RIGID & UNBALANCED LIFESTYLES
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Another salient reason many married women are frustrated is rigid and unbalanced lifestyles. This is of course not limited to married women, many people, have very rigid and unbalanced lifestyles. They are expecting too much from the same place or from the wrong places. Our lives are split into various environments and activities on a practical level.
These may interact with the levels in the first model (Group Size), in that we often experience these environments either as an individual (self) or as part of a larger group.
There are many sections, and in the diagram below, an attempt is made at identifying the typical potential outcomes for each of the sections and areas of life. The table that follows is an attempt to describe and categorize some of the occasional and typical benefits we derive from the various sections or areas of life. For example, from our work/workplace; occasionally we experience teamwork by working with our colleagues as team members, we are opportune to display our creativity and experience both mental and physical stimulation. Typically, work/workplace gives us the opportunity to be productive, interact with colleagues, take responsibility, get rewarded and be financially empowered.
These outcomes are the positives outcomes we aim and expect to get from each environment. However, the table only serve as a guide, since depending on the individual, different outcomes will result from each area. For example, one person may achieve job satisfaction in a particular job while another might not in the same job.
Expectations and Areas of Life
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Work |
• Teamwork • Creativity • Mental Stimulation • Physical Stimulation |
• Productivity • Interaction with colleagues • Responsibility • Reward • Financial empowerment |
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Social |
• Sex • Recreational activity • Legal or illegal • Recreational substances • Creativity • Spiritual activity |
• Interaction with friends • Interaction with strangers • Interaction with groups • Interpersonal communication |
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Physical e.g. Sport |
• Social interaction • Teamwork • Competition • Achieving targets |
• Physical stimulation • Fitness • Health • Adrenal regulation |
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Spiritual |
• Beauty • Unconditional love • Religious guidance • Self development • Social interaction |
• Sense of belonging to something greater • Models of understanding |
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Close interpersonal (romantic) |
• Sex • Love |
• Support • Interpersonal communication • Self exploration |
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Family |
• Love • Procreation |
• Belonging to a group • Support • Identity |
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Hobbies |
• Productivity • Social Interaction • Mental Stimulation • Physical Stimulation |
• Creative |
As can be seen from the table, there are a number of factors, such as social interaction, that may exist in a variety of areas of life, and have a number of nuances. Others, such as creativity and mental stimulation, can be harder to allocate.
Generally we have a need to fill our lives with all the benefits and outcomes in order to achieve a reasonable degree of happiness. It is not always critical where we find the benefit, as long as it is there somewhere.
It is very important to note the two golden rules:
• Do not try to gain all the outcomes from one area of life.
• If any one area is low on beneficial outcomes, substitute elsewhere.
By doing this, you can work on achieving balance in your life.
A common mistake is for many married women to concentrate and be obsessed only on one or two areas (which usually are Family and Spiritual) and then expect to be happy, spending all their time and efforts on just one or two areas of life. In doing so, you are trying to gain all the satisfaction and stimulation you need from just those areas.
This creates two outcomes: You are unable to achieve anywhere near all the required outcomes and you begin to resent the areas you are focusing on, because you are not happy.
In this case it is important to objectively go through your lifestyle and look at what different areas/environments you are experiencing, and what you feel you are getting out of each one. For example, it is very common for people to underestimate the need for mental and physical stimulation in particular, and also spiritual and creative outcomes.
It is observed that many African married women under the guise of raising children have stopped engaging in virtually all forms of mental stimulations either through studying or reading. Same with physical stimulation in the form of sports and recreational activities.
There is a balance required between mental and physical stimulation. Unless both are stimulated, the person feels unsettled and unbalanced, and often experiences stress or poor sleep patterns.
We all feel the need on some level to be creative, whether that is something we create at work, or someone doing cross-stitch, painting, playing a musical instrument, making models, collecting something, etc.
Spiritual issues are often misunderstood – we often assume this means going to a church, mosque or temple! It need not have anything to do with religion whatsoever.
In its broadest sense, being spiritual can involve anything that makes us feel part of something greater than ourselves. This can be a country scene, walking along a beach, a piece of provocative, emotional music, certain works of art, or creative art like sculpture, religion, poetry, certain evocative books, etc. The list is potentially longer.
Whatever the trigger for the individual, it has certain quality which tends to have certain features;
• Typically, you feel part of something greater,
• The logical view of what is important in life is suspended,
• There is an instinctive sense of the experience being important,
• There is usually a strong element of sensory stimulation,
• There is a generally non-specific nature to the experience that denies complete explanation in logical terms. It is by nature esoteric and hard to grasp.
In conclusion, there are two key issues to address –
• Ensure that you are not trying to get all the satisfaction in life out of too narrow a set of experiences, and
• Ensuring all (or most of) the areas are covered.
Once you have done this, take time to consider the first model again (chapter one). If you are getting all the forms of satisfaction, for example social interaction, how does this sit with the models of self, family, group and so on?
Sometimes you will have a need to experience many of the satisfactions and benefits in a variety of different size groups as well as when alone.
For example, you may wish to socially interact:
• Popping down the pub/gym alone
• Popping to the pub/cinema with a loved one
• Taking the whole family out for a meal
• Enjoying time with a social club, e.g. sports group
This need for different levels of interaction for some forms of satisfaction may apply across board, and the need for it will vary for your spouse and also for other individuals.
Imbalances in Levels & Areas of Life
It is important to reiterate the need for balance. We have probably all heard expressions like: “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy”. Unfortunately, we tend to forget the wisdom behind these expressions when it comes to practical application. Imbalances in levels and areas of life it is also a major cause of frustration for many married women while balancing the levels and areas of life is also a highly potent means of diffusing frustrations.
We are familiar with comments like these:
• “All I seem to do is work, the money is great but I have no time to enjoy it.”
• “What is the point of work all the time, there must be more to life.”
• “Life seems so meaningless; there must be more to it.”
• “I am so busy surviving; I have no time to really live life.”
• “I feel so alone, all I seem to do is go to work, and then come home and sort out the kids.”
• “Everyone I know seems so shallow; I don’t know anyone who is interested in anything deeper.”
• “I lie awake at night shattered from work, I am dog tired but my mind is still racing.”
• “I am mentally worn out, but I am dying to go for a run, I just feel so stressed I can’t be bothered half the time.”
• “All I seem to do is run around after my husband and kids; I have no time to myself.”
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