I felt funny about Issa doing his tests for mastery of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. With Penny and Michael, I had been right there the whole time, helping them, teaching them, even improving my skills as they learned theirs.
I hadn’t been there with Issa. I hadn’t taught him much of anything. Penny and Michael had done it all.
I told Penny I’d meet them at the park. I went early, crept into the silent Grove, and took a big swig of wine from the container Issa kept in the storage hollow. The feeling that people were passing me by, leaving me behind, was bothering me deeply.
I went out and met the others. Dulcy was excited. We had told her we would be flexible with the tests, that it was the effort and self-discipline that counted. Issa’s tests began, and I just tagged along, enjoying the wine in my head, not knowing what else to do. He did fine in the maples and alders, climbing slowly but with strength and confidence.
We all piled into Dulcy’s Volkswagen and buzzed out to the swimming beach. Since Dulcy and Issa were the biggest two, they sat in the front, and the rest of us squeezed in the back. I thought about Dulcy and Issa as a couple again. I wondered if Dulcy would like being Jewish.
Issa swam the mile, only resting twice on the way back. I looked out across the water and remembered the times I had gone the four miles. It seemed so long ago.
Back at the park, Issa ran through the wild area, then built a fire in one of
the barbecues. We ate our lunch, but I didn’t taste much of it — I couldn’t feel the wine anymore, just the loneliness and tears right under the surface that I didn’t dare let out.
Issa ran three miles. I cheered with the rest. Penny looked at me. I told her to go ahead.
“Issa,” she said, “you are our brother forever.”
Just a few days after Penny turned 12, I came home from shopping for a new summer blouse. I walked into the dining room and stopped dead in my tracks. Something was wrong. Something was missing. For so long the large Search and Rescue receiver had sat on the buffet table, silently monitoring one special radio frequency. Every few months it had come to life, calling me to some kind of rescue. A child lost in the woods. A boating accident. We had even helped during the power failure last summer.
Now it was gone. I felt a big hole in my life, an emptiness that cried out to be filled. I jumped when my mom put her hands on my shoulders from behind.
“I’m sorry, Honey. Jack came over today. He said you haven’t been to a meeting in four months. I even found the little receiver in your room, the one you’re supposed to carry with you.”
Tears were trying to come out, but I wouldn’t let them.
“He did say,” she went on, “that you would be welcomed back if you ever wanted to rejoin the team.”
I went to my room and slammed the door. Clutching my pillow, I finally cried myself to sleep.
Michael was planning his Vision Quest. Penny talked me into going to the State Park with her. “Remember, Ariel, how we always wanted to do this together, but we couldn’t because one or the other of us was doing our Vision Quest? Now we can!”
“Okay. It sounds like fun.”
Michael arranged for an extra day off from the bakery, and we all gathered early in the morning to clear out the stuff at the Grove. Dulcy had never seemed bothered by the idea of the elements tests, even though she would
have a hard time doing them, but the Vision Quest scared her, I think.
Michael checked his pockets. He looked ready. He and Penny kissed before they parted. I looked at the ground.
As Penny and I rode toward the State Park, I realized how out of shape I was. I tried not to show it, but I was exhausted by the time we got there. My guts hurt and my legs were sore. And I was mad at myself.
After we set up our tent, Penny got into her swimsuit. I sat on a log and looked at the trees and some people playing volleyball. They made me remember my first camping trip here, when Penny was doing her Vision Quest.
“I know I don’t swim very well anymore, but I thought I’d just get wet at the swimming area. Aren’t you going to swim?” Penny asked.
“I don’t feel good. I think I’ll just watch.”
Penny dog-paddled around for a few minutes, then joined me to soak up the sunshine. A year ago we would have been chatting about all kinds of things by now. Instead, very few words passed between us. Part of me blamed Penny for everything — getting Michael, my school grades going down, being kicked off the Search and Rescue team. The other part of me had not quite decided, but was seriously considering blaming her.
I agreed to do some boy watching. I’m not sure if Penny was doing it for my benefit, or what. She spotted several she thought would be perfect for me.
I tried, but I just couldn’t make myself feel interested in them. She was so busy pointing them out to me, she almost jumped when a tall blond guy about 14 sat down beside her.
“Do you live around here?” he asked.
“On the east side of town. We go to Washington School. This is my friend
. . .” Penny started to say.
“Me and a friend are camping in the woods. You want to come see our camp? It’s neat. We could eat some lunch or something.”
“Okay!” Penny said. Then a shadow came across her face and she touched the amulet of faithfulness she was wearing. “Um . . . maybe I shouldn’t. I’d like to, but . . . no . . . no thank you,” she said.
“Maybe
tonight?”
“Maybe,” Penny said.
“See you!” he said and left.
I was closer to giggling than I had been in months. Penny sat there with her chin in her hands. She looked embarrassed.
“I won’t tell anyone, whatever you do,” I said. I knew it would be the perfect opportunity to frame her, but I couldn’t do it.
That cured Penny of boy watching for a while. We walked around the lake and in the woods for the rest of the afternoon. She kept asking me if I wanted to do stuff — climb trees, run, swim ~- and I always said no. None of it sounded like fun. We went back to the tent, ate dinner, and it started to get dark.
I was sleepy and wanted to go to bed. I could tell Penny was restless.
“Penny, why don’t you go on a walk or something. It’s okay.”
“I’m afraid. But I’ll go crazy if I stay here.” She put on her coat and disappeared into the darkness.
I didn’t go right to sleep. I kept wondering what I’d do if Penny and Michael broke up. What if she finds that guy and gets pregnant? She could tell Michael it was his. I could tell him the truth. Would I want Michael then?
I thought about it for a long time. I decided I wouldn’t. He wasn’t the same Michael I was in love with last year. Or was I just afraid he wouldn’t want me?
I woke up. Sun was on the tent, but Penny was still fast asleep beside me in her sleeping bag. I imagined what she might have done last night as I watched shadows of leaves play on the tent. Why couldn’t it have been me?
I finally got up, washed my face, and rolled up my sleeping bag. Penny still didn’t wake up. I sat in the cool morning sunshine and ate breakfast. Finally she stirred.
“What time is it?”
“Ten. You must have been up late.”
She buried her face in her hands. “Yeah.”
“Want some breakfast?”
“I guess I had to test myself some more last night. I wanted to be faithful to Michael, and I was, but something in me wanted to come close . . .”
We had our bikes all packed by noon, wandered around a little more, then rode hack to town. I was bored stiff. Penny agreed to poke around in stores
with me. In the herb store I stared at all the jars and wondered which herb Dulcy used to make that wonderful smoke. I bought us a late lunch at the snack bar, and we wandered around on the beach at the park waiting for sunset.
As the sun got low, Penny became excited. We went to the picnic area and watched the sun disappear. A few minutes later Michael came out. Penny was bouncing and laughing and crying, helping him to drink some water and kissing him at the same time. I smiled, but there was no excitement in me, and realizing that made me want to cry.
A few days before Lammas, I wandered to the Grove. Someone was there.
I was scared at first, but I kept going. First I saw a little green tent set up on the side away from the fire pit. Then I saw Dulcy sitting in the Magic Circle doing something. I went closer. A twig snapped under my foot.
“You scared me!” she said, almost dropping the plate she held. “How are you, Ariel?”
“Okay. I was at the herb store, and I was wondering what that herb was you put on the coals at Beltane.”
“You can’t buy it at the store. I order it through the mail. It’s called Thorn Apple or Jimson Weed.”
“What’re you doing?” I asked.
“Cleaning mushrooms. You want one?”
“Are they good to eat?”
“Yeah!” she said.
They were spindly little things. I nibbled at one. It was okay. I looked around at everything Dulcy was doing — herbs hanging to dry, several jars of herbs soaking in liquids, a big mortar and pestle for crushing, and several big books open. My head started feeling strange . . . light . . . floating . . . almost unreal. “Are these Magic Mushrooms?” I asked.
“Yeah. Psilocybe cyanescens. Do you like them?”
“I sure do!”
“They’re expensive. Will you help me pay for them?”
“Sure. I’ve got some money saved.”
We talked a little more, and I floated around, feeling as free as a bird.
Everything looked beautiful, and all the loneliness was gone.
The next day, I brought my tent and set it up. It would be nice to have a place to get away from my parents. Dulcy wasn’t there. I looked in her tent, and found all her herb stuff neatly stacked inside. I noticed a paper bag that said FOR ARIEL on it. Inside was a little plastic bag with a dried mushroom in it. I smiled to myself and ate the mushroom.
Penny was the leader of the Grove now, and Michael was her assistant. No one ever said so, but I knew it as well as they did. I wondered to myself why I kept doing things with them. At least I could help carry the baskets of fruits and flowers. Part of it, I decided, was because I had started the Grove. Also, I could get wine and smoke and mushrooms by being in the Grove. But there was something else too — some kind of hope . . .
When we got to the Grove on Lammas, Dulcy had a surprise for us — a big brass incense thurible about a foot high that stood beside the altar. It was almost like a little barbecue. When we entered the Circle, she put a piece of charcoal in it, lit it with her candle, and it sputtered to life. She sprinkled in Frankincense and my favorite herb. I took a deep breath of the smoke when it came my way.
Issa gave the lesson. At prayer time, I noticed something. I didn’t pray anymore. That made me a little sad, but I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
When the celebration ended, Penny had read the Tarot, Dulcy had made an herbal charm, and Michael had played. I hadn’t done a thing, except drink wine and breathe Thorn Apple smoke.