5.
A few days went by, and I was increasingly more awake and aware of the people and my surroundings. What I noticed most was the number of visitors my fellow patients had during visiting hours. Some patients, especially on their first day in the ICU had a loved one sitting vigilantly by their bedside all the time. I had no one, I had not seen or heard from anyone since the accident; I felt so alone. I had probably always been this alone but had been so wrapped up in myself that I had not noticed.
'So Jade, today's the day we take these horrible bandages off for the last time. Aren't you pleased dear?'
My friendly nurse, Mary, was on duty again after having had a few days off. I was so pleased she was to be with me when they revealed what I looked like now. I needed her so desperately. While she was away, I had felt even more alone and lost. The other staff were just as kind and good at their job as she was but I needed her.
'I don't want to see!' I closed my eyes and allowed the salty water to cascade down my cheeks.
The bandage had been removed from my left eye two days prior, and everyone seemed overly impressed with its healing. I was just grateful I still had the eye, but now I wished I was rather blind and spared the visions of my burnt skin. Dr Ronanski arrived and lifted my right hand holding it firmly in his strong but gentle grip.
He smiled and nodded, 'So after many skin grafts and good healing are you ready to see what the results are? Remember there is still a lot of healing that needs to happen, so this is not the final result.'
I shook my head again, 'I don't want to see.'
The words choked me.
'It's understandable Jade, and I won't lie to you and tell you that you won't get a shock when you see yourself. You will. But there are a lot of trained people right here to get you through all of this. Okay, let's start. We will begin with the bandages on your head and work our way down. All right?'
The unwrapping was terrible, the bandages seemed endless as they unwrapped and unwrapped and unwrapped me like a Christmas present. I felt like a rubber doll each time they lifted my torso to get the next round removed. The air felt cool on my body when I was finally free from the wrapping. My arm and leg that got broken were held together with steel rods protruding on the outside; I was an unfinished robot, but the steel rods were not as disturbing as the tight new pink flesh on my arm. I shivered and wanted to throw up. One of the nurses quickly stuck a kidney-shaped silver bowl under my chin.
'I have a large mirror that I am going to hold up so you can see yourself,' Mary said with a smile that was not very convincing.
'I don't want to see!' I cried as I spoke.
They nevertheless held up a large mirror in front of me. I took a while to lift my eyes up to it. When I did, I saw a horrible, distorted person with no hair looking back at me. I was shocked to my core and frightened and terrified and repulsed all at the same time. It was not me; it could not be! I was beautiful; I was perfect. This person was, was, what was this person? This person was a piece of regurgitated flesh, a freak.
'No, no, no!' I burst into loud sobs causing my chest to ache as I clutched at it with my good right hand. I looked at my right hand holding my chest and looked at my left hand lying still beside my body, big silver pins protruding through the replaced skin. I looked back in the mirror at the ghost of a beautiful person looking back at me.
'No, please no,' I sobbed without end.
A few minutes passed, the mirror removed, and Mary consoled me. Her words meant nothing, and as kind as they were, they were meaningless to me. Then Dr Ronanski tried.
'Jade, I know it looks and feels like a disaster at the moment, but after good care and physiotherapy, you will be wonderful again. You have been extremely lucky that your eyes and front facial features got spared any disfigurement. The cosmetic surgery to your left ear is not even noticeable. Once the skin has completely healed and you are a lot stronger, you can have hair implants done. It will be a long journey, but it will be an easy one if you let us help you, Jade.'
The doctor wanted so much for me to believe him as he held my hand and kept his eyes focused on mine. I sank back allowing the pillow to swallow my ridiculous looking head. I detected tears in everyone's eyes; this was not the world I wanted to live in; I would prefer to be dead.
I sank into days of depression, into days of limbo, of feeling utterly numb and worthless, constantly crying at the reminder of what I saw in the mirror. I kept seeing this abhorrent person looking back at me. The eyes, nose and mouth, were the same, but the left side of my head was bare, with burns, scars and an ear that only sort of resembled the other one. The hair was thin, wispy and lifeless on the one side of my head, and there was absolutely no hair on the other side. The imperfect scarring on the left arm extended round to my back. The skin grafts had done what they possibly could to repair my arm and torso however burnt skin never repairs one hundred percent. I was to look this way for the rest of my life. Oh, how I wished I was dead!
'Come along dear, we are going for a ride.'
Mary arrived at my bed with a wheelchair and a porter. After a lot of protesting I did not get my way and after a lot of effort, I was sitting in the wheelchair. Covered with a light blanket, we made our way down the corridor to a lift and the second floor. When the lift doors opened, we exited and turned right down another corridor and through a set of double doors.
The ward was full of children of all ages, they were smiling and laughing but there was one major difference in these children – they were all burnt just like me. How could they be laughing and how or why were they so happy? We were barely in the ward when the children spotted us and came bouncing up to me all speaking at the same time. They touched my arm and my hair, or lack thereof, and it made me shiver with disgust. I could only just bring myself to touch my body, and that was also only when it was necessary.
Mary cheerfully greeted and hugged every child introducing them to me one by one explaining that I had been in a car accident and got burnt. One or two of them exclaimed that they too had burnt in a car. They seemed to find it amusing, but I just sat there. I did not like children, so why would I feel touched by these burnt ones? And yet I was. Some of them were by far more burnt than what I was, some almost completely disfigured and yet through their thin, taut skin they smiled. One little boy only had one eye and the use of only one side of his face and no ears and yet he smiled at me, happy to see me. I started to vomit, and a cute little black-haired girl shoved a plastic bowl under my mouth. She took a wet wipe and wiped my mouth for me when I finished. Her face glowed when I said thank you, and she didn't walk away but stayed by my side smiling every time our eyes made contact. She swayed her body from side to side, and I wondered where she had got burnt; it was clearly not her face. I plucked up the courage to speak to her, her name evading me for the moment.
'Why are you here?' I asked perhaps a little too bluntly.
She lifted her shirt, and I wanted to vomit again. Her entire body horribly burnt and yet she was happily smiling when she showed me her scars.
'Mary, Mary!' I called desperate to get out of this place.
Back in my bed, the inevitable tears and sobs made their way to the exterior of my being. How was it possible that those children were happy and smiled when they looked as hideous and grotesque as I did?
When Mary arrived on duty the next day she arrived with a porter and a wheelchair again.
'Oh no Mary, please no, just leave me here.'
'Nope, those little children have apparently been asking all about you and want you to visit them again.'
I found myself in that ward again surrounded by burnt happy faces, all except one.
'Where is…Uhm, what's her name, the one with the black hair?' I asked Mary.
'She is at the hospital chapel. She goes there every day.'
'Why?' I asked very confusedly.
'You can ask her yourself when you see her again.'