Many women in here have ulcers or stomach problems and could not get Tagaments nor any medications or things such as massengill infection cream or all things that were on the indigent list. I was making Christian cards many of my cards went to women who had no money or nothing to trade. I went to the visiting room one time.
A friend felt sorry for me she set up a visit with a man who wreaked of alcohol and needless to say the visit was cut short. I didn't need nor want this in my life. It was Mother's day I looked around the room before I was walking out the door I saw in every families hand a card made by me! Mothers all over the place were holding up looking at or showing off the cards I made.
This made everything I was doing worth it! I felt so good about that as if Jesus sent me to the visiting room to see this. I was trying to get up the largest amount of soaps, socks, shampoos, deodorants, conditioners everything I could when I got out this would keep Micky and I supplied after I get her and leave.
I managed to get most of it to property stored enough supplies to last her and I till I could get on my feet able to buy that stuff. Time and time again however the officers confiscated everything dragging it out of the cell in front of all these women in huge garbage bags by the loads. I was not supposed to have anything being indigent.
There were a lot of women who didn't want to pay for what they got from me they snitched on me. This was how I got Laura to open up talk about everything I was sharing everything I got with her till she knew or understood I was good people to trust and talk to. You have to pay close attention to this girl's story it's rough on the old heart.
This was sad what kept happening to her! It was amazing how she brought herself out of all this saw the purpose it's just baffling for real. Her dad died before she came in so now she would not be allowed to attend the funeral. A couple days later her mom passed. She was almost in a trauma, but holding her own.
A few days later the news her grandfather passed a few days after this the news of her grandmother's passing. When she heard about her mother passing she quit eating totally. She went into convulsions in the middle of the room. She could no longer hold her own. Could you imagine? I can.
When she came in she was sentenced to prison no way out for her to learn before being sent off to prison you have no mother father nor grandparents to come home to. Dad mom and two grandparents dead alive when she was sentenced. A family she knew all her life will not be there when she gets out later in life. They were her life.
I know should have thought before committing a crime she has no one to come home to. Her mind and body went into fits. Everyone was surrounding smothering trying to help. It was time for lock down. Since she was my bunky they made me carry her into our room. With everyone's help we got her to her bed which was right under mine.
For weeks I force fed her taking from my breakfast lunch and dinner I fed her whatever I could get her to eat. The officers let me take food to my room for her. When she was coherent enough to sit up and eat on her own she thanked me for looking out for her. She started going to Bible classes and seminars with me.
In the middle of the night with once again tear filled eyes scared to death they were taking her to go to prison. What I did for her she felt was God's way of bringing her to Him making her stronger sp she could in turn tell her story. She felt if He went with her she could make this long journey she had in front of her. NOW tell me something about your troubles or my Lord!
Mary the first friend I met when I entered the system returned again. She came and went as did many over these last couple of years. I was always glad to see her. She was slowly dying of aides. You could see if she continued having sex drinking and doing drugs living on streets in fields she would die before God's time. It was showing in her face body and actions.
When the judge has before him anyone with aides anyone that person had sex with is considered attempted murder. I don't know this to be a fact this is what she told me. She had been in and out of here before and after me for many years still living on streets in fields doing rock cocaine prostituting, but kept her Faith with the Lord.
She started going before many classes in schools and in here. Telling everyone everything she learned and studied about aides. She felt this was her purpose her calling and reason behind her living every day knowing she is dying. It seemed a large percentage of women that comes in and out of jail systems have aides.
Mary felt this to be her calling from the Lord knowing she has God's promise of Eternity. She wants to go to every classroom everywhere tell not only her story everything she has learned studied to tell of the Lord's love and Grace He has shown given her which for the life of me I couldn't see, but she could.
He blessed her with the will and knowledge to bring something good out of this. God has given her a purpose worth everything to her a reason for this happening to her besides taking the blame alone. The first personal message sent by the Lord was through her to me "Be still wait on the Lord."
He does have a purpose a heck of a reason for us no matter how bad it gets or how small it seems. I could not see a reason or purpose for my life or why I was put in this shell on this horrible earth, but I will "Be still Wait on the Lord." This is the third time I've written this book. Maybe it won't be the last fourth or fifth.
I will just hope it won't get thrown away too many more times before it will end up with someone who wants the same purpose as the Lord me and these women want. I was called into the office after almost two years. I thought they were going to give me more bad news how much worse could it have gotten? I was surprised they were going to reclassify me.
Change this horrible orange band to another color. That could help me get into Culinary. Before I leave I will finish Culinary with my experience Mr. Holmes Culinary instructor had no problem issuing to me. I was mostly in charge of cleaning the dining area making coffee for the women.
Mr. Holmes thought and I agreed the teaching of Culinary Art's should be hands on for women who need it since I have this experience already I could do something else. The Culinary certificate may not mean much to the high class people or society where it was acquired I am none the less proud of it.
It may not get me anywhere in life I may never have the opportunity to put it to use it's still mine. I could never afford to get one on the outside in the real world. Next day something unexpected happened. I didn't have much time left I was hoping praying after two years it should finally be over soon or getting close. I was called into the visiting room.
Who could it be no one cares anymore no one knows I didn't go to prison. Everyone thinks I'm in prison. I don't have any family that's out of the question. Who could it be? I've never been to the visiting room except the incident with that drunk man. I sat at a table alone while the officer went to get my visitors. The officers were keeping a secret acting strange.
Everyone was looking at me curious as to who could be coming to see Mary? The officers knew before I did. My visitors told them who they were. I almost walked back to my room several times. I didn't want any visitors no matter who they were. Just as I was going to go back to my room I looked up got a good look when they walked in I was going back to my room.
I told the officers I don't know these people take me back. I don't want visitors who's sick joke? I didn't recognize them. The women was very pretty with shoulder length curly blonde hair the guy with his big cowboy hat gave me a big hug both together said; "They were my sister and brother!" This was when we still had visits in rooms where there were tables and chairs.
You could hug your people one time on entrance. From then on you could hold their hands and sit across from them. It was Darlene, my baby sister with my brother, Ezra Daniel. We broke down crying of course. I didn't know what my sister or brother looked like. Why now in a jail house uniform? They said; "They hired a detective years ago to find me they just located me."
I loved them so much when we were children loved them all these years never thought we would see each other ever had put it all totally out of my mind. I had family a brother and sister that were alive that love me I got visitors. It took a while for all this to sink in after thinking about it all for the longest time.
I even had the thought maybe they wasn't who they said and were agents or I don't know I just know it was really wild to see them after all the years of being separated. There were many hard days and nights spent in many jails over the years. Officers picked on me trying me taking away everything I worked for.
One morning the officer or CO that picked on me the most was here. I thought oh boy this is going to be a rough day. No one knew what was going to happen next not even me. I thought this could not be happening. Everyone was out of the cell for the day she was the only officer on duty I was the only inmate.
I had been talking with Randy who was the head of home confinement or of officers for months. He told me the Lord drew him to me in a strange way brought me to his attention. Over the last few months Randy had been coming here talking with me. We became good Christian friends. Between him and I you could feel the Holy Spirit's presence.
Randy told me how it happened he found my request for home confinement laying on top of his desk he entered it in the computer threw it away. He looked down there on the top was another one with my name on it on the top of the stack. He did the same thing he entered it threw it away.
He went for a cup of coffee when he returned there it was again on top of hundreds of request. He did it again left the office returned there it was again. He said; "Ok ok it's you doing this God I have to meet this woman." We all filled out tons of request for home confinement or house arrest rarely are the request ever read or acknowledged.
We talked about everything under the sun. Many women tried to get him to talk with him during our conversations he turned them away telling them he came to visit with me. There wasn't anything we couldn't talk about. He was a wonderful Christian man a great conversationalist. We talked about the Lord like it was an addiction to both of us.
We promised to stay in contact with each other. Things don't always work out the way you see it at that moment no promise is vulnerable to keeping. He came that morning when I was all alone with that mean officer. I thought we were going to visit together. In front of that officer who hated me so much no he came to get me out release me on Home confinement.
This would mean I had to live my life with a box on my leg around my ankle for two years. I didn't have to go to work release I skipped that part of my sentence when I was sent back did the time in jail instead. Still a long hard road ahead.
I was looking forward to seeing day light look into the sun feel the air wrapping around me feel see smell the rain see stars and moon appreciate things of nature for many drugged up drunk years I could not feel see smell nor appreciate the Blessings I missed all those wasted years.
To walk free more or less past the officer that hated me who had taken from me more than personal belongings. She took what they took when I entered the system which was my right to be a human or to be in society my self worth and dignity. She was surprised as I was Randy came to release me.
I'm not saying, "I won't make more mistakes in life I do know I won't make the same ones that neither can be a sound promise." I won't throw my Bible in the trash can on my way out I won't throw my book in the trash can on the way out either.
Before I tell you what happened after I left the system I want to tell you one more story that happened during my stay here I feel very important as to how strange the Lord works. Actually there are three more things or stories important to me before I finally leave the system for the last time prayerfully.
There are probably many I am forgetting long as the important stuff is here for your journey walk relationship with Jesus. The real world as society would have it is not necessarily on the outside of these mortar brick concrete and steal walls. Reality is inside of you jail house religion is reality this is where I met got to know Jesus.
One night lying quiet still on my back I felt a strange presence. Something or someone a presence not human gently forged it's way into my body. It was the Holy spirit quietly gently entering into His clean temple. Like He promised He went ahead of me to make a better place. I stayed still all night scared if I were to move He would leave or maybe fall out just kidding.
No He was moving into His temple to stay. I did "Be still and wait on the Lord." One class was "Life Learning Skills." Everyday we create life situations concerning drugs violence alcohol child birth or prostitution. Even situations simple like shopping raising children counting money or budgeting. Valerie, Margaret, Sue and I made ours up.
I was the girlfriend Valerie was my boyfriend Margaret the father that left Sue the mother.
*A JAIL HOUSE SKIT HOW BOUT-BY SUE-;
Valerie {*boyfriend} me (*girlfriend) were skipping classes to do
coke. We rolled up something similar to a joint painted the end to
make it look like it was burning. I went to my room to get baby
powder this was to be the coke. Sue {*mom} Margaret {*dad} went
to work. Sue {*mom} was coming home unsuspected. Valerie
{*boyfriend} laid out the cocaine on the table while I (*girlfriend)
was rolling up the pretend dollar to snort the coke. Before we got
any further I saw Valerie {*boy friend} lay out the lines. Cocaine
was laid out everywhere you'll never guess what happened. Everyone
in the class freaked out. I (*girlfriend) went off just flipped
totally out and blew the pretend cocaine all over everyone.
*HOW BOUT-SUE-
*Something came over me like an immense disgust total hate for cocaine and what it has done to me. What it has done to everyone and what it has taken from me and what it has taken from everyone. I was not in my right mind I wanted to take everything out on pretend coke. Needless to say we didn't finish the skit I blew the coke all over the room all over everyone!
It was hilarious I knew I was over this stuff through with drugs forever. My hate for drugs and alcohol was a furious hate it had taken over me. I thought I was on top of things making a killing I was in control having so much coke trip and weed most average people don't get to see AND it being 98% eehaw! Or was it all controlling me?
My dream became a sweet reality then it was my nightmare and ending, but I couldn't see it for the greed of it all. Hate and rage from everything I took it out on pretend coke. I was in tears looking down at the very thing that took my life belonging's, my children, husbands and friends and almost cost me the ultimate cost of my soul and salvation.
I gotta admit my soul was into it pretty deep too. It became a new day and beginning I still couldn't see anything else, but terrible things still happening every day. A nurse I had seen a couple of times Nurse Grace looked familiar. I told her the story of a nurse in Bradenton who took care of me for two years while I was in the suicidal tank.
She issued me the pills I overdosed on. She said; "I am that nurse I knew who you were. I lost my job over that I'm not sorry nor bitter I hated that job I love this job It was meant to be." Is that ironic or what? Going through the food line I saw a large piece of cake I wanted to give this huge piece of cake to someone.
I know how much these women love to get something extra or free and crave sweets. I touched the plate in front of it. A cute black lady was behind me. Totally natural white hair. Candice was as cute and adorable as can be. She went off because she wanted that huge piece of cake.
She said; "No you touched the plate in front of that you have to take that one." It's easy to make me cry anymore I've been through so much always afraid of where my anger will take me. We got into a huge fight over it I took my tray gave it all away then left went to my room too scared and hurt to eat. I wasn't sleeping though I thought I was I was awake.
I was in my room alone I heard and saw the cute black lady Candice say, "I'm sorry for all I've said I didn't realize you wanted to give that to someone. Do you except my apology?" I got up there was a film over my eyes clearing as I walked down the stairs. Candice was standing at the bottom of the stairs. I was scared.
She repeated the exact same words exactly as I just heard them or visioned them in my room a moment before. You don't think my eyes didn't get big? What a shockarooni. Candice went to work release. How I know I saw her talked with her the day I spent there. A few days before Randy came to get me I had another dream or was it a vision?
Any mother who has lost children could relate and understand what I was feeling how it could be so real to me. A lot of children fall asleep in a tub of warm bath water. Micky fell asleep in the tub I went to get her. Her body was totally white and limp. Her lips looked like a dead person in a casket. She had no color to her body or face. She was not breathing no pulse no nothing.
I was frantic the next morning no way of contacting anyone from the outside world to find out if she was alright. For all practical purposes I went through the entire day crying worried. Miss. Ruthie who used to be Chaplain of the Nurture cell now Chaplain over lock down and old Annex building came to my room.
I had been praying to Jesus all day for some way of contacting someone to find out if she was alright. Out of desperation I knew in the Catholic churches they prayed talked to Mother Mary. I prayed to Mary asking her to please intercede between her son and I talk to your son on my behalf I was asking her. I need to know hear Micky's voice.
I believed Mother Mary being a mother too would hear me act as a mediator between her son and I. Miss Ruthie pulled me from my cell told me to come with her to her office. She let me dial the house where Micky and Billy were now at and talk with Micky.
I didn't know the meaning or purpose for this dream or vision I knew somehow my Lord had something to do with it or was it Mother Mary who put it in Miss Ruthie's heart to help me make that phone call to ease my mind and heart. I was so thankful awed at getting to talk to Micky. These visions or dreams I had were not the only ones there have been many.
Before I went to work release I had another dream or vision. I escaped from work release running extremely fast. I wanted to get to Micky get just one hug before they catch find me to take me back for escape. No matter how fast I ran nor how close to the house I got I still could not get to the house. I could see the house a few feet away.
Like the vision or dream about going to prison there was an invisible barricade stopping me from getting past that point I could not get through. It was like dashing at a wall hitting it head on I could not get past it. Officers behind me chasing me they finally caught up with me. I could see the house and see Micky, but could not get through.
I think this was God's way of letting me know something to do with escaping was going to prevent me from going home to visit. I would not get to be with Micky this is what happened. I was taken back into custody that day charging me with another charge. An attempt to escape charge. Spent another six months. Randy came to get me that morning.
I waited in another building while they ran down the rules of home confinement at the same time putting that box on my leg. Randy told me they were hooking me up with the senior home confinement officer in my area Steve. Randy said; "He was a good man a fair man good with helping people get their lives back together easy going patient to work with you.
If I had problems he would be easy to talk to work with me. He would be perfect and would help me boy did he help me!" They brought all my stuff up from property. I was worried concerned curious and anxious to see if the book made it safely and all there. Steve was amazed at how much property there was. It filled up the back of his car and the trunk.
He drove me to the house where Billy and Micky were staying. Billy lost the truck property house furniture appliances my clothes his clothes and Micky's clothes. There was now a repossession and foreclosure on my credit before I even got started with my new life. I had to be released in a jail house uniform remember I had no clothes.
Steve was taking me first to the house to hook up the box on my leg to the phone so they could monitor me from Steve's box and the home confinement office. All that was on my mind at that moment was a little girl I seen a moment before who was sitting on Murial's front steps skinny dirty and crying. She looked like Micky I wasn't sure dirty unhealthy and unhappy.
I was praying it was her why did she look so unhealthy? I walked into the house of course it wreaked of alcohol this was the worse I've seen Billy living. No floors doors glass or screens for the windows dishes piled everywhere gnats flying around roaches crawling everywhere. Flies mosquitos bees and wasps swarmed everywhere. Floors were too nasty to think about walking on.
Water coming out of the pipes was brown. This is the Billy I knew can't clean his nasty ass up. My fish, Fred a Jack Dempsey I bought years before when I first went to work for Lee Rd. Denny's was sitting in the corner in a tank so low on water with green nasty slime all over the tank dirty with no filtering system no air bubbles was surviving still alive.
Fred knew who I was he jumped out of his tank. I said; "Hi Fred I'm home now I'll get ya hooked up." He survived amazing I thought. Fred was a baby when I bought him. He's huge now. I had not seen signs of an adult anywhere yet several kids were coming in and out of the house. The refrigerator was full of moldy standing water in the freezer and below.
Besides a milk jug of beer this was all that was in there. The water had been there for quite some time. There were bugs flying around inside it didn't even work. No food in none of the cabinets maggots everywhere. There was a small TV in one corner where a dirty beer stained cigarette burned couch was in another corner.
No beds anywhere except one mattress on one floor covered with roaches and flying insects coming from the window with no glass nor screen. No blankets nor sheets no clothes for Micky anywhere. The mattress wreaked covered with evidence of sex blood alcohol stains and cigarette burns. The stench of beer and alcohol wreaked about the entire house.
The tub was black as was the rest of the tiny bathroom. Water was nasty looking that came out. I saw no soap shampoo or conditioner for Micky no evidence a child lived here. How could the HRS miss this? Why didn't the HRS do a follow up or come back later to investigate? How could they drop it with just one visit find anything out?
How many times has the HRS/DCF harassed investigated and invaded my home? They still do even now years down the road at this point I have on record five investigations all successfully closed judges still recognize this as being very bad looking on me. In essence they investigate harass good people ignore the sick infested children abused and starving. What a society we have!
Did he expect me to live like this again how could this man live this way with a child to take care of? I shook my head embarrassed while Berry hooked up the monitoring device thinking I hope this man doesn't say, "I can't live like this" take me back to jail. I hope this man doesn't think I live like this.
My concern at that moment was hurry up get this hooked up I want to see if that is Micky over there before she leaves or something happens I miss her and she goes to play somewhere in the neighborhood. When he was through I asked if I could go next door to see if that was my daughter. He said; "Yes of course." He stayed to watch see if it was her.
I didn't know how far I could go before that machine would register me out of range. I got closer the little girl was still crying. I still wasn't sure if this was my little girl. I stooped down eye level with her. I said; "Why are you crying?" She looked straight in my face was in my arm's yelling mommy, mommy your home your back!
She said; "Murial was always yelling at her making her clean her house she was mean to her." She said; "She wanted to ride that big bike Murial wouldn't let her nor could she do it alone." I helped her onto the bike rode her to the house next door. Murial looked out she said; "Where do you think your going with that kid?" I said; "She's mine I'm taking her!"
I had not noticed Steve still waiting watching. I only wanted Micky! Steve waved bye knowing I had a lot of catching up. One of the first things Micky wanted to do was show me her secret praying spot no one knew she would go lie face down in the dirt to pray for her mommy to come home. Micky has had no Bible studies no classes no learning or teaching of the Lord Jesus.
How would she have known to pray like this? This was how the Israelites prayed which was face down in the dirt! Micky had been staying with Murial a lot mostly roaming the streets of the neighborhood bumming food or drinks. Neighbors even Terry and Murial had been taking care of Micky clothing and feeding her.
Micky had done the best she could to survive. Murial said; "I keep clothes at my house for Micky." As did all the neighbors to keep Billy from trashing them. They said; "Micky can't rely on her dad for anything." They should have known this before they busted me bust him instead.
He was never there always at bars or friends drinking while Micky roamed the streets begging for food and something to drink. None of the neighbors even Terry or Murial had any problem helping a little girl who was not old enough to know what happened to her and her mommy.
How about they could have thought all this out before busting me bust that piece of shit dad of her's maybe I would have still come to Jesus. To me they caused all this along with her piece of shit dad. The very people taking care of her or not were the ones who turned me in set me up with the D.E.A. took her mommy away.
Micky told me stories of how she watched her dad doing nasty things with women and Tammy. He threw a pillow at her to get her out of the room. She said; "She saw Tammy's head going up and down on her dad." HOW CAN HRS/DCF MISS THIS? She was so unhealthy pitiful to hold scrawny and bony.
I could not believe this man has done this to my child the borrowed soul God loaned me! Yet when women go to jail HRS is quick to take their children. Yet these asses didn't see this? Bastards Kiss My Ass! Your quick to judge someone for going to jail. You come into people's home to destroy innocent mothers. Fuck you. Yet you miss a situation such as this?
My daughter is living in a barn with no food no clothes alcoholic drug addicts and snitches watching her. Yes I was a drug addict and alcoholic also above all things I was a good MOTHER! I started in my mind putting together some kind of plan to get her and I out of this situation away from alcohol drugs and other women. I needed a job get money stashed.
I had no choice, but to act like I didn't know who was involved in setting me up. I had to pay Murial to watch Micky while I go back to work. I went to Mr. Aloma the one who owned the Franchise Denny's on Semeron Blvd. I do believe these days he owns a lot of Denny's. It was a 40 mile walk there 40 mile walk back. For a year I walked every step of the way there and back.
Steve knew how long it took me to walk there and back worked with me on this. As long as the monitoring was consistent with what I said. Billy had an old truck he was always too drunk to drive me to work. He was always passed out by then or at someone's house or bars getting drunk or with Tammy getting drunk.
When I got out of jail Billy saw me the first day he hugged me acted as though he was proud happy to have me home. Hugging me like he missed me wanted me back. This was the same man I tolerated abuse from all those years? Who kept putting felony charges on me? Who kept turning me in to the law time and again? Who did not want a baby?
Who went with women kicked me out in the streets all those years? Who moved Tammy in the day I was hauled off? Who fought me those years over alcohol and drugs? Who told me I need to get used to adjust to jail life I was going to prison for life? Who wanted a divorce? Who blocked my calls so I could not talk to Micky? Who kept my daughter from me the last two years?
Who planned to take everything and my daughter prove me unfit say, "I abandoned my daughter?" Who hated his daughter? Who lost my house truck property now I have the bad credit? Who worked with everyone and D.E.A. to see it to it me his wife spent life in prison? Who is starving my daughter making her live like a rat?
Who is standing here hugging me telling me how happy he was I was home now everything would be alright? I didn't blink an eye nor miss a cue on acting it all out. Yes sweetie pie darling dumpling honey bun I'm gonna get you Bastard! That's what I was thinking, but couldn't say it. I had to ask God's forgiveness for hating someone so much!
I went along with what ever I had to get my daughter out of this nightmare she had been living in. It wasn't long before Billy was staying out most nights fighting over whether or not to pay the bills or let him continue using all the money for alcohol and drugs. He hated being home hated his daughter and me.
I would not go along with giving him all the money anymore. Keep in mind my hate anger and feelings towards drugs and alcohol at this point. It wasn't the fact I had been clean and sober for a long time on home confinement being tested monitored it was the fact I had taken Jesus out that jail house door with me.
Billy was a cook at a restaurant where the owners and cooks were all brothers and had been Denny's cooks with us at different stores for man