“Ariel, your father and I know you’re going through some bad times. We’d like to understand and help you, but you haven’t told us anything about what’s bothering you . . .”
I wish I knew. “Can I have another pork chop?”
“. . . but we’ve decided that whatever it is you’re going through, and whatever you decide to do, we can’t let you hurt other people or creatures that we care about.”
What is she talking about?
“You’re 14 years old,” Dad said, “and that is close enough to being an adult that you have to be responsible, or take the consequences. You’ve hardly ridden Tara in a year, and I’ve been feeding her for the last five months.”
Oh, shit. I was starting to tingle and sweat.
Mom took over. “Your cousins live out in the country, they have a barn and lots of pasture, and they would love to have a horse to ride. Since you have given up your care and responsibility for Tara, we have told them they can have her. Tara is getting old, and I hope you’ll agree that it would be kinder to let her be with people who will spend time with her . . .”
I could feel my hands shaking, and tears were on my face. I don’t want to cry. Stop crying, Ariel! I can’t stop. My last friend is being taken away from me . . .
“. . . tomorrow.”
I hate them! I shared so many secrets with Tara, and all they want to do is
take her away from me. I have to do something! My feet were moving, and I pawed at the tears in my eyes so I could see. Through the backyard. I have to ride Tara!
“Ariel, come back here!”
Something scraped me as I burst into the corral, but I didn’t even look at it. There was Tara. I stumbled through the mud and cried as I tried to open the gate to the dirt road. Damn it! There.
“Ariel,
don’t!”
I ran over to Tara and slid onto her back. She remembered me. She knew I was her friend. “Come on, girl. Let’s ride,” I said as I nudged her with my feet. She headed for the open gate. Someone behind us was yelling. Tara got scared and broke into a run. My leg slammed against the gate post, but I didn’t care, for we were free!
I just let Tara run down the dirt road as far as she wanted. The wind dried my tears and trees rushed by on both sides. I couldn’t do much to stop her anyway, riding bareback with not even a lead rope. Several trails and roads branched off, but Tara passed them by, always heading north. I was glad. The best hiding places were north of there.
She started to get tired, and slowed to a trot. I leaned forward and held onto her neck. She slowed to a walk, heaving and snorting. “It’s okay, Tara.
You can rest now.” I looked behind us. “No one is following us.” Then I saw blood all over my left hand, and remembered the first gate.
I decided to ignore it and looked around. My memories of all the roads and trails were coming back. I started looking for one I knew that went northeast. It had been at least . . . two years? I couldn’t remember. I spotted an old junk car and knew the trail must be nearby.
My heart was throbbing wildly. I could feel it now, and it almost felt like it was going to burst out of my mouth. I reached into my pocket and picked out a pill I knew would make me feel calm and mellow. It was hard to swallow it, my mouth was so dry, but I finally got it down.
Was that my trail? It was all grown over with little alders. They were bare now, but still thick. “Remember this trail, Tara? I know it looks a little weird, but I think it’ll get better.” I turned her head toward the barely visible path as best I could. She hesitated. “Please, Tara?” She wouldn’t do it. I started
crying. “Please . . .” I let the tears roll down my cheeks. My friend wouldn’t go where we used to go together. I felt alone again, more alone than ever before.
I guess while I was crying Tara started walking again. When I finally wiped my eyes, we were somewhere else, still on the dirt road, but farther north. I started remembering people, people I hadn’t thought about in a long time. My Teacher. And someone else in the class with me — a boy that liked me. Jason. I was eight years old then. He was nine, I think. He really liked me a lot. He was kind of goofy, but . . . he always wanted to touch me, and I’d never let him. Remembering that made my throat all tight and lumpy. I wish I was eight years old again. I’d let him touch me and even kiss me. I wouldn’t be afraid anymore.
Michael. I was afraid, Michael. I was so afraid I didn’t have a chance with you. I won’t be afraid next time.
Tara had stopped. I looked — she was drinking at a little stream that crossed the road. I remembered my dry throat and slid off. Ouch! My right leg burst into screaming pain when I hit the ground. I leaned against Tara and tried not to let myself faint. Then I remembered the gate post when Tara started running. Ouch! I slowly sat down and inched myself over to a clear pool of water on the side of the road.
My leg seemed to be relaxing. I leaned over and took a long drink. A drop of water hung on my nose and tickled — it made me laugh a little, and I hadn’t done that in a long time. I sat there in the mud for a few minutes. Why do I feel happy right now? Everything seemed so bad, and my knee was getting stiff. I’d probably have to crawl home if Tara walked away. But I had nothing to go home to, either. My whole life was right here — me, a horse, and a little stream of water. Why am I suddenly so happy?
After a little while I managed to climb back on Tara. I wrapped my arms around her neck and let her take me wherever she wanted.
“What am I going to do about school, Tara?” She didn’t have an answer for me. Neither did the counselor. All she could do was put me in classes where I could get a couple of D’s, instead of all F’s. Some counselor. I wish I could see the future. I wish I had a future. Maybe Penny would read the Tarot for me. Maybe I don’t want her to.
The sun glinted through the trees in front of me. That seemed a little strange, but I couldn’t think of why. “Where should I go, Tara? No one understands me here. I wish I could just live in a little cabin in the woods, somewhere no one knows about. And you would be my only friend. We could ride and hunt every day. I understand about the trail. You’re smarter than me sometimes. I love you, Tara.”
I felt strange saying that, because I knew my dad was right. He had been feeding her for a long time. I wasn’t very good at loving someone, even a horse. I never had been. Jason. Michael. Tara. I cried some more and buried my face in Tara’s mane.
I think a long time passed. Tara stopped. I looked up, and there was the open gate to her corral. The sun was low. I looked at Tara. She was my friend, but she couldn’t understand me either. I slid off, being careful not to land on my right leg, and led her in. Hobbling around the barn, I gave her hay and grain for the last time, and brushed her as best I could.
“I need people, don’t I, old girl.” I limped hack to the house, passed my parents in the family room who had obviously just been talking about me, and shut the door to my room very softly. I found the pill I wanted, curled up in bed, and tried to forget about boys and horses.