Introducing Day 2, Week 1
Welcome to Day 2. Firstly, I'm sorry, but these next two days are going to be mighty dull, but I promise you that they'll be worth the effort. There's going to be a whole load of stuff that I'm going to tell you to stop doing, and it’s going to feel a little bit like being shelled by a load of anti-tank missiles for a while. So bear with it, keep reading, don't be naughty and skip a load of stuff because you think you're Mr. Perfect and it doesn't apply to you, because all of these things you’ve got to stop doing are the ground rules for you getting more sex. So if you are doing any of these, even slightly, then you can't go anywhere until you've got them done and dusted.
So why are you being asked to stop a load of stuff? How on earth is being told to stop stuff going to start getting you more sex? Well, when I explain why you've got to stop each of these you'll understand. I'll give a reason for why each is there, but in summary you'll be asked to stop doing stuff that will more than likely be putting your partner off of sex with you.
Keep your mind open
I’d ask you to read this list with an open mind, because some of the “have to stops” are going to sound like they are in no way related to you getting more sex. I’ll give a title for each and then explain it in more detail, so if you really think you’re doing okay on that one after a sentence or two AND you've been really honest with yourself - then okay, you can move on to the next, but please do check each one out, they’re all important for you getting more sex, and hopefully you’ll be able to understand why each is important to you getting more sex from each description.
It’s going to be harder for some than others
For some readers these ‘have to stop it now's’ may mean making some really big changes. Lots of “leopard changing its spots” stuff, but whilst you are going through these things you're being told to stop remember this: in return for you being a good boy and stopping doing a whole load of bad stuff, your partner will do a whole load of good stuff for you. Do I need to spell it out? Okay - if you stop doing the stuff that your partner is more than likely finding rather unpleasant and annoying then she will more than likely start to consider opening the door to more frequent sex with you. But, as I explained yesterday that's going to take hard work and honesty on your part.
Before we begin then - all of these stop it now's are in there for your own good - if you are doing any of these things then I’d highly recommend that you stop them as soon as you've read them - because if you are doing any / some /all of these things then your partners desire for you will more than likely not be that high.
I'm hoping that some of these things will be really enlightening for you - because it’s quite possible that you will be quite unaware of problems in your relationship. Why? Well, your partner may be supressing a load of anger and resentment towards you which, in itself (because she’s supressing it) will quash her desire for you. So please have a really good check in with yourself - if you recognise any of the following ‘stop it now’s’ then that thing may not be helping you get more sex at all - so you will just need to stop it.
To put it another way - it is rare for couples to have a good sex life if they don’t have a good relationship - so all of these tips are “relationship sorters”. So whilst you…
May wonder what on earth some of them have to do with getting more sex and…
more than likely you'll brush them off and…
won't want to bothered with them and…
you may well want to skip ahead
DON’T - because sorting these things will get you to the point where you start things going in the right direction of getting more sex.
Okay then, here we go. Let’s start with the biggies on the “have to stop” list.
Quit the pursuit
The first and one of the more important things that you need to stop doing is you “pursuing” your partner to be more sexual with you. It’s more than likely that if you are persistently “pursuing” your partner for sex then you are going to be repeatedly getting turned down by your partner. So what do I mean by pursuing? Well, if you recognise any of the following stuff then you can probably give yourself the “pursuer” label…
A peck on the cheek to say goodbye on a morning turns into an opportunity to try and stick your tongue down your partner’s throat.
A hug goodnight or goodbye turns into a dry thrusting, groping or genital rubbing extravaganza.
A normal catch up chat with your partner turns into an innuendo filled conversation on your part.
You're passing in the hallway and touching your partner intimately.
You’re engaging in some totally unsubtle rubbing of your partner’s thigh.
You're jumping into bed on a night naked, clambering onto your partner and expecting her to be turned on and ready.
When your partner is trying to get off to sleep you touch her intimately, subtly or otherwise.
You're doing what seems to you like a really sensible thing and trying to talk with your partner about the lack of sex that you are both having and your unhappiness with your sexual relationship. (Though it’s well worth pointing our here that talking about sex can be a really good thing too, but it needs to be done in the right way. We'll get to that in the days to come though.)
If you’ve bought this course then I’m going to take a guess that there's a fairly high probability that you’ve recognised some of what you've been doing in the above bullet points. Now I feel like I’m probably just going to state the obvious here – but guess what – this isn’t helping.
So why isn't it helping you get more sex?
Well, firstly it’s more than likely to be totally and utterly putting your partner off sex with you - probably quite the reverse of what you were going for.
It will more than likely be causing your partner to slam the door shut on any closeness with you whatsoever, physical or otherwise, because she will worry that whatever she does, be it just wanting to give you a cuddle or to have a snuggle up on the sofa with you, that you’ll mistake this for her wanting sex, so instead she’ll just close down so as not to get into the situation. It’s a vicious circle that has to be broken please.
The regular rejections from your partner will more than likely be making you even more determined to keep pursuing your partner for more sex, ie the more she stops being interested in sex, the more you think about it and the more frequent and desperate your pursuing gets.
You whining on about the fact that you didn’t get sex last night is not going to endear you to your partner and it’s not a good seduction strategy.
Now I get this behaviour entirely, I've been there, done that, got the T-Shirt. It’s totally understandable and perfectly normal. However - it’s a mild form of obsession (ie your obsession with getting sex from your partner) and if you want more sex then you need to be tough with yourself, break the cycle and stop doing those things. Because what I need you to understand before you move on is that this behaviour simply isn't going to magically turn your partner on - instead it’s going to have quite the reverse effect of what you were probably going for - its going to totally put her off and all you are doing with this old behaviour is ploughing full steam ahead and keeping going with what hasn’t worked before.
So in summary:
Your previous strategy (let’s also call it “attempts”) to get more sex might actually be one of the reasons why you aren't getting as much sex as you'd like.
You might not be able to see how this strategy has affected your partner - try and look at what you are doing from your partners perspective - women are very different from men, you're probably turned on by the slightest thing, but for your partner its going to take more than a grope in the hallway, sorry!
Think before your act - ask yourself:
“Is what I'm about to do just going to annoy my partner and push her away from me?”
“Is what I'm about to do - me doing exactly the same as I've tried 100 times before and it’s still getting me the same rubbishy results?”
Stop being angry
Ground rule number two - if you are an “angry” person then please know right now that this is going to massively dampen your partners desire for you.
So, what might “anger” be? How do you recognise if your partner could be considering you as “angry”? Watch for the following…
You could be angry with your partner about your lack of regular sex.
You could have anger about a load of other stuff going on in your life that you don’t have any control over; your job, children, current financial circumstances, family, etc.
Your partner might find herself frequently rehashing, either in her mind or out loud, your past actions that have hurt her.
Your partner try’s to address troublesome issues with you (but she finds that you are just shutting her out).
You are unsupportive of your partners feelings.
You are controlling or critical much of the time, and this is angering your partner.
Anger, resentment, disappointment, hurt, or betrayal will only dampen your partner’s desire for you. Take a good hard look at yourself please - and ask yourself if your past actions are potentially disappointing your partner. Your anger is not going to make your partner feel emotionally “safe”, and emotional safety is one more tick in the box on the road to you getting more sex. There's more on emotional safety when we get to some of the stuff that you've got to start doing. Remember too that it’s also quite possible that she may well be keeping these feelings to herself, so just because she doesn’t appear to be showing any concerns on the surface, underneath it may be a different matter.
You could start by asking yourself what the real reasons are behind your anger? Is it really that bad? Most things, apart from perhaps serious illness, are sortable. There's entire books on how to be less angry, so if this is you then I'm not going to try to get into the phycology of why you may be this way, this course isn’t the place for that - if you think you need some help with anger management start by doing a simple online search, grab a book on the subject or seek professional help. What I wanted to get across here was the fact that you need to ensure that at the very least your partner doesn’t see or feel this anger, whether that is you finding ways to stop being so angry or you doing a way better job at hiding your anger you will find that it is well worth it to you to get sorted out.
Stop arguing
That's right, I’m telling you to stop arguing with your partner. What on earth is the point in arguing with her? Where is it going to get you? If mid-argument you suddenly found out that the world was about to end in five minutes would you still keep arguing? In the grand scheme of things does the issue that you are arguing about actually matter?
Stopping arguing altogether is a simple and a rather obvious way to help you get more sex. If you both argue a lot it will only dampen your partner’s desire for sex with you even further.
So, starting from today when you are talking with your partner I want you to do the following please:
Never use fists, under any circumstance, instead - use words. And don't ever…
Try and point score.
Use putdowns.
Make critical comments.
Use sarcasm or humiliation.
Never tell your partner that she is wrong. This may be tricky for you, but I don’t care - nobody likes to be told this, especially your beloved, it just won't help, it will only annoy your partner and make her more likely to keep arguing with you. And I think I can say with some certainty that following an argument where you've annoyed your partner you won't be getting any sex.
Don't criticize your partner, condemn her or complain to her. Now these are biggies, I admit. We'll revisit not complaining again, but for the moment please take this very well researched advise - that criticizing, condemning, whining, whinging and complaining to your partner is, strangely enough!, not going to immediately endear your partner towards you and have her wanting sex with you right now! They are deeply unattractive things.
Avoid yelling, blaming, name-calling, exaggerating and discounting the way your partner feels - especially in front of children if you have any.
Stop thinking about your marriage / partnership as two people in opposition - think about it as “a team of two, trying to work together to achieve common goals”, ie love, happiness and a safe, calm loving environment to bring up children. You are both on the same side and you both want the same things, ie a great relationship and great sex (and yes, your partner does actually want to have sex with you – but we’ll get to that in later sections).
Remember that you did not purposefully get into a relationship together simply to fight each other.
Instead of arguing – do something totally different, such as finding a shared interest with your partner - share a hobby for example.
Be a calming, steadying influence in your partners life - don’t be another source of aggravation to her - be a balanced person for her and not another one of her problems.
If you feel that you need more help in this area then worry not, we'll come back to this topic again later on in course, so for the moment please try and change your thinking on what arguing is (or should we say isn’t) doing for your sex life.
Change your mindset, it’s not all her “fault”
Point number four will require a little mind bending from you please as well as some open thinking - because this is an important one - and it is this very simple point - it is not your partner's fault that you are not getting as much sex as you'd like. She is not completely responsible for the lack of sex that you are getting and you should not blame your partner for this, it is absolutely totally and utterly equally your responsibility to do something about it. Accept this fact, go mull that round in your head for a bit please, and then change your thinking and actually go do something about it rather than just moaning on about it. Simple as that, nothing more needs to be said.
Don't put your partner down
This is the first time you'll hear the "T" word, and it’s an important one to keep in mind throughout this process – “Trust” - you'll hear a lot about trust, and how your partner needs to be able to trust you. It’s a fundamental thing that you need to get right if you are committed to this process and you want more sex. In this particular point, you, putting your partner down, especially when you are talking about sex, is going to be really damaging to her and to your relationship and will more than likely affect her level of trust in the relationship. It is absolutely true that women really are from Venus and men are from Mars! There are differences between the two of you that you just need to accept, including ones where your partner will just get upset about stuff that you will more than likely just not be able to understand.
Don’t make the mistake of trivialising what she gets upset about, don’t take the mickey out of her for it and absolutely don’t use any put downs. And finally - don't compare her to other lovers that you may have had in the past. Put downs such as “You've never given me a good blow job” will, strangely enough!, not help matters! Totally avoid making any comparisons to your previous partners.
Quit the jealousy
Stop being jealous. Instead trust the partner that you're with. Firstly you’ve really only got a good case to be jealous if you’ve got concrete evidence of something to be jealous about. If you are having jealous feelings then discuss these with your partner, but do so in a non-accusatory way, remembering the tips under “Stop arguing” from earlier today.
Relentless jealousy can be seriously grating for your partner - if you are a jealous partner it can make your partner feel like a caged and trapped bird, who only aches to fly away at the earliest opportunity. Tame the green-eyed monster right now. If you are concerned that your partner is going to run off with some other love god then go do something simple about it - talk with her.
Stop lying
Stop lying right now. Why? Because (and it’s that "T" word again) lying kills trust and if you don’t have trust in a relationship then you're not going to get a lot of sex! Don’t lie and don’t be dishonest, it will not help you get more sex.
Give your partner some respect
I really hope some of these are starting to be obvious now, and therefore that I don't need to witter on about why you've got to stop doing these sorts of stupid things. With that in mind here's another… if you are being disrespectful towards your partner stop that right now. Show your partner some respect. Be willing to sort problems out by talking with her instead. Disrespect will not help your case AT ALL.
Quit the reminders
This is a similar one to the first point around you pursuing your partner - so hopefully I don't need to explain any more why you need to stop it - it’s quite obvious really isn’t it. Quit reminding your partner or teasing her about the fact that you aren't both getting as much sex as you want. Strangely enough - it isn't helping you get more sex!
Stop closing down after rejection
Been rejected for sex again? If you are closing down immediately the moment after you get rejected, and are turning away, saying nothing and shutting off, then you need to stop this too. It’s really difficult not to, I totally agree, rejection is really, really horrible, but all you are doing with this is upsetting your partner and you’ll be making things worse, which won't help your future chances of getting sex at all. You need to try really hard to understand how this will make your partner feel and instead of immediately shutting down take the time to talk with her instead. Better communication is a really positive step on the road to more and better sex.
You being okay one minute, and then the next shutting down and going totally cold, will be horrible to experience from your partners point of view. Try putting yourself in your partners shoes with this one - if you suddenly throw a whopping great barrier up around yourself that your partner can't get through and you say nothing – then it will break the trust in the relationship and does absolutely nothing to help the connection between you both. Instead try telling your partner what's going on in your head. We'll get on to the power of good communication between you both very soon, but for the moment just remember this one point - that you closing off if you've been rejected just won't help matters.
Stop setting tests up for your partner that she will only fail
So what does this mean? Well firstly it’s similar to the above tip – but to explain this I'll give you an example; let’s say that each night that you go to bed with your partner you cuddle in with her to go to sleep together. One night, because you want to see if she'll even notice that you aren’t cuddling her, you turn the other way instead, not even touching. When you are asked if you are okay, you brush it off with a “yes I'm fine” and you stay facing the other way. Then your partner doesn’t immediately cuddle in with you.
If you recognise this then I’m sure that you can probably bring your own examples to the table here as well. But in this example, to your mind your partners failed ‘the test’; she didn't cuddle in with you, you didn’t magically get any affection as a result, let alone any sex. Instead all you get is your partner worrying about your relationship. Hopefully from this example you'll see that this isn't a good idea and it’s certainly not going to help in the process of getting you more sex.
Body image
If your partner is worried about her weight, or perhaps some other feature of her body that she is self-conscious about, and you are making negative comments about this – then (and it’s a really obvious point I know) THIS IS NOT GOING TO HELP YOUR CASE!
When talking with your partner about her body image totally avoid words that you think might be hurtful to your partner or that she might take badly. Think before you speak. Definitely avoid phrases such as…
“There's more of you to love” or
“I love you just the way you are”
Instead, try concentrating on saying nice things about the bits of your partner that you do like…
If she dresses particularly nicely one day, tell her that you think she looks nice in what she’s wearing.
If you like the way her hair looks – tell her – and give a reason why you think it looks nice.
If you think she’s got a cute bum, guess what, tell her.
If you think that your partners perception of the reality of her body image is totally wrong however then sometimes she will need that little reality check jolt which tells her that she is wrong. For example, if her bum really doesn’t look big or she definitely doesn’t look fat then you need to tell her, nicely, that she is wrong! And just to add to the complexity that you’ve got to deal with – it’s in the rules of life that you aren't allowed to be silent when or if she says that kind of thing, because any silence from you will only be taken as you agreeing with her.
In summary, if there’s something you aren’t quite so sure on about your partner’s bod – then ignore those bits, and tell her the good stuff. It will boost her self-esteem and will increase the good feelings she has about her body – and this all helps you in your cause. We'll revisit this subject again when we look at the stuff you've got to start. So for the moment, just remember the things you've got to stop doing please.
Tame your inner control freak
If you are being really controlling then watch out - BIG BLOOMING WARNING HERE - in doing this you are only going to be building resentment in the relationship and resentment is one of those “run in the opposite direction from sex” things that isn't going to help.
Be a proper man - respect your partner’s needs, feelings and rights to make up her own mind and to make her own decisions. If you always have to be in control, you always have to be right and you always have to do all the talking then your relationship will not have good balance, and it needs this for sex to be on the cards. If you are being controlling then it’s possible that it’s because you’ve got a load of fears that are making you this way. If this is you then lighten up and deal with your fears. One way to do this is to sit down and, honestly, think about what the worst thing is that can happen if you don’t get your own way. Instead of controlling ask your partner to consider your point of view; don’t just tell her what to do. Respect your partner’s right to be able to make her own decisions.
Don’t ‘punish’ your partner
If you are…
Not getting what you want, ie sex, and you are withholding love and affection from your partner as a way to “punish” her for this, and then…
When you do get sex you are giving love and affection…
…then stop it.
Firstly this isn't going to work as a long term strategy, secondly it’
