Levels of Experience (Group Size)
In the levels of experience model we see the different levels of how we fit into the universe around us.
The theory here is that generally one must satisfy the basic needs of each level in order to address the needs of the level or layer above it. In other words, the model expects that individuals should have a clearly defined ‘Self State’, with clearly defined individual goals, derived from one’s ambitions, desires, hopes and dreams. It is after the ‘Self State’ has been defined and balanced that one should progress to the ‘Family’ stage.
Thus, one must ensure one’s own survival and happiness before beginning to build a family unit and being concerned with the needs of that small and special group. Once the family group is stable, then, one tends to look outside it towards other groups to affiliate to and work with. At each level the groups become more all-encompassing and generally more ‘macro’ in nature.
Clearly we are thrust into situations in life that require us to work on multiple levels at once. When we do this, however, typically we are surviving all the levels, not experiencing them fully!
The main point from this model is that it is very important for any individual to ensure that the most ‘micro’ level – in this case, the ‘SELF’ – is stable. Only when the ‘Self’ is stable can the person begin to contribute fully to each of the other stages.
From this model, two reasons why many married women are frustrated are; Undefined ‘Self’-State and Unbalanced ‘Self’ state. ’With no clearly defined and set individual goals, motivated by no ambition, beaming with unfulfilled desires, with hopes only in God for a divine intervention, and memories of childhood dreams and wishes. What other recipe is there for frustration?
In fact they can be said to be ‘living a lie’. This obviously is not just an issue with married women but with most people.
‘Living a lie’ is based on the premise that; “To be or to live less than you are, is a complete denial of who you are”.
Many individuals know quite well that they can achieve much more than they currently do, that they are not living their real lives, that they are not being themselves, even after many years of being in relationships, they know they are only acting as directed either by the society’s expectations of the roles they should be playing or their religion’s or their family’s.
They are trapped in drudgery! What is drudgery? It is simply ‘unloved work’ - nothing more nor less. Any work which is looked down upon, and which is done with the hands whilst the heart and mind are criticizing it, and running out after other things, - any work thus done is drudgery. Work done with the hands and a small and unwilling part of the mind, is drudgery. To him or her who respects, and loves, and does with a will what she finds to do, there is no drudgery.
Many people wake every single day to go to work they know very well they do not like, jobs they are not happy doing, jobs which if given the option they will never choose. But, they go anyway, because they assume they have no choice, they believe they must leave home every morning for somewhere called ‘work’ or else...! Many feel they are trapped in the work, and if they do not do it they are as good as dead!
Some or many of these people may be doing well on the so called jobs and even get to the top the jobs has to offer, but they know the job is only a meal ticket, nothing more.
In other words they know deep within themselves that they are living a lie. This in itself is a cause of frustration.
Let‘s take this a step further!
The majority of women have been wrongly programmed to see relationships such as marriage as end in itself and not as means to an end. They see marriage as the goal of life, expecting that once they are married, they have the solution to all their issues and challenges, and they will be forever happy ever after!
In fact, many young girls have been programmed by their parents, culture, and society, to live for and to please their husbands. But marriage being not an end, fails to meet their expectations, hence frustration sets in as a result of unfulfilled hopes and expectations.
’As important as the family institution is, more important are the individuals who make-up the family institution or unit! Once again: there is but one way to establish harmony in the home, and that is to establish it first in the individual!
If two heads are better than one, then the two heads had better be two good heads, or else the two heads will be worse off than just one good head.
Hence it is important that any two individuals who are going into a relationship of any sort must be individuals with a deep sense of awareness of who they are, what their goals and ambitions in life are, etc. They should be individuals who are comfortable with their identity as an individual and well secured in themselves. They should be individuals who are aware of their strengths, weaknesses, as well as the opportunities and threats around them at various points in their lives. These are issues which can only be sorted at the level of “Self” from our model.
Marriage has no answer to these issues. They are personal issues that can only be successfully dealt with personally, of course with the help and encouragement of others.
Over the years, lots of women (and a whole lot of men) avoid like plague answering fundamental questions like; who am I? What is (are) my life goal(s)? How will I know when I am achieving my goals? etc.
They will rather spend time thinking, meditating, and even praying for answers on questions like who will I marry? And, when will I marry? They assume once the question of who to marry is sorted; all other questions will be answered or will automatically sort themselves. This is of course, until marriage tells them otherwise.
The argument here is not about whether it is wrong or right to ask who will I marry, or to wish to meet and marry the right partner, but that some fundamental personal issues must have been determined because it is mostly outside the jurisdiction of a relationship to answer these questions, even though relationships can greatly influence, make or mar some personal resolutions, especially when such resolutions are not made out of strong convictions at the level of “Self”.
These personal convictions become the foundation on which the family institution is built, and if the foundation is well laid for the individuals coming together to form the family unit, the better for the family.
The Holy Scriptures confirms this theory by asking the rhetorical question: “if the foundation be destroyed, what can the righteous do?” (KJV). It is the convictions of the individuals in a marriage (or in any other relationship for that matter) that fuels and directs the relationship and not the other way round (i.e relationships do not usually direct convictions). Issues like Personal Value System, Character Development, Personal Vision and Personal Mission and so on, should be and are best sorted at the level of “Self”. When they are not sorted at this level, they become a source of conflict and frustration in other areas and at other levels down the line or as the group grows larger.
This model is also applicable to other areas outside the marriage setting. We have heard and seen instances and cases where men and women of ‘great wealth’ and ‘fame’ (celebrities so to speak) are shamefully disgraced by a major or minor character flaw. We have heard of individuals with enviable credentials and high levels of achievement in their careers, yet having issues of low self esteem, and addictions of various kinds. These are symptoms of jumping, or omitting either intentionally or ignorantly issues that should have been sorted at the level of ‘Self’ which later show up as defects in other larger groups.
This highlights a mistake some ‘rich’ husbands make. They assume that all a woman needs is money! Therefore, after depositing lots of money in the woman’s bank account, they see no reason why she should work or ask for more from life. Such men never bother or care enough to ask their poor wives (irrespective of how much is in her bank account) what her dreams are. They never bother to find out if money is all she needs, or if she is even happy at all, in-spite of the money.
Many people can attest to the fact that life is not all about money! So many people (probably including your wife) want more out of life than money!
We are all called to serve irrespective of our status and gender. There is a dimension of an intrinsic joy, that comes from knowing we are not just living for ourselves, that we are leaving our footprints on the sands of history, that humanity will know that we were here long after we have gone - that we came, we served, and contributed to building a better earth and making the earth a better place than we met it, before passing the baton on to the next generation. How can one quantify this feeling and joy in monetary terms, or how can it be monetized?
Husbands need to appreciate their wives even if it is just by reciprocating what their wives have done for them over the years. We are not referring to roles switching here! But just as wives have encouraged many husbands to become nothing less than what they are, and have encouraged and assisted them (their husbands) to take their deserved places in their careers and in the market place, loving and caring husbands too should also begin to ask if they have ignorantly or intentionally neglected the ‘Self’ or the Individuality of their wives.
Just as the wives have been supportive over the years, husbands should assist their wives in discovering who they are, identify with them; and help discover any hidden talent(s) or untapped potential(s) in their wives.
In short, try and re-discover the woman you have lived with for years and yet know so little about! Ask genuinely about her goals, her ambitions and her dreams. Ask her, if you (the husband) were not in the picture what would she have loved to do? Where would she loved to go – physical places? Who would she have loved to be? What would her wardrobe look- like? And so on.
You will be surprised how much of herself and her life, she has sacrificed for you! Even she may not know it! So make it a duty or service and contribution to humanity and help someone identify and discover herself and support her in living to her potential.
Your wife will be eternally grateful and you will begin to see love emit from her to you not just at the emotional level but at a level and dimension that can only be experienced rather than imagined.
On a lighter note; many women in their characteristic emotional response to genuine love and care, will tell their husband: “Honey.... Thanks for caring... but ......you see....actually.....I can’t imagine my life without you......if you are gone ....then I’m gone.....without you.....life has no meaning...my life is empty....blah, blah, blah” and the discussion ends with one or two rounds of love making.
Please, don’t let that happen, at least not until you get what you are looking for.
We should also note that a woman’s dreams and goals after marriage may be genuinely different from her dreams and goals before marriage, and there is nothing wrong with this.