Me again
I personally got mixed up when I classified my consumption as medicinal for pain relief.
This shift from recreation or initial pleasure pursuit to pain relief is subtle in its transition and I don't feel that I stand alone in this.
The chicken and egg scenario of more back pain and back sensitivity heightened was brought on by marijuana use.
Truthfully my relationship or link between marijuana and training undeniably pushed me into a potentially dangerous cycle of over training and causing pain that in turn formed a deeper dependence it.
Also the justification, self-manipulation and bullshitting oneself supported the continual addiction.
We all have the delicate egotistical pride issue of accepting that a bad habit, then becomes a characteristic, which can play a decisive role in determining life.
It’s a hard one to change.
I have personally caused considerable personal damage and it’s still hard to fully understand how much damage has been done.
Perhaps I will never fully be able to quantify it.
How can any individual really access the cost of a burnt bridge that cannot be replaced?
Long childhood friendships reclassified to that of dependence and shifting from leisure to reliance.
Once labeled an addict can one ever truly regain the precious and previous social standing?
The sympathy or empathy I once received was replaced with frustration and anger so can rarely be reversed?
With the constant fear of relapse how can you help someone who is not helping themselves?
Drug addicts rarely get the opportunities they so desperately need to break the cycle.
They need time for objective thinking, a break from themselves, their cycle, habit and behavior.
It’s undeniably dangerous cycle of self-destructive habitual behavior so hard to differentiate between habit and dependency.
I personally had a severe difficulty of breaking continual boredom, the isolation unemployment evokes, the concept of facing a day no money to spend, and without anyone to spend the day with.
The attraction of smoking a joint, listening to music and exercising felt like the only constructive way to spend the time. Kicking a ball around and creating games kept me physically active and cost nothing so past the time in what felt like a relatively constructive manner.
The prospect of watching day time TV or spending the day browsing the internet soon wares thin as the ever present draw to getting high and letting the time slip by lingers.
My greatest regret is that I didn't listen or couldn't listen to friends and family that tried to convince me to stop smoking.
I had a close group of friends and family who quickly saw that I was struggling getting back in to normal life and I did a good job initially of throwing money out as my issue, muddying the water and confusing my issue.
My personal inability to see the link I had made to substituting cigarettes for weed was almost terminal to anyone’s explanation and returning to my old smoking habit was undeniably worse from a physical health perspective.
I did a great job of justifying the physical benefit of marijuana and such a convincing case for pain relief that it overrode my concern about my drug use.
The combination of not being able to break my smoking habit and the boredom gave me a strange notion that I had to make give this bad decision a positive outcome.
The strange notion of campaigning for the end of prohibition etc. all combined to sabotage my life in a way that I cannot fully appreciate.
My issue might not be addiction or dependency but I can say that it did very little to improve my chances of solving my work or financial situation.