Chapter 5
The ride to school was oddly quiet. No matter what goes on between us we can still talk to each other. Usually because he can always distract me so we talk about something else entirely. But the whole ride was silence. I was wondering if he was okay, but I didn’t say anything. I was lost deeply in my thoughts. After a few minutes in my own world, I realized that we were parked on the side of the road about…a fourth a mile from school.
I looked up at Samuel with a question on my face. But, he wouldn’t know because he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes still faced forward on the traffic in front of us. I touched his shoulder slightly, but he quickly shrugged it away. What the hell is wrong with him? “Sam? Babe, is everything alright?” My voice was soft and hesitant, exactly how I wanted it to be. His voice on the other hand was exactly how I didn’t want it to be; quiet. Half of me wanted to be angry and jump out of the car to walk the rest of the way. The other half wanted to be a nice girlfriend and bother him until he would talk. The nice side of me won that.
“C’mon Sam. Honey, let’s talk.” He turned his head to me slowly, but he didn’t smile. I could see in his eyes trouble and confusion. Was he sharing everything with me? Was he telling me all he felt and thought? Or is he holding back on me? Keeping things from me? Again, I was back in my thoughts too deep. I came back when Samuel finally spoke,
“Would you care if I died? How would you react? Do you want me here?” That answered my questions. So he was holding back on me? But, why? What for? He should know that he can always trust me. He doesn’t have to keep things from me. And what was with the questions? Of course I want him here. I love him more than anything.
Why was he asking me this? “Of course I want you here. I love you with all my heart. If you died, I would most likely kill myself than be without you.” He gave me a half smile, but it didn’t fool me. It was fake. I knew he didn’t fully believe what I said. But, I didn’t know why. Why wouldn’t he believe me? Does he truly think I don’t love him? Does he believe that I wouldn’t give a shit if he dies?
We arrived at school much less to me being pissed off and in my own thoughts, my own world. And, as soon as first period started, I went to auto mode. Not like I usually am everyday. No, auto mode is when I do everything without knowing because I’m in my own mind. The only time I would come out of my thoughts and pay attention was when Erika tapped me to help me out, or when I was with Samuel. We have four classes together and lunch, so I get to see him half of the day.
In class, we put the conversation we had earlier away. It was like everything was back to normal, but we both had thoughts of our own that we could not shake and just couldn’t share. I could tell that he had a lot on his mind by the way his eyes moved around a lot. I still liked him there beside me. I love him being beside me all the time. The way he pulls me in when we are already sitting so close together. I could never get enough of Samuel. I thought I lost him in July. And because of that I don’t like to be away from him.
Especially like this; not talking to each other about what’s going on. It scares me to think that I could lose him in so many different ways. If he dies, I die. And I know it goes the same for him. But, lately it doesn’t seem like he would do the same. Just this morning he didn’t think I loved him enough. Is he having second thoughts about us? Why is he acting this way? Why won’t he tell me anything?
Sam is really making me confused and upset. Because of this, I’m getting angry that he is doing this to me. He’s never done this before, not even when we were friends. We have been best friends since we were six and he has never even been close to doing any of this.
I’ve always felt like I’ve known him my whole life, but its only been ten years. You’re probably wondering why we haven’t been friends forever, right? The reason: I moved here from Colorado when I was six. Do you want to know the story?