Ego is that thing that makes you aware of yourself. It makes you feel self-conscience. Maybe you are standing in a room full of people and you feel uncomfortable because you are underdressed, or over-dressed.
That is ego.
It’s the thing that makes you focus on yourself instead of what is going on in front of you. Maybe you are in the middle of a conversation and you are thinking of what you want to say next instead of listening to what the other person has to say. That is ego.
To make it simple, another word you can use for ego is self.
Think about it for a minute.
Self-conscience.
Conscience of yourself.
Now try to remember a time when you were completely unaware of yourself.
You were probably watching a football game or listening to your favorite song. Or maybe you were working on a project like refinishing a piece of furniture or painting a picture. But whatever you were doing, you were so involved in it that you were completely present. Completely immersed in the thing you were doing.
Ego is fear.
Sometimes it uses words, and sometimes it just uses feelings. It’s the thing that makes you feel stupid when you are trying to learn something new.
Imagine you are trying to learn how to ice skate and your legs are all wobbly. If you are out of your ego, you feel the coolness of the air on your face and the slippery feeling of the ice under your feet. Your heart swoons with joy when you slide across the ice and your stomach bubbles up inside you when you lose your balance for just a moment. Your feelings are similar to those you might have if you were on a ride at Disney World.
But if self is conscience, you hardly notice the coolness or the exhilarating feeling of sliding. Instead you secretly look around you to see who might be watching. You miss the joy. You miss the ride entirely.
Try this: Go outside and go for a walk. Be aware of your senses. Feel the temperature of the air on your skin. Take a deep breath and smell the air. Look at the color of the sky and at the fine details of your environment. Focus on what you can hear. Are there birds singing?
Become present.
Now let’s talk about sitting with a homeless man.
You are in a little island town. It’s eleven-thirty at night. There is music blaring off in the distance. Garbage is strewn along the sides of the streets. A few drunk Jamaican boys are hollering at each other. Young, party-loving tourists are raiding the grocery store looking for something to eat. It’s raining.
You are sitting under the eaves of the grocery store to stay dry and the young partiers are walking right past you. You are sitting on the cement. The damp cement. You are sitting on the cement and the homeless man is sitting on his cardboard. And the faint smell of that garbage drifts over to you, stronger sometimes depending on the gusts of wind and rain.
Are you uncomfortable? Are you aware of the brief, but strange looks you are getting from the vacationing partiers? Are you aware of the elevated emotions of the yelling drunk Jamaicans? Are you feeling disgusted by the sweet rotting smell of the trash?
The answer would almost have to be yes.
That is our normal reaction. It was mine. I felt all those things. They came to me quickly. Even repeatedly. I am not immune to the ploy of ego.
But if I had given my attention to those things, I would have missed one of the most amazing stories I have ever heard. I would not have listened intently to the man in front of me and I would have found it so difficult to understand his speech that I probably would have walked away. He spoke Creole English and Spanish mixed and he told me stories of pirates and drug running and evil spirits and growing up in Latin America. His story blew me away.
But there is more to this ego thing. And it’s the part gentle souls who want to save the world don’t like to hear.
Can you envision yourself sitting there, next to the homeless man and listening intently to him and pushing away the outside distractions? I am sure you can. Now look inside your thoughts are see what is there. Are you wondering what you can say to help this man? Do you have a plan to help him and you are wondering when you will get the right break in the conversation to give him your message?
Then you are still self-aware.
Your ego is showing.
And he can see it.
However much you may want to help him, he can feel that you have an agenda. Your eyes flit back and forth reading the text that is inside your thoughts and the homeless man sees that he doesn’t have your full attention.
So he begins to shut down. He doesn’t trust you. You are not there simply because you care. You are not interested in being his friend. You are there because of your own self-interest.
Sounds harsh, I know.
But let the truth of it sink in.
Try to put yourself in the homeless man’s shoes. He doesn’t have many friends. Yes, people throw him a few coins or even take him into a restaurant and buy him something to eat. But he can feel their pity. He is thankful for what he has received, but he has to endure barely veiled disgust to receive it. Try to imagine how you might feel if you knew someone was only taking you out to eat because they were appalled at your life and felt bad for you.
In order to really love, you have to get past your own agenda. You have to forget yourself and become genuinely interested in the one in front of you. You have to let go of fear. Fear keeps you defensive. It separates you from the person standing in front of you. It isn’t until you lose consciousness of yourself that you can truly connect. And that authentic connection is the most beautiful gift you can give that person.
I know if you are reading this, you DO have a heart to help. And if you persevere, the material things will fall into place. By getting to know that homeless man, you will discover what his real needs are. And ideally, you will be able to help him come up with some long term solutions. But what is more precious than anything. What he needs more than your pity or your concern or even the dollars in your pocket…is a friend.