Why Many Married Women are Frustrated by Oluseye A. Komolafe - HTML preview

For example, when growing up, we are dependent on the judgment of those parenting us. So, in most cases they tell us what we should want and what we should do based on what they think or assume should be good for us. During these formative years, they suggest to us what our goal(s) in life should be, what our focus should be, how we are expected to behave, their ideas of what is right and what is wrong, and so on, sometimes some of these suggestions and beliefs are backed with some superstitious consequences.

As we grow up, we internalize some of these suggested goals or beliefs and pursue them as if they are ours. Others we begin to question. Common examples of imposed goals and beliefs, both from external sources and from internal negative beliefs include:

•                “I should be the perfect wife.”

•                “I should keep the house spotlessly clean at all times.”

•                “I am not allowed to be ill, I have to keep going.”

•                “Only I can manage to look after the family.”

•                “I must be a business success and make a fortune.”

•                “I should put work/family/God/husband/wife /kids first!”

•                “I must self-sacrifice and put everyone else first.”

•                 “I must succeed in all things.”

•                “I have to be the best.”

•                “Big men don’t cry, so I need to be stronger.”

•                “Good wives don’t argue, so I need to be more obedient.”

•                “I must be perfectly healthy and never eat anything that is not 100% healthy for me.”

•                “I do not deserve to be happy, I should just get on with

things.”

•                “I have to be super slim/super fit/super muscular or else no one will find me attractive.”

•                “I must not ask for help, I have to be completely competent because only weak people ask for help.”

There are many variations on these examples, and they are usually characterized by the use of words like “must” and “should”. These indicate the individual is being driven by an imperative that is not considered and is merely accepted as ‘the way it is’.

Sometimes, during our teens we rebel and begin to question some of these beliefs and look for new models. Then from teens to mid life we are trying our own models out for size. According to psychologists, it is in mid-life that we try to balance it all! Hence the so called midlife crisis, which is actually the individual realizing things are not balanced at all!

A way to address the dissonance between surface and driving needs is to begin to assess the validity of goals. The reason for this is of great importance, and more important than goal definition and goal setting.

We will start with looking at the validity of goals as an issue, by goals we mean individual life goals. It is commonplace for individuals to set objectives and goals that they only really want to achieve on one level (Surface). They may not really want to achieve what they are saying at all, or they may believe that the stated goal is what they ‘should want’.

So it is crucial to spend time as an individual identifying ‘why’ you want to achieve what you want to achieve. Is it because you truly want to? Have you been told to? Have you been conditioned to believe you should? Is the goal a product of low self-esteem?

Some judgments and goals prove very valuable, others very destructive. The best way to identify the difference is to get in touch with all the judgments that affect us.

Take time to complete a frank self-exploration exercise, think about and look for examples or instances in your life where you have either said to yourself, ‘I should’, or hearing the words ‘You should’.

This can be expanded to implied ‘shoulds’, and similar expressions:

•                “You must”,

•                “You are going to have to”,

•                “Just do it”,

•                “When are you going to”,

•                “Don’t argue just do it”,

•                “Don’t be stupid, get on with it” and so on.

For example, some common ones are:

•                “I should be a perfect lover, friend, parent, teacher, student, and spouse.”

•                “I should not make mistakes.”

•                “I should look attractive.”

•                “I should keep my emotions under control and not feel anger, jealousy or depression.”

•                “I should not complain.”

•                “I should not depend on others, but take care of myself.”

The next stage is to ask each example – “Why?”

And then ask each one – “Who Says?”

By challenging each preconception or “should”, you can identify them, work out if it is a reasonable concept, and work out whose idea it was.

For a positive example:

I should not put my hand on a hot flame.

Why? because it burns.

Who Says? Initially my parents, now I am aware this is good advice.

Another example:

I should not talk to anyone but my partner when we are out socialising.

Why? Because it might be seen as flirting

Who Says? My partner, he is being over jealous, this does not seem reasonable!

A person does not need to still be in your life to have an impact with “shoulds”. When a dominant influence from our lives is no longer there (has died or moved on), we internalize them into our thoughts. A sufficiently important, strong and dominant personality thus remains with us; our own minds repeating what they would have said were they still there. Thus an old mentor’s advice may remain with us (positive), and an abuser’s vicious comments may also (negative). Therefore, do not forget to consider that comments and judgments may be past figures in your life.

Doing this serves an important purpose – it disassociates your person from the memory of the other person, allowing you a higher degree of free choice. By realizing it is not your own individual thought, but instead a memory of someone else’s opinion, you are able to consider it, just as if it were advice offered to you by a real person today. Otherwise, there is a tendency for you to forget it’s just someone else’s opinion or judgment, and assume it must be your own.

The key learning points is that sometimes we follow a path in life based on values of our own, that we later choose to change. Sometimes we follow paths that have been imposed on us, either directly, or because others have conditioned us to do so. We may then choose to design our own path instead.

Therapeutically, you can do this exercise. Make a list of ‘should’s. These can be positive and negative. Decide which are negative and might need reconsideration, and are good advices that you are voluntarily taking to heart.

Remember, ‘should’s can come from any significant person, society or yourself (lack of confidence etc).

Give the ‘should’s little cartoon personas. Be aware that they are not your own thoughts and see how you feel about that. Make sure the cartoons are non-threatening, funny and have a range of characteristics. Include voice, image, body language, maybe even speech bubbles, nasty little habits (burping etc), smell etc. Have some fun with it – it is important you feel ‘in charge’ of the image, and thus the voices/opinions coming from it.

This process may not be as easy as it sounds on the pages of a book. Different individuals respond differently to the process, some are often confused, or feel guilty about walking away from all the values that have been imposed on them. Therefore some work may need to be done to help them trust their own judgments. So professional assistance might be suggested if need be.

By addressing all the areas of satisfaction in life, you will be metaphorically ‘dipping your toe’ into a range of experiences and satisfactions. Only by doing this can you verify and discover what really matters to you.

This process of trying experiences out enables you to discover what really matters to you, what works for you and what is enjoyable for you. This is then feed back into the balancing process.

In concluding this little work, we could summarize the reasons why many married women are frustrated as follows:

1) Lack of adequately defined and balanced ‘Self’ state, before and in a marriage relationship,

2) Ignorantly committing martyrdom,

3) Playing inappropriate role(s) within the dynamics of marriage relationship,

4) Living rigid and unbalanced lifestyles and,

5) Inner conflict which results from pursuing surface needs over driving needs.

We have explained these reasons, as well as provided antidotes for them. However, it is important to state that the reconstruction of family life cannot be reduced to something which takes place mechanically, or to the cure of a medical disorder. It can also not be reduced to its social, psychological and legal components.

Attempt has only been made to explore and discuss these reasons using models, theories and principles, which demand a systematic way of seeing and understanding issues. This is also based on the fact that research has shown that there are ways of describing family interaction, and thus a scientific base for family education and family therapy.

Much of the work in family education and therapy involves helping couples to affirm that their experience of each other, though this could often be messy and sometimes unromantic, it is the real thing. All other concepts will have to be done away with because spouses cannot fall back on the concept of the roles they have learned individually and then expect the other party to adapt to it. Spouses must realize the need to jointly construct the role of each person. In a situation where each person essentially is not only different but continuously changing, this is the work of a lifetime.

The pressure of the role(s) imposed on married women in the reality of modern times (i.e. having to combine domestic activities with economic activities) is such that has made women highly vulnerable and susceptible to stress and frustration. Spouses (husbands) and the society should consider their vulnerability and assist them as much as possible. The issue is that many would prefer to retain the rigid and concrete structure of family as they have known it, and this is in many ways the challenge.

Spouses need to engage with each other actively as persons to construct their relationship. Women are married to a person, not simply an institution or a role. These tasks demand reflective, responsive and spiritual parts of us and for many this is unexpected and difficult work. It is different from the romantic beliefs about relationships. But as the saying goes “where there is a will...there will always be a way”!

P  R  O  F  I  L  E

Oluseye Komolafe is a Human Resource Development Consultant with over a decade of professional experience and has been involved in many Human Resource and Organizational Development projects both at the individual and organizational level. He is currently a Senior Consultant with Michael Stevens Consulting and is usually a resource person in many of the firm’s various management and personal development training programmes. He is also a member of the Nigerian Institute of Training and Development (NITAD).

As a Life Coach with a Life Coaching professional certification from the prestigious Stonebridge Associated Colleges in the United Kingdom, He teaches people better ways of meeting the tasks and challenges of life; and prods them to question and change unrealistic assumptions and beliefs. He also offers encouragement to those who are discouraged. He has a simple delivery style, which everyone can understand so that they are able to apply the principles of his approach in practical ways to meet the challenges of daily life.