CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
“I’ll call the school. You get better now. I’ll see you this afternoon.” Carole’s voice came through the crack in Reggie’s door. He raised his head off his pillow for a second before rolling over and going back into a long, deep sleep.
“CLINK ... CLINK... POP!” Reggie woke up to a series of hollow, tinny sounds. He tried to go back to sleep, but then was startled awake by a louder POP sound. He sat up and looked at his clock: it was after ten.
What was that stupid noise? He wondered as he slowly put on his sweatpants. Half-asleep, he schlepped to the bathroom. But then he saw something out of the corner of his lidded eyes and stopped cold in his tracks. His dad was slumped down at the kitchen table, his head buried in his arms. Empty beer cans spread over the floor.
It took a moment before Reggie saw what was across the table from his father, and when he did, his heart jumped into his throat.
There, on the opposite chair, was a rifle with the butt tied with bungee cords, its barrel lying on the table aimed right at his dad. Towels were wrapped around the rifle from butt to muzzle.
“Dad!” Reggie gasped, running over to his father. No response. He smelled for gun powder in the air and looked for blood on his dad’s clothes. Nothing. Reggie gently pulled his dad’s head back. He moaned but did not open his eyes. He was still breathing. Reggie was relieved. He was just passed out.
My dad was going to fucking kill himself. Reggie wanted to shout and shake his dad and then slap him across the face for attempting such a thing. Reggie was paralyzed by the scene and instead just sat down and tried to think. Should I call Mom?
Should I call 911?
Think.
No, I have to get these guns out of here. What if he still wants to kill himself when he wakes up?
Stepping behind the chair, Reggie carefully removed the towels from the rifle. That’s when he saw his dad’s hand, his finger resting on the trigger. I have to get that off the trigger without waking him up. Carefully, he pulled the finger away. Then he removed the bungee cords from the rifle and walked into his parents’ bedroom where he spotted the open gun case in the closet. He placed the rifle, together with the other guns and the ammo into the case and lugged the heavy thing to the doorway.
He stopped and looked at his dad and the beer cans. My world is fucked up. I have to end this. Somehow.
Then it hit Reggie. He had to act. He had to get to school.
Dad’s totally passed out, he thought, I’ll let him sleep it off. I’ll call Mom when I get to school.
Reggie slinked past his dad and quietly opened the apartment door and set the gun case down outside the hallway. He ran back into his room, put on his blue hoodie and grabbed his phone. John was still in the same position, so he plucked the car keys off the table and headed out the door. When he got to the Impreza, he unlocked the trunk and lifted the gun case into it. He took the same route the bus took to school, driving with deliberate speed, but careful not run any lights and get pulled over.
At stoplights, people’s faces flashed through his mind. He thought about his dad slouched on the kitchen table, alive only because he got too drunk to actually pull the trigger. Stephanie’s face came to him next. He saw her turn and walk down the hall. If it weren’t for that asshole, Kevin, he thought, she’d still want to talk to me. She’d still trust me. Jesus. I can’t turn off my freakedout brain anymore. I need to make it right. I need to end this.
The light changed and his mind and eyes returned to the road, picturing every turn he needed to get to school.
HONNNNK!
SCREEEECH!
Reggie slammed on his brakes just in time. A line of cars were in a standstill right in front of him, clogging the road as far as he could see. A sure sign of an accident. Hurried drivers turned their cars around. Reggie looked over and saw the long, deep concrete channel that he had passed many times in the bus. He used to laugh when someone told him it was the Los Angeles River. Other cars pulled to the shoulder and onto a side road that ran next to the channel.
A few blocks behind him he could see emergency lights flashing in his rearview mirror. He pulled to the curb and put the car in park.
Gazing down at the thin stream of water at the bottom of the concrete channel, he recalled his dad telling him how these channels spider-webbed the whole city. When the rains came, all the debris from the wasteland ran free to the ocean. He stared down at the two narrow rows of scrub and weed on either side of the water. He wondered how the scrub could suck green life from that small brown trickle. It made him think how little his dad must have now valued his life.
WHOOOSHH! A car whizzed by, bringing Reggie’s thoughts back to his mission. He envisioned the lunch yard filling soon with kids. He could picture Stephanie sitting in her usual spot. He had to get to school. Looking around there were no cars or people.
He got out of the car, opened the trunk, and pulled out the gun case. With a flick of his fingers, he unlatched the case and grabbed the 30.06 Winchester rifle when another car shot by. Reggie stood frozen.
I need to end this. These fucked-up guns. It’s crazy that Dad said he needs to have these guns to protect his family. Guns do not solve problems; they make things worse. It’s sick. More guns means more killing. It’s fucked up. He’ll kill me when he finds out, but I have to do this.
He made sure no one watched and threw the Winchester down into the channel. It gave a satisfying crash. He immediately began to toss the other guns.
“Stupid twenty-two!” He shouted as the small rifle skipped down the channel from end to end. “Stupid Ruger pistol!” It landed all the way to the other side before it slid under the brush and into the water to rust. Now the bullets. “Stupid fucking guns and bullets!”
Let them rust. Let this fucking violence finally end.
When he finished, Reggie gazed down at the bottom of the channel. The guns were totally covered by the brush. Minutes passed before he got back in the car. He pulled back into the line of cars just as it started to move again. Checking his phone for the first time, he saw there were four attempted calls from his mom. He didn’t call her back; he was only a few blocks from school, from Stephanie.
He parked the car down the street from the school, ran and checked into the office. The secretary was surprised to see him and told Reggie his mom was looking for him and that she would call her back and let her know you’re here. He ran into the lunch yard. He saw Stephanie sitting with her girlfriends. He approached her, fearing that the surprised, leery look on her face meant disaster.
“Hey, Steph,” he said.
“Hey, Reggie! I thought you were sick? How did you get to school?”
“Drove.”
“For real? You don’t even have a license.”
“Whatever. I need to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“I wanted to explain...”
“Look, Reggie,” she interrupted, “Can we wait to talk until I speak with Jennifer?”
“Jennifer?” Reggie asked. “Why Jennifer?”
“Yeah,” she said as she looked across the table. “One of her girlfriends from last year told Jennifer about the latest incident with Kevin and Jennifer told her that I should know that you’re not at fault. So I called her and left a message. I think I need to talk to her and see what she has to say.”
Reggie just stood there, not knowing what to say or do next. This was definitely not a part of his plan.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better, Reggie. Talk to you later.” Stephanie said, and then went back to talking with her friends.
Reggie wandered away and found an empty table. He absentmindedly ate his crackers while wondering what Jennifer would tell Stephanie.
Reggie’s phone rang. It was his mom.
“Reggie! Are you alright?” his mom yelled into the phone.
“I’m good, Ma. Sorry I didn’t call you.”
“How did you get to school?”
“I drove.” he said quietly so no one would hear him.
“With dad?”
Reggie hesitated. “Nope, I took the Impreza.”
“Without your dad? And where is your father? I can’t reach him. Reggie, why did you think it would be okay to take the car to school by yourself?”
“To see this girl, Stephanie.”
“Jesus, Reggie. To talk to a girl?”
“Yeah.”
“Where was Dad when you left home?”
“Passed out at the kitchen table. There were beer cans all over.”
“Oh my God, Reggie, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Reggie, we have to get to him, the doctors said drinking with the drugs could kill him. Hold the phone, Reggie.” In a couple of minutes, his mom came back and said, “I can get a ride home from Joan, we’ll come and pick you up?”
“No, mom, I’m going to drive back myself. I can handle it.”
“Reggie, you could get picked up for driving without a license.” “Bye, Mom. I’ll see you at home.” “Reggie...” CLICK.
Reggie told the lady in the office his mom was coming to pick him up and went to the front door where he pretended to wait. In a few minutes he took off down the street to where he parked the Impreza. He’d try to connect with Stephanie again tomorrow. On his drive home, Reggie kept thinking about her and how much he needed to win her back. Why wouldn’t she let me explain? She was so stand-offish. Does she really think I’m an aggressive guy? Always getting into trouble? That I was in love with a gay girl? I was, he remembered.
What would Jennifer tell her? That I was always hallucinating? Maybe, just maybe, he thought, Jennifer would tell her about Isaac. She is the only person who knew it was the fight and Isaac’s fear of coming out that caused my suspension.
But as soon as Reggie started driving home, the reality of what he would face filled his mind. What would his dad do to him when he found out he took the car and trashed his guns? I need to tell Mom that he was going to kill himself! Better hurry, she’ll get home before I do. Will he still be messed up when she gets there? Drive faster. Will she finally stand up to him? Watch the stoplights. Fuck. He may hurt her.
****
“Thanks for the ride, Joan,” Carole yelled back as she ran to the apartment, fumbling into her purse and dropping the keys on the sidewalk. Opening the door, she yelled, “John!” No answer.
“John, are you here?” She stumbled over the beer cans toward the empty bedroom. She turned around and saw the bathroom door ajar. “John?”
There he was, on his knees wiping up the floor around the toilet.
“John, are you okay?”
He looked up at her, reeking of vomit, and snarled, “Well, I’m alive.”
“What the hell were you doing drinking again? You know what the doctor said.”
Still wiping the floor, he said, “Fuck the doctors! And fuck the therapists!”
Offering him a hand up, she said, “Leave that mess. What are you saying? What’s wrong?”
Standing up and clearing his throat, he said, “Reggie took my guns and the car.”
“The guns?” she asked. “He took your guns, why?”
He threw the towel into the wastebasket, took off his shirt, and went to the sink to wash his face.
“John?”
Looking into the mirror, he said, “He should have let me do it.
I…I…didn’t have enough guts to pull the trigger.” “What?” she shouted.
“I want it to end, Carole.”
“Stop it, John! It’s your PTSD! We have to get you to the hospital, now!”
He raised his hands in the air, “I don’t know what’s happening to me.”
“John, you’ve got to let go of your past, or you’ll always be cursed.”
“Cursed?” John’s eyes widened with the shock of her words. They looked at each other in silence for a moment before hearing Reggie shout on his way up the stairs.
“Mom! Dad!”
Carole put her hands on John’s shoulders, shook him, and said, “John, you have to quit feeling sorry for yourself…re-living your life…Your failures, through Reggie. Because, Jesus, John, he just saved your life. Reggie loves you.”
“Does he?”
“Yes!” she said as they heard Reggie unlocking the front door.
Reggie, fearing the worst, yelled, “Mom! Dad!” and ran into the bathroom and pushed his way between them. He looked at his mom and said, “Are you alright?”
“Yes, Reggie. I’m alright. We have to get Dad to the hospital.”
Reggie looked at his Dad who had dropped down hard on the bathroom floor and buried his head in his hands.
Reggie put his hands on his dad’s shoulders. He could see he was crying and looked so small and defeated. As he lifted him from the floor he said, “Come on, Dad.”
“I’m sorry,” his dad whispered as he looked up at Reggie. Reggie took his hand. “That’s okay, Dad. Let’s go.”
****
After John was re-admitted under supervised care, Reggie and his mom talked on the drive back.
“Mom?” he said. “I heard you stand up to him when I was coming up the stairs. That’s good.”
She took one hand off the wheel and held it to her chest and said, “I’m going to stand by him, too, Reggie. I know he’s been hard on both of us, but at his core, he’s a loving man.” “I wonder about that,” Reggie said.
“He loves you, Reggie, just sometimes in the wrong ways. He’s fighting for you.”
“Seriously?”
“I know it’s hard to understand, but in his wrong-headed way, he doesn’t want you to end up in a dead-end job or become a jarhead marine like him. You know, Reggie, he gave up on his dream to follow his dad’s dream. He settled, and he’s regretted it all his life.”
“Then why the fuck doesn’t he get that I need my dream?”
“Reggie, I know it doesn’t make sense, but he thinks that a love of nature is from the old Indian ways and wants you to break away and become rich like the white man.”
“Jesus, Mom. That’s so lame.”
“I know, Reggie, but I hope you can come to forgive him someday.”
Reggie took a deep breath and mumbled, “Yeah. Maybe.”
As soon as they got into the house, Reggie’s phone rang. It was Joe.
“How you doing?” Joe asked as Reggie headed into his room.
“Okay, I guess,” Reggie answered.
“I was more than worried about you. At the office, I saw some of your website postings and I called your mom who said you were at school.”
“Oh, right. I was having weird, I dunno, hallucinations.” Reggie hesitated, “Joe? I’m worried about the wildlife corridor meeting?”
“How come? It’s two weeks away.”
“It’s... it’s...hard to explain, but I’m getting freaked out about mountain lions. It’s like this connection I once felt I had with them has turned into… like... getting too weird. You know, I hoped my vision quests would find my power animal. Now the lion is becoming more like a bad spirit, some kind of demon.”
“I’m not following exactly what you’re saying. Can you tell me more?”
Reggie sighed and flopped down on his bed. “It sounds stupid, but it’s like the lion is talking to me... Talking through me, from another world. It’s a mixed up half-man, half animal thing.”
Joe remained silent, so Reggie went on: “Remember, P1 killing the cubs? During my quest, I had a vision that I was trying to save the mom and cubs... I saw the cubs being killed before they were actually killed.”
“Reggie, that’s just a coincidence,” Joe said.
“I thought so, too, but then…” Reggie paused. “I dreamt about P12 killing P1 the day before it actually happened! And in the dream, I was actually a part of it. I killed P1.”
Joe was silent for a long while. Finally, he said, “God, Reggie, I honestly don’t know what to say. Maybe you have to quit trying to connect with the mountain lion in the spiritual world. I mean, I don’t doubt what you’ve gone through, but I worry about what’s happening to you.”
“I know; that’s what scares me,” Reggie said.
“Understand Reggie, but you’re only seeing these things, you’re not making them happen... You’re not the demon... Maybe you have to quit trying to reach beyond reality. Get your feet back on the ground and help me protect the lions we have here today. In the real world.”
After a long pause, Reggie said, “Maybe you’re right. Sorry for bothering you about all this stuff. I’ll let you know about the conference. Thanks, Joe.”
Reggie and his mom shared three chicken pot pies for supper—Reggie only eating the insides—and just as they were cleaning the dishes, the phone rang again.
Reggie read the caller ID and said, “Hi Captain Arnold.”
“Hi, Reggie. I wanted to talk to you about the business with Kevin.”
“Yeah Mr. Tremper told me you were going to call. But I’ve already made up my mind, I don’t want to press charges.”
“Have you talked to your parents about this?”
Reggie hesitated then said, “Yes, and we’re sure. Thanks for calling.”
As soon as Reggie hung up the phone, his Mom asked, “What did you tell him?”
“I told him I don’t want to press charges.”
“Why did you tell him that? You were trying to protect your best friend and he used a weapon on you, we can’t let that kind of behavior go unpunished.”
“Yeah. You’re right in a way, but I found out from one of his old buddies at school that the county took him away from his parents, because of his dad’s abuse. He’s in a youth shelter now. Maybe he will learn that violence doesn’t solve things. I just want this to end and not add to the kid’s misery.”
“What about your Dad? Don’t you think he would want to pursue charges?”
“Ma!” Reggie interrupted. “Maybe, but I don’t want payback— it never ends.”
“You’re being too kind,” she said. “And that reminds me, before you got home, your Dad told me how ashamed he felt for how he treated you. He told me that you had more courage than he ever did.”
“That’s nice to hear, Mom, but it would have been better if he actually told me that himself.”
“I know, Reg, but I think there’s hope now.” After a pause, she asked, “Reggie? Did you get to settle things with that girl?
Stephanie, I think you said.”
“Not really, Mom, but I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You must care a lot about this girl.”
Reggie was taken aback by his mother’s blunt, but true, characterization of his actions and feelings. He worried that Stephanie thought he’s stupid about girls and has a mean streak.
He looked out the window, not wanting to talk about Stephanie with his mom.
“Well, Reggie,” she tried to confide, “what you do shows who you are as a person. I’m guessing the more she knows you, the more she will like you.”
Reggie continued to not respond, knowing that this was just what mothers say to their kids.
“You know, Reggie, I’m also a woman, and I wasn’t much older than you when I fell in love with your dad. And despite his problems and flaws, he is, at his core, a good man; that’s what matters and that’s why I choose to stick with him.”
Reggie listened to his Mom’s words, but there was no way he was going to come out with his own.
Then she said, “I’m betting she’ll give you another chance. If you’re open with her, and speak from the heart…” Reggie knew the finger snap was coming.
“She’ll come back to you, just like that!” SNAP.
“Okay, Mom. Whatever.”
She got up, reached over to rub his head. Reggie ducked, she smiled and walked out of the room.
Reggie picked up his cell thinking he might try and call Stephanie. Staring at her profile for a full minute, he dropped the phone on the bed. What am I going to say to her? He asked himself.
She said she’d talk to me after she talked to Jennifer. What did I say to her that made her shut me out? Screw it; I’m going to call her, he decided. Maybe the news about Kevin being expelled would soften her up and they could talk.
“Hi, Reggie,” she answered in a fairly bright tone. “How are you feeling?”
“Better. Thanks for asking.” “Well, that’s good,” she said.
“Hey. Can we talk?”
“I suppose.”
Thinking that maybe she thought he really was at fault for starting the fight, he said, “I wanted to tell you that Kevin has been permanently expelled from the school and Mr. Tremper apologized to me.”
“Okay.”
“Did you talk to Jennifer?”
“I did.”
Reggie waited then asked, “What did she tell you?”
“A lot.”
“About the two of us?”
“Yeah.”
“Did Jennifer explain everything?”
“Quite a bit.”
“So, what did she tell you?”
“She told me what she thought of you.” “And?” Reggie said with a little irritation.
“You know, Reggie? I’m more interested in what you have to say.”
“Say about what?”
“What you said to me about her and Kevin in the lunch yard.”
“What do you mean?”
“That’s what I mean; if you don’t get it, you don’t get it.”
“I’m... I’m confused, Stephanie. I was hoping she’d tell you all you needed to know, did she say bad things about me?”
“Not at all.”
“Then, we’re okay?”
“Reggie, I care about you, but I want to hear what you have to say directly about the whole thing, not only Jennifer. Think about it, and we can have a real talk at lunch tomorrow, I’ll see you then. I have to go. Bye.”
What the hell was that? Reggie wondered. Talk about the supernatural. I don’t think I’ll ever understand girls.
****
That night, Reggie didn’t sleep well; this time he wasn’t dreaming about fighting lions, but about Stephanie. He kept waking up, picturing her and trying to piece together their last conversation.
Why was she focused on what he told her about Jennifer and Kevin? All he told her was that it was all crap and that she shouldn’t be bothered. What was wrong with that? If only I could picture her face, he kept thinking as he tried to get back to sleep.
After first period, Reggie headed over to the east wing, knowing he might catch Stephanie in the hall on the way to her history class.
There she was. He caught her attention and ran over to her. She stepped away from her girlfriends. “Hi, Reggie.”
“Hey, I wanted to make sure you knew I was in school today and that I’ll see you at lunch.”
“Good,” she said as she ran back to catch up with her girlfriends. “I’ll save a corner table.”
By third period, Reggie was nervous, going over and over what he would say to her, hoping he could straighten things out. In the lunch yard, there she was, as promised, smiling. He sat next to her and took a deep breath.
“I’ve been thinking what you said about what I said after that incident with Kevin.” As he looked at her, he could see that same dejected look on her face that she had when he told her it was all crap and she needn’t worry. He could see the hurt in her eyes, the sad in her mouth.
“I know what I did wrong,” he said as he reached across the table and held her hand, “I wasn’t open with you.” Her eyes brightened up.
“I was trying to hide my past from you like it didn’t matter, like you didn’t need to be bothered with my problems...Right?”
She squeezed his hand. “Yes, Reggie, if we are going to be friends, we need to trust each other.” Now, they held hands together across the table.
“I know now that I was being a jerk to dismiss you and not confide in you, and for that, I’m sorry. It was my stupid ego. I was trying to protect you.”
She got up and sat next to him. “I know you were, Reggie, I just wanted to hear it from you.”
The bell rang and she put her hand on his cheek and kissed him on the mouth.
It was a short, soft kiss, but Reggie felt the girl this time, not just the thrill of her lips. He felt her feelings for him mingling with his feelings for her.