5
CREATING CHAOS WITH THE GUESTS
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our attitude towards Human visitors, whether relatives, friends of the Family or simply casual acquaintances, is of major importance. Carefully executed Foul-ups around guests will lead to their eventual absence from your home. Remember to look properly chastened when your Humans curse you for driving away their friends and Family. Your sorrowful expression will arouse in them deep feelings of guilt for laying the blame on you and cause them to question whether their own failings could be the actual cause of their loss of friends.
38. Be sure to greet guests with vast amounts of sniffing at visitor's crotch, belly button, armpits and backside.
39. As an alternative, adopt a threatening stance and utter a throaty growl the instant the visitor steps over the threshold. Small Dogs may then dart forward and nip ankles or shake trouser legs. Large Dogs will find it amusing to mouth the visitor's hands.
40. Drink out of the toilet bowl while Mum's coffee morning guests are queuing for the loo.
41. Slurp the contents of low-lying tea and coffee cups. Similarly, pinch food off any plates the guests happen to have left within reach.
42. When the guests are all seated round the meal table it's time to do your starving-dog act and drool enough to fill an Olympic-size swimming pool.
43. All you Canines with heavy jowls: you'll be certain to set Human stomachs churning if you sling slobber up the walls, over the guests, on the dining table.
… sling slobber …
44. Alternatively, throw up under the table during the meal, after having just polished off a large bowl of tripe.
45. Leap into the lap of the visitor who's stupid enough to have opted for the plate of food on a tray across their knees. Humans have a distinct aversion to spaghetti Bolognese plastered all over their Sunday best.
46. Nudge Uncle Albert's arm when he's about to take a drink. Alternatively, hide behind Albert's chair while he holds a cup of steaming tea. Suddenly jump out and bark. Uncle Albert is likely to equal the world high-jump record when he receives the cupful of scalding tea in his lap.
47. Scoot along on your front paws whilst dragging your bum across the floor, leaving a skid mark if possible. This works extra well on light-coloured carpets.
48. Break wind frequently: silent suffocators are to be preferred. On those special occasions, such as weddings or funerals, when a whole horde of Humans gathers together, let one go then stare pointedly at Granny before leaving the room with your nose twitching in disgust.
49. Scratch under your armpits. And boys, for full effect don't forget to poke your 'pinky' out.
Of course, there can't possibly be any living fleas about your person, thanks to the liberal application of anti-flea potions, but keep up the pretence until your Human goes hunting shamefacedly for the flea spray.
…scratch under your armpits…
50. Dig up a long-buried bone from the garden and plonk it in Grandpa's lap while he's dozing in the armchair after lunch.
51. For the country-dwelling Canine: after a nice roll in cow or horse dung, wander round the house distributing your acquired odour. This works even better if you've been lucky enough to find fresh fox droppings.
52. Breakfast on dog/ cow/ horse poo then belch in Cousin Gertie's face. For a more nausea-inducing effect, give Gertie's cheek a good long lick.