7
CANINES ON THE ROAD
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h, the joy of travelling. Escorting your Humans in the car, visiting new and interesting places. Sitting up tall on the back seat and watching all those trees and buildings race past your window. A Dog could almost forget his position as Head of the Family...
But wait! Before you allow the thrill of vehicular journeys to lull you into letting your guard down, remember Crafty's Canine Code, rule 5: 'Always behave in such a way as to cause maximum stress and humiliation to your Human Family'.
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…the joy of travelling…
The Family car is teeming with Foul-up opportunities:
64. Assert your authority from the outset by chewing through the seat belts while your Human's attention is elsewhere.
65. Bark like crazy and foam at the mouth when you spot a cyclist and charge around in the back of the car like a demented bull.
66. Throw up all over the car seat or for even greater effect, down the driver's back.
67. Squeeze between the front seats and sit on the driver's lap. Be sure to completely obscure their view out of the windscreen.
CAUTION: The aforementioned wild behaviour may lead to control by harness or in a crate. However, restraint needn't interfere with incessant barking.
Your Humans will often deem it necessary to leave you alone in the car while they indulge in shopping, visiting or other activities in which the company of a Dog is not desired. You must, of course, register your protest in no uncertain terms:
68. Shred the upholstery, even when left for just a few minutes. Very effective if your Family happens to own an executive-type car or expensive four-by-four.
69. When your Human returns after a lengthy absence, growl menacingly and refuse to allow them back into the vehicle.
This aggressive behaviour draws a great deal of attention from other Humans when performed in a crowded area.
Considerate members of the Family will leave a window open to allow a flow of fresh air for you during their absence. The less cautious person will leave just a touch too much gap. You can then:
70. Test your flexibility by squeezing through the gap, and exit the car for a quick round of window shopping in the High Street. This exercise causes great consternation to the Humans, who will sometimes spend hours running around calling for you (while you make yourself scarce behind a pile of old boxes or in any other convenient hidey-hole.)
CAUTION: Being spotted by the Dog Warden whilst on your wanderings may lead to capture and separation from your Family, with the possibility of temporary incarceration in a maximum security unit. The upside of this imprisonment is your Humans will be required to fork out vast sums of money to secure your release.