Okay, let’s go back over today in summary form…
Quit pursuing your partner for sex - it’s not an effective seduction strategy and will only annoy your partner.
If you are an 'angry' person, then go work on it, it will put your partner off of you and will do nothing for your sex life.
Stop arguing - you are very unlikely to get sex having just argued with your partner.
The lack of sex that you are getting is not your partners 'fault' - you absolutely have some responsibility here too.
Don't put your partner down, most especially about your sex life.
Stop being jealous, it won't help and it's all solvable by talking with your partner.
Quit with any and all lying. It breaks trust, and you need trust in your relationship in order to get more sex.
Give your partner some respect if you value your relationship and your sex life.
Stop all reminders that you may be giving your partner about the lack of sex that you are both having.
It's hard, yes, but stop closing down if you get rejected for sex. It will not help you at all.
Don't set tests for your partner to fail, it's more than likely she will fail them, and it will achieve absolutely nothing.
Help your partner with any concerns that she has about her body image. Avoid negatives like the plague.
Don't be a control freak, it will build resentment in your relationship, and will kill any thoughts of sex that your partner might otherwise have had.
Don’t “punish” your partner for not giving you sex. It's mean, it's wrong and it won't magically get you any sex, at all.
You making negative comments to your partner about the lack of sex that you are having will NOT magically get you ANY sex.
Quit thinking that regular sex in your relationship is a given, you do not have a right to it; it's something that you will need to work at.
Day 2 Exercise’s
So, we’ve summed up today, and you’ve been given a whole load of stuff to think about. So, what I want you to do today and from here on in please is to follow these little rules…
Exercise 1
If you were doing any form of ‘pursuing’ of your partner for sex, then stop it dead. You know what pursuing is now, so don’t do any of it, in any form, no excuses allowed.
Exercise 2
If you recognised the description of the angry person we talked about earlier - then today - start calming down. If you need to then take the time to find a book or an online resource to find out more about how you can help yourself with this issue. Calm down, take a deep breath or 10 and just chill out.
Exercise 3
The next time it looks like you and your partner might argue do something different. Don’t. Just don’t even get near an argument. And to make sure that you’ve really nipped it in the bud – don’t ever tell your partner that she's “wrong”, show respect for her, if you're wrong then admit it, and do so quickly, and stop with any criticism of anything, stop condemning and stop complaining and whinging on about stuff. There’s a lot there to think about, but in making these changes now you will see a marked difference in your relationship.
Exercise 4
The next time you get horribly desperate for sex and you feel like blaming your partner for it - remember this – she probably does actually want sex with you – but it’s not her fault that she isn’t giving you the sex that you want – it is equally your responsibility to help her get into the right place. At this stage just keep yourself under control and keep reading and learning - and please be patient. We will get there, but sex is not your right, you’ve got to work at it.
Exercise 5
The next time you start to feel yourself being on the tip of saying nasty stuff to your partner – do something different - don’t do it. Don’t let any words out of your mouth that will be seen by your partner as putting her down, and most especially about the quality of sex that you may or may not occasionally be getting.
Exercise 6
Likewise with jealousy – the next time you feel any kind of jealous feelings creeping in – stamp on them, tell them, in your head, to go away – shout out loud in your head to them to go take a long walk off of a short pier.
Exercise 7
And again with lying – if you are starting to feel the need to lie then go and take 5 minutes out to work out in your head why. Politely excuse yourself, preferably with a good reason, like you need to go to the loo, or “oops, I just forgot to do something…”, and whilst you are away think about what you are about to do. Is the lie the right thing to do? What would be the harm in telling your partner the truth. Keep in your mind that trust thing. It’s really, really important.
Exercise 8
At this stage in the course I’d highly recommend that you don’t even try getting any sex with your partner. Leave it be and come back when you know more, when you’ve been properly armed with the tools, tips and processes that you need to get some. But if you are still trying, out of sheer desperation or whatever, then if your partner rejects you for sex – do something totally different, try and understand why your partner doesn’t want to have sex there and then, put yourself in her shoes, cuddle her instead (no groping though please) and don’t, whatever you do, close down.
Exercise 9
From here on in if your partner starts talking negatively to you about her bod think about what you are going to say before you speak. Do not fuel her concerns. Revisit this section of the course if you need some reminders. No saying the wrong thing, don’t be silent about it if she’s asking you a question about her bod or making a negative comment about herself, and no body language that gives away how you are thinking either, ie that raised eyebrow when she eyes the pudding menu.
Exercise 10
If you consider yourself to be a control freak then the very next time you feel that tension building up, where you want to get your own way, stop and think about it. Do you really, really need it done your way? Does it really matter? Is it really worth it for the damage that it’s going to cause your partner and the lack of sex that you are going to get as a result? Keep a check on it from here on in.
Exercise 11
I’ll say it again, but I’d recommend that you don’t try and get any sex at the moment. If you are still trying though, and you get rejected by your partner then - from today onwards do not do anything that could be seen as punishing her for that rejection. Don’t withhold cuddles and kisses and all that good love and affection stuff that she needs. Quit closing down. It will not help you next time you want sex.
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