When they got back to the church it was almost five and the sun was already starting to set. They had to explain to Dave and Brad why they had returned without JP and Alex. It was colder than ever. Jill felt tired to her bones, and her chest felt tight and tense, as if her heart had somehow shifted its position. All she wanted to do was go to her bed and cry, or get out her notebook and write something, but she busied herself in the kitchen, cooking supper with Melissa and the others. When they all sat down to eat, without JP and Alex, she thought she really might start to cry. It was dark now. She knew that she needed to trust God and leave the situation in his hands, and that the guys would probably be perfectly fine, but she was so tired, and it was very hard not to feel worried and restless. She managed to force down some supper, and noticed that Melissa didn’t eat much either.
After they had cleaned up they sat around the table with mugs of hot chocolate. They were all a little subdued.
“Should we pray together?” asked Mark. “We’re all a bit worried and I think we should pray.”
Jill was so grateful to Mark for saying that. She had been reluctant
to suggest it herself, afraid of betraying her feelings. But she still avoided looking at him.
“Yes, we should,” said Melissa. “For this poor man, and for our guys and Solomon. It’s so hard not to know what’s happening!” She was a little teary, and Berenice put her arm around her.
“Try not to worry, Mel,” she said. “If anyone can handle something like this, it’s those three.”
“You know,” said James, as they were about to bow their heads. “If we’re going to be praying together – Alex has been asking a lot of questions. We’ve been sitting together the last few evenings reading the Bible. He’s in a very different place to where he was. He’s searching for answers, and I think he’s finding them. God is answering our prayers for him; I can see it so clearly. Let’s pray for what’s happening in his heart, as well as for his safety.”
Jill stared at James. They had been reading the Bible together?
Alex was finding answers?
“That’s awesome,” said Dave. “Really awesome, James.”
“It is,” said James. “To be honest, I think he just needs time to sort things out in his mind. I wish he wasn’t leaving in a few days.”
“I’m so glad,” said Berenice. “To face a future with that terrible disease without faith, without a bigger perspective … I’ll keep praying that he finds the answers he needs.”
They closed their eyes and prayed. Jill sat silent, unable to join the prayers out loud. He just needed time? Could it be true? The knot in her chest stubbornly remained.
The evening dragged by. At about seven they heard hooves and rushed outside, but it was someone else. Pastor Isaac came into the hall to talk to them, reassuring them that their friends were safe with Solomon. He knew this area so well he would be able to find his way even if there was no moon. He also suggested that if Solomon thought it was necessary they would stay overnight in the village.
“Come Jill,” said Berenice. “Let’s get the other girls and play Bananagrams around the table. I’m sure they’ll be back soon.”
Jill tried to get her mind off it but she found it impossible to concentrate on the word game she usually loved playing. She felt so restless. She was exhausted but she didn’t want to go to bed until they came back. Eight o’clock came and there was still no sign of them. At nine Berenice wanted to go to bed, but Jill could not imagine sleeping when she felt so wound up and nervous. She couldn’t stay in the hall either, though because the other guys needed to go to bed. Waiting outside was out of the question.
“Come and wait with me,” said Melissa, sensing Jill’s reluctance to go with Berenice.
“Thank you,” said Jill, gratefully, but she wasn’t unaware of the significance of Melissa’s offer. Was it obvious to everyone? Melissa was waiting up for her husband, and Jill was waiting up for Alex. Jill felt so tense that she didn’t really care, although she noticed Mark’s surprise.
Jill and Melissa huddled up on the mattress on the floor in the little room that had been built onto the side of one of the village houses. There was a separate door to the outside so they didn’t need to disturb their hosts. It was so cold that they sat under all the sleeping bags and blankets, a candle on an upturned tin beside the bed their only light. Jill sat back against the cold wall and pulled the blankets tightly around her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, willing her heart to stop beating so fast. It had all happened at the same time – her realisation that her feelings for Alex had completely changed, and his disappearance over a cold, dark mountain. It all felt too much.
“Are you okay, Jill?” asked Melissa, shivering as she got underneath the blankets. “I’m sure they’re fine.”
“I’m okay,” said Jill. “I’m a little worried but it’s not just that. I feel … freaked out, I think. It’s all bit much. Sorry. I’m not making sense, am I?”
Melissa was silent for a while. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yes,” whispered Jill. “I do, but I don’t even have words for what’s going on with me right now.”
“I don’t think it’s that complicated, Jill. You’re worried about Alex because he’s not just a friend any more. You’ve realised that he’s more than that to you.”
“Can everyone see?” asked Jill. “I feel as if it’s all over my face. I can’t look at Mark.”
“I can’t speak for the others,” said Melissa. “Maybe I’m noticing because I’ve been there myself. When JP and I got together I could hardly speak or eat for a week. But I got over it.” She smiled and patted Jill on the shoulder.
“Mel, I’m so confused,” said Jill. “Alex isn’t a Christian. At least not yet. Maybe he will be one day, but how can I feel this way when the most important thing is missing?”
“Maybe it won’t be missing for long, Jill. I can understand it, though. You guys seem really close. But what I don’t understand is where it all comes from. I’ve known you for a few years and you’ve never mentioned him.”
“It’s not out of nowhere, Mel, although we haven’t seen each other since we were seventeen. We were good friends for the short time he was in Marshall Bay. But I wasn’t interested. I really wasn’t. He was just too much. A bit arrogant, too smooth and I don’t know … entitled, maybe? He assumed I would just like him back even when I told him I didn’t. And he wasn’t interested in Christianity. He was confident he could manage his own life. He didn’t think he needed God.”
“That doesn’t sound like the Alex I know – asking us to pray for him, and huddling over a Bible with James. Never mind volunteering to go out in the dark and help a stranger.”
“No, he’s so different now. You wouldn’t believe how different. All the things he was so confident in are threatened now, because of this disease. Now, it’s as if his despair has brought him down to earth.”
“And the more he is humbled, the more you are drawn to him,” said Melissa.
Jill stared at her friend. “That’s exactly it, Mel,” she said. “We always had the friendship part. Now he’s turning into someone I can respect.”
“From what I’ve seen he might be worthy of that.”
“Oh Mel,” said Jill. The tears came now, streaming down her face. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I thought I would meet someone, get to know him and at some point realise he was the one. It’s all the wrong way around.”
“Oh Jill, don’t cry!” said Melissa, shifting over to give her friend a hug. Jill buried her head in her friend’s shoulder. “Think of it this way. Mark could have been a ready-made husband for you but you knew it wasn’t right. Instead you find yourself falling for a work in progress.”
Jill sat up and wiped her eyes. “Oh Mel, that’s exactly it, again. A work in progress. But then there’s Huntington’s hanging over him. I know he won’t want to burden me with that, if he even feels anything for me anymore. The timing is terrible. It all feels impossible.” She leant back and closed her eyes. “A work in progress. Mel, you are a genius. I wonder where he is right now.”
“Me too,” said Mel. “I might just have a little cry too. The thought of JP out there in the mountains freaks me out.”
Time passed slowly. After a while Jill stopped checking her watch and kept her eyes closed. She was too tired to read or even to think much. Eleven o’clock came, then midnight, and still nothing. They both dozed a little, and at two in the morning sleepily agreed that the guys must be spending the night in the village. After that they must have both fallen asleep, because it was four o’clock when Melissa shook Jill awake.
“Jill,” she said. “Do you hear that?” The candle had burned out and the only light came from the moon shining through the one small window.
Jill opened her eyes and listened. “Horses!” she said. She jumped up and opened the door. They were both still wearing their jackets and shoes, so they made their way across the grass to where they thought they could see something. Jill thought her heart would burst when she saw Solomon, dismounting from his pony, and behind him JP and Alex stiffly doing the same. Melissa ran to JP at once, and Jill’s first instinct was to rush to Alex, but she held back, suddenly feeling very shy.
“Hello Jill,” said Solomon. “You wait for us?”
“Yes,” said Jill. Keeping her voice steady was an effort. “I am so glad you are safely back.” It was very dark, so she couldn’t see Alex’s face until he handed his reins to Solomon and came closer. She did notice he was wearing her beanie.
“Hey,” he said. “You’re up?” He seemed surprised, but pleased too. Looking into his face for the first time since her great epiphany was intense. She felt as if her insides were melting.
“We were worried,” she managed to say. “Are you okay?”
“We’re fine,” said Alex. “Tired and sore from all the riding, but fine.”
“How’s the patient?” asked Melissa, looking up at her husband.
“He’s badly hurt,” said JP. “His leg is broken and he has a head injury. When we got there, he was unconscious. It took a while to get him to come around, but a couple of hours ago he did and I think he’ll be fine once he gets to a hospital. We’re going to call the flying doctor now to fetch him as soon as they can. I’m going to have to wake Pastor Isaac up.”
It turned out he didn’t need to. Pastor Isaac had heard their arrival and was at his door. JP and Melissa went over to him, and Solomon took the ponies off to put them in the paddock nearby.
“Should I help, Solomon?” asked Alex.
“No, you go sleep. Thank you for helping our people, Doctor Alex.”
“I’m not a doctor yet,” said Alex, as Solomon and the ponies disappeared into the moonlight.
“I can try to make you some tea,” said Jill, suddenly alone with Alex now. “The guys are sleeping in the hall, though.” Her voice wasn’t co-operating any more. It was wobbling badly. She was glad it was dark so he couldn’t see how hard she was trying not to cry with relief that he was back safely.
“It’s okay,” said Alex. “I don’t need tea. Come here.” He stepped towards her, put his arms around her and held her close. She leant her head against his jacket, held him tight around his waist, and breathed out all her worry. He smelt terrible, of smoke and musty huts, and horses, but she didn’t care. He was safe. “You were worried about me?”
“Yes,” said Jill. “But very proud of you too.” She didn’t move, soaking up the feeling of his arms around her.
“I’m fine,” he said. “I have never been so tired, and riding a horse uses muscles I didn’t know I had. But I’m fine. Maybe even a little exhilarated, actually.”
They pulled away from each other. “Sorry,” said Jill, wiping her eyes with her hand. “I’m just … happy you’re safe.”
“Me too,” he said. “No need to be sorry. And thanks for this,” he said, pulling off her beanie and pressing it into her hand. “I don’t know what I would have done without it.”
“I’m sure you just want to crash,” she said, taking it from him. “I don’t want to keep you up.” “It’s okay,” he said.
“See you in the morning, then,” said Jill.
“Thank you for waiting up for me, Jill,” he said, softly.
She didn’t reply, just walked off across the field to creep carefully into the house and into bed next to Berenice. She didn’t even undress or brush her teeth, just took off her shoes and jacket and crawled in. Thank you, Lord, she prayed. Thank you, thank you so much. I don’t know what to do with what I feel. Please carry on with what you are doing with him, Father. I prayed that you wouldn’t let him ignore you forever and I know you are answering my prayer.
22
Jill only woke up the next morning when Berenice shook her awake. “Jill!” she was saying. “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty! It’s Sunday and you can’t miss the church service.”
Jill groaned, her body crying out for more sleep. She groaned a little more when she tried to get up, her legs and back so stiff from the long horse ride the day before that she couldn’t move without hurting. At least the sun was shining outside. Her body was so sore that the events of the night before, the worry and the stress and also the memory of Alex holding her in his arms in the dark, were pushed to the back of her mind.
“Oh Berenice,” she said. “I feel as if I’ve been hit by a truck.”
Berenice, who had already been up and dressed for an hour, grinned and patted her on the back. “Chickee, you are lucky you have a friend like me. I have filled the tub with hot water for you. Not as good as a bath but it’s going to help. That, and two of these.” She held out two capsules and a glass of water.
“Berenice, you are the best friend in the world,” said Jill, gratefully. “What have I done to deserve this?”
“Nothing yet,” said Berenice. “When we’re home you can invite
me for cheesecake, how about that?”
Jill took the pills and stood up. “Alex must feel way worse than I do,” she said. “JP has Melissa to take care of him but …”
“Don’t worry about your friend,” said Berenice. “A little bird might have whispered in James’ ear to make him a hot drink and get him going with his tub bath. He might even be eating breakfast this very minute, fresh as a tulip.”
Jill looked at her friend for a minute, and suddenly the emotions were overwhelming. She put her face in her hands, sat back down on the bed and cried. “Hey, don’t cry,” said Berenice, putting her arm around her. “It’s okay. They’re back safe and he’s okay. Don’t worry that pretty little head of yours.”
Jill cried for a minute and then managed to pull herself together. “Sorry,” she said, taking big gulps of air. “I seem to be a bit of a wreck today.”
“I know, Chickee, I have seen this before. When Melissa and JP got together we sat in the Mugg and Bean and she cried over apple pie she couldn’t eat. You’ll be fine in a few days.”
Again, Jill stared at Berenice, realising what she was saying. “Oh Berenice,” she said. “It’s not like that. This is not us getting together. It’s just me, me being so stupid. How could it ever work out between us?” There were more tears, and another hug.
“Don’t ask me,” said Berenice, patting her back. “I am hardly the expert at these things. But I do know that if you have that bath before the water gets cold, and then go and have breakfast and go to church, things will look a lot brighter than they do right now. So. I’ll leave you to it.” She stood up and headed for the door. “Don’t be too long,” she said. “We need to clear out the hall before the service.”
Jill’s heart felt as bruised and tired as her body, but Berenice was right, and the wash and the medication helped a lot. When she got to the church she felt better, ready to face everyone and try to pretend that everything hadn’t turned upside down. She saw him as soon as she walked up to the kitchen door, her eyes automatically homing in on his now very grubby blue parka. He sat at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. Through the door she could see the church being swept out by some of the local congregation, helped by Dave, Brad and James. She took a breath and got herself some cereal, suddenly feeling ravenous. She knew she needed to try not to act any differently, and that meant sitting down at the table to eat with him as she usually did.
“Morning,” she said as she sat down, trying to sound breezy and casual.
He looked up and smiled at her. “Hey,” he said. It was all she needed. There was never any reason to be awkward with Alex for long. Everything had changed, yes, but it was okay for now. He wasn’t acting differently towards her, and she relaxed. She ate her breakfast and drank her tea, and felt much better for it. He asked how she was, and how her arm was feeling. He told her that according to Pastor Isaac the plane had flown over early that morning on its way to the airstrip to fetch their patient, but that he had slept right through it. They commiserated over their aching muscles. It was all just as it always had been, but so different too. Now she drank in his smiles; they warmed her as much the mug of tea she clasped between her hands.
Thankfully Melissa and Berenice acted as if nothing was different, and soon the hall was cleared out, the breakfast was cleaned up and preparations for the church service were underway. The team had been told that the service would start at ten, but by that time nothing much had happened besides the few people arriving to sweep. At five past ten Pastor Isaac emerged from his house, and at twenty past an old woman walked up to a pole in the grass in front of the building, took hold of a metal rod attached to the pole by a chain, and started clanging it against the pole. The team stood around, unsure of what to do. Had they got the time wrong? By ten thirty a trickle of smartly dressed people became a steady stream, and it was well after eleven by the time everyone was inside and the service began.
Alex hadn’t been to many church services in his life other than the watered-down chapel services at his school. James had told them all to bring something smart to wear for church, but all he could find in amongst the clothes he had thrown in his bag the week before were his least dirty jeans and a dark sweater. He tried at least to clean off his very dusty shoes and had combed his hair, although he hadn’t managed to find a mirror anywhere. Jill and the other women were in skirts. He stood in awe as the singing began, one person leading in front, and the unaccompanied voices of the rest of the congregation filling the small building with harmonies. It was all in Sesotho of course, but one or two of the songs were hymns whose tunes he recognised from school. The team had been placed in prime position in the front of the church, right in front of the low wooden platform on which Pastor Isaac and some other older men stood. He wished they were further back so that he could watch the people. There was no instrumental accompaniment at all. He clapped along, and at one point he nearly jumped out of his skin when someone started blowing a whistle loudly in time to the song. It was so loud he would have liked to put his hands over his ears, but he didn’t want to be rude.
As the service progressed, he realised that although it had begun
so late, there were still people drifting in. At one point an older man in a mint-green shirt and a suit walked through the door with his wife. It was already over an hour after the service was supposed to have begun but there were no disapproving glances or comments – in fact Pastor Isaac stopped what he had been saying to welcome the man, who turned out to be a pastor friend of his. When Alex turned around at the end of what seemed like at least five or six very long songs, the church was almost half as full again as it had been when the service had begun. At home this would be rude, he thought.
Here, no one seemed to mind at all.
The team were thanked by one of the elders and by Pastor Isaac, the long speeches translated by Solomon for their benefit. Then James got up and spoke, thanking the congregation for hosting them and welcoming them so warmly. There were some long prayers, translated by Solomon, whose translations usually took a quarter of the time to say as the prayers themselves.
Alex tried to follow along with the translation, but he was struggling to concentrate. He read along in his Bible when someone got up to read, but it was hard to follow the sermon. He was so tired after the adventures of the night before, and his muscles ached badly after all the unaccustomed riding. He also had Jill on his mind, as he often did, thinking about what it meant that she had waited up for him, and wondering why she had seemed so emotional when he had returned. She feels responsible for me, he thought. That had to be it. He replayed the moments that she had been in his arms over and over in his head. Sorry, God, he said to himself as he realised that he had not heard a word for a few minutes. I shouldn’t be sitting in a church service thinking about hugging Jill. He tried to listen after that, but later when James asked him what he had thought of the sermon, he didn’t have much to say at all.
After the service, the guys took a turn to make lunch. JP and Alex, who were both looking pale and exhausted, were excused, and James, Dave, Brad and Mark made a big pile of sandwiches. Jill ate hers at a table with Melissa and Kelly, aware with every sense that Alex was at the next table, telling the other guys about what had happened the night before. She was only attempting to eat her lunch. Her appetite had disappeared and she ate only because she didn’t want to draw attention to herself. She felt wired and nervous, and wished she had somewhere private to go to think for a few hours. And to write. She had a poem in her head and couldn’t wait to get to her notebook and pen. All she really wanted was her mug of hot tea, which she held in both her hands as she looked at her half-eaten sandwich and wondered if she could manage any more.
Suddenly Mark appeared at the table. He had his empty plate in his hand.
“Hi,” he said to all of them.
“Hi Mark,” said Melissa.
“I hear the guys got back very late last night,” he said.
“Yes,” she said. “We were worried but it all turned out fine. They
are very tired today, though.”
“I’m sure,” he said. “I’m glad they are safe.” He turned to Jill. “Jill, could I have a word with you outside? When you’re done, of course.”
Jill’s heart sank. It was time to face this mess at last. She didn’t want to, but it had to be done. “I’m finished,” she said, picking up her plate and standing up. “Now’s fine.” Melissa gave her a sympathetic look as she left the table with Mark. They left their plates at the sink and went outside.
“It’s freezing,” said Jill. “Is there somewhere else we can go?” Her teeth chattered and the cut on her wrist ached.
“I don’t know,” said Mark. “But we need to talk and it can’t be in there with everyone else.”
“Please,” said Jill. “I’ve hardly slept and it’s just too cold out here. What about the office?”
“Okay,” said Mark. He went into the church to ask Pastor Isaac for the key. Jill walked towards the office to wait for him, dreading this conversation more than ever. What am I going to say? she wondered. Especially now – she did not want Mark to know how she felt about Alex before she had even properly figured it out herself.
It seemed to take forever to open the door, shut it again and then get out two chairs so they could face each other to begin. This feels like a procedure, thought Jill. Like going to the dentist or something.
She could not wait until it was over.
Mark sat across from her on a plastic chair. He leant forward, his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped in front.
“We need to talk,” he said. “I’ll get straight to the point.” “Yes please,” said Jill.
“A few weeks ago, I thought that things were good between us,”
he said. “We were spending some time together.”
“Yes,” she said. “We were.”
“I hoped it was leading back to a relationship.”
“It wasn’t, Mark,” said Jill. “I wasn’t hoping that.”
“I misread you completely, then,” said Mark. “I asked you for coffee, you helped me with that presentation I had to make – I thought you wanted to spend time with me.”
“I did, Mark. But I never said I wanted more than that. That was your own assumption.”
“So that’s it, then. You are not interested in pursuing a relationship.”
“No, I’m not. I owe it to you to make that clear. And I know I’m not going to be in the future either. You have been a very good friend to me, and please don’t think I don’t appreciate that. I wanted you around.”
Mark was quiet, considering what she had just said. “Were you thinking about it? Was getting back together a possibility? Maybe I’m not the best at picking up things like that but I really thought it was.”
Jill knew she had to be honest. “I … I did think about it. You are a great guy, Mark. You are honest and dependable and committed to the church and your job. And I