On June 6, 2009, I received a phone call that would soon alter my
world, yet again. My grandmother called to tell me that my mother
had been hospitalized but she did not indicate that anything was time
sensitive or critical. When she got around to telling me what was
happening, I learned that my mother had been diagnosed with Stage
4 breast cancer. As Mama recounted the details, all I could think was
I was about to lose my mother again, and this time for good. You
see, by this time Mommy had been coming and going between my
grandmother’s house and the streets. She would leave for most of the
day then return home in the evenings, but she was basically home.
My mother was receiving food stamps and my grandmother would
shop for her so that she had adequate food to eat. One day, my
grandmother noticed that she had not been out for quite some time
and went to check on her. Each time she did so, my mother would
say she was resting and did not feel like going out, but she would
usual y come upstairs to the main part of the house to eat. This went
on for about one month until my grandmother noticed a strange
odor whenever my mom was nearby. Mama thought it was because
she wasn’t bathing on a regular basis and told her so, but my mom
just stared blankly at her.
During one of the shopping trips, my mother went along and my
grandmother noticed that Mommy didn’t have the strength to walk
alongside her. Keep in mind that this was a woman who walked miles
every day just because, so not being able to keep up with an eighty-
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something-year-old woman was cause for speculation. As a matter of
fact, she was sitting every chance that she got, so Mama told my
mom that she was taking her to the emergency room. My mother
refused; more than once. Since the odor and the fatigue persisted, my
grandmother continued to insist that Mommy see a doctor, and each
time she would refuse. Not sure what else to do, my grandmother
called my mom’s mental health counselor to have her committed out
of concern for her overall health. She didn’t like the way my mother
looked or the lack of energy she had and she had begun to fear that
my mother was very sick.
Ultimately, my mother told my grandmother that she would not seek
medical attention unless forced to do so by the courts, so Mama had
to get a court order to have my mother admitted to the hospital for a
check-up. Well, when that day finally came, the police showed up at
the front door to escort them to the hospital. They, too, smelled this
foul odor and questioned where it was coming from, but no one
could figure it out. When they got my mother to the hospital, she
went through the admission process and was assigned a nurse. As she
was undressing to have a bath, the nurse let out a blood curdling
scream. As everyone came running, it became apparent why the odor
was so strong – both of my mother’s breasts were rotting away and
she was completely oblivious to it. As nauseating as this thought is, it
appears that my mother didn’t even know she should be in pain. Her
primary comment to the hospital staff was to ask why they were
keeping her there and then say she was going home. Because she
refused treatment, the attending staff had to give her a sedative so
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Author: Yassin S. Hall | Co-Author: Loán C. Sewer
that they could ascertain the severity of her condition, something that
even she didn’t understand. After my mother was evaluated, she was
admitted to the hospital for treatment. It was during her two week
stay there, that my mother’s mind came back long enough for her to
realize that she was really sick.
The severity of her condition became even clearer, after the doctor
explained that her cancer was in an advanced stage, and it would be
necessary for her to start having chemotherapy at the Cancer
Treatment Center. However, despite the doctor’s explanation, my
mother decided that she did not want the treatment, and declared
that no one was putting that kind of poison in her body. Once again,
my grandmother had to go to court, after speaking with the
psychiatrist, to get my mother the treatment she needed. The courts
gave my grandmother the legal authority to get the treatment going,
but it still took some convincing to get Mommy to say yes. Bear in
mind, it had been two to three weeks with no treatment for breast
cancer. It wasn’t until the courts gave my grandmother legal custody
of my mother, that she finally agreed to treatment. I flew down to St.
Thomas to see her towards the end of her battle with the cancer and
in a rare moment of lucidity my mother looked me in the eye and
called me by my actual name. After thirty-plus years of longing to
hear her speak to me with the love of someone who gave birth to me,
it was on her death bed that she finally set me free. Then, just like
that she was back in her mental shell, but I felt a sense of peace wash
over me that would carry me through the days ahead.
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At her funeral I was able to say goodbye by writing my thoughts in a
farewell letter to my mother:
A LETTER TO MY MOM by Yassin Sirri Hal
(reprinted in its entirety)
For the 12 years that I have truly known you as my mom, you were the most
beautiful, smart, loving, spiritual, funniest and the sil iest mom I know. I
remember so much, our spiritual Bob Marley nights and our times just sitting on
the waterfront singing. I even remember the very first movie you took me to. The
Harder They Come – Jimmy Clif Movie. These are the times I will treasure for
the rest of my life.
You made me who I am today and I am proud to say that I am your daughter. I
have NEVER been ashamed of this.
I was told that when I was born you were so happy, you wanted to find the most
perfect name for me. I remember in my room you had the words peaceful and
loving al over it, the meaning of my name as I was told by you.
I remembered as a child I real y hated my name LOL. When asked my name I
always got, oh that's different or what did you say.. I remember thinking Gosh
can I just be normal LOL.
Now as an adult I LOVE my name, it symbolizes my uniqueness, my being, my
individuality, my belonging, my destiny, my inner and outer self, it IS who I am. I
am proud to say my mom gave me that name and I thank you.
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Author: Yassin S. Hall | Co-Author: Loán C. Sewer
As I young child, I wondered why you weren't like the other moms, but gently
tossed the question out my mind because I too was not like the other kids. I never
cried, I always laughed regardless of the situation. It was easier for me to laugh
than to cry. I just knew you as my mom.
I remember the times you sat with me on the waterfront and we laughed and
laughed at nonsense [LOL] but my biggest memory is when you would sing Three
Little Bird’s by Bob Marley and I would sing along. As I sit here and write this
I am listening to the words imagining you singing it to me as the tears pour down
my face.
After losing you mental y, I could never listen to the song ever until 2008 on your
birthday. I played it over and over again and cried and cried. I feel it was when I
became a true woman and that was my moment.
I remember every time you sang this part "cause every little thing gonna be al
right!" you would touch my nose and smile at me. It was OUR MOMENT A
MOMENT I WILL TREASURE FOREVER.
Though not all moments I would like to remember BIG SIGH AND
LAUGHTER! ! Through all my life's most embarrassing moments I stil
didn't quiver or cry. Because of you no matter what has been said or done it could
never be worse than those embarrassing moments I have had with you.
Thank you for those moments as well (big sarcasm) ROTFL
Throughout life people would say to me "what ever happened to your mom? wel
please just don't let IT happen to you! Or hope you don't end up like your
mother.
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For years this is the only thing that ever bothered me.
I can't tel you how many times I wanted to just slap them! !
What people don’t realize is that your mind was free and you were happy, while
we live the everyday life of worrying about bil s and the struggles of life you had no
worries. Whenever I saw you, you were smiling and cracking yourself up. I used
to want you to share the joke with me so I can laugh too! You loved the ocean
and marveled about its beauty.
Many of you have looked at her as if Mental Il ness is a disease. Mental illness
is NOT a disease, it's not something that is contagious, and it's not hereditary
though my kids wil think it is LOL AND IT'S CERTAINLY NOT A
JOKE ALTHOUGH, I JOKE ABOUT IT CAUSE THAT'S HOW I
COPE. To me, through everything you have taught me is that life is funny and
laughter is therapy.
This is a very thin line between sane and insane. ANYONE CAN CROSS
THAT LINE! ! Trust me, now I know it was God's way that I had to see you
go through your stages for me to endure my chal enges of life.
It was seeing you that kept my head focus, focused for my kids.
I always asked why did you not think about me? Why didn't you stay sane and
fight it for me? I asked that question alot in life.
The answer is now very simple to me, because for al I have been through and wil
continue to go through I NEED TO STAY HAPPY AND STAY SANE
FOR MY KIDS! You ARE my guiding light. ..
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Author: Yassin S. Hall | Co-Author: Loán C. Sewer
To al who wonder what happen, she can't speak for herself and I can't speak for
her, and I too asked the very same question, one thing I can say is TRUE
LOVE IS A POWERFUL WEAPON. When used or misused it can
strike a dangerous blow. After been dealt with that weapon myself I understand
the why, the how, and I now know and understand WHAT happened. . .
I am grateful that I got the time to say I love you and in your own way you told
me you loved me. I shared the tears with you that flowed when I saw you.
Your tears are my tears now. I can look back now and say you were a good
mother, you made me the only mom I know how to be today.
I BRIEFLY had that traditional motherly love from you AND I have always
had that daughterly love for you.
MOM I LOVE YOU AND AS BOB WOULD SAY:
“Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you")
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right." **
Footnotes: LOL is text speak for Laughing Out Loud. ROTL is text speak for
Rolling on the Floor Laughing. **Lyrics by Robert Nester Marley “Three Little
Birds” on Album Exodus album released by Bob Marley and the Wailers,
1980.
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Author: Yassin S. Hall | Co-Author: Loán C. Sewer