Chapter 7
I can’t take it anymore. I need to talk to Samuel. I need to know why he’s acting this way? So, after school that day, I couldn’t resist the temptation to talk to him. In the lobby, I saw him walking down the staircase. I quickly walked over to him and made him stop almost directly in front of everyone coming down. “What the hell?” His tone was rude. I never have seen him rude before, especially not towards me.
I hated it and was about to snap all hell on him (like he wanted it) but I looked in his eyes before I did anything else. His voice said he was annoyed and angry. But, his eyes. His eyes said that he was scared and lost, like he didn’t know what to do. Then, I realized everyone was screaming at us to get out of the way, so I pulled him over. “What is going on with you today Sam,” I had said in a sweet, caring, loving voice I rarely use now-a-days. He didn’t say anything for a moment. I kept looking into his eyes as they darted around the room as if something or someone would give him the answer.
“Sam…?” As you know; the only time I call him Sam is when I’m really upset (and that takes a lot now, since July). After a minute or so, he finally caved. He knew he couldn’t win this time. Either I would have kept bothering him until he talked to me. Or I would get pissed and stomp off and wouldn’t speak to him. I could tell he didn’t want either, by the way he sighed.
“I don’t know, Char,” he said softly. I barely heard him over the loud roar of other students. I looked deeper into his eyes, and more intently. He went on, “Everything has been screwed up. I just want things to go back to normal.” The way he said ‘screwed’ made me jump. He definitely put emphasize on it. It made me wonder why. I gave him a gigantic hug to make him feel better. But he hesitated to hug me back, so it made me feel worse. I went on anyway. I would worry about that later. I didn’t let go of him, but I wanted to keep going with our conversation.
“C’mon, babe. What’s wrong?” He pushed me away softly, but knowing that he did just broke my heart. He sighed and hesitated before speaking. Just then, a loud group of kids went by and I couldn’t hear one word Samuel said, but I saw his lips move. Yet, I couldn’t make out what he said. I’m not the best at reading lips. “What,” I asked as the lobby fell quieter. Samuel just shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s get going.” He made his way out the front door and after a minute of just standing there, rethinking what just happened, I quickly followed him.
As soon as we got inside his navy blue convertible, I asked him, “Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? You’ve never kept secrets from me before.” Without saying a word he put his keys in the ignition and started the car.
“Yeah. Well, you didn’t almost die before either,” he said while backing out of the parking lot. I could tell he was trying not to meet my eyes. It would only make him cave into me. He went on,
“Things change, Char. You of all people should know that.” His voice sounded angry and irritated, but I knew it was just a cover up for the hurt inside him. Question is: Why is he hurting? We kept going back and forth in our conversation. It almost seemed like a fight to me, but I didn’t want to believe it. “I know this. Everything changes. Its part of life.
My whole life just had many changes at once. It just took a turn for the worst. And I know you know this.” I couldn’t stop there. I was on a roll. I knew I was going to win this.
“Our relationship is what I didn’t want to change. I hoped that it wouldn’t change. I believed it. We were so close for such a long time. I didn’t think it could have changed at all.” Now I would have kept going, but he interrupted me. Big time! “You said it yourself. ‘Everything changes’. You really believed our relationship wouldn’t? You probably just didn’t want it to change for the worse. You didn’t care if it was a good change. After July, nothing has been the same. Your mother died, Susan died, you almost died yourself. Who knows what’s going to happen. Who even knows if anyone else won’t die?”
He said, practically screaming at this point. It pained me to see him this way. It hurt me to hear him say these things. I stepped in before he could go any further. Anyone could win this one.
“You’re right. No one knows for sure. But, if there’s one thing I learned over the past several months: Its that no one knows what going to happen. Life is a mystery. You have to find out what it means to you. You choose what kind of person you are, but you never know what might happen. There will always be some things in life you don’t expect, or don’t like. You just have to wish for the best.”
Those words were meant for me the most. What I said was also supposed to reassure me. I’ve been thinking way too much. Now that I’ve said it, I know its true. Samuel didn’t say anything after that. I knew the words I had said were sinking in. He was thinking deeply about all this. So, I let him be. For once, I wasn’t bothered by the silence between us. That was our ride home.