With Yamisha, or Misha as we call her, in our lives, I felt like a
missing piece of the puzzle of my life had fallen into place. For the
first time since my abusive relationship, I found my passion for
sewing again, and I followed my intuition and took a chance to create
custom clothing for small children. I had found my happy place again
and uncovered a new skill of designing patterns and outfits without
any prior experience. I called the line Yammiwear and established
Yammi Boutique in honor of our daughter. Things were going pretty
well for us, but when my daughter turned two years old, I noticed
signs of her retreating inward, which could have been a result of the
instability and transition that comes with being a foster child. Our
daughter was a beautiful and photogenic toddler and though there
were offers, we were careful not to throw her into the world of
modeling if it wasn’t something she was comfortable with.
In time, though, we decided to let her build her confidence through
beauty pageants, and it turned out that we had found the thing that
made her come alive. Yamisha’s confidence continually improved
and she blossomed each time she hit the stage. It was in these
competitions that she first spoke in public and began to perform with
ease. This was 2005, and during this time, my older children entered
me into a local pageant – the adult version of the Our Little Miss
(OLM) Beauty pageant in which I had entered my daughter Yamisha
- without my knowledge, while they were at the mall. My eldest son,
Roumell, talked the other two into it because he recalled me having a
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dream of competing in the Miss Virgin Islands pageant. Roumell felt
that had it not been for my getting pregnant with him as a teenager
that I could have fulfil ed that dream, and he wanted me to know
what it felt like to compete. He must have overheard me talking one
day and took it as a personal quest to help me achieve this. What he
didn’t know was that I had also competed in and won the Miss
Caribbean Tourism (1996) during my younger days. What my son
also didn’t realize was that he was a blessing to me, so there were no
regrets where he was concerned. It was just touching that as young as
he was, he wanted to make my dreams come true. I get teary-eyed just
thinking about it, especially now that I don’t see that side of him anymore.
Nevertheless, I went along with it and won the darn thing! What a
surprise to all of us, especially since it meant that I would have to
compete at the state level for this competition, the Mrs. Florida State
OLM Beauty Pageant. The night of the pageant, I gave it all I had,
and when they announced yours truly as the winner of the state
pageant it was total pandemonium. You should have seen us, my
husband, the four children, all jumping up and down with
excitement, and me, like a deer in headlights thinking what on Earth
have I gotten myself into? I was absolutely terrified. Why? Because I was old
– over thirty and a mother. .HELLO?! But, here I was, doing something
that I thought I would never achieve, thanks to my kids and the
support of my husband. So as I am here racking up these crowns and
titles, I was starting to see myself in a positive light, and realizing just
what the pageants must have been doing for Yamisha on a positive
level as well. In fact, we became the first mother-daughter duo to
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Author: Yassin S. Hall | Co-Author: Loán C. Sewer
compete and hold titles at the same time. After capturing the state
title, I realized that I would have to step my game up to compete in
and win the Mrs. World OLM Beauty Pageant in Texas later that
year. So, I hired a pageant coach to increase my chances for success.
Since this competition was out of state, my family couldn’t travel
with me, but I had a good support group of moms from my
daughter’s pageants so I was in great hands.
Honestly, I still could not believe that I was doing this. After all, I
was a small island girl with a tarnished image. How could I compete
with all these beautiful women who seemed to have it all together?
When the time came for the interview questions, I made up my mind
then that I was going to be my authentic self and not paint a pretty
picture of who I was. The judges asked me to explain what type of
role model I was for my daughter as a mother competing in the
pageant. I needed to be real and peel back the layers to unveil my true
self so that I could be a positive example for all of my children. I
don’t know what came over me in that moment, but I actually
admitted that my mother was mentally ill, and proceeded to explain
to them (in a closed room) just how much my past had impacted me
to strive for a much better parenting experience of my own. I was so
engrossed in my response that I didn’t even notice that the judges
were all in tears with their pens down on the table, completely
mesmerized. All I knew in that moment was that I felt free. In fact, I
no longer cared if I won or lost. To quote Oprah, that was an ‘AHA!’
moment for me, a pivotal turning point in me choosing to unburden
myself from my mother’s twisted love and to choose a life of
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happiness and authenticity.
When the time came for the finalists to be announced, I placed in the
top five. I was so full of joy for that outcome that I didn’t even hear
them call me as the winner. Quite frankly, I was still in shock that I
had opened up so candidly in the interview room, and I wasn’t
condemned for my truth. I could not believe that I had won by
opening up and being completely honest. I would later go on to
compete and win the title of America’s Fabulous Faces Queen later
that year. This was yet another turning point on my journey; one that
would provide me with the strength I needed for the things to come.
As I went through my year as Mrs. World OLM Beauty, things were
shattering at home. I became very proficient at hiding my pain
behind my smile but it was hurting my marriage. All the lies I had
told to cover up who I really was and other incidents that had taken
place had just become too much to bear. I made the decision to leave
and really focus on what was best for me. My husband was hurt and
probably viewed me as a selfish woman for choosing myself and my
sanity over a life with him, but it was for the best. I needed to learn
how to love myself and make peace with the woman in the mirror.
Yes, I am channeling Michael Jackson right about now… [singing] “I’m starting
with the [woman] in the mirror, woo hoo. I’m asking [her] to make a change…”
Let me just say this – there is nothing like a divorce for you to really
see the other side of the person you are married to. In the end, it was
a very angry and spiteful divorce that left us both feeling battered and
bruised, because he wouldn’t let me go and I was determined not to
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stay. This was especially difficult on the children. They were
confused, hurt, and divided. My family was split apart, and I had once
again lost my passion for sewing, just as I was putting the pieces of
my life together. I had to struggle not to feel like a victim for once,
but everything was in disarray. It would be five long and painful years
before my marriage could be officially dissolved, and in 2009, the
divorce was finally completed.
A few months later, my phone rang, and in the blink of an eye, things
would never be the same. My oldest son, Roumell had been shot and
was fighting for his life. All I could think was where did I go wrong
and what would happen to him now? What would I do if he didn’t
make it, and how would I share this news with the other kids? It was
such a blur, and after all my previous years of cursing God for not
protecting me, I started to see that there really were angels here on
Earth. In one instance after the other there were little miracles that
took place in order for my son to be alive today, and for that I am
eternally grateful. My faith in God was renewed by the events that
occurred to save Roumell’s life and once he was out of the danger,
my passion for sewing was restored; however, this time I began to
focus on women’s clothing. In the midst of my crisis, I owned up to
my wrongs and the way I treated, or mistreated, my ex-husband. It
was the beginning of a journey of forgiveness, one that has allowed
us to be better parents to the children. But there was more bad news
on its way. I just didn’t know that God had been preparing me for
this blow all along.
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Author: Yassin S. Hall | Co-Author: Loán C. Sewer