6
MAINTAINING THE STATUS QUO
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his has no connection with the rock band of that name, although they do set a superb example when it comes to Fouling up the more reserved members of Human society.
This chapter details those Foul-ups intended to help you keep the balance of power in your favour.
Techniques you've developed must be practiced on a daily basis. And never forget Crafty's Canine Code rule 6: 'keep constantly on the look-out for new and exciting Foul-ups'.
…keep the balance of power…
53. Learn to open doors and gates. Best effects are obtained if you never close exterior doors behind you, particularly in cold weather. For that little extra bonus, if you can master the fridge or Dog-food cupboard you'll always have access to your favourite snacks; you'll also drive your Family frantic with worry in case your constant snacking causes you to put on too much weight.
54. Rub yourself against the Family's best clothes, depositing as much hair and grime as possible.
55. Pinch the kids' shoes and bury them in the garden when the youngsters are just about ready to leave for school.
56. Traipse mud from the garden onto the newly-washed kitchen floor. Amazing special effects can be created by continuing through to the best room.
The Human toddler is an ideal size for exploitation. Seize every opportunity to:
57. Steal its biscuit from its tiny Human paw. The decibel output of those miniature lungs will outstrip that of the previously-mentioned rock band.
58. Run past and knock the toddler over as it makes its unsteady progress round the room. Repeat the exercise every time it hauls itself to its feet. To push Mum into an even greater frenzy try dashing across the toddler while it's lying face-down on the floor after you've bowled it over.
You'll have practiced the Guard Dog routine during your formative months. Now's the time to lull the Family into thinking you've 'calmed down', by ignoring everything that passes by for a couple of weeks. Then:
59. Suddenly bark like crazy. Wait till the Family have gone to see who's at the door then whip the Sunday roast from where it's been carelessly left on the kitchen worktop. If you don't intend to devour the lot be sure to make it unfit for Human consumption by tearing chunks off it and dragging it through the dirt.
There's likely to come a time when your Family's desire to revamp the house will encroach on your daily routine. A few carefully-chosen home-maintenance Foul-ups will make them wish they'd never heard the term 'decorating':
60. Lean against their nice wet paint when they dare to spruce up your favourite resting place.
61. Dunk your feet in the bucket of paint or wallpaper paste, then run the goo all over the house.
62. Barge into the step ladder, spilling paint, wallpaper paste, Human or any combination of the three.
63. Expand on the loo-roll theme substituting lengths of pasted wallpaper for toilet tissue.