An office in Manchester. It was Lionel’s last day at his job. Cupid was also at work.
“We’ve caught him, Mr Bainbridge. All on
DVD for you.”
“Thank you,” said the boss, Mr Bainbridge. The private investigators left the office. “Miss Jacobs? Send in Lionel, would you?” asked Mr Bainbridge.
“Yes, Mr Bainbridge,” she replied.
Lionel appeared. Mr Bainbridge gestured for him to sit down. He did.
“Your days are numbered, Lionel. How dare you?” asked Mr Bainbridge.
“How dare I what, Mr Bainbridge?” asked Lionel.
“You must have thought I’d be too embarrassed to mention it. Well. Let me tell you. I’m not. I say again, how dare you?”
“What’s that then, Mr Bainbridge?” “Wank on company time,” replied Mr Bainbridge. “What?” Lionel asked, shivering. “Yes. I’ll bet your kecks are shaking to let something go. You thought no one would dare have the nerve to mention it. Well I do. You’re fired. Teach you to wank on the premises of any company, that will.”
“I see.”
“Yes. I’ll bet you do.”
“Do you have evidence?” asked Lionel.
“I do. Would you like to see it?”
“Yes, please.”
Mr Bainbridge inserted the DVD. The monitor started playing.
Lionel approached the monitor. “Oh. I don’t mind that. That’s a big one, that is,” said Lionel, with a grin.
“What?”
“My cock.”
“Who cares? You wank you do. You’ve been caught with your trousers down having a wank. You’re finished.”
“Haven’t I got a big cock?”
“Never mind the size of your cock. Oh my God. You’ve got me at it now.” Mr Bainbridge put his head in his hands. “Look. Your career days are over.”
“At least I’ve got a big cock, eh.”
“I don’t care about the size of your thingy.
Get out now.”
“Alright. So I’ve been caught. I’ve lost my job. But at least I’ve got a big cock,” said Lionel, still grinning.
“It only looks big on screen. The screen makes things look bigger,” said Mr Bainbridge.
“It’s big in real life, as well.”
“Listen. You need to be grateful this company's got a complaints procedure.”
“Why’s that then, Mr Bainbridge?” “Because, my dear chap, you’d be severely harassed out of your job by everyone for what you’ve done, instead of being given a gentle prod out by me.”
“I see.”
“But sadly for you the disciplinary procedure doesn’t apply. What you’ve done is too disgusting to tolerate.”
“Oh. Any advice you can give me?” asked Lionel.
“Yes. Don’t work in an office again. You’ll be a laughing stock.”
“I won’t mind that,” said Lionel.
“Why not?”
“I’ve been in adult films doing it with beautiful women. Why would I care what my fellow workers think?”
“Take it up full time then. Good luck to you.
Run along now. I’ve got a business to run.” “Very good, Mr Bainbridge. Ta ta then,” said Lionel. He walked out unflustered.
Mr Bainbridge felt frustrated. “Miss Jacobs?
Would you come in for a moment?” Miss Jacobs appeared.
“Hello my dear,” said Mr Bainbridge. “I’d like to interest you in some more money.”
Miss Jacobs gave Mr Bainbridge a twirl in her work outfit, then smiled back at him. Mr Bainbridge gave her the most enthusiastic smile he had ever given to anyone ever.