2
THE BEGINNER CANINE
The road to dominance is paved with
Foul-ups.
…aahh…
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s a tiny Puppy in the litter you'll have plenty of practice at enchanting not only the Humans you first know as your own but also people from prospective new Families. The Humans who take you home will of course be particularly susceptible to your charm. Take full advantage of this; the minute you arrive in your new abode hit your Family with those big brown eyes and they'll be like putty in your paws.
Here's how to begin:
1. Park yourself in front of the Family member who has so far made the most fuss of you (hereafter known as Soft-touch). Stare up at him/her with your most sorrowful expression. They won't be able to resist for more than ten seconds and you'll find yourself lifted onto a nice soft warm lap. Snuggle into a comfy ball. To ensure maximum 'aahh' factor, remember to sigh contentedly every few minutes. Soft-touch won't want to disturb your rest, thereby you'll prevent Soft-touch carrying out any other activity for the next two hours.
Congratulations! You've successfully engineered your very first Foul-up.
2. When you eventually wake from that long and comfortable sleep have a good fidget until you find yourself lowered to the floor. Take immediate action by piddling on the Axminster, then sit back and watch the fun. You'll be amazed at the speed Humans can move while weighed down with buckets of water and disinfectant!
The downside to carpet-wetting is that you'll probably find yourself carted rapidly to the garden. (Humans don't have the brains to realise this action is futile once you've 'been'.) But this cloud does have a silver lining:
3. The garden is the perfect place – particularly in cold and /or wet weather – for you to send The Family's blood pressure into overload, and can be best achieved in three stages.
Stage one: Sit on the back door-step whining and shivering.
Stage two: When Soft-touch looks out and makes the inevitable comment: "Ah, poor puppy's cold..." flash those appealing eyes for all you're worth until the back door is whipped open.
Stage three: Rush in and head straight back to the lounge, whimpering and wagging your tail in gratitude, then immediately 'squat', preferably in a different spot to the one you've recently piddled on.
Bring on those buckets…
CAUTION: taking a dump in the best room will probably result in banishment to the kitchen.
But even here you can have hours of fun running around in small circles until the Family is convinced you need to pee and someone again rushes you to the garden. Hang on to that water until your Humans decide you didn't want to go after all and they take you back to the kitchen. Then let the flood gates open. Repeat until all members of the Family are exhausted and take to their beds. (For more garden Foul-ups see Chapter Four)
Bedtime: To ensure ultimate possession of the best bed in the house, do not make the mistake of being prepared to sleep alone.
4. As soon as you're left alone in the kitchen at night wail like a banshee until Soft-touch takes pity and looks in on you. At first he/she might just slip you a biscuit or try to palm you off with a stuffed toy for a sleeping companion. Don't give in. Keep up the wailing each time Soft-touch leaves you; you'll soon find yourself invited into the bedroom.
Even now you mustn't let up with the pressure: grizzle and whinge until you're lifted onto the bed. If the Family attempts to shut you in the kitchen on subsequent nights simply repeat the banshee performance. Soon you'll be spending every night in the bedroom as a matter of course.
And so you're on your way; those first simple Foul-ups will lay the ground rules for future skirmishes.
Here are a few more tips to help the Beginner Canine on the road to total dominance of the Family:
5. The TV buffs among you will no doubt admire the cute little Pup in the toilet roll advert. Well, go for it! Decorate the house with trails of loo paper, especially when your Humans are in a hurry to get ready for work/school/a night at the pub. Gathering up the tattered streamers you've left about the place should keep them on their toes for a while.
6. Chew everything inedible you can get your teeth into. Some examples are the pine table leg, Dad's best slippers, Mum's handbag, the kids' toys, the plaster off the walls. Wallpaper and carpets or floor tiles are also acceptable. Take time to explore new and exiting flavours, such as books, video tapes and CDs.
Decorate the house with trails of loo
paper…
7. Throw up in the kids' shoes, or over the baby's favourite teddy.
NOTE: It will be useful to remember the throw-up Foul-up becomes even more effective once you attain adulthood.
On those occasions when you find yourself alone in the house:
8. Raid the bin, take a dump in the middle of the floor then run amok through it while barking continuously.
In some cases these actions could actually improve your chances for a Foul-up as a member of the Family may now take you on even the shortest car journeys rather than risk leaving you alone in the house. (See Chapter 7 for in-car Foul-ups)
CAUTION: While creating havoc when alone may lead to vehicular fun, there is an element of risk. Some Humans will resort to locking the Dog in the garden rather than take him with them in the car. But remember clouds and silver linings? Chapter Four will show you that the garden provides ample opportunity for Foul-up practice.
3
HAVOC ON THE HOME FRONT
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kay. So you're en route to achieving the position of Top Dog in your household. Now it's time to turn up the pressure:
9. Bury your bone or biscuit in the best armchair or sofa. Watch your Human leap to his or her feet when their backside encounters your deposit!
10. As a fun alternative to burying food in the armchair, shove a hard or bulky toy under the rug. Sit back and enjoy an entertaining interlude as an unwary Human trips over the lump in the floor.
…bury your bone in the armchair…
By now you'll have perfected the technique for claiming possession of the bed. Never be prepared to give an inch in this area:
11. Stretch out right in the middle of the bed, leaving only the bare minimum of space for the Human occupants. Show your teeth and growl menacingly when asked to get off. Making a sudden grab at a hand will persuade the more persistent Human that you mean to stay where you are.
12. When not in bed, curl up for a nap in front of any cupboard which Humans might need to open. Better yet, choose a doorway where your Humans will be required to step over you when moving from room to room.
Extra tip for large dogs: Sit up suddenly when the Human is at his or her most vulnerable. i.e.: astride you. Just watch those Human eyes water!
13. Make like the alert guard Dog and hurl yourself at the window when you hear the slightest sound from outside. At first, Mum and the kids will love you for it and tell you how safe they feel with you around. Then start 'accidentally' catching the curtains with your claws; their gratitude will quickly turn to despair as the best drapes end up in shreds.
On the same theme:
14. Bark ferociously at the front door to see off regular callers (e.g. postman, milkman, paper boy). If the intruder makes it as far as pushing objects through the letter box, grab the objects and destroy them. You notice stray fingers finding their way between your teeth? All the better!
And a few more in-house Foul-ups to set your Family climbing the walls:
15. Chase your tail incessantly. Snap at it and bark as if you're suffering from a minor brain disorder. Resist all attempts to make you stop.
16. Bolt for freedom as soon as the front door is opened. Don't forget to suffer temporary hearing loss when requested to return.
…suffer temporary hearing loss…
17. Chomp your way through the television aerial. Wait for Dad to repair your handiwork. Repeat the exercise.
18. Sweep crockery, glassware etc off the coffee table with your tail. Full red wine glasses or coffee cups upturned on light-coloured carpets have a tendency to send Humans scurrying from the room with screams of: "Quick, wipe it up before it stains!"
19. Use your drinking bowl as a paddling pool and flood the kitchen, then enjoy the show as Mum and the kids go water-skiing in the puddle.
4
THE OUTDOOR CANINE
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ost Canines will tell you the Great Outdoors is the closest a Dog can get to Foul-up Heaven. Whether in your own back yard or further afield, the opportunity for Foul-ups is never more than a Dog-step away.
First we'll examine my favourite back-garden Foul-ups:
20. Make off with the gardening gloves or tools. Burying them in the vegetable patch is usually good for an hour's entertainment.
21. Dig vast craters in the lawn and/or flower beds. For maximum stress value, uproot freshly-planted vegetation and behead new blooms.
…behead new blooms.
22. Leave your mark (at least four deep paw prints) in Dad's newly-laid wet cement pathway.
23. If you're lucky enough to catch Grandma tottering around the garden using her walking stick for support, pinching the stick will set her swaying like a drunk in a storm.
24. Swallow some stones or other indigestible matter. Choking a bit for effect will incite Human panic.
CAUTION: A subsequent trip to the Vet for surgical removal of the offending items may be necessary. As anaesthetics can have troublesome after-effects, such as temporary loss of co-ordination, be prepared for some staggering.
By now, Dad will be sick to death of restoring the garden due to your efforts at demolition, and suitably unimpressed with your attempts at sabotage. The next step will be the erection of a fence around vulnerable areas, with access only available via a securely latched gate.
With this in mind, all that's left for you to do is:
25. Poke your head through the newly-hung gate. Make sure your ears go right the way between the slats so you can't pull yourself free. Dad will have no option but to tear down the gate in order to release you. Hey presto! You can now get back to the important business of destroying the garden.
Some Families can be devious and may find means to bring a temporary halt to your outdoor Foul-ups. You could for a time find yourself locked down in a yard worthy of a maximum security prison, without access to the garden. In this case you'll need to devise a means of escape. If tunnelling under the boundary fence is impossible, develop your athletic skills and jump or climb out of the garden. Or you might like to learn to unlatch the gate.
…poke
your head through the
newly-hung gate.
Now you're out and about and totally unrestrained:
26. Take