Have a Certifiably Insane Degree of Self-Love
Too many men walk around thinking that the women they desire are superior to them. In the unlikely event one of them accepts him for sex or a relationship, he assumes she must be doing him a favour, that there must be something “special” about their relationship. Beware, for this is how pedestalisation, obsession, and heartbreak breed.
Women, we are told from a young age, are attracted to “cool” guys. The problem for those of us who are not naturals is figuring out what “cool” actually means and how we might embody it ourselves. The most powerful piece of advice about meeting women I have ever been given, one that changed my whole paradigm of thinking and levels of success, was that I should assume an insane degree of self-love . Now, the truth is there were probably already things I liked about myself, but social conditioning had taught me to be humble, not to brag, to keep my head below the parapet, and be a nice guy . None of these behaviours helped me with women. What did help was when I started communicating an irrational, almost absurd sense of self-confidence to the world through every element of my behaviour, from the way I walked to the way I spoke to the way I dressed. This isn’t about being bigheaded. It’s more about recognising what’s unique and amazing about you and being proud of it. Once I had achieved congruence in this and carried myself as though I were a big deal, suddenly, mysteriously, my world changed, as women previously out of my reach started to make themselves available to me, and men began to defer to me. Very quickly, a truth that I had never been aware of before was revealed to me: the individual, not society decides what “cool” is for him: each man gives himself permission to be cool.
I remember looking at the popular kids at school and wondering what it was, when you broke it down, that was so great about them. Many weren’t particularly good-looking or intelligent. They didn’t have good taste in clothes or music, yet they still carried themselves as though they were a big deal. I often wondered why this was so and who had “given them permission” to do so. I imagined it impossible that someone like me, someone so inherently uncool, could ever behave with such entitlement. For a while, I actually believed that somehow I wasn’t allowed to dress fashionably, because those cool clothes were for other people who were already cool.
Utter nonsense.
In fact, “cool” is a self-designation: no one else gives you the permission to be cool, and no one is magically endowed with the quality of coolness from birth. It is a mantle that you assume for yourself, and you can do so today—right now .
Remember, there is no such thing as concensus . Even if every single person in your immediate circle says you’re a loser or acts as though they think so:
1. You don’t know that’s what they’re thinking for real.
2. There is no empirically correct measure.
3. There’s a big world out there, and others will think differently.
Understand this now: It is you who makes the decision to dress cool, act cool, and be cool. You giveyourselfpermission , and you should never seek it from anyone else.
Become the embodiment of that ideal image of yourself you hold inside.
As you start to make changes to yourself, you may experience social pressure from other people. If you buy new clothes, for example, then people used to the “old you” may complain or criticise. Ignore them. Their thoughts are irrelevant. They don’t really care what you wear or what you are doing with your life. They are merely trying to push you down to your former position in the hierarchy so that they can feel better about themselves. Remember: What other people think of you is none of your business.
Your ultimate goal, though, is not mere coolness. You should aim beyond that for a deluded degree of self-belief . Your aim should be to walk around as though you are the most exceptional guy on the planet. If you accept the principle of the non-existence of consensus, you will see that no one can either give you permission to act this way or refute that you have a right to—you are free to do whatever you want. So how do you achieve this almost delusional state of self-regard?
• Give yourself permission to do so.
• Seek role models relevant to you and mirror them.
• Fake it to make it.
• Don’t allow any contrary evidence to enter your reality.
The first step is to make a decision, and you must make it absolutely. The second step is really important and helped me a great deal. Pick out celebrities and other people that you admire for their charisma, cool image, and behaviour, and copy them. Think about how they dress, their mannerisms, and how they talk, walk, and act, and find ways to copy them without appearing incongruent. Read interviews with them or better still meet them if you can to suss out how they think, their attitudes to life, and how they handle common situations with a view to adopting their mindsets for yourself.
Celebrities I have channelled include Robbie Williams (when he was younger) with his alpha body language, complete conviction in his own attractiveness, and cheeky humour, and Russell Brand, whose idiosyncratic dress sense, florid verbal style, and laser eye contact I admire very much. Both display dominant male characteristics and have very tangible self-belief. I would also add Jay Z to that list, as his grace, warmth, and humour are a welcome sheen on his ultimate alpha male persona. On the other side of the spectrum, you might consider someone like Harry Styles, who is boyish, scruffy, and relatively unconventional in looks but who has genuine charisma and great style. The people that resonate most with you and have the most congruence with your personal style are the ones to model.
Also, try to ensure that all the influences you are receiving are positive— music, movies, books. Don’t watch too much television. Listen to unsentimental music that will get you fired up and hungry, like rap and techno. Don’t wallow in sad love songs, soap operas, reality shows, and other beta frivolities.
Why Should You Adopt Deluded Self-Belief?
• Because in order to be truly attractive to a wide range of women, you have to be prepared to stand beyond what “polite society” regards as normal social conduct.
• Entitlement is attractive.
• People will believe a narrative that is presented to them strongly and consistently.
The important thing is that your self-esteem should be excessive, and this needn’t necessarily be based on anything tangible other than the decision you’ve made for it to be so . That is all you require.
Point 3 is particularly significant. People are essentially gullible, tending to accept what they are told. If you continually relate to them in a way that suggests you are cool, in the end, they will believe it (assuming you have your fundamentals down). This is why advertising works. Consistency is the key. Soon enough, people will accept the cool persona you present. Those that don’t you should simply ignore or phase out of your reality. And the best way to appear consistently cool?
Have a primary mission or passion that has nothing to do with women.
Real men are doers, not passive consumers.
Choose something that you love doing, whether it is music, sports, photography, writing, or art, an activity where you produce —put something out into the world. Make that your number one focus and you will find yourself impassioned and full of vital energy, which will communicate itself to those around you. Having a passion will make you less vulnerable to the negative emotions of others and will make you cooler in their eyes.
Finally, make sure that you have a group of other men that you can talk to— male friends are valuable to you. Centre yourself by catching up with them once a week and talking through your problems and successes. Male influence will keep you balanced and on your alpha path. Make sure they are men who understand and are encouraging of your mission, who are actively working to improve themselves too. Stick with the winners.
It was not the kind of club I was used to, at the time, what with everyone being dressed in leather and PVC, and women with their breasts exposed, and guys being led around on chains by their girlfriends in the catacombs of a discussed church somewhere in South London, all to a pounding techno beat. The green and blue tattoos, the bolts of metal that pierced lips and cheeks and eyebrows, and the sounds of sex and whipping that came through the chiasmic murk of dry ice and disco lights lent the whole scene a near-hallucinatory sheen. Fortunately, though, I was fully prepared and felt confident. I was wearing a pair of silver PVC jeans and a T-shirt with a red LCD display on it, both borrowed from a friend, and I felt fantastic.
Fortunately, I had prepared in advance, getting ready in my flat and following the usual routine. I would listen to loud music—whatever I was into at the time but usually techno—looking at myself in the mirror as I did so and visualising myself literally taking over in the club I was to visit—as though I were a rock star and this was my stage. As delusional as it sounds, I would deliberately cultivate the view that the world was a performance space on which I would take centre stage every time I stepped out of my front door. That I had actually achieved little to warrant this at that point in my life didn’t matter. I was aware of my potential as a writer, and I knew that I had a unique take on the world, and that was enough for me to convince myself that I was a star—in my own head, at least.
In order to heighten this peculiar self-love, I would often watch videos on YouTube that I found inspiring. One in particular was Robbie Williams performing his song “Me and My Monkey” at Shepperton Studios. Why that particular track? Well, it was dramatic, and what a performance! Williams looks in great shape, and he has such confidence, such masculine charisman as he commands the audience behind the mike. I would also watch Russell Brand clips for a similar effect. These celebrities may not be to your taste, but it is hard to deny that they have charisma, and what I realised while watching them was that charisma is largely generated from within. It’s an asset independent of talent, looks, or anything else. If they could radiate such confidence and personality, so could I!
Fired up like this, I arrived at the club with my friends shortly after midnight and began hitting up girls. I enjoyed one early success—making out with a cute girl in a plastic nurse’s outfit on the dance floor, but then I lost her in the crowd. Then nothing of any great value happened for a couple of hours, until, just as I was about to go home, I spotted Carly standing alone by the bar.
A hot, twenty-year-old brunette wearing a corset and ripped fishnets, with a pretty, mischievous face, she was entirely my type. I walked up to her and immediately began making out with her. After a few hours of fun at the club, I got a cab for her and her friend back to their halls of residence, where we ended up fucking until late into the next day.
An irrational self-confidence can often win the day. Does this mean that I went around with a real arrogance? No, certainly not. I’ve always suffered from low self-esteem rather than bigheadedness. But thinking of yourself as a kind of performer when you go out, either to a club or in the daytime, can introduce a useful mental dissonance where you can feel superhuman and “not really you” as you approach girls. This will communicate itself to them as incredible confidence that will draw people to you.
• It is the individual, not society who decides what is “cool” for him and gives himself permission to be it.
• Become the embodiment of the ideal image of yourself you hold inside.
• Ignore external resistance. What other people think of you is none of their business.
• To develop deluded self-belief, first give yourself permission to do so, seek role models and mirror them, fake it until you make it, and don’t allow any contrary evidence to enter your reality.
• Do this because to be truly attractive as a man, you must be prepared to stand slightly outside what ”polite society” regards as normal . Entitlement is attractive, and people will believe whatever narrative is presented to them strongly and consistently.
• Have a primary mission that has nothing to do with women.