
Your anger towards life and towards your partner
Again the topic on day two of the course will help with this, but please know that being an ‘angry’ person is not a good thing to be when trying to successfully seduce your partner, but also for a successful, loving, intimate relationship generally.
Anti-depressant drugs
Research on antidepressant drugs, or “Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors” (SSRI), which include drugs such as Prozac (fluoxetine), Paxil (paroxetine), and Zoloft (sertraline), has concluded that adverse sexual side effects with the drugs may be much more common than originally believed. So, if your partner is on an SSRI and you're having issues with your sex life, or your partner has an inability to get aroused or difficulty reaching orgasm, then it's a possibility that the medicine might be to blame. If this is the case then you should both be talking with your partner’s doctor about it.
Anti-histamines, drug
A less well known side effect of some allergy drugs with antihistamines is depression. The sedatives in antihistamines can potentially make any existing feelings of depression worse. And if an allergy medicine that your partner is on has that depressive effect then obviously it can also decrease her sex drive. Of course, the allergy itself could also be so severe that it's dramatically reducing your partners desire for sex with you, but if you suspect that her low libido is as a result of the allergy drugs then the first thing to do is to talk with your doctor about it. He or she may be able to suggest allergy treatments that won’t affect your partner’s mood.
Antihypertensives
First off what are an “Antihypertensives”? - they are a class of drugs that are used to treat hypertension (high blood pressure). Research has found that whilst taking antihypertensive drugs patients have reported both a reduction of sexual desire and issues with sexual intercourse. If your partner is taking such drugs and has a lower sexual desire then the best person to discuss this with in the first instance is your doctor.
Bad experiences in the past
Painful memories of past sexual, physical or emotional abuses can be a cause of low sexual desire in your partner, see above topic titled ‘Abuse as a child; sexual, physical, or emotional’ for more detail. Other experiences from your partner’s past that may have traumatized her can potentially trigger bad feelings that have lasting effects. Your partner may not even be aware of the extent to which past negative experiences have affected her emotionally. She may…
Not enjoy being touched by anyone, let alone you.
Have a hard time letting her guard down and relaxing with you.
Experience flashbacks to the event/s in question which could be seen during sex with you.
Potentially even fear any intimacy with you at all.
Have feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety and / or anger as a result, all of which may dampen sexual desire.
Okay, that’s in the past, let’s look forward…
These feelings don't have to hold your partner as a prisoner.
Your partner can absolutely do something about them by finding professional help.
It’s quite possible that she may feel ashamed to talk to anyone about what has happened to her in the past but you can help her too; by not allowing this shame to hold her back.
There are plenty of very well trained therapists out there that are more than capable of helping your partner get over unresolved feelings that could be the cause of low sexual desire.
Likewise – don’t assume that any past, bad, experiences are the cause of low sexual desire. There are many other possible reasons why your partner experiences low sexual desire that could have absolutely nothing to do with any issues in her past.
If you can assist your partner by helping her to see that the most important thing is not what has happened, but the meaning that she has assigned to it, then that should assist matters. But professional help is still the best course of action.
Try not to let your partner label herself as “damaged goods” just because of past issues, and don’t you label her the same either – she doesn’t have to let those experiences define her.
Don't let your partner waste another day thinking about it. Go and assist her in getting some help and don't either you or your partner give up.
Birth control drugs
The jury is definitely out on whether or not oral contraceptives decrease the desire for sex. Some studies have found links between oral contraceptive use and decreased levels of ‘androgens’ (the class of hormones, including testosterone, that are thought to drive both male and female sexuality). However - few of the studies have actually been conclusive. The results in the tests have varied widely – in some women libido went up, in others it stayed the same, and in others it went down! What is fairly widely known is that oral contraceptives alter a woman's natural estradiol fluctuations (this is the group of hormones which includes estrogen), which is considered to be a primary source of the female libido. Either way – if your partner thinks that her sex drive is being affected by the oral contraceptives that she’s taking then go talk with your doctor together, because when she’s on the pill, her hormonal balance will change and consequently, so might her desire for sex.
Birth control, generally
First off please remember that both you and your partner have joint responsibility for birth control. There is a possibility that issues surrounding birth control methods and practises could well be affecting sexual desire in your partner. Here are some issues to watch out for when considering whether or not the method of birth control that you are using is affecting sexual desire…
You may be expecting your partner to do too much in terms of the birth control methods that you both have in place.
Have you spent enough time talking with your partner about the method of birth control that you both use?
There may be something that she is not happy about with the method that you are both using that she doesn’t feel that she can easily discuss with you.
You may not be sticking to the method of birth control that you have both agreed upon. If it’s condoms for example, remember that you need to be putting the condom on from your ‘first thrust to your last’ as a minimum.
Body Image
We’ve covered body image on day two of the course, but we’ll take a quick look here again, though I’d recommend either actually reading this topic if you haven’t already or re-reading it if you have – why? Because poor body image is a definite desire dampener and you can help your partner in order to help yourself. Here’s where she might be at currently…
Most women are experts on their obvious, as well as their not as ¬obvious, body flaws. Your partner might feel shame and disgust at her own body and could therefore be avoiding being naked with you as a result.
She may find that all sexual experiences are filled with anxiety and embarrassment.
She might think that her breasts and other body parts are too little or too big and therefore she’ll have a hard time relaxing when naked with you because she’s so self-conscious about her bod.
The following may help you to help her take a ‘crash course’ in self-acceptance so that she can do something to change things…
For a start she’s in good company because countless women feel exactly the same way.
You can remind her that you aren’t complaining about her body (you aren’t are you?), that you love it (you do, don’t you?), and that she is her own worst critic.
You can help her to focus on her good points, and help her find ways to flaunt these good points. Focus on the parts of your partner’s body that you find attractive and concentrate your compliments on those parts. Find ways to help your partner feel attractive to herself again.
Help her to decide to stop striving for perfection and just to be herself.
Your partner may assume that you feel the same way about her body that she feels about it – and if you aren’t reassuring her that you think she looks great then she’s got every reason to believe it!
Get some exercise together…
Go for walks and hold hands when you do.
Join a gym together and then make sure that you both go! Support her efforts to change.
When you see your partner making an effort to get in shape or lead a more healthful lifestyle, encourage her to stick to the plan by complimenting her efforts and being affectionate.
Help your partner work out what she can change. Help her set goals that she can realistically reach, so that she doesn’t keep failing on them and therefore sending herself in a negative downward spiral.
Put in some effort yourself too. Your partner will find it easier if she’s following your lead.
Give her time, be patient - changes will occur slowly – body image problems are rarely fixed overnight.
Discourage any critical and pessimistic language that your partner uses when she talks about her body.
Be more physically affectionate towards her – this will give her the boost she needs to keep the positive changes going.
Cervix problems
If you partner has an infection of the cervix it will make this area very tender and pain can occur during deep penetration. This is known as 'collision dyspareunia'. If this sounds familiar then your partner should consult a doctor.
Caruncle, urethral
A urethral caruncle is a tender patch that can develop at the urinary opening. Your partner’s urinary opening is just above her vaginal opening, so I’m sure that you can see that a urethral caruncle is going to be something that is really not going to help her enjoy sex! A doctor should, obviously, be consulted to help with this issue.
Chemotherapy
If your partner has been diagnosed with cancer and is having treatment for it, including chemotherapy, then this will likely have a profound psychological impact on her ability to feel “sexy” or desired by you. She may not want for intimacy or sexual relations at all, due to; altered body image or the side effects of the treatment. Chemotherapy for example will likely leave her exhausted by the side effects – feeling; sick, weak, depressed, tired and having a complete lack of energy – which in turn will remove desire for sex as well as having related effects on her self-esteem.
Childbirth
Injury caused by childbirth can cause your partner pain and will therefore potentially put her off of sex with you. Examples of the possible issues after labour that can cause pain during sex are…
A tear during labour.
The episiotomy cut that is often made during labour.
Badly healed stitching as a result of a tear or episiotomy cut.
I am sure that you don’t need me to tell you that it is also completely normal for women to experience a drop in desire following the birth of a child. The following issues will cause this reduced desire…
Tiredness due to the fact that a baby is keeping her up half the night.
General physical discomfort after delivery.
Prolactin, the hormone that stimulates milk production during nursing can suppress estrogen and testosterone, and a drop in estrogen levels can cause vaginal dryness, making sex with you uncomfortable. There is more on ‘Prolactin’ in the topics below.
And I’m sorry to say that lots of women have low sexual desire for a number of years after the birth of a child too, not just immediately following birth. The best advice that I can give is for you to hang on in there. Keep supporting your partner, and keep going with your start it now’s, make sure you aren’t doing any of the stuff that I’ve suggested that you stop, keep those daily to-do’s going, and keep up with your weekly date nights when possible. Keep working at it, keep observing how your partners doing and you will get your sex life back.
Compatibility, sexually
Being sexually incompatible with your partner could be another reason why you aren’t getting as much sex as you’d like. Need an example of what ‘sexual incompatibility’ is? One of you could be into rough sex and the other is into tender sex, and your demands for rough sex are totally putting your partner off of wanting to get into bed with you. What to do about this? Well, assuming that you are absolutely committed to making the relationship work outside of the bedroom, try the following…
First – communicate. Read the “talking about sex with your partner” appendix if you need further help on this.
Then - compromise and agree boundaries, for example…
Your partner might be willing to be tied up and endure a little spanking from you occasionally but she’s not prepared to be blindfolded as well.
Or she could want you to be tender and loving every other lovemaking session.
Just keep communicating, if you want more sex then its imperative that your partner is happy.
Cultural expectations
Deep rooted cultural issues can cause low sexual desire. If during intimate moments with your partner she appears to be feeling bad about herself or ashamed of what she is doing with you then it's quite possible that she is under the influence of any lessons that she may have learnt in the past. Depending on the severity of the issues, and absolutely with the help of a professional, it is possible for your partner to get herself beyond any old issues so that she can relax with you and enjoy sex. Communication is absolutely the right starting point, ie you talking with your partner to understand what she’s thinking and feeling. If during those conversations you hear the following sorts of examples coming out then this could be the issue…
When she was a child your partner could have been told that sex was a bad and dirty thing. Children believe and readily absorb much of what grown-ups tell them about the world and these ideas may have become a part of your partner.
The society that she was bought up in may have made sex less than enjoyable, she could have had religious training, for example, that told her similar things.
The following common sexual myths may have been passed down through cultures and from generation to generation:
Masturbation is a bad thing.
‘Good girls’ don't have sex.
Men who desire sex are ‘macho’, but girls who want sex are ‘easy’ or ‘slutish’.
Sex is for the purpose of procreating only, it is not something that is there to be enjoyed.
Women shouldn’t appear to be too interested in sex.
Dryness, menopausal or post-menopausal
An inability for your partner to self-lubricate due to a fall in female sex hormones, and the resultant anxiety around this, can cause low sexual desire. See ‘Lubrication, lack of’ and ‘Menopause’ for more information. Sex lubricants and / or treatment with hormone replacement therapy can help to put matters right. So, as usual, talk through your issues and concerns with your doctor as a first port of call.
Drugs
Drugs that may have an effect on sexual desire are detailed in this appendix in alphabetical order by drug name or type. If you cannot immediately see a drug in this list that your partner is taking that you are concerned about then consider checking each topic in this appendix to see if it can be found, and remember that any concerns that you have should also be run past a medical professional.
Disability, physical
The reason that you purchased this course was because you wanted to understand how you could get more sex. And you are reading this appendix because you want to understand more about low sexual desire. It can therefore potentially be assumed that either you, or your partner has a physical disability, and that more than likely your partner has low sexual desire. Entire books have been written about the physical and psychological aspects of disability and sexuality, and because of the range of possible situations of each reader and the likely answers for each - this appendix topic is not going to try to get into any kind of detail. What is worth noting however is that if your partner has a physical disability then her sexual function or feeling could be limited and she might well have concerns about her body image. She might also be unsure as to how to express her sexuality to you because of a lack of knowledge or physical or cognitive limitations. Western media and culture has instilled firm ideals on how women should look, and if your partner has a disability she could feel unattractive or less worthy of a sexual relationship because she may not be able to live up to the idealised image. If she acquired the disability later in her life, she might remember how she used to look and might feel unattractive by comparison. As a starting point to get help you could both talk with a counsellor and maybe with other people who have overcome body image concerns.
Depression
It is a commonly known fact that people who are depressed report a loss of sex drive, and that’s not too surprising considering that feeling depressed also interrupts your normal sleep patterns, can make you feel listless, unmotivated, weepy and can take away appetite or prompt some serious overindulging. This course definitely isn’t the place to tackle such a complex issue, that has a great number of answers, but if your partner is depressed and has lost her sex drive the following may help, though it is of course the right thing to do to ensure that your partner visits a medical professional to get help to get back onto the right track…
If your partner has been feeling down for several weeks, or indeed for longer, then it’s a possibility that she might be clinically depressed.
If your partner is feeling low then at this time more than most she will need your love, support and closeness – even if you find it hard to show it.
If your partner is depressed she may potentially be the last one to recognize it.
She could be defensive if you express concern.
Have a read of the topic in this appendix on antidepressants, and when you visit a medical professional to get help be aware that many antidepressant drugs can themselves cause sexual dysfunction that can lead to a lowering of sexual desire. Help your partner to choose her treatment options carefully so that matters aren’t made worse.
Diseases, chronic
Not unsurprisingly a large number of diseases can be the cause of low sexual desire. It is beyond the scope of this book to go into every possible medical condition in order to give you answers, so if your partner has an underlying medical condition that you think could be the cause of her low sexual desire then seek professional help to understand the issues and what you can do to help her.
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