October 2011. A job centre in the north of England.
A young woman walked in, then announced herself. It took just a few minutes to discover what she really wanted from life. “If you’ll follow me,” said the advisor.
The woman followed him. “Have you had far to come?” he asked.
“South shields, like. So not far,” replied the woman.
The advisor opened the door to an office. He pointed to a seat. The woman sat down. So did the advisor. Both faced each other. “Now. What type of work are you looking for?”
“I was thinking of maybe a t.v. presenter,” replied the woman.
“My word. You do have high aspirations.
Have you done that sort of thing before?”
“Yeah. A few years here, then I did some in
America.”
“America. How did that go?”
“Not so well. But I live and hope, like.”
“Well it’s good to be positive. Why do you think that didn’t go so well?” “Coz of what I sound like.”
“Why? What’s wrong with you?” asked the advisor.
“I couldn’t fit in.”
“Have you considered elocution lessons?”
“I had a hell of an electric time. I’ll tell you that for nothing.”
“So you didn’t like it there. Well maybe you’ll please a British audience more.”
“I did, for two years.”
“Then why did you go over to America?” asked the advisor.
“I don’t know, I’m sure. More stardom I suppose,” replied the woman.
“Well stay here. I’m sure Britain will be delighted to have you.”
“You mean see me? Be entertained by me?”
“Yes. That’s exactly what I mean. Are you married?”
“I used to be. Not any more. Hold on, what’s that got to do with me getting a job?” “Oh, I’m just curious. Are you trained in the musical arts?” asked the advisor.
“No,’ replied the woman.
“So how did you…?”
“I did a reality singing contest. I won with four other girls.”
“Yes, I’m sure. Pop?”
“Wholemeal bread helps with that, pet,” said the woman, winking.
“Oh I see. That’s erm very good. A sense of humour always helps in show biz. Reduces the stress during rejection, don’t you know.”
“I heard, yeah. So, you got anything for me, like?”
“There is one possibility. Reality t.v. singing contest requires new judge due to previous one being boring. That might suit you.” “I’ll do anything, me. Does it pay well?”
“I’m sure it’d suit your high flying life style very well.”
“Out of interest, who will I be replacing?” asked the woman.
“From what I saw, any one of them,” replied the advisor.
“Oh. That’d be good then. I like working in a team as well.”
“That’s very much a plus on any c.v. Have you brought a copy?”
“No. I didn’t see the point. I summed up my work history just then.”
“I see. Good. I’ll give them a call.” The advisor picked up the phone. “Hello. I have an applicant for the post of t.v. music judge.” A few seconds elapsed. “I see. Well, thank you.” The advisor hung up. “I’ve emailed
them your details. There is one other thing.”
“Oh?”
“Are you Australian?”
“No. Why do you ask that?”
“Well the boss does like the southern belle.” “Like hemisphere?”
“Yes.” The advisor pressed a few more keys on his computer terminal. “Ah. It would seem we do have another vacancy that just up your street.”
“Oh Good. I like vacancies, me. Where is it?” “Brazil. It’s a game show where the contestants wrestle with each other to win a date.”
“I heard of that one. But I have my make up done by someone else, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh. Sorry. No more vacancies for you today then, thank you,” said the advisor.
“Ok. Well thanks for looking. Maybe I know where my real talent lies, after all.” The woman walked out.
Another advisor walked in. “How did it go with that singer?”
“I didn’t like her at all. She totally harassed me for being a make up artist in my spare time. I wouldn’t mind but I’m not into football.”
“What about dancing?”
“Now don’t get me started on that.”
“Do you help anyone find work?”
“I suppose you think I just munch biscuits all day.”